How to move forward?

[Eltariel]

I came out as MtF to my wife just over a year ago when she finally pulled me up about having been depressed and hard to live with for so long. Problem is, I wasn't really ready for it, and hadn't worked out what I actually need to do with myself, and although she's been very supportive and understanding, there's also a lot of uncertainty in her, and she deals with that by trying to be in charge of everything - including my life.

So over the last year, I've been cross dressing at home a lot, and it seems I'm a much more pleasant person to be around when I'm in girl-mode - even if it is just with hand-me-downs from my wife. I've been to a psychiatrist a number of times, and he's seemingly just as convinced as I am that I should be a woman. The only reason he didn't send me off to the endoc was that my wife was making me choose between living as a woman or living with my loved ones, and I couldn't make that decision.

Since then, I've made my decision. I can't pretend to be this man anymore. It seems that every day another milestone has passed and I'm still in a holding pattern waiting for the acceptance of my true love, my best friend, my wife. I know it's hard on her having to deal with me, but I've gotten to the point where I need to do something. Soon.

I'm prepared to deal with the consequences, good or bad; I have the courage for that. What I am scared of though is how on earth I'm going to tell her that I need to transition? I'm stuck and I don't know where to go from here   

[Eltariel]

You know what? I think I'm just going to tell her tonight. I'm pretty sure I've worked up enough courage to just say it and deal with the consequences.

Wish me luck!

(so scared right now)

[Cindy]

Hi

This journey tends to be one of facing fear, sometimes are worsed outcomes don't happen, sometimes they do.

You have to at some point think about you and your family. If your dysphoria is reaching points were you can no longer function you have to move forward.

Many people here have lost family some have retained them, In my case I'm still happily married but I'm in an unusual circumstance.

In many cases children seem to accept their mumdad a lot easier than your wife can, and that is totally understandable. In most instances our wives thought they were marrying a man they loved, sadly as so many of us now know, they were marrying a woman who was trying to be a man.

Good Luck Honey,

Let us know how it goes we are her for you

Cindy

[Eltariel]

Well... That could have gone worse.

I said my piece, and she listened. She knew what I was going to say, but she still can't come to terms with me like this. After I finished, she got up and quietly left the room. I got a text message from her not long afterwards saying she can't talk about it now and she needs more time.

I don't want to go on without her, but if she won't come with me through this then it's probably better for all of us if we part. I love her too much to make her live with me the way I am right now.

[Aina]

Incredibly brave of you Eltariel, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you, good luck on your journey and hope you find the peace you seek.

[Ltl89]

I'm proud of you for working up the courage and moving forward.  It isn't easy and you just overcame a major challenge.  As for what happens next, please remember that everyone on this forum is here for you no matter what. 

[Terri]

I wish you courage, strength and send prayers.  You should be proud for having said what you said.

[Eltariel]

What a difference a night's sleep makes!

My wife came to me this morning and told me that she loves me no matter what I end up being. She said she's been expecting this talk to come, but that she was never going to be ready for it, but she is going to come with me on this ride as far as she is able, and can't bear the thought of losing me.

Sure, it's not all going to be easy, but at least we can move forward together. Now we just have to work out the logistics of my transition... we're in for one hell of an adventure now

[Terri]

Is there a "like" button around here somewhere?

[Jamie D]

Well... That could have gone worse.

I said my piece, and she listened. She knew what I was going to say, but she still can't come to terms with me like this. After I finished, she got up and quietly left the room. I got a text message from her not long afterwards saying she can't talk about it now and she needs more time.

I don't want to go on without her, but if she won't come with me through this then it's probably better for all of us if we part. I love her too much to make her live with me the way I am right now.

Keep the lines of communication open.  She will need time to grieve, because, from her perspective, she is losing a husband.  Tell her how much she means to you.

[Jamie D]

Is there a "like" button around here somewhere?

When you get 50 posts.  But saying it is almost as good.

[JoanneB]

I've been through a similar struggle for years with my wife. Fortunately(?) much of it was was taking place during a long distance marriage since I was working and living out of state. Over time she saw many of the benefits of the personal growth I was going through.

In my TG group is a fantastic chef and part-time poetess who is married and transitioned several years ago. During her journey of self discovery she and her wife had had many up's and down's. Much of the emotion was captured in the following poem, posted here on Susan's https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,143.0.html .

I can't help crying every time I read it

[franie]

It has been years in the making my wife  has finally come to terms with it (most of the time)we still love each other. She is not a lesbian. My step daughter her daughter who I would have thought would have been  the last person to accept me has , we have fun shopping to gather and talking girl talk.She is a great help t with makeup and  clothes . So just keep a positive out look and remember we are your friends.   

[Shantel]

Eltariel,
       You are so lucky to have her, you didn't give us your age but I'm assuming that you are both young yet. I was in my 50's when I got started and because of age and years together never really finished, though she is extremely supportive. I attribute that to love, mutual commitment and above all lots and lots of long conversations.

[Eltariel]

Thank you all for the support and positive thoughts.

We've had a brief discussion about what I need to do and how we're going to get there together. I know it's early days yet, but it really feels like she's with me almost 100% now. Just getting to this point is a major victory for me - I'm usually terrible at communication because I overthink everything so much that I can never get the words out, and it gets extremely difficult to find time to have a serious conversation with the kids around

You are so lucky to have her, you didn't give us your age but I'm assuming that you are both young yet.

thanks Shantel, at the moment I feel like one of the luckiest girls alive I wouldn't say that we're young by any means - I've just turned 30 and she's a year older so we've hopefully got a long life together!

[Shantel]

I'm usually terrible at communication because I overthink everything so much that I can never get the words out, and it gets extremely difficult to find time to have a serious conversation with the kids around

Hah, don't I know about kids, it's even hard to have intimacy knowing they are outside the door listening or will walk in at any moment. Thankfully we are well past that phase here. Work on your communication together, it is extremely important for a cis woman to be on board she has to be kept abreast, and you also have to become a very good listener and listen with your heart to her. This is a good skill for any trans woman to work on, it comes natural to cis females, but all too often we bring a lot of former male attitude into conversation and listen with deaf ears until all we hear is blah, blah, blah and act like an arctic river, frozen at the mouth. Cis women need us to be emotionally available, which includes being conversant, if we expect them to be responsive to us.

thanks Shantel, at the moment I feel like one of the luckiest girls alive I wouldn't say that we're young by any means - I've just turned 30 and she's a year older so we've hopefully got a long life together!

You're still young, just entering the second quarter of your lives, my spouse and I are in the last quarter of ours and relishing every minute of it. My best wishes for you both, you will do fine!