Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.

[Ltl89]

I'm honestly at a standstill.  I no longer know what to do.  No matter how hard I try, I don't get offered jobs.  Recently, I have gone on a few interviews, and I have one tomorrow, but no one wants to hire me at all.  It's been almost a year since I've had work, and I don't know what else to do.  Honestly, I have applied to over 1,000 jobs and no one wants me.  And none of my interviews have gone well or at least helped me secure a position.  The only opportunity I have available to me is a temp job that will last for about 2 months, but it hasn't started yet and I'm don't know if I can really place two months on my resume.  While there may be a chance for me to be move to another practice that is affiliated with them, I'm doubtful.  I no longer know what to do.  I just can't take having nothing anymore.  I've tried everything and no one wants me.  Not even jobs for children and I have a college degree with multiple honors, recommendations from politicians and plenty of academic awards.  All of my former background and so called contacts aren't able to help me nd no one is willing to give me a chance.  Believe me, I've tried everything I can.  I've worked so hard to get somewhere, and I got nowhere as a result.  At this point, its hard to feel like anything other than a severe loser.  I hate admitting that I have suicidal thoughts as I'm always trying to help others, but I do.  I'm no stronger than anyone else.  I'm a total fraud.  And I have to admit sometimes I write things to cheer people up knowing that these positive happy thoughts can't be applied to myself and it hurts.  Others will find a better tomorrow, so please don't see my post as validation that life sucks cause it can and will get better for you, but I'm doubtful it ever will for me.  Simply put, I'm not good enough and lack potential like others do.  I'm not going to do any rash and hurt myself as I know that's wrong, but I honestly don't see the point in sticking around sometimes.  It's just a repeat of a negative on going story.  Even though I know it's not the right way to feel and won't implement it, I can't help but feel how nice it would be to go to sleep without ever waking up again and dealing with the emotional pain. If I can't get a job at a minimum wage retail store, I won't get anything.  Besides the finance fear, it's the sheer fact that I have nothing going on and have had nothing going for me in such a long time.  I'm completely useless and I suck at everythin.  I really don't have a life.  And while transitioning is great, sometimes I wonder if it will only make me more of a social reject.  sure, I may feel better about myself, but it gives others another reason to put me down or reject me. Let's be honest, transitioining can make it harder to fit in. And I'm tired of all the rejection, aimlessness, loneliness.  I don't want to be a loser anymore.  And I tried talking to my family tonight and they only got mad at me for crying.  I pretty much got mocked for crying and kicked out my living room.  I asked a family member for a hug and all I got was anger for asking while crying.  I understand people get confused and scared when they don't know how to react and help, but christ how about a little compassion.  And I don't want to bother my friends with this stuff.  So, I'm sorry for getting it out here, but I don't know where to go or what to do.  I just had to get it out somewhere. 

P.S.  Again, I don't want others here to take my grief as a sign that your life can't improve.  Believe me, many of you are wonderful people with much potential and a lot to look forward to.  My story is different and should not be seen as a validation for negative thoughts or beliefs.  I've tried all the roads and done what I could to better myself, and the roads have all led to failure.  I'm different than you so please don't use my post as validation for suicidal intentions or negative thinking. 

[Heather]

I hate admitting that I have suicidal thoughts as I'm always trying to help others, but I do.  I'm no stronger than anyone else.  I'm a total fraud.  And I have to admit sometimes I write things to cheer people up knowing that these positive happy thoughts can't be applied to myself and it hurts.

LTL I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You try to cheer up other people despite all the hardships you are going through at this time. I personally think you have a lot of strength and are a good person.
I don't think your alone in having suicidal thoughts I think most people have them at some point in their life. And especially people who are transitioning their is a lot of fear involved in transitioning from will how will everybody accept me to will anybody look at me and see a woman. And there is a huge difference in having suicidal thoughts and suicidal intentions. Just because you have a thought about something doesn't mean your actually suicidal. Now if you start writing out suicide notes or actually planning out your suicide then I suggest you seek help asap. But your just under a lot of stress right now and your body and mind are undergoing drastic changes right now from hrt. So it's perfectly understandable that you would have these thoughts.
Just don't let theses fears and doubts get to you. You will find a job someday and your life will move on all the work you have put in will pay off I assure you that. Your smart and your a good person as long as you keep a positive attitude you'll go far in life that I promise. So please don't call yourself a loser because your anything but a loser. 

[MadeleineG]

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these challenges. And frankly shocked. You're brilliant, my dear! I'd say self-evidently if I didn't consider claims of self-evidence specious.

