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It wasn't name calling I should have been worried about

Started by Misato, July 21, 2013, 10:40:17 PM

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Misato

Quote from: Tristan on July 24, 2013, 01:25:41 PM
I know this may sound bad but if you want to pass as much as possible you might want to blend in ( unless you live in a more liberal area/ state like California ) . The more LBGTQ activist stuff your involved in the more you stand out as something different. Just from what I have always herd from many others that's the case. It's one of the main reasons I'm stealth and try not to draw much attention to my past :(

I wrestle with drawing attention to my past daily.  "Should I tell the story when my Swim Coach thought it would be a good idea for the team to go for a run, outside, in a blizzard, in only our speedos?"  When I tell old stories I try to gender neutralize them, still... it's hard.

Minnesota hasn't really been bad at all.  Went back home to Wisconsin with no problems.  Iowa.  Washington was a breeze.  I suspect there are meanies everywhere, and I'm sure I "blew it" at work when I freaked out about their discriminatory insurance.  My direct management is cool, but when you get into the upper echelons it's an old boys club with old ideas.

Even the unintentional misgenderings from those who never knew me as a guy are getting to me.  I didn't transition for them, but it still hurts.  So what does my mind come up with as an idea to reconnect with my femininity?   I don't know if I have the guts to do it but, there are fitness clubs that teach pole dancing in the area.  I've never been sexual, or flexible, I just like the idea of connecting with my female sexuality while burning some calories.  And answering the question, "What are you doing tonight Paige?" with "I'm learning to pole dance!"  I think that would be a blast!

We. Will. Have. To. See!  For now, it's a nice dream...
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TerriT

Quote from: Tristan on July 24, 2013, 01:25:41 PM
I know this may sound bad but if you want to pass as much as possible you might want to blend in ( unless you live in a more liberal area/ state like California ) . The more LBGTQ activist stuff your involved in the more you stand out as something different. Just from what I have always herd from many others that's the case. It's one of the main reasons I'm stealth and try not to draw much attention to my past :(

I live in California and have my fair share of encounters with jerks everywhere, including SF. If anyone doesn't believe me then please remember that in a heavy liberal bastion like California, Prop 8 was passed, by the voters, by a sizable margin. I'm just sayin.
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JLT1

Quote from: Misato on July 24, 2013, 10:04:53 PM
Even the unintentional misgenderings from those who never knew me as a guy are getting to me.  I didn't transition for them, but it still hurts.  So what does my mind come up with as an idea to reconnect with my femininity?   I don't know if I have the guts to do it but, there are fitness clubs that teach pole dancing in the area.  I've never been sexual, or flexible, I just like the idea of connecting with my female sexuality while burning some calories.  And answering the question, "What are you doing tonight Paige?" with "I'm learning to pole dance!"  I think that would be a blast!

We. Will. Have. To. See!  For now, it's a nice dream...

I read some things about those in deep stealth.  It took them 3+/- years to fully acclimate.  Your still early on in this process.  I think part of the problem is you just don't have enough fun.  Gotta work on that.

As far as the pole dancing...GO FOR IT!!!!  It will help in so many ways you will not believe it. 
To move forward is to leave behind that which has become dear. It is a call into the wild, into becoming someone currently unknown to us. For most, it is a call too frightening and too challenging to heed. For some, it is a call to be more than we were capable of being, both now and in the future.
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Misato

Quote from: JLT1 on July 24, 2013, 11:48:57 PM
I read some things about those in deep stealth.  It took them 3+/- years to fully acclimate.  Your still early on in this process.  I think part of the problem is you just don't have enough fun.  Gotta work on that.

As far as the pole dancing...GO FOR IT!!!!  It will help in so many ways you will not believe it.

I must agree with you on the I don't have enough fun.  Ever since I had to switch jobs I've been one big stress ball.

Your sayin was well put, I thought, Tiffany.
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Bardoux

I know where your coming from Misato.

I've been getting stares since about two months into HRT, at first it was just the odd person and more curious than anything, but now being five months in, it's almost overwhelming. I don't present female at the moment, but i do have longish hair. Stares range from curious, dissaproving or outwardly uncomfortable. Sitting on the tube, its getting a bit awkward as even if it's a packed tube carriage, people aren't exactly falling over themselves to sit in the seat opposite the one i am sitting in. To be honest i am feeling like other people perceive me as some sort of freak. Ordering food at a cafe on both occasions me and a female friend popped in for lunch, standing in line i would be addressed without a gender/title. The men would get 'what would you like sir/mate?, the women 'darling and miss', and i get nothing lol. I mean i can visibly see on the guy's face that he is not happy. I even got called 'boy girl' by my neighbours grand kids as i walked past as they wasn't sure which to settle on. I guess we got to plough on through this... does get rather upsetting at times :(

