Choosing a name

[Mattfromengland]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone else is having a hard time choosing a name? I think you just kind of become your name (to quote Shakespeare, a rose by any other name, type thing), so to all of a sudden change it feels a little strange.

I have been going by Steve, and my birth name (current name) begins with S and I wanted to keep that so at least my initials would be the same.

Anyway, my questions are

1. How many of you found a name that just fitted right away, and how many found it hard?

2. If you found it hard or odd to change your name did you get used to it over time. As in did you grow into it?


I have been using Steve for a few months now, but my boyfriend (who I'll be staying with as I'm gay and he's bi so it works out ok for us) doesn't like it as his brother is called Steve. I can understand this, but now I don't know what to do.

I am not out apart from to a handful of people, but I am a month into my 3 months of counselling/psychotherapy and am seeing the specialist the week after next. So I'm hoping to start T sometime before Christmas (hopefully closer to the end of Oct). I know you need to do 1 year RLE before chest surgery so I kind of want to make these decisions fairly quickly so I can officially change my name.

Thanks,

Steve (or maybe not!!!!!)

[Mattfromengland]

Yes, I have started looking at names other than S, but I actually find it quite stressful. I really don't know. Hence why I wondered if that was normal. I think it's fun to be able to choose your name, but for some reason I'm finding it hard!

I wish I'd been given a name that was easily changed to a male name, that would be easier. Although I can Also see the benefit of something completely different making it all a new start.

Agggggggg.....lol

[Mattfromengland]

Yeah I guess so. It needs time. It was only today that my BF really made his feelings clear, so it's early days for trying to now get used to something different again.

The other thing is my Mum's ex husband (and so also the father of my two half sisters) was called Steve. I hadn't thought of that either until I told my parents that was the name I was thinking of. That was a long time ago now, so my Mum says she's fine with the name, but I'm not out to my sisters yet.

I think the other problem could be to do with being older, I'm 39. When I was younger I hated my girly name of course, but now it just seems like me. So given the choice I'd keep it, but can't as it's too girly.

[MariaMx]

I'm not ftm but I think this works the same both ways, so here goes...

Of course it's hard to choose a name for yourself I mean, who ever have experience in doing that? I remember the years leading up to my transition I was thinking about all sort of names, and to be honest, some of the candidate names weren't all that good.

I think that when we choose our own name we tend to pick a name that symbolizes something we identify with. In my case it was the feminine, so I was dreaming up all these names that I thought were ultra feminine. Sometimes I couldn't decide between two I really likes, so I tried them as a combo. Not always a good idea.

When it came time to pick a name I chucked them all and picked my female version of my former name. It took me 10 seconds to come up with it and decide. Since I put so little thought into it and kept it highly similar to my birth name it doesn't really feel like I named myself but rather that my parents did it for me.

I like my name, but I was never in love with it and I had no previous attachment to it. As it turns out it fits me rather well so I'm very happy with it.

[Mattfromengland]

Maybe you can work with it? I had a teacher who's name was Tracy. And he got teased even in class but he worked with it. If anyone gives you crap, just be like "so what?" If you like your name why should you try and change yourself so other people aren't bothered by it? I just think if you embrace the name you shouldn't feel pressured into changing it.

Hmmm, good idea, but I'm not so keen on that one    I do know a male Stacey however (no that's not me!). No one would argue with him, he was huge, a bouncer and a bit rough!!!

[spacerace]

1. How many of you found a name that just fitted right away, and how many found it hard?

2. If you found it hard or odd to change your name did you get used to it over time. As in did you grow into it?

1. It took me awhile - I kept thinking of name I liked, and then I would remember someone I knew at some point that had that name and reject it based on that. After doing that for a bit and not finding anything, I thought I wanted to use a male version of my female name - but then that didn't work out because it kept reminding me of the old name whenever I would think about it. I also didn't want people to say something like (not my old name) Samantha is now Samuel ! or anything like that.

I eventually picked something in a sort of a random way after months of deliberation, and it worked out.

2. I don't enforce the name switch with the only people I interact with (they just call me the old name nickname that is gender neutral), but I like seeing it on my accounts and such - I think I will get used to it more when I start making other people use it. I do think of myself that way now in my own internal monologue, so that is something.

[YBtheOutlaw]

in that case, i feel a bit lucky cos my birth name is kinda andro, like there are both boys and girls by that name. so i'd be able to use the same name even if i go for transitioning, and if it still feels girlish, all i have to do is dropping two letters from the end of my name. i'm planning to dump my middle name altogether though. actually i don't think it'll be easy to get used to a totally new name. it might feel weird and you might not even respond quickly when ppl call you. i think its better to remodel your birth name into a male name or find a name that goes close to it. if you are used to being called as steve already, make it stephan or stuart or something like that. i'm just suggesting you know, the decision is yours. after all, its your name

[Mattfromengland]

I'm not ftm but I think this works the same both ways, so here goes...

Of course it's hard to choose a name for yourself I mean, who ever have experience in doing that? I remember the years leading up to my transition I was thinking about all sort of names, and to be honest, some of the candidate names weren't all that good.

