Fear of coming out massively holding me back.

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

Hiya

I really am scared of coming out, its the one thing i feel is holding me back from transitioning!

I sit in my room all evening on my own, and although a few people know of my feelings, i don't feel that i can tell anyone close through fear of losing them!

Part of the reason for this is that although im 99.9% sure of wanting to change, there is the fear that if i were to come out, and was then unable to transition, or the dysphoria lessened to some extent and i didn't end up transitioning, i would be in a worse position than i am now! :/

i do have friends and family, and a good job, but im just so unhappy with my body and how i have to express myself. Its just i really am scared of losing people and im unsure i'd be able to stay in my job if i were to come out!! :/ I just dont want this to be the reason that i dont transition, and in ten or twenty years time to look back and feel that i have wasted my life through fear of being judged by others!!

How did you all deal with coming out, did it hold any of you back significantly?

Hugs and Kisses
Zoe
xx

[A]

I cheated. I told my mother. (And my father, but that's only through obligation and he's not really part of my life.) That's all. She understood that I'm shy and took on the job of relaying the message to everyone relevant, and I didn't even need to ask her.

You could consider doing the same.

[mrs izzy]

I found that fears are just that fears. Noting more or less. As you said you are losing them, that is the #1 fear of everyone standing on the fence of to transition or not.
So in your now normal everyday life do you live for everyone close now. Do they live there lives for you everday now? You as a person are responsable for yourself only. You have a responsibility for yourself being happy. No one else is going to deal with all your feelings make them better and hand them back to you all fixed.
For me it came down to me caring more for me then what about others might think. If others did not like things then thats fine. Yes it hurts inside because of there not caring. Life goes on everyday as people move on with there lives to make personal happiness.
With all this said i am not sure where you are in your process. As a suggestion i would not let tell anyone the news until you are ready to go Full time. Never put the horse in front of the cart. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is not way to put it back.
To move forward think of what you wish to do for you in what steps going forward and you will be supprised who is still standing next to you. There will be some who just due to the fear they worry more what others will think of them knowing you will step away, but i looked at it as how true where they with our friendship?

Anyway i am not going to sugar coat anything it sure is hard taking each step. Look inside you and keep yourself true and happy. This is about your happiness and not others. They have there own happiness to worry about more then yours.

Safe walk on your path
Izzy

[DrBobbi]

Kiddo,

Please be true to yourself and if you're trans, start your hormones replacement therapy (HRT). They work so slowly, over months and years that you'll have a chance to reverse course, if they're not right for you. With respect to coming out, while liberating it can come with a hefty price tag, including loss of a few family members and friends...even a job. I had hoped to quietly transition, but that wasn't in the cards for me. My transition using HRT became an international news story for two weeks and overnight everyone knew, including four strangers walking down a Los Angeles street that stopped me to give me a hug! What I'm saying is, it was a blessing. No more hiding and with Estradiol, no more deep depression (suicidal thoughts), or OCD fueled dysphoria. For the first time in my life my mind was quiet and I was happy, liberated from the prison of my closeted mind. But it came at a cost....

With mostly positive stories were the blogs where uneducated people called me a brain damaged, sick, mentally ill, a lesbian, and even my favorite, "fabulous flying ->-bleeped-<-." I even lost a job with a scientific consultancy. But, the real cost was the loss of my daughter. After giving her life, and loving her unconditionally these past 29 years, she turned her back on me and will not speak with me. There are no words for how I feel, but over time I will, like the anyone that loses a child, remember her with a smile instead of a tear. My son, however, has been understanding, as have my former wife, and girlfriends. Then there's my new friends! They have been amazing.

Anyway, is it worth it? Yes. It's been 101 days since starting HRT and I haven't had a single bad day. Not one! The changes are fantastic, even magical, and will never go back. Life is wonderful.

[Antonia J]

I'm glad I came out, but it was not without pain. It solves some problems as you can start to explore your new life and being authentic.  However, it can also open up a new world of pain and complexity.

I would encourage you to speak with a Gender therapist to help your planning to come out.  I would also encourage you to explore support groups locally.  Doing both before you come out will help equip you and the people you come out to with more tools to cope with the change.

[Joanna Dark]

Why do you need to come out? I have always wondered why people want to come out and stuff. Just do it. I think starting HRT and letting it work a little is a good plan before coming out and telling everyone. First off, you will know within a couple months if hormones are the right choice. If you come out before then and cause all sorts of turmoil you want ever have the ability to independently analyze your true feelings. There are so many benefits to keeping it quiet for a little bit. That being said, yes you might lose your job. But consider this: they did a study on dying people and asked them their main regret. The number one answer: not being true to yourself and never having been your own person and living the way you want.

I'd start the process and consider coming out in a couple months. Start planning for a different future. Save your money.