On a bit of a tangent, I've noticed a lot of people talk about going out in 'guy mode'. How do people present? I mean to say, if your going out with a feminine cut hair style and shaped eyebrows is it really guy mode, even if your dressed in men's clothing?
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Tessa James

I have worn my hair long and down to my butt for most of my adult life.  Long hair on a guy is enough to get stared at.  Really it is OK to me and understandable if uncomfortable at times to be part of a minority that most folks know very little about.  I do feel different relative to my peers and I understand that people can be rudely assertive or aggressive about their curiosity.  In my better moods I think of it as a minor celebrity status that helps to educate others.  For the very few aggressive types I encounter I try to have a practiced witty retort ready---of course my best responses occur to me an hour or so later:-)  My friends, including Susan's, help me with some more playful concepts for responding to the curious and the nut cases I encounter as a partly passable trans person.
I may look like boy mode today.  My body is obviously changing but I am operating a big tracked excavator on our farm and will wear the heavy clothes needed for protection and just keeping some dirt off.  We have likely all seen work crews that included women in heavy work wear and hard hats.  How about a woman in a flight suit?  I worked for years in surgical scrubs, masks and hats that are basically unisex and hardly flattering garments for anyone.  Clothes don't make the man or woman, its more about what's between our ears;-)
Open, out and evolving queer trans person forever with HRT support since March 13, 2013
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Joanna Dark

Quote from: Bardoux on July 26, 2013, 10:37:19 AM
On a bit of a tangent, I've noticed a lot of people talk about going out in 'guy mode'. How do people present? I mean to say, if your going out with a feminine cut hair style and shaped eyebrows is it really guy mode, even if your dressed in men's clothing?

Yeah I have been getting similar to comments to you though I mainly just get gendered female. I could easily solve the problem and just present female but I haven't had laser so I feel really uncomfortable when I do. I present androgynously male. But yeah I guess my eyebrows would make guy mode not so guyish. Not to mention boobs.
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suzifrommd

Quote from: Bardoux on July 26, 2013, 10:37:19 AM
On a bit of a tangent, I've noticed a lot of people talk about going out in 'guy mode'. How do people present? I mean to say, if your going out with a feminine cut hair style and shaped eyebrows is it really guy mode, even if your dressed in men's clothing?

Well I've got male pattern baldness, so if I'm not wearing a wig or a hat, it's guy mode!
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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Misato

Quote from: Bardoux on July 26, 2013, 10:37:19 AM
On a bit of a tangent, I've noticed a lot of people talk about going out in 'guy mode'. How do people present? I mean to say, if your going out with a feminine cut hair style and shaped eyebrows is it really guy mode, even if your dressed in men's clothing?

I tie my hair back and wear my old geeky t-shirts for "guy mode" moments.  I only do it for the good of my SO and our relationship.  She appreciates it and for us I don't mind.  Hair may be long and brows shaped, but I seem to have no trouble being gendered as a guy.

Quote from: Bardoux on July 26, 2013, 10:37:19 AM
Ordering food at a cafe on both occasions me and a female friend popped in for lunch, standing in line i would be addressed without a gender/title. The men would get 'what would you like sir/mate?, the women 'darling and miss', and i get nothing lol.

Going out of order here I guess, but this bugs me too cause I experience the same thing.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 26, 2013, 11:13:55 AM
But yeah I guess my eyebrows would make guy mode not so guyish. Not to mention boobs.

Sometimes my boobs just make me look heavyset.  I love them, I mean I really love them.  I just fear if I still had to use the men's locker rooms at a gym, no one would bat an eye.  But my six months of potent HRT doesn't hit until Monday, so I've got a lot of time to let them develop yet.

I still feel good right now.  I finally got to wear that new top today and I wanted to show myself off in it.  So I went out to dinner with a friend.  Who was in guy mode.  And she still got appropriately gendered!  Though, I did too cause we were greeted with, "Ladies". :)

One thing of humorous note.  Some of the women at work have been discussing hair removal options with me lately as they eye up hair that bothers them that they'd like removed.  At least it's something we can bond over.
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Keaira

Quote from: learningtolive on July 23, 2013, 02:16:10 PM


On the other hand, I do think some of us aren't political or active enough.  How many transwomen really get involved in trying to pass anti-discrimination laws?  Some do, but I think there are many who just stand aside.  I don't think it's right for us to ignore the plight of others.  Even if you pass and don't need to worry about such laws, your trans-sisters may very well have to.  I think it is only right to stand up and fight.  That doesn't mean you have to expose yourself and come out of the closet.  It just means being vocal about things that are important.  So it's okay to be political.  It's just not every aspect of life and daily existence should be a political struggle.

