So a couple of weeks ago I came out to my mom. She is nearly 70 years old, and not in the best of health. She is close to my soon-to-be-ex-wife, and I wanted her to know why we were divorcing so she did not think any less of anyone - especially my ex, who I still have feelings for, and respect immensely. She is a big worrier, and I just wanted to make sure she knew exactly what was going on and why.
Anyway, I told her I have felt this way since I was a child, and things like substance abuse earlier in my life, as well as some reckless behavior last year were connected to my feelings toward myself. However, I reiterated nobody is to blame, and my coming out has actually given me a freedom I have never had. It is the first time in my life I feel good about being me. It was a tough discussion.
In the end she cried and said how very sorry she was that I have had to live with this my entire life. She said she wish she had known when I was a child so she could help me out at that time. I shared that while I am attracted to women, and in love with my wife, that my wife is not a lesbian and decided we would have to be friends. In the end my mom said she loved me very much, and would support me in my journey whatever that may be. She said a mother loves her child, and that she would not wish me to be in pain. We both cried some more, and then she actually said that she had always wanted another daughter, and that my sister was disappointed when they brought a boy home when I was born.
So tonight I was talking to her on the phone, and we were discussing me seeing my endo in a few weeks, and starting on HRT and how I will come out to the rest of the family once the effects begin to occur. I have not come out to my dad, yet. They are not married, and have been apart over 35 years. I told her my dad probably thought I was gay with the way I have been dressing...and at this my mom paused slightly in the conversation, and then without skipping a beat said, "Well, really you are. You're a closet lesbian." At which point I had to acknowledge that "Yes, I guess I am!" and then we both laughed pretty hard. It was really cool, and made me love my mom all the more.
Anyway, that's all I want to share. I wish she were in better health, but I am so glad I can share this moment in time with my mom before she passes. It is special, and something I deeply cherish.
Toni
