Sex and being FTM

[PrincePickles]

Hi all, this is a problem that's been plaguing me for a while now and despite all I've sort of gathered from various sources, I still feel frustrated and figured it would benefit to just have my question answered directly.

I am a pre-T, pre top-surgery transman in my early 20s in my first post-coming out relationship with a woman who I've been with for about a year (having been friends for a year before that.) Prior to that I had been in relationships with men, all of which were very heteronormative (none knew I was LGBT and all would have been disgusted to find out) and very unsatisfying. In these relationships I was pressured constantly to have sex by my partners which ended up with me on the receiving end of penetrative sex that I was not comfortable with (and certainly not satisfied by- I'd never once had an orgasm during sex) very frequently. This anxiety and fear of sex leftover from my past heterosexual relationships coupled with my transsexuality (which is not at all helped by the fact that my antidepressants kill my sex drive) has basically put a stop to any sexual relationship I had with my girlfriend. This, with time, has become increasingly more frustrating for both me and my girlfriend.

I find when I'm in the bedroom, there's this great fear and anxiety to perform that not just distracts me from the moment, but kills my libido. I have only been with men as a "female" participant of sex and find that my dysmorphia is easily triggered when my breasts/genitals are fondled. My girlfriend has been very open to trying out various things like strapons yet I am too anxious about my role as a participant in sex as a transman (What do I do? How do I avoid becoming dysmorphic? etc..) to even get to the point of penetrative sex. I've been looking into the peecock as I really like the idea of not having to mess with much ->-bleeped-<- (makes me too aware of my nads) but that would really only be one step in the solution. 

Any and all help about how other transmen have found comfortable/enjoyable ways to appreciate sex would be much appreciated!

[chuck]

hey
i think this is something that most of us struggle with. I think that finding some time to explore your body is one of the best things you can do. And keep in mind that antidepressents are terrible for your sex drive and for me I would chalk 70 percent of my low libido to anti depressents.

So there are some ways that you an approach sex mentlaly.  Ive done both, but for me, surgery was the main cure all for my anxiety.

#1 - deny deny deny - reprogram your brain. Your clit is your penis. NO. IT IS your penis. It is your small penis and strangely enough your urethra is in a much lower spot than most guys.

#2 - Enjoy what you have. Try to think of it like this - your body has nothing to do with beign a guy. What if you lived in the future and your body got blown up in some intergallactic war against men. The only option was to put your brain in a female body. If that happened, would you deny all the good feelings related to sex just because  it happens to be 'female'.

Also when you get on testosterone you probably wont even remember what 'no sex drive' was like. Seriously, sex takes so much of my life, I wish it would settle down. My girlfriend is like "babe its 4pm maybe we should get out of bed and have a snack" Any way, i think the bottom line is to give it a ton of time and try to keep sex really open and honest. 

[Kreuzfidel]

Although I'm not pre-T, I have enormous dysphoria surrounding my body and although I can appreciate what Chuck is saying, I can't accept my "bits".  I don't know if his thoughts may resonate with you more, though.

I was once a pre-T guy like you - my first sexual experience with a female was with my wife (who I am still with) when I was pre-T.  I did not allow her to see nor touch my chest naked - I wore a binder during sex.  I used (and still use) a strap-on prosthetic to penetrate her and she is not allowed to see nor touch my "bits" downstairs.  She is okay with this and we have a fairly satisfying sex life.

I don't think that you have to necessarily allow your partner to touch your breasts or your "bits" in order for you to feel good.  There are strap-ons that are designed to stimulate your private areas in a variety of ways - the Peecock is a good one.  You don't have to see or touch your own body with a strap-on - nor does your partner.  There are a number of ways to enjoy sex without having to be touched in places you don't want to be touched.  I would suggest looking at the strap-on options you have to start - then later you may find other ways to enjoy it. 

As for the pressure of performance, that is a guy thing in general.  Even cis guys experience it.  Once you find your feet - you'll be find. 

The first time I penetrated my wife with my prosthesis, it was fantastic.  It's not ideal to not have a functioning penis for me, but it's close enough and it allows me to be comfortable during sex.  I can't be comfortable if she were to see or touch me in places that trigger my dysphoria, so it defeats the purpose of sex for me.  I'm having top surgery in a few months, so that will improve a lot in the way of being able to remove my binder during sex.  I may even opt for the (pricey) ReelMagik glue-on prosthetic penis which would then allow me to be totally naked during sex for the first time in my life.

[aleon515]

I was more like you at one time. I think my sex drive is strong enough, that it just outweighs a lot of other stuff. I have started declaring a truce on the "mancave, mangina" thing even. It feels good so... I think the other wild thing, that if you are on T your junk grows. If you look at it, it really does look like a dick. Ok it's little, but it still works.

--Jay

[Mosaic dude]

Maybe you can try different meds?  I gotta say, for me a large part of success in the bedroom comes down to getting horny enough to override the dysphoria.   As has been said upthread, T will tend to sort that out for you.

The other thing that really worked for me was coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am having sex in a female body.  Now obviously that's easy to say, but not so easy to do.  I think we all have to come to terms with things in our own way.  Try concentrating on your partner as much as possible, that's always the best distraction.   And have you tried doing things that don't involve your genitalia?

[randomroads]

Honestly? I feel the same as far as 'performance anxiety' goes. I'm in a generally stable marriage with a cis gendered straight man, and vaginal penetration has become something scary after a few painful tries. I don't think the pain had anything to do with transitioning, since it's been something I've dealt with since I became sexually active. It was just a perfect storm of fear/anxiety, pain, and hatred of the idea of being penetrated in a vagina, which men should not have that has turned me off to it.

Now we're still sexually active, but it's different. I'm penetrating him, and I feel incredibly awkward and humiliated by the idea of strapping it on and doing my thing, even if I enjoy the act once I can get past the negative stuff. I've found that blind folding him helps me, because I know he can't see me at all. Other than that it's just something I have to push through, even if it's emotionally painful. I'm unhappy to report that we spend a lot of time making out, getting frustrated, and then separating to take care of ourselves solo.

[Chaos]

The one bad side effect is uncertainty.For me its been VERY different.There is this large amount of confidence and certainty that i am who i am (now that is).Many factors can play a role though from our past,in how we see our selves.I always had very low self esteem and even though i spent a life time confused and lost before i knew i was trans,it still hindered ALOT of things for me.Even now,i have gained commitment issues because of these things.But that is a completely different side which falls under trust issues.With my self esteem,uncertainty in my self was part of the issue,because of not knowing and being confused.But when i made love to my ex girlfriend and while using a strap on,i was any normal male.I was very active,had no issues with positions or having the light on and being buke naked.As if my mind its self knew who i was before i did.Sure i had been with men after and still not knowing,when i was with a male,i was the same as you.confidence sunk through the floor,had no interest,and since i was 17 (was 29 or so by this time) i have NEVER had an orgasim while with a male.ever but my ex gf was a completely different story.Still not knowing,it was as if i was uncomfortable in the position i was put in with a male and when that changed,so did the drive.I cant even think of a male sexually without losing all interest and sex drive.I really think that the past males you have been with,may have caused a conflict and you are unsure of your role now.SO when that time comes,there is this battle that takes place between the two and it causes anxiety.i was never the submissive type myself and when with a male,i used to feel idk--the lesser being and it made me feel like crap (besides the fact it was always wham bam and ty) i suggest trying to take back your confidence and whatever place YOU feel comfortable in.take time to explore,ignore the fear and anxiety just long enough to practice (alone if you have to) and rebuild yourself.Thats my personally feelings and i hope all works out for you