I think that when we choose our own name we tend to pick a name that symbolizes something we identify with. In my case it was the feminine, so I was dreaming up all these names that I thought were ultra feminine. Sometimes I couldn't decide between two I really likes, so I tried them as a combo. Not always a good idea.

When it came time to pick a name I chucked them all and picked my female version of my former name. It took me 10 seconds to come up with it and decide. Since I put so little thought into it and kept it highly similar to my birth name it doesn't really feel like I named myself but rather that my parents did it for me.

I like my name, but I was never in love with it and I had no previous attachment to it. As it turns out it fits me rather well so I'm very happy with it.

Hey Maria, thanks for your thoughts on this. Glad I'm not the only one. I just wonder if it actually doesn't matter at all what we pick as in the end the name would just become us, just as our birth names can do.

Interesting thoughts on how your name still feels like your parents picked it. I can really see how that is a good thing. I thought of the name they would have called me if I had been a boy, but I don't really like it. Sigh!!!

Yes I also agree that if we pick a name once we are an adult we can pick a name that suits us in some way.

Jeese it's hard!!!! lol

I think it's harder than the decision to transition in the first place, and that's saying something as I've spent all my life telling myself I will never, ever, ever tell anyone or act on this. I just kind of reached a point where I thought I have to live my life for me rather than worrying about what others think.

[Mattfromengland]

1. It took me awhile - I kept thinking of name I liked, and then I would remember someone I knew at some point that had that name and reject it based on that. After doing that for a bit and not finding anything, I thought I wanted to use a male version of my female name - but then that didn't work out because it kept reminding me of the old name whenever I would think about it. I also didn't want people to say something like (not my old name) Samantha is now Samuel ! or anything like that.

I eventually picked something in a sort of a random way after months of deliberation, and it worked out.

2. I don't enforce the name switch with the only people I interact with (they just call me the old name nickname that is gender neutral), but I like seeing it on my accounts and such - I think I will get used to it more when I start making other people use it. I do think of myself that way now in my own internal monologue, so that is something.

Yes thinking of people I know with a name keeps happening to me too. Which is mad as we all know lots of people so most names we think of will be someone else's name too.

Just goes to show how a name becomes us and not the other way round though. If you like a person, then you like their name and vice versa.

Yes, I don't feel I would need to enforce people around me to use my new name, I don't actually care what people call me, that's very superficial to my body being what I want it to be. I feel like I want them to feel comfortable and wait until T has kicked in enough that it would seem odd to call me by my original girly name.

However, I can also see the point in enforcing it sooner as if you leave it down to the people around them, think how uncomfortable they will then feel when they do make the switch. It will be their 'move' if you like. So to make it your decision and to just tell them that's what you like I feel would be easier for the people around you.

[Mattfromengland]

in that case, i feel a bit lucky cos my birth name is kinda andro, like there are both boys and girls by that name. so i'd be able to use the same name even if i go for transitioning, and if it still feels girlish, all i have to do is dropping two letters from the end of my name. i'm planning to dump my middle name altogether though. actually i don't think it'll be easy to get used to a totally new name. it might feel weird and you might not even respond quickly when ppl call you. i think its better to remodel your birth name into a male name or find a name that goes close to it. if you are used to being called as steve already, make it stephan or stuart or something like that. i'm just suggesting you know, the decision is yours. after all, its your name

Yep, I'd love to be in that position

Although, maybe starting completely afresh is also a good thing. You have the choice either way, so you're lucky.

[Mattfromengland]

I think from what you have posted, starting fresh sounds like a really wonderful idea for you. And from what I've read on this posting it seems like you've just been very scared for a long time about how people would react in general because you said you're just going to live for yourself from now on. So I think that can manifest itself in choosing a name as well. Don't be scared to choose a completely random name. If it's going to make you happy, screw everything else. It is YOUR life. Live it how you want. And if you want to be Adam, James, Ryan, etc. Be that person! Those who love you will continue to love you and will be happy to see you happy.

Thanks Nick, you just put a smile on my face. I feel there's a lot in what you've said there!!!  Thanks!!!

P.S. Can I change my name on this forum account or would I have to start afresh?

[Mattfromengland]

I'm glad! You need to be yourself. I know all of us waste too much time worrying about how everyone around us is going to react or how our decisions for ourselves are going to affect them. Even though really, it doesn't affect them a whole lot whether your name is this or that. I think moments like these we see who our true friends are and if the people are offended by your choices, then should they even be a part of your life?

Yes we do worry too much. That's what's kept me hidden for decades. Although I'm only out to a few people at the mo, I feel so much better. That and the fact that my counsellor is great. I've only had 2 sessions with him, but he changed my way of thinking, in a good way, right from the first session. Having seen many people like this for various things in my life I had not yet come across one who could actually help or male a difference to my life, so I'm really happy. I know he will also guide and help me through any difficult times, so I'm ready for this now. BRING IT ON!!!!