BTW, I never cam out to anyone. So this isn't just some thing I say. I lived it. It fell apart rather quick as most people noticed the changes within three months and it was pretty obvious I was becoming very femme.

[Rachel]

I came out to HR, Benefits, Boss, Operations Manager, Professional Coach and Wife. I am glad I did and since starting HRT my GID is manageable. What I thought would be something I could not do is something I have done and glad I have.

[Rachel84]

"Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration" From Dune, if anyone is familiar with it.

Fear can control your life.  It kept me from coming out for years, even though I thought about it constantly.  At some point you just have to realize that you can overcome your fears and stop letting it dictate how you should live your life.  Even though your fears may have been driven by some type of external forces, such as societal views, or family.  Fear ultimately come from within, and can be conquered. 

That being said, I was on hormones for six months before coming out.  Almost everyone was accepting and supportive.  Those who weren't have slowly been coming around.  It came to the point where I it didn't matter what everyone else thought, I had to be true to myself.  Everyone's deserves to live their life on their own terms, and be happy. 

[A]

Joanna: Well, for me at least, coming out was the prerequisite my general practitioner, the second person I went to with my trans problems, gave me for referring me further into the process (psychiatrist). Depending on your personality, being ready to tell the people closer to you might indeed be an okay test of readiness, so even though I think it's not the best thing in the world in that it's hardly appropriate for everyone, I guess I can understand the reasoning.

Also, some people (and that includes me) lack the individualism to take that kind of decision and move towards a goal without speaking about it with someone they care for and feeling approved. Heck, I have the biggest trouble in the world trying to just do my damned dishes if I don't take the decision with someone. I'm an extreme case, all right, and most people are able to take the decision to take a shower alone, but I sure understand that many people would need reassurance before jumping into that kind of big decision.

That said, I agree: it's not like you absolutely need to come out before doing anything.

[Jaelithe]

I expect to lose some friends, and as I've mentioned elsewhere, for large numbers of family members to make a personal crusade out of 'saving me' from transition.  After thinking about things as long as I have I've come to peace with that idea.  If my friends don't accept the real me without my 'man mask' then they're not really my friends. 

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

[Cindy]

I was petrified, I was certain I would lose my job. I had no friends anyway so I couldn't lose them, like you I sat at home a drunk wall flower in my case. My courage and companion were mr whiskey.

I lost nothing. My job was totally accepting, no issues about toilets titles anything. I have friends, I have a very busy social life, and I gained one thing that I had never had. Self respect, I did lose one 'friend' mr whiskey has left the house, I don't miss him either.

It is a hard path, but it is worthwhile walking it and we are here to help you every step.

Cindy

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

Thanks Ladies

I'm so glad i found this website! it really is amazing to speak to people who have been in my situation.

I think i really want to start hormones before i come out, it just feels as though if i tell people and they know that i've already started the process, they will take me more seriously than if i just blurt it out!!

I'm just feeling very alone at the moment! and i hate feeling as though no-one will understand my feelings!! :/

x

[A]

A therapist will, most likely. And even though most people indeed don't really undestand, some do. And even among those who don't understand, of course, most decent people will accept even though they don't really get it. From my experience so far I'd say 2 % people will not accept it. My father, that is. He's the only one. And fortunately he's hardly part of my life anymore.

[Emenii]

My fear of coming out held me back 6 years and I REALLY deeply regret it. I could easily say not coming out earlier was one of my biggest regrets in life because it has affected my transition so much.

[Heather]

Why do you need to come out? I have always wondered why people want to come out and stuff.

Well if you care about the people your close to you do. I couldn't imagine trying hiding this from my family. Heck right now on most days I don't really pass well as a man. And do think that requires some sort of explanation now do you tell the whole world no. But I think you should always be honest with those you are close too.
Does coming out hurt yes it does but really once everything calms down it's usually a lot better. Because with me I always had guilt associated with spending my life pretending to be somebody else. So telling the truth was such a weight off my back. And also if you have a job you kinda have to.
I only have one more person to tell in person and then I will notify work the rest I will tell via Facebook. So why do I come out? It's simple cause I choose too. 

[Joanna Dark]

Well if you care about the people your close to you do. I couldn't imagine trying hiding this from my family. Heck right now on most days I don't really pass well as a man. And do think that requires some sort of explanation now do you tell the whole world no. But I think you should always be honest with those you are close too.
Does coming out hurt yes it does but really once everything calms down it's usually a lot better. Because with me I always had guilt associated with spending my life pretending to be somebody else. So telling the truth was such a weight off my back. And also if you have a job you kinda have to.
I only have one more person to tell in person and then I will notify work the rest I will tell via Facebook. So why do I come out? It's simple cause I choose too. 

