Family and pronouns/name

[Mr.X]

My family knows I am trans for a couple of years now, but I have only recently started to medically transition (almost 3 months now). Since those 3 months, I have entered the so called real life phase. In this phase, the hospital who offers the entire transition (from therapist to go/no go to hormones and surgeries) asks of me to live my life as the gender I truly am: male.

But here comes the issue. After telling especially my mom a few months ago that it was time to refer to me in the right pronouns and name, she seems incapable of doing so. I told her I don't ask much. I know that after 26 years of seeing me as a female and using a female name, a lot of 'female' damage has been done, and it is not easy to just switch. But I did tell her that the efford is what counts. It makes me feel appreciated, and that people know that I am really male. However, ever since, my mom has not referred to me -once- with the right pronouns or name. It frustrates me to no end. I dont mind her getting my name or pronouns wrong, but I do mind her not even trying to get it right.

Also my brother, who is very understanding and accepting about the entire process, did not do it right once. Today, after a family gathering of my two younger brothers, my older brother (the understanding and accepting one, even though all brothers accept me) and my mother, none of them used the right pronouns or name. It frustrated me a lot, so I started to correct them. I was very done with my female name and all the ' her ' and 'she' -ing. But when my older brother and I drove home (we both live quite far away from the rest of the family due to jobs/studies) he told me that my quite 'feisty' correcting of people had the averse effect on him. He knew he was doing it wrong, but the way I reacted to it made him stubbornly react in the opposite way I desired. He imediately confessed that was wrong of him to do, but also that it was his initial reaction and he couldn't prevent it. He said he needed time to get used to using the right pronouns, and someone correcting him didn't help.

So now I don't know what to do. How can my family get used to using the right pronouns if no one correct them when they do it wrong? I mean, they don't do it wrong on purpose. They just dont think and blurt it out. I was thinking by interrupting that habit of calling me she, I would get them used to it by breaking it, and let them think about using pronouns. But apparently, this also counterfires. Anyone knows what to do about this very frustrating situation?

Don't get me wrong. My family has been very accepting of me so far. I love them to bits. But I just don't know how to get them to use the right pronouns and names without telling them they are doing it wrong.

[spacerace]

You could write a letter with a list of reasons of why the pronoun/name switch is so important. Think of 10 reasons or something and put them in a list in bullet form in the letter, so it is easy to read. Email it to relevant family members.

Or hold a family meeting and explain each of those reasons to them in person, emphasizing what it means to you.

Then wait and see what happens. If they still never come around, then it may be time to start vigilantly enforcing it.

[Amelia Pond]

Honestly, they've known that you wanted to be referred to by your male name and pronouns for months now and they've known for years that you're trans, I think they've had plenty of time to "get used to it."

Though to avoid any hostility I'd either write them a letter or talk to them, either individually or in a group, and explain to them what this means to you. Hopefully, that will help them understand how important it is for them to change how they refer to you.

Amy

[Dominick_81]

My family knows I am trans for a couple of years now, but I have only recently started to medically transition (almost 3 months now). Since those 3 months, I have entered the so called real life phase. In this phase, the hospital who offers the entire transition (from therapist to go/no go to hormones and surgeries) asks of me to live my life as the gender I truly am: male.

But here comes the issue. After telling especially my mom a few months ago that it was time to refer to me in the right pronouns and name, she seems incapable of doing so. I told her I don't ask much. I know that after 26 years of seeing me as a female and using a female name, a lot of 'female' damage has been done, and it is not easy to just switch. But I did tell her that the efford is what counts. It makes me feel appreciated, and that people know that I am really male. However, ever since, my mom has not referred to me -once- with the right pronouns or name. It frustrates me to no end. I dont mind her getting my name or pronouns wrong, but I do mind her not even trying to get it right.

Also my brother, who is very understanding and accepting about the entire process, did not do it right once. Today, after a family gathering of my two younger brothers, my older brother (the understanding and accepting one, even though all brothers accept me) and my mother, none of them used the right pronouns or name. It frustrated me a lot, so I started to correct them. I was very done with my female name and all the ' her ' and 'she' -ing. But when my older brother and I drove home (we both live quite far away from the rest of the family due to jobs/studies) he told me that my quite 'feisty' correcting of people had the averse effect on him. He knew he was doing it wrong, but the way I reacted to it made him stubbornly react in the opposite way I desired. He imediately confessed that was wrong of him to do, but also that it was his initial reaction and he couldn't prevent it. He said he needed time to get used to using the right pronouns, and someone correcting him didn't help.

So now I don't know what to do. How can my family get used to using the right pronouns if no one correct them when they do it wrong? I mean, they don't do it wrong on purpose. They just dont think and blurt it out. I was thinking by interrupting that habit of calling me she, I would get them used to it by breaking it, and let them think about using pronouns. But apparently, this also counterfires. Anyone knows what to do about this very frustrating situation?

