I Really Feel Like Ending It All

[Katherine]

I can certainly say I've been there.  When I was going through a process of ending my own life some years ago, I realized in a brief instant that I could continue on and I just sat there rocking back and forth on the floor crying.  I cried so hard.  I called a psychiatrist I had only recently met, who was kind and understanding.  She was, unfortunately in a meeting but said she would help.  I then called my mother who didn't know about my being transsexual and revealed myself to her.  We spoke awhile and eventually she started crying too.  Thing is, she supported me completely without reservation and took the time to study transsexualism, always reminding me that she was there for me.  Anyway,  the point is, you can go on with your life.  Take your time and live each day as it comes.  Keep your transition goals in your thoughts, make them reasonable, set milestones, and don't let any setbacks get you down and cause you to become negative and feel hopelessness.  See a therapist.  See a therapist.  You are not the first to have these feelings and I'm sure there are many others here who have.  Giving up is easy, moving forward and working towards your new life is very hard, but brings with it the greatest rewards.  Giving up will hurt those closest to you, family and friends and I don't think you'd want that.  Get a therapist, and communicate with those here who offer you their help in whatever way they can.  You can make it work.  Just think and believe in yourself and know that one day you will finally live the life you are meant to live.  It will happen.  Take care.

[JessicaH]

I know you are hurting and probably not thinking rationally but you need a parents view on what you are thinking about. If this comes of as mean or uncaring, it's certainly not how I mean it.

You seem concerned about adding additional stress on you parents who already have a full plate, so please consider think this through a little more. As a parent, there is not a problem on the planet that would have more of my attention and concern than saving the life of my child. If you think they carry a burden now, they haven't felt ANYTHING compared to loosing a child. They won't be able to deal with their other issues if you were to end your life.

The horror of loosing your child is unthinkable but loosing your child at their own hands is exponentially worse. Your parents will spend the rest of their lives with a pain that will never end until they die. On top of that, the stress of their loss will likely drive a wedge between them and they will end up divorced and alone.  I would literally give my child my heart if it would save their life. I would spend the rest of my life wondering what else I could have done or what I could have done different.

Please, Just tell your parents if you are at the point that you are considering the taking of your own life because of GID. If you can't do it to their face, write it out and give it to them in an email or a letter. You owe them the chance to accept and support you. You really don't have anything to loose at this point and EVERYTHING to gain!

[Taka]

I kind of do present more androgynous as it is. I wear my hear past my shoulders and have only decent fitting clothes, I don't wear too much baggy stuff. I don't have much facial hair, but I've embarrassingly pulled it out of my face twice now with tweezers (it's a pain). My family isn't too hard on me, it's just that with the things they are going through I don't think they could take me doing this right now, or understand very well.

I didn't expect so many replies, wow.
I realize my first post was kind of dramatic. Drunk forum posting is not a good idea!

it's better to be dramatic than dead, don't worry too much about drunk posting. some times you'll end up telling about your problems rather than just bottling it all up until it's too late. that can prevent some accidents from happening.

don't be embarrassed about tweezing your beard, the romans did it too. and don't worry too much about your parents, most prefer a transsexual kid over a dead one. do what keeps you alive and thriving. you're also old enough that you can start transitioning without necessarily coming out first, if you do it slowly. there are some places where they don't expect you to act your preferred gender before giving hormone treatment. talking to a therapist about hormone blockers rather than hormone replacement might be an idea, the physical changes aren't too big, and not having too much of the wrong hormones might help you think more clearly.

[ageofsickness]

Another step is to get off the booze, I am not one to cast the first stone I posted quite a bit last night after drinking 2 bottles of wine.

Agreed, it doesn't really help, plus it's a waste of money!

You are among friends here.  Many of us have walked in your shoes.

As far as flaws and things that seem insurmountable, I'd like you to look at the "Before & After" topic here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0.html

Thanks!

it's better to be dramatic than dead, don't worry too much about drunk posting. some times you'll end up telling about your problems rather than just bottling it all up until it's too late. that can prevent some accidents from happening.

don't be embarrassed about tweezing your beard, the romans did it too. and don't worry too much about your parents, most prefer a transsexual kid over a dead one. do what keeps you alive and thriving. you're also old enough that you can start transitioning without necessarily coming out first, if you do it slowly. there are some places where they don't expect you to act your preferred gender before giving hormone treatment. talking to a therapist about hormone blockers rather than hormone replacement might be an idea, the physical changes aren't too big, and not having too much of the wrong hormones might help you think more clearly.

Luckily my beard isn't really thick, it's just visible pretty much.
I was considering doing it slowly and not really announcing it, I want to know I can pass before I even think of presenting as female, but it will definitely be a long road.

[Devlyn]

Alcohol doesn't help with anything, take my word for it. Plus it eats time and money better spent on other pursuits. Hugs, Devlyn

[Felix]

Alcohol doesn't help with anything, take my word for it. Plus it eats time and money better spent on other pursuits. Hugs, Devlyn

I'm pro-alcohol generally, pro-chemical in all respects (drugs, foods, oxygen) as long as care and planning are there, but drinking while suicidal is super dangerous. Alcohol makes you impulsive and disinhibited. If you feel at all like giving up, don't drink or do other things that make you unpredictable.

If I find myself getting way closer to poetry and bad feelings than critical thinking and logic, I don't drink or listen to music that makes me emotional. I try to focus on exercise or on writing (or typing) out what seems wrong or insurmountable. Then when I feel better (or fall into apathy) I can try to take practical steps toward improving life or at least surviving.

I agree with others who have pointed out that your parents, regardless of their views, are probably going to want to make it okay, however you define it. Losing a child is almost unthinkable.

[Taka]

Luckily my beard isn't really thick, it's just visible pretty much.
I was considering doing it slowly and not really announcing it, I want to know I can pass before I even think of presenting as female, but it will definitely be a long road.

this road called life is often a very long one to wander. some are lucky to walk a fairly flat road, while others like most of us have to traverse some really steep hills. take it at your own pace, sit down and rest if you need it. the view is much greater at the top of this hill than what anyone who walks a flat road will ever see.
when i mentioned hormone therapy, it's because hormones affect your mood a real lot. feeling better with less of the wrong sex hormones is a much safer sign of ->-bleeped-<- than the willingness to take on the whole world in an effort to pass as your internal gender. it's something you can try to see if the feeling is right, before you start making too serious plans about how you'll transition. if you find a doctor and/or therapist who's willing to help you.

If I find myself getting way closer to poetry and bad feelings than critical thinking and logic, I don't drink or listen to music that makes me emotional. I try to focus on exercise or on writing (or typing) out what seems wrong or insurmountable. Then when I feel better (or fall into apathy) I can try to take practical steps toward improving life or at least surviving.

not drinking or listening to the wrong music on bad days is definitely a wise decision. i've also learned to count units on a waning moon, anything more than two can get bad even if i don't think i have a particularly bad day. i'm not the type to write down things, but instead i listen to music that calms me down. onoken can get me out of any aggressive mood within few minutes, while severe depression or anxiety usually calls for some real heavy metal. it's interesting how metal songs about despair can make me forget about my own.