As for people not being a part of my life, my BF is the one objecting and I can really see where he's coming from. He'd think of my name and thoughts of his brother would pop into his head. Not such a good thing. On other points he's been a life saver too. Up until recently when I sought help, he was the only person who knew I was trans, and has supported and helped me as a result. That's over the last 9 years. So if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have gone and sought help but kept it hidden even longer, or possibly for the rest of my life!!! So objecting to a name, when I can pick anything else seems like a small wish to me.

[MariaMx]

Hey Maria, thanks for your thoughts on this. Glad I'm not the only one. I just wonder if it actually doesn't matter at all what we pick as in the end the name would just become us, just as our birth names can do.

Right, that was my general thinking, and the way I did it the name didn't turn out to be an attribute of my personality. Rather the other way around.

Interesting thoughts on how your name still feels like your parents picked it. I can really see how that is a good thing. I thought of the name they would have called me if I had been a boy, but I don't really like it. Sigh!!!

I looked there too, but the name was totally unacceptable

Yes I also agree that if we pick a name once we are an adult we can pick a name that suits us in some way.

Yes, and this is just what I wanted to avoid. About a year before I got started I was watching the news one day and there was this story about a trans woman transitioning. She had chosen a name for herself, and it was the absolutely most ridiculous name I've ever heard. Totally 100% outrageous. It sounded like the name of the female protagonist in a satirical sci-fi sex novel. I won't repeat it here but I can come up with one similar and just as ridiculous: Beatrixina Chamonix Angeliniqa O'Harah. Yes indeed she did. Sometime later I saw a follow up story about her in a magazine and by then she had changed her name again, but this time to something a lot more normal and sober sounding    

Also, I've thought about getting a tattoo in the past, but I could never think of anything I felt so certain about that I could live with it painted on my skin for the rest of my life so I never got one. I think there's something  similar going on with the name. I guess we are afraid of picking something in the heat of the moment that we will regret later. When I started my transition I didn't know what kind of a woman I would become so it seemed very difficult to guess at what name would fit the person I would become. I could have chosen a frilly name for myself, but luckily I didn't.

[aleon515]

I went by my initials for about a year. I kind of came up with a name within that year. Our trans group encourages people to try out names. So I started in the group and went from there. Another thing that I did early on is order things in my name. It doesn't exactly get it flowing off the tip of your tongue. I know some people have had friends call them the name and see how it starts to sound.


--Jay

[sneakersjay]

Mine was easy; it was a name I liked in the 4th grade, and also happened to be pretty close to the male version of my given name.  I dislike the nickname that goes along with it, but it's a heck of a lot better than my given name (which I always hated). I also wanted to keep my initials, as I'm older as well and dislike change.  The name really fits.

So maybe start with a masculinized version of your current name, and go from there. there can be lots of variations with the letters; you can also pick Steve/Steven/Stephen if that's what you really want. Lots of people have the same name.  But then with your sig other you can go by whatever middle name you pick.  Conversely you could use Steve as your middle name.  I wouldn't discard a name because someone else doesn't like it.  It's YOUR name, not theirs.

[Mattfromengland]

Having looked through a few names Matthew, or Matt for short has kind of grown on me. What to people think of that one? I know you lot don't know me so it's kind of a silly question. However choosing such a well used name might not be so good. I don;t want anything obscure or that will seem old in another 30 or 40 years though, so I quite like that.

Matt

(signing off as Matt, so see how it feels )

[MariaMx]

Matt is great. I like it

[Liminal Stranger]

I've always really liked the name Max, the middle one I'm still debating but i think that I've found one I really like now. It took me a bit to think that I should actually use it, including it jumping out at me on lists of names. At first I was apprehensive and worried that it might not be the right choice for me, but as I had people use it in my daily life it helped me realize that those worries had no basis in anything, and even began automatically looking up whenever I heard it (or thought I did, kind of bad if people are debating over Mac vs. PC) within a matter of a week. Took me a very long time to start responding to my old name, and even then half the time I wouldn't even notice if people were calling me.

When I first picked it, I was shy about telling people, though once I did it got a whole lot easier. It's good if you can have one or two trusted friends help you out on that, and if you decide you need to go back to the drawing board, then they can maybe lend a hand in picking one. Good luck, Matt!

(By the way, I think that's a great name. It's one of the ones I considered, and I have a couple of friends with that given name who wouldn't change it for anything, All up to you, though.)

[Mattfromengland]

Having looked through a few names Matthew, or Matt for short has kind of grown on me. What to people think of that one? I know you lot don't know me so it's kind of a silly question. However choosing such a well used name might not be so good. I don;t want anything obscure or that will seem old in another 30 or 40 years though, so I quite like that.

Matt

(signing off as Matt, so see how it feels )

I've managed to change my nickname to Matt, but can't change my actual username. Anyone know if this is possible or would I need to re-register under a new name? Just wondering if a moderator could do it?

Not wanting to do it yet though, as I could possible work my way through a few names before deciding. Although I think I quite like Matt

[Mattfromengland]

Matt is great. I like it

Thanks Maria