Don't get me wrong. My family has been very accepting of me so far. I love them to bits. But I just don't know how to get them to use the right pronouns and names without telling them they are doing it wrong.

Wow! This is exactly what I'm going through. My cousin said the same thing to me when correcting her about names and pronouns. She said it makes her or people not want to talk to me b/c they will be so afraid of messing up and they don't want to upset you so they would rather just not talk to you.

Their not doing it on purpose as my mother told me. They forget and slip up. Their just so used to calling you by your other name it's like second nature to them, they say it without thinking and sometimes they will remember and stop what they are saying or switch over. I know how upsetting it is, believe me. It makes me just wanna die when it happens in public. It's so humiliating. But as soon as they realize they messed up in public they correct themselves b/c I let them know they just messed up in public. My family has know for over 2 years and only a couple will call me Dominick but one forgets to use the right pronouns. But with other family members, like my grandmother, she will call me "Grandchild" now since she can't use the right name and pronouns with me. She forgets once in a while, and sometimes I will remind her.

I would say if they can't use the right names and pronouns, try to come to an agreement. Like, have your parents call you "child" or something ya know and your siblings call you "bro" or "buddy" or something. Something where names and pro nouns won't be used, ya know what I mean? That's the agreement I came to with my grandmother.

I hope your able to work something out with your family members.

[chuck]

here is another part of the equation that you are probably not considering: if NO ONE is calling yu by the correct pronouns then it becomes a viscious cycle. No one wants to do it first because they dont want to feel different or akward. If you can get just one person to consistently call you "he" it will go a long way at family gatherings. As other posters have said that will probably not be achieved with agression (which i think actually sucks. I spent some time with my brother yesterday who calls me "chuck" but calls me 'she' Considering the fact that i have a deeper voice, longer beard and more muscles than him, and have been living asa guy for the past 10 years, it pisses me off and giving him a talking to / smack down crossed my mind quite a few times, It is probably the last time i will see him until he can get the pronouns right.) Any how, my sister always calls me by the correct name and pronouns and I have told her many times how much it means to me, when my family is together, she does not back down and it has helped my family come around a bit. My point is, no one wants to be first, so you might need to actively seek out an allie, preferably someone who in your family who really really likes you and is likely to get committed to you. Dont make a big deal out of anyone who calls you the correct pronoun until you get some time alone with them. Then just let them know it means alot to you.

[Adam (birkin)]

Actually, what Chuck said was the case for me. I finally got one family member on board using the right name and pronouns and many others followed suit.

[Mr.X]

Thanks for all your replies, guys!

I do not need to write a letter to my family. I have already been very clear to them that it hurts me when they do it wrong. I can tell them that face to face without any problems. The problem is that they do not do it on purpose. It's all done on automode. That's why I was correcting them because the habit must be broken.

And yes, they had enough time to get used to me being a guy. But saying one thing and doing it for real is another. My transition started (read: hormones) 3 months ago. I am slowly starting to change. I think they still have to get used to me actually changing after seeing me as a female for years and years. So I'm guessing that things only started to get real for them a couple of months ago, and thus they need more time.

Instead, I think I will try positive re-enforcement. My little brother of 16 is the only one who calls me his brother sometimes, and refers to me as he. I will smile and thank him every time he does it. Hopefully my family will start to see how happy it makes me, and catch on. When they do, I will thank them.

[chuck]

Thanks for all your replies, guys!

I do not need to write a letter to my family. I have already been very clear to them that it hurts me when they do it wrong. I can tell them that face to face without any problems. The problem is that they do not do it on purpose. It's all done on automode. That's why I was correcting them because the habit must be broken.

And yes, they had enough time to get used to me being a guy. But saying one thing and doing it for real is another. My transition started (read: hormones) 3 months ago. I am slowly starting to change. I think they still have to get used to me actually changing after seeing me as a female for years and years. So I'm guessing that things only started to get real for them a couple of months ago, and thus they need more time.

Instead, I think I will try positive re-enforcement. My little brother of 16 is the only one who calls me his brother sometimes, and refers to me as he. I will smile and thank him every time he does it. Hopefully my family will start to see how happy it makes me, and catch on. When they do, I will thank them.

this last bit might work against you and even make your brother feel uncomfortable. The more attnetion you draw to him doing it, the more aggresively your family may react. Instead i reccomend that you thank you him in private once in a while. If you thank him in front of yourfamily that might breed jelousy/ hostility

[FTMDiaries]

I've tried so hard to get my family to use the right name & pronouns. My husband has used the right name - once - to mock me. My kids still call me 'she'. I've tried asking nicely; pleading with them; explaining rationally how much it hurts to be misgendered and how much it would mean to me if they got it right... no use. They just keep on keepin' on.

So I'm waiting for the T to kick in so that they can be the ones who look like idiots if they misgender me. I hope I don't experience what Chuck experiences with his brother, because I don't have the patience to put up with that so it wouldn't end well.