My advice, for what it's worth: forget the job market. The legal market is in the tank and civil service is an Oroboros you're better off avoiding. Apply for a nice fat grant, go back to school, do a PhD, and publish as if your life depended on it. That way, you delay your work search until much later in your transition and, assuming you can carve a salable niche, give yourself the freedom to go academic of practical.

Just a thought. Now where's my penny!!?

Maddy, who solved the job problem by moving where demand was high and supply was low: a small town on the frozen tundra with significant socioeconomic challenges.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Hotlines, girl, we need you around. You're at the beginning of your life, not the end. Hugs, Devlyn

[Phoenix_2812]

The title of this topic just about describes me to a 'T'. Although, my depression isn't considered severe, I have had random suicidal thoughts for some time. I've also been out of work for some time, more like 8 and a half years though. The government in the U.K. have been saying for years that there is a "hidden jobs market" out there. All they are saying is that you have to look deeper if you want to find jobs. They also say to try speculative applications in the hopes that someone is looking for people. The only problem there, is that pretty much all of the jobs available are advertised. I really hate it when people say "get a job", as if you can just go out and say "I want that job". It really pisses me off. Not only that, but the government are forever spending millions/billions on private companies that don't have the proper ability to get people into work. No wonder people go through depression when they're unemployed.

Chris

[Ciara]

Hi LTL,
You are not a loser.
You are not a fraud
You have lots of potential

I know that you are having a tough time right now. It happens to everyone at different times throughout our lives. But it will get better. Right now I too can do nothing right. Everything I touch goes pear shaped. But I know that it will get better.
Do you have any active hobbies that you can focus on? Hobbies an interests can be great to get you up and out and active. They also help you meet friends with similar interests AND they help your resume.

You are not a loser or a fraud. You are one of the most wonderful girls I have met on this forum.

Take care,
Love,
Ciara.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Welcome to my world, LTL.  I have not had work since last year, and I can not get a job ether.

I am a certified vet tech and even though the market is open, I can't get a break.

[Athena]

Heh LTL when I try to help talk people off the edge here on Susan's , I do so where the only thing I am really looking forward to is when I take my own life (my hope is that the person backs away from the edge safely ). You aren't a fraud for trying to help others.
As for the job situation take the 2 month job if you don't find anything else in the mean time, it seems to be easier to find work when you are already working. Taking that temp job means 2 months of working that's 1 step towards where you want to be.

[Ltl89]

Thanks for the replies everyone.  I will read them when I feel a little better.  So good news and bad news.

The good news is I had an interview this morning and it went well.  I have to wait a few weeks before I hear back, but I may have something.

The bad news is I'm still in a major funk.  I hate to admit this, but I feel it's better to get it out.  I spent a good portion of today looking up painless suicide methods and ways to end things peacefully.  I won't do it, but at the same time I just don't see a path forward in my life and sometimes the thought is a little "freeing".   Though, I acknowledge I'm in a irrational mind frame at the moment and that wouldn't be the right thing to do.  It's just something we all have to go through from time to time in order to reach better days.  My family has even caught on and they toned down their anger at me for being depressed and crying. They even seem concerned which surprised me because my mom seemed legitimately mad at me yesterday for crying and asking her for help and ashoulder to cry on. Though they left me home alone, so I doubt they are too worried.  In any event,  I'm just sort of in this horrible depressed funk and feel very physically sick as well.  But please don't be concerned, I will be okay even though I feeling down and depressed.  I'm just writing this to get my thoughts out there for therapeutic reasons.  I won't hurt myself and will continue to fight the long fight.  I just hope one day I will win.

*hugs* I'm really sorry you feel that way and I'm really sad you haven't found a job though you've been trying so hard... I wish your family would show understanding love and compassion and not add to your grief... They really have no right to mock you for being sad, that's just cruel... I really hope things turn out better for you soon. I hope you find a job soon!

They are good people.  My mom just doesn't know how to react in these situations as she feels helpless.  In turn that makes her angry and annoyed.  Though, she doesn't mean any ill will.

Actually, it's kinda hard to get such a job...they want really low-intelligence, nearly brain-dead people who are reasonably honest but not bright enough to question store policies.

I would suggest staying out of the for-profit market. In my experience....well, let's just say I am disgusted beyond belief at what passes for ethics in that career line.

In the past 25 years, I've only worked at not-for-profits and gov'ts...NFP's are generally more open to LGBT people (in fact, one was quite dominated by them) and gov'ts are required to use civil-service processes to hire people...and there is no significant discrimination...if you apply and score high enough (most people do), you take a written test...if you score in the top few percents (usually to give about 50-100 advanced applicants to the gov't), you go on to either/both a physical test and a panel interview, then (if you pass that) to a one-on-one interview.

