My wife likes to make things difficult

[wolfduality]

I love the woman with all my heart. She's been my soul-mate since forever despite our arguments and occasional cold shoulder stand-offs. However, she's got one quirk that drives up the bloody wall everytime it comes up and it comes up quite often! She refuses to ask people things. Directions, advice, to hang out, for permission, anything that has to do with actually asking SOMETHING will have her snapping her jaw shut and making a disgruntled expression on her face or being snippy that I won't do it for her.

I'm sorry, but I came from a household that if you had a middle man go ask for something on your behalf, you would NOT get it or would be told a flat out "S/he can ask me, I'm not going to listen to her/his messenger." With few exceptions, like if you were physically incapacitated or y'know DEAD. So this usually results in me being frustrated as my plans have to suddenly come to screeching halt or get cancelled all together because she wouldn't ask/do what needed to be done.

I don't know WHAT her issue is about this. She doesn't explain anything, just makes a BS excuse about how she can't do it or pulling the "you're the man of the house, you deal with it" card which makes me just throw up my hands in disgust because it's not my responsibility to do it especially when it has nothing to do with me. It just comes off as laziness or just not really being interested in actually accomplishing anything. Not even "natural consequences" doing anything, such as taking too long to call someone about a party causes her to miss out but she doesn't care or refusing make a return on an ill-fitting item because she won't contact the seller about returns will not phase her.

I just don't know what to do with her. I'm not her parent or her legal guardian, she's older than me, she's lived on her own before being with me, so it makes no sense how she managed to get through life this long without really being is disarray 24-7. Sometimes, I wish I could just trade one of my talents just so she would no longer have this "quirk". Is it too much to ask that she takes care of her own stuff without me being her dang secretary?

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, I have to ask, how many of these things she doesn't do would affect you directly? If they affect you directly, you may have to take it on just to protect your own interests...but if they only affect her, and not you, maybe throw her to the wolves a bit? Let her suffer the consequences of not getting things done. Then she might learn why they are important.

Just a thought.

[Jess42]

I'm a lot like your wife. I really can't explain why and your wife probably can't either. Was your wife an only child? I was and it might be that I never really had to speak up when I wanted something because there was no "battling" for superiority with siblings going on.

[JoanneB]

I guess in some ways I am like your wife. It is nearly impossible for me to ask for help of any kind for anything. A large part is self-esteem issues, being a failure, not able to do something or know something. Another is or was the "real men don't....." aspect

[ford]

I can relate to your wife as well. For me at least, the problem is social anxiety. Often the consequences of not asking for help seem less dire than having to interact with others. Silly, but there it is.

I can work through it, but it requires a lot of patience on my husband's part. When he gets adamant that I go talk to someone about something, it makes me want to do it less. Gentle coaxing and the occasional 'let's do this together' work a lot better. Sometime there are really rough days where I can't even bring myself to say, order food at a counter or something. On those days my husband will just quietly take over and do it for me. He knows it's something I'm working on.

I hope you and your wife can find a way to communicate your feelings to resolve this problem. I doubt she means specifically to make your life difficult, but I can see how frustrating her behavior must be!

[wolfduality]

Since I can't really quote multiple people well, I'll just kinda bullet some things.

My wife isn't an only child, she has brother that she is literally almost a year in age apart from. With her being the older of two and she's said before that once her brother was born, she often was put into the "backseat" having to deal with things herself while her brother often gotten most of the attention. She has a bit of sibling rivalry issues, as do I but whereas I just avoid my own brother like the plague, she seeks hers out to confront him about stuff both serious and trivial. (To pick fights or get into arguments.) This isn't a jab at her, she's just not an only child and she's obviously had attention issues in the past.

It's entirely possible she might have her own social anxieties. I won't lie, I'm not a people person at all and even being grazed by someone passing to close to me causes me to flinch away. I don't like dealing with people in real life as I seem to be an idiot on gauging emotions or tend to ramble over my point. So neither of us like dealing with people, but I'm often forced to put my discomfort aside or NOTHING gets done. There's old debts from her past that she knows little about because she never bothered to talk to the people, but I can't deal with them because they were "debts beyond my time with the debtor" unless I pay up myself.

If it really involves me, I'm happy to take the reins. If it will affect me or the family, I will take on the challenge. However, when it doesn't, I usually just don't do it and let the "natural consequences" take over. (Within reason.) It just frustrates me to no end as I take the brunt of any social repercussions of her never asking/talking to people about things and constantly shrugging my shoulders or just telling them "Oh well, guess she didn't want to do it". She will sometimes even go out of her way to make plans and then when it comes time to confirming location/time, tell me to do it for her even if it's just for her.

I'm learning patience but it doesn't still frustrate me as she never gives me a reason or asks me to do it for her. Just tells me to do it or just stomps around the house expecting me to know what's wrong.