I have actually gotten involved in passing Anti-discrimination laws. In fact, I went to Lobby in Washington DC this past June for ENDA and immigration reform. Apparently no other Susans members went. which was sad. I bet we have at least 1 member in Washington DC that could have come out to lobby. So as far as I know, I am a single person on this forum who is willing to speak out, take a stand and fight for the well being of others. That trip crushed our budget, I'm behind on all my bills because of it. But I couldn't take being screwed over again like last time ENDA was up for vote. Mia Macy got us the legal recourse for discrimination at work. I want ENDA to pass so that there is absolutely no doubt that discrimination is wrong and nip it in the bud before it ever gets to become an issue.
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Ltl89

Well, many of us do lobby and fight for the issues we believe in.  I've never gone down to dc to protest or lobby, but I have done many other things.  Believe me, I have been very involved in the political process and have met more politicians than I care to acknowledge.  I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of the system without disclosing my background or the reasons for it.  I'm no one special at all, but my short experience has taught me a lot.  I don't take political action as a trans person, but as myself if that makes sense.  As for these issues, I prefer to make phone calls and write letters.  Despite what people claim, politicians do listen if you raise enough public awareness.  Politicians have to be in a state of fear over the issue or believe that they can reap electoral or financial benefits from it.  What would help is for a lot more people to make a simple phone call to their congressional district office.  With enough numbers, that can be a major player. And it would be great if lgbt organizations started to use much more of their resources to financially back this sort of legislation in areas that can be worked.  If politicians see a new voting block and donor potential, they will back anything (as long as it isn't too risky).  Why do you think Obama came out for gay marriage?  Because he saw the electoral advantage but also realized the potential that this would create for donations.  For politicians, money and popular salient issues talks.  You got to win the public over and prove to the politicians they have something to gain.  Most of the people who support Enda already have the lgbt community and their donantions on their side.  They need to branch out and reach politicians who can be swayed.  Obviously, not all can be convinced due to their constituency and current donors, but some can if you can prove it will be beneficial.  As of now, we need more public awareness to be raised by lgbt groups in areas they haven't taken on and we need the general population to take a stand.  End of political rant. 

I went off on a major tangent there, but my original point was that there are many ways to get involved.   I'm sure there are many here who also take action in their own way and that can have an impact.

Okay, thread derailment over.

P.S. Misato, I haven't heard from you in while.  I hope you are okay. :)
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Tessa James



Quote from: Keaira on August 08, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
I have actually gotten involved in passing Anti-discrimination laws. In fact, I went to Lobby in Washington DC this past June for ENDA and immigration reform. Apparently no other Susans members went. which was sad. I bet we have at least 1 member in Washington DC that could have come out to lobby. So as far as I know, I am a single person on this forum who is willing to speak out, take a stand and fight for the well being of others. That trip crushed our budget, I'm behind on all my bills because of it. But I couldn't take being screwed over again like last time ENDA was up for vote. Mia Macy got us the legal recourse for discrimination at work. I want ENDA to pass so that there is absolutely no doubt that discrimination is wrong and nip it in the bud before it ever gets to become an issue.
I am also "no one special" but I am a minor and local politician with over 20 years of elected office experience.  I was recently reelected as a water commissioner in my new "out" trans presentation and under my new name.  As a College Trustee I was able to foster understanding and change with my public coming out that resulted in three days of presentations including transgender panels I was on.  We changed the College's diversity and discrimination policies to include gender identity.  New people are coming out and we started a local trans support group. 
While I greatly appreciate the sacrifices and commitment that took you to DC I try and remember the old 70's admonition to "Think globally but act locally"  ENDA is essential and grassroots activism is where it works for some of us.  We do this together.
IMHO all "out" Trans people are making a statement and taking a stand and we certainly have many very capable and articulate folks right here who speak out in their communities too.

Thank you for being a stellar activist
Open, out and evolving queer trans person forever with HRT support since March 13, 2013
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Keaira

YES!! I'm not alone! that's fantastic to see. ^_^
And thank you for your work.
I'm probably going to help out the Indiana Transgender Rights Advocacy Alliance (INTRAA).  I've never really been one to talk to groups before but I'm trying to broaden my horizons. I'm friends with the president and director of INTRAA and they'd like me to give presentations.  And I will be helping a dear friend of mine set up a support group. She's set up a few in different places before. So, I guess that's me thinking locally.
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