Overcoming the doubts

[DawnL]

I am nearing the end of my RLT and of the many issues I'm dealing with, the one I have the most trouble with is this:  I am lucky and evidently very passable so people who do not know me treat me like a woman.  It's wonderful.  With people I know, I deal with varying degrees of acceptance, tolerance, disapproval, and subtle forms of hostility.  Not many of these people treat me like a woman, but continue to treat me like either a male or a transsexual.  The pronouns are more often wrong than right.  At first, I tolerated this, accepting it as the normal course of transition.  I wasn't going to be one of those ugly transwomen who ran around pointedly correcting others all day long.  I've begun to request that people use the right pronouns or gently correct people , but progress is slow.  Some people can't and some won't, others try hard.  The real problem is regardless of the pronouns and the effort people put into them, you realize they still view you as either male or an oddity. 

Okay, so my female identity arises primarily from within but it gets frustrating when people are still reflecting "you're really male regardless of how you look or act" back.  Occasionally, this leads me to doubt the validity of my gender identity--back to all the doubts that haunted me most of my life and that prevented me from doing or saying something sooner.  I know there's no cure fof this, but I'm beginning to understand why some trans people relocate after transition and go deep stealth.

Dawn

[Northern Jane]

I transitioned at 24 and had led a double life for nearly 10 years before than. To a large degree, the two lives were seperate.

I tended to be less "delicate" with people. After giving someone a reasonable chance to adjust their attitude, I simply switched to referring to them by the opposite gender so they could see what it felt like. None of them continued very long.

It isn't as much about pronouns as it is about acceptance and support. If the people are close to you, they need to respect your wishes and support you. If they are not close, tell them to F.O.! 

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there Dawn,

I get a little of the same thing at work as far as the pronouns go.  At first I too gave them time to make the adjustment, but now I correct them on the spot.  I like Janes idea of refering to them the same way, I may try that.  As far as hostility goes, I know there are a couple of people here who will never change their opinion of me but I just think to myself that it's their problem not mine.  It's a question of "Mind Over Matter"... I don't mind and they don't matter.

Steph

[Leigh]

If they use the wrong name ignore them, obiviously they are not talking to you.

[Shelley]

For some I suppose it's that old first appearances thing but for others it's an attitude thing related to judgement.

I actually find judgemental people won't change because it's related to their selfishness. People have to adapt around them rather then them adapt to their surroundings.


The latter often are really not worth the effort.

Shelley

[beth]

HI Dawn,


                   They will all come to address you properly in time. Why?  Because you are a woman.


beth

[LostInTime]

Yes, there are reasons why many of our brothers and sisters do relocate and cut all ties with their past.  I hope to do the same sometime soon.

[Sheila]

I do what has already been mentioned here. It will depend on who uses the wrong pronouns with me. If I don't know them very well I will simply use the wrong pronoun with them, like store clerks or waitress etc. If I know them and obviously they would have known me before and I will let it slip a little and after so many times I will correct them as I will give them the benifit of doubt. I to make mistakes and know that we are not perfect. I try not to make waves, but I inadvertably do. :0)
Sheila

[Sarah Louise]

Most people who are your friends will make a concious effort to use the right pronouns.  I know when I first transtioned, most of the people I worked with used the correct terms.  When they would make a mistake (and that is to be expected, after all they knew me as the other person for many years) they would apoligize and correct themselves.

I did have one woman who would always refer to me correctly in person, but for some reason she would use my old name on the phone, I let it slip for a long time and finally asked why, she hasn't done it again since then.

Obviously people who  met me after the transition have had no problems with being gender correct.

Sarah

[AmyNYC]

I, too, am having the same problem with pronouns, although I firmly believe that, in my situation, none has to do with judgement, but soley because everyone knew me for many years as a guy.

Everybody always says the same thing to me... I'm sorry if I screw up.  I tell them I don't mind as long as they don't mind me correcting them.  They usually agree to that nicely.  So, I almost always correct people every time they screw up.  It tames people pretty quickly.  But there are still screw-ups.  It's really starting to irritate me.

The most irritating...  I tell someone I don't mind when they screw up as long as they don't mind me correcting them.  They agree.  Sometime later (a day, a month, whatever) they screw up a pronoun.  I say, "She".  They look at me like I'm crazy and say, "What?"  "You said 'he'".  "No I didn't."  "Yes you did."  "I think I would know if I screwed it up."  "No, you wouldn't.  Between me & you, who do you think is going to be more aware of pronoun slips?"  That usually shuts them up, but they don't like it.

Occasionally, this leads me to doubt the validity of my gender identity--back to all the doubts that haunted me most of my life and that prevented me from doing or saying something sooner. I know there's no cure fof this, but I'm beginning to understand why some trans people relocate after transition and go deep stealth.

Dawn, pronoun slips shouldn't make you question yourself.  You & I joined these boards at the same time, and our transitions have followed the same timeline.  Unfortunately, no matter how much effort we put into ourselves, we can't make the people we know do any more than they are willing.  It is a strong arguement for relocating, isn't it?

They will all come to address you properly in time. Why?  Because you are a woman.

