nervous rambling :s

[ZandertheSwanky]

I'm worried about this whole process because I started going through it once before, just a couple years back. I went with the name Aden and first started trying to enforce the fact I was a dude on the internet, though I wasn't comfortable enough telling a lot of people I knew in person. But I was pretty okay with being a guy when suddenly my mind snapped and I wanted to do girl things and be girly and...it was like a rabid femininity spree and I was glad I hadn't told anyone about my "spell of manliness". Then time passed, and it kinda crept up again, but I decided to settle for bigender. But lately I've been questioning even that identity.

It all started with people calling me cute....all the time. I knew I should have felt flattered, but all it did was point out how pathetic I look. Seriously, people still sometimes ask if I need a kid's menu and I'm gonna be a senior in high school this year. My "cuteness" made it so people didn't take me seriously (ever) and I thought that was my whole problem. But then I started getting irritated when I was called a girl, or woman, or even just by name. I cringed every time I was called pretty, a "grown woman", and more. And this reaction is still happening to this day.

And then I began picturing myself as a guy, and it was...frightening but nice. I was still, and still am, really spooked about the idea (I even wrote a pros and cons list but it only scared me more). But I don't feel happy when I look in the mirror, no matter how pretty I can make myself. But I'm afraid that I'll start going through with it and go on another "girl spree". And I also feel like I'll disappoint my mom if I tell her.

My brother was born when my parents were still in high school, and I was born 2 and a half years later. My parents have been through hell and back for us, and my mom sometimes talks about how happy she was when she had a boy AND a girl. I can tell that she's a bit bummed that I'm not a girly girl/more like her (she says I'm my dad's daughter a lot) and she wants me to be more ladylike, and I feel like me wanting to be a guy will just make her even more upset. She's always so happy when we have "girl time"...

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and no one can really offer me any advice in this situation...so honestly anything helps. Thank you for reading.

[Ltl89]

I'm on the other side of the gender spectrum, but I think I can help.  I have never experienced a rush to do "guy things or be manly", but I know many women that did experience it.  I did go through periods of denial and made attempts to change myself, but there was always a voice saying that's not you (not a literal voice, I'm not that crazy,lol).  I think this is common in the trans community, so I wouldn't sweat it.  As for who you are, only you can discover that.  Sometimes it takes time.  Have you ever talked to a therapist?  It might do some good. 

[ZandertheSwanky]

I haven't even been in a therapist's office, let alone engaged in a session. I'm a bit awkward asking my parents about it, especially since I'm afraid of being any kind of nuisance or disappointment...and I think they're under the impression I'm pretty mentally healthy so they'd be all like "U DON'T NEED THERAPEE?" and I don't know if I'm ready to explain myself quite yet...

[Ltl89]

If you aren't ready to ask your parents and don't have the ability to go to one on your own, then you may have to wait.  Of course, assuming you are on the younger side, you may be able to talk to a school counsellor.  They wouldn't be able to start you on the path of transitioning, but they will be able to talk to you and perhaps help you.   Remember, if you are a minor (don't post your age), you will need your parents permission to start hormones.  Otherwise, you will have to wait.  Do you think there is a way to talk about your feelings with your parents?  I'm not suggesting you do or don't, but I'm curious about how you feel they may respond and how you'd prefer to handle this situation. 

[ZandertheSwanky]

I'm not too afraid of outright rejection, but I'm worried about disappointment...and I honestly have no idea how my mom will react.

And I'm not sure how soon I want to start on hormones, this whole thing is pretty new to me and I'm still a bit...timid. I was thinking about talking to one of our counselors at my school (she's a lesbian and is pretty darn cool from what I can tell) and I feel like she could help me out a lot, as far as talking to my parents goes. Right now I think that's my main problem because I have a hard time telling my parents about anything...

[Taka]

talking to that counselor at your school sounds like a good idea. just having someone know about your insecurities might help, especially if they're accepting but don't offer too many answers.

there are some transsexuals who go through phases of feeling a need to act their gaab. it might be a bit like a pendulum where both extremes are too much, trying too hard to be your real gender can backfire in weird ways, i suppose. it might be easier to find an answer if you just lay off all your expectations about having to act or dress specific ways just because your this or that gender. i did that and became much happier, though i still haven't found a clear answer. thus far i've managed to be neither nor, one, the other, and both. still taking my time deciding anything other than trying to find someone who might consider helping me get some hormone therapy. it's not really necessary to decide on a gender, whichever one that may be, the most important thing is to be yourself. and through being yourself you might find out that you do or do not belong in a specific gender category.