That's not what I meant. I meant it's perfectly fine to get therapy (or not) and go one HRT and wait until you start changing to deliver an explanation or whatever, though often they know what's happening. I feel like coming out before starting transition is like asking permission and whether it is like that or not, if you haven't started yet, that's how some will take it. That you are asking for permission and if they withhold support, you won't transition.

Im not saying people shouldn't come out if that makes them feel better or is neccessary for HRT but I also think there is pressure in the trans community to come out. Like that is the first thing you should do. To me, the first thing you should do is go on hormones and see what happens. Say you come out and then three months later before any changs happen, you decide this isn't right. But you came out? Well guess what you are now trans forever more like it or not. If you came out to friends and like women, I hope you plan on moving because dating just became a lot harder. Most women don't want to date the guy who can't decide if he is trans or not. or woman as the case may be.

I just don't think maing sure this is the right path before coming out is not the same as being dishonest or less then honest. This is prolly especially true for people who discovered their trans-ness recently. That being said: you look GREAT Heather!

[Ltl89]

I completely understand.  This is why I waited till I was 24.  Fear sucks.  Yet, we can't really live our life fearing and not living.  I won't tell you that it will all be a bed of roses, but if this is what you need to do, then this is what you need to do.  It's better to get it over at some point then holding your life back and delaying your overall happiness and mental well being.  Do what's best for you and all will be okay in time. 

That's not what I meant. I meant it's perfectly fine to get therapy (or not) and go one HRT and wait until you start changing to deliver an explanation or whatever, though often they know what's happening. I feel like coming out before starting transition is like asking permission and whether it is like that or not, if you haven't started yet, that's how some will take it. That you are asking for permission and if they withhold support, you won't transition.

Im not saying people shouldn't come out if that makes them feel better or is neccessary for HRT but I also think there is pressure in the trans community to come out. Like that is the first thing you should do. To me, the first thing you should do is go on hormones and see what happens. Say you come out and then three months later before any changs happen, you decide this isn't right. But you came out? Well guess what you are now trans forever more like it or not. If you came out to friends and like women, I hope you plan on moving because dating just became a lot harder. Most women don't want to date the guy who can't decide if he is trans or not. or woman as the case may be.

I just don't think maing sure this is the right path before coming out is not the same as being dishonest or less then honest. This is prolly especially true for people who discovered their trans-ness recently. That being said: you look GREAT Heather!

I think for most of us it's about sharing an important part of our life with loved ones.  My mom is my best friend and not telling her would be the worst thing I could ever do.  I needed to let her know.  Personally, I feel the longer you wait, the harder it is.  Many have told me that they were and are angry with me for keeping it from them too long.  Having said that, I still haven't told everyone.  I never told my father.  But he knows I'm on hormones, seeing an endocrinoligist and a therapist, go for blood work, and he used to get the eobs from my old insurance that have to explain what I am being treated for, so I assume he knows.  Plus, he recently asked me to visit him for a week for some male bonding. Getting back to the topic, my point is that it differs for each one of us.  Some need to tell others don't.  I just think coming out early is better for the overall stability of a relationship.  Still, I understand how fear works and it still cripples me despite my overall knowledge that it is worse to give into it. 

[Aina]

Zoe I am sort in the same boat, I am completely mortified and scared to say anything, and I just turned 30, I've had ups and downs about my desire to be female. I think some were when I was around 20 I pretty much wanted to be female 24/7 - turning 30 has only amplified my desire to come out and say something, so maybe I can move froward.

Honestly I am on the fence about therapy, I am not really sure what they could say to me about what I can already say about myself. Ha if that sentence made some sense to me maybe I do need therapy  .  But I find coming out important to me others may not and what is important is what you believe is important for you to move forward, but as I said I am very scared to do it all I can do is point out that everyone here is cheering for your success!

The one thing I've learned since joining, everyone here is looking out for one another since we are in the same boat per-say.

So good luck, what ever your do!

[GwynnRae]

Hey Zoe,
I think your in good company here. I've recently moved to the pacific northwest and made a commitment to myself that I be honest with  myself and others about being trans. I'm planning to start "part-time" next month (meaning just in my personal life, not professional) and I've found myself becoming a shut in. Afraid to make friends (I've only one left since coming out) I find myself becoming a hermit. Luckily, I've found a group of great trans people here and try to attend gatherings when I'm able, and I go to an accepting church where I've come out to the pastor and the deacons. Other then that, I tend to turtle up as I'm afraid that I will be rejected once potential friends find out. I just make it a point to "just get out" (I've probably a touch of social anxiety). Yeah, its definitely hard and I have to work at it one day at a time.
Zoe, find a support group in your area. With a bit of research on the internet and a few phone calls, you can find your sisters/brothers what will just be there for you. It may be a good step in normalizing being trans and find some self acceptance.

Love ya Sis,

Gwyn