missing bits of life? What if? Losses? Dressing to young for age? Yes, there is to much involved to even truely realize how different one could have been if things had been different, either in desires or missed oportunities. So many varibles.
The personal losses I can live with easily enough, a matter of payment for what I want, it is the mental conditioning that occurred over the years that I regret. Some of the attitudes and behaviors I picked up in all the years of denial, and denial is something that continues to crop up long after I would have thought it eliminated. It shows in so many little ways in things that are hard for me to let go of, but realize I must.
Missing bits of life? Yes, there is so much I never experienced as a female and more that I never will, but I don't ponder on such things.
Dressing to young? Most often yes. I am in an emotional sense, a very young post teen, I never developed past that mental stage other then to learn about reality and the harsh consiquences of it, but still, I am a child in an adult environment and think, act and look far younger then my chronilogical age. Just another consiquence of not being truely alive until middle age.
I can't do anything about the losses of life, but I do all I can about the gains of the future with the primary goal of just being at peace with it all and learning to overcome my shortcommings.
What if? Well, I deliberately determined a course of action back in the 70's that I felt was necessary for survival. What if I had not made the decisions I did, how different life would have been, or would I even have survived if I hadn't? And was it necessary at all to further compound the problem with actions and decisions I made afterwards? I'll never know, so all I can do is work with the created problems and deminish or eliminate thier effect on me.
What if is endless and never ending, What Now is more important to me.
Terri