That's when you get put into a "pool" of names based on all the scores; you may be #14 out of 40, for example. When a job opening happens, they just start calling...and believe it or not, sometimes they run out of names! So even if you're the last one on the list it doesn't mean you won't get offered the job. (It does take several months typically to get offered a job, assuming you passed everything. They will let you know one way or another)

And gov't jobs typically pay pretty well.  And they don't care about LGBT status, just that you're able to do the work.

Something to think about.

I've tried plenty of non profits, but I should try harder with government jobs.  Thanks for the tip.

LTL I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You try to cheer up other people despite all the hardships you are going through at this time. I personally think you have a lot of strength and are a good person.
I don't think your alone in having suicidal thoughts I think most people have them at some point in their life. And especially people who are transitioning their is a lot of fear involved in transitioning from will how will everybody accept me to will anybody look at me and see a woman. And there is a huge difference in having suicidal thoughts and suicidal intentions. Just because you have a thought about something doesn't mean your actually suicidal. Now if you start writing out suicide notes or actually planning out your suicide then I suggest you seek help asap. But your just under a lot of stress right now and your body and mind are undergoing drastic changes right now from hrt. So it's perfectly understandable that you would have these thoughts.
Just don't let theses fears and doubts get to you. You will find a job someday and your life will move on all the work you have put in will pay off I assure you that. Your smart and your a good person as long as you keep a positive attitude you'll go far in life that I promise. So please don't call yourself a loser because your anything but a loser. 

I appreciate your kind words Heather.  You're a good a person.  However, I really don't know if I can believe my life will improve and that I'm not a loser.  I believe you are very sincere in your words, but I don't know if I can believe that myself.

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these challenges. And frankly shocked. You're brilliant, my dear! I'd say self-evidently if I didn't consider claims of self-evidence specious.

My advice, for what it's worth: forget the job market. The legal market is in the tank and civil service is an Oroboros you're better off avoiding. Apply for a nice fat grant, go back to school, do a PhD, and publish as if your life depended on it. That way, you delay your work search until much later in your transition and, assuming you can carve a salable niche, give yourself the freedom to go academic of practical.

Just a thought. Now where's my penny!!?

Maddy, who solved the job problem by moving where demand was high and supply was low: a small town on the frozen tundra with significant socioeconomic challenges.

I do plan on going back to school, but I don't know what to do in the meantime.  I just feel lost and helpless.

Big hug! Hotlines, girl, we need you around. You're at the beginning of your life, not the end. Hugs, Devlyn

I agree.  It isn't the end.  I just don't know if it will ever really begin if that makes sense.

[Devlyn]

As they say, the longest journey starts with the first step. I think your funk is caused by the overwhelming task before you, but you can climb that hill. One tiny step at a time and you will reach the top. We'll walk with you. Hugs, Devlyn

[Ltl89]

The title of this topic just about describes me to a 'T'. Although, my depression isn't considered severe, I have had random suicidal thoughts for some time. I've also been out of work for some time, more like 8 and a half years though. The government in the U.K. have been saying for years that there is a "hidden jobs market" out there. All they are saying is that you have to look deeper if you want to find jobs. They also say to try speculative applications in the hopes that someone is looking for people. The only problem there, is that pretty much all of the jobs available are advertised. I really hate it when people say "get a job", as if you can just go out and say "I want that job". It really pisses me off. Not only that, but the government are forever spending millions/billions on private companies that don't have the proper ability to get people into work. No wonder people go through depression when they're unemployed.

Chris

I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. 

Hopefully, you will find something nice soon.

Hi LTL,
You are not a loser.
You are not a fraud
You have lots of potential

I know that you are having a tough time right now. It happens to everyone at different times throughout our lives. But it will get better. Right now I too can do nothing right. Everything I touch goes pear shaped. But I know that it will get better.
Do you have any active hobbies that you can focus on? Hobbies an interests can be great to get you up and out and active. They also help you meet friends with similar interests AND they help your resume.

You are not a loser or a fraud. You are one of the most wonderful girls I have met on this forum.

Take care,
Love,
Ciara.

Thank you for the kind words.  I do believe you are sincere, but as I said to Heather, those statements are something I can't accept myself.  There is too much uncertainty in life, and I see no sign that my life will improve.

I don't really have too many outdoor hobbies at the moment.  I used to do volunteer work, but I have stopped doing those things.  I just feel stuck.  And I do have great friends, but I fear I annoy them and try not to bother them as much as possible. 

Welcome to my work, LTL.  I have not had work since last year, and I can not get a job ether.

I am a certified vet tech and even though the market is open, I can get a break.

I'm very sorry you are going through the same thing.   