In a perfect world, yes.  In ours, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Amy

[AmyNYC]

I'm soooo ready to strangle the various people I work with.  Most still use the wrong pronouns.  If there's someone around who never knew me as a guy I usually let it slide, as to not call attention to it.  If the only people around I've known since before transition, I will provide the correct pronoun.  Almost all have begun the habit of completely ignoring me.  They don't correct the pronoun, they don't acknowledge that I corrected them, and invariably they screw up two minutes later and the same thing happens all over again.

I've become so anxious at work just waiting for the inevitable screwup.  Last Friday night me and two bandmembers were at a cocktail hour before the job started.  There were lots of strangers very nearby.  As one guy was getting up from the table, he actually finished his statement by pointing at me and saying, "He did it!  He did it!"  (Yes, he stressed the he's like that.)  He was making a joke that had nothing to do with my gender.  I didn't laugh.  I'm sure he didn't notice the pronoun screwup.  I gently corrected him.  He ignored me.

I've given serious consideration to the "use the wrong pronoun for them" strategy.  Heck, I've got nothing to lose.

Amy

[Dennis]

I know exactly what you're saying Dawn, with the reflection part. I feel that too and it makes me feel like a fraud even though I try not to let it.

It's not just the pronouns. You can tell, in their heads, that they really haven't switched the gender they slot you into.

I don't know how to get past that. I have told the ones who won't switch that that's fine, I'll still be friends, but I'm not going out in public with them. The ones that bug me the most though are the ones who do switch the pronouns, but you can tell they're doing the translation in their heads.

Dennis

[stephanie_craxford]

I think that the reactions both Amy and Dennis are referring to are quite common amongst us from those who knew us before transition.  Up until recently there was a male bus driver (ex military) who always came into the office and said "Good morning Sir" emphasizing the sir.  I tried what has been suggested and referred to him as "Mam".  He got the hint.  Now he calls me Mam.  It is hard for many to make the switch.  I've worked closely with my colleagues for the past 5 years and I know that for many it's hard to get past the "She was a guy" thing, and the pronouns.  As recommended here I taken to completely ignoring those who do not use the correct pronouns, and I don't socialize with them either at or away from work.  Their loss not mine.

Steph

[Teri Anne]

I've felt all of the feelings expressed here including the doubt "am I a fraud?"  It's especially difficult when it's your boss calling you "he" in front of a client that you're meeting for the first time.  I can see the puzzled look on the client's face when my boss calls me "he."  All the client sees is a "she."  It obviously jeapardizes my livelihood when it happens for my boss is "outing" me for no good reason other than laziness and subtle bigotry.  I even tried crying in my boss' office once.  He was good for awhile, then slipped back to his old ways.  I've worked for him for 20 years to I know it's a difficult.  The odd thing is that I know he likes me and appreciates my work.  Lately, he's gotten better but it's taken him 5 years.

I try to be accepting of him because I did a big gender mistake once.  I saw an M2F's wife at a party and asked how her "husband" was.  She was kind and ignored the mistake, just telling me how she was doing.  I still shake my head negatively at how I could call any M2F a "husband."  It makes me more tolerant of others when they call me "he."

One thing a friend of mine volunteered to do is give me $5 whenever she called me "he" as a penalty.  Over the years, I've made $15 that way and we both grin, turning something negative into something funny.

Teri Anne

[AmyNYC]

One thing a friend of mine volunteered to do is give me $5 whenever she called me "he" as a penalty. Over the years, I've made $15 that way and we both grin, turning something negative into something funny.

Teri Anne

I love that idea!  I think I'll start billing people 

Amy

[DawnL]

I try to be accepting of him because I did a big gender mistake once...

One thing a friend of mine volunteered to do is give me $5 whenever she called me "he" as a penalty.  Over the years, I've made $15 that way and we both grin, turning something negative into something funny. 

I too made a gender mistake and I felt awful afterwards.  I--of all people--should've known better but I also recognized my error occurred because I hadn't fully put this person in the female gender file in my head.  It gave me some appreciation of how hard it is to do.

This gender change looks and feel like one thing to us, but it's hard to imagine what others think or feel.  I play a mental game sometimes to keep my perspective.  I try to imagine one of the guys in the neighborhood doing what I've done--a full transition--and find it is difficult to impossible to imagine.  It's just too absurd!  I also forget that I concealed my dysphoria well and that a number of people have said to me, "you are that LAST person I ever imagined switching gender" (or words to that effect).  Evidently that makes it even more difficult to make that mental gender change.

The money idea is interesting...I could probably give up my day job 

Dawn

[Sara]

It sounds like a good case of sexual discrimination. I wouldnt tolerate that kind of behavour, not ever. Would he call his male collegues a she in front of clients, I bet the guys would be more than a little bemused.
Sara.

[Teri Anne]

In my defense, when I called a M2F "he," she wasn't in the same room as me -- I didn't have her present as a visual cue.  What I find astounding is when I am wearing a dress and makeup and get called a "he" by my boss.  It's bizarre.  I know he's religious and conservative and so these things may play into his, er, confusion.

I mentioned that I charge my friend $5 whenever she calls me "he."  Just yesterday, she decided to institute a new policy -- if she sees me at her house or at a movie and I'm not wearing earings, I owe her $5.  I can wear pants but she wants me to stop being lazy about being a bit femme.

Life's a bitch.

Teri Anne