Heh LTL when I try to help talk people off the edge here on Susan's , I do so where the only thing I am really looking forward to is when I take my own life (my hope is that the person backs away from the edge safely ). You aren't a fraud for trying to help others.
As for the job situation take the 2 month job if you don't find anything else in the mean time, it seems to be easier to find work when you are already working. Taking that temp job means 2 months of working that's 1 step towards where you want to be.

Yeah, I plan on taking the temp position.  In the meantime, there is a position that might open up for me in September and another possibly in October.  Things have been so screwed up that I can't say with any certainty.  There is a small possibility the temp thing could lead to further employment as well, but I'm doubtful.  My luck has shown me that no one in this economy wants me and that I'm simply not good enough. 

As they say, the longest journey starts with the first step. I think your funk is caused by the overwhelming task before you, but you can climb that hill. One tiny step at a time and you will reach the top. We'll walk with you. Hugs, Devlyn

You're a good person Devlyn.  Thanks.

[Heather]

I appreciate your kind words Heather.  You're a good a person.  However, I really don't know if I can believe my life will improve and that I'm not a loser.  I believe you are very sincere in your words, but I don't know if I can believe that myself.

Your still young you have your whole life ahead of you to give up now would make no sense at all. You will get a job eventually have you tried looking for jobs outside the state you live in. I don't know what your degree is in? But try searching for jobs where there is a high demand for people with your type of degree.
Do you have a therapist? Being on hrt can make you more depressed because your mind is having to adjust to the new way of dealing with emotions. Don't trust your feelings all the time they can trick you into thinking they are real when they are not. If you are actually planning on killing yourself please get help. You shouldn't just write your life off just yet. You just have the bad luck like a lot of people your age of coming into a job market where not a lot of hiring is taking place. Don't give up hope the job market will eventually improve and especially as the older generation retires leaving businesses desperate to fill jobs because there is not enough of the younger people to replace them all.
LTL it will get better your still very young and life will get better I promise. Nothing lasts forever including economic downturns things will turn around for you. 
   

[mrs izzy]

I am so sorry you have been cursed with the ability to see what the future brings. Sorry you have to see what your life is going to be in the future. Sorry you know today what going forward will look like. I guess you also know how everyone that knows you will feel inside if you take the easy way out. I am truly sorry you have this ability to see everything that will come in your life and others.



Ok how stupid is all this that i wrote?
I have seen this time and time again and it is sad......No one know anything about the future other then the fact our actions effect everything in the future. There is a ripple effect. I am sorry you are having a hard time finding a job. One of my "normal" friends in the states that has 3 young children, wife and yes a dog has not worked in 4 years. Lost there home and moved into public houseing, on welfare and foodstamps. Think this makes him want to give up? Hell yes but he will not put that burden on his family (ripple effect). He still look towards getting past all this bad goverment, world bad economy, big company greed and get back to living the dream someday. He just takes life one day at a time and rolls with the punches. I was where you are, everything so dark and there is not way out. Nothing will ever work, guess what if you give up you give up. But if you keep rolling with the punches you can get out of this FUNK and move on to a great life. Yes for me life is one of the greatest gifts we have as humans.

I spent the last 2 days at the Montreal surgery center and i seen a few of our sisters and brothers with smiles on there faces, do you think they wished to give up at some point in there transition?

Stay safe, tomorrow might be as bad or worst then today, but the next day could be the day your life turnes around. There is a turn around day.

All my love and support
Izzy

[Ltl89]

Your still young you have your whole life ahead of you to give up now would make no sense at all. You will get a job eventually have you tried looking for jobs outside the state you live in. I don't know what your degree is in? But try searching for jobs where there is a high demand for people with your type of degree.
Do you have a therapist? Being on hrt can make you more depressed because your mind is having to adjust to the new way of dealing with emotions. Don't trust your feelings all the time they can trick you into thinking they are real when they are not. If you are actually planning on killing yourself please get help. You shouldn't just write your life off just yet. You just have the bad luck like a lot of people your age of coming into a job market where not a lot of hiring is taking place. Don't give up hope the job market will eventually improve and especially as the older generation retires leaving businesses desperate to fill jobs because there is not enough of the younger people to replace them all.
LTL it will get better your still very young and life will get better I promise. Nothing lasts forever including economic downturns things will turn around for you. 
   

I do have a therapist, though I have been able to afford visiting her lately.  I do have an appointment next week though.

My degree is in political science.  I made the mistake off studying what I was most passionate about,lol. 

Thanks for the positive thoughts.  I hope I will be able to believe them and apply them to myself one day.

I am so sorry you have been cursed with the ability to see what the future brings. Sorry you have to see what your life is going to be in the future. Sorry you know today what going forward will look like. I guess you also know how everyone that knows you will feel inside if you take the easy way out. I am truly sorry you have this ability to see everything that will come in your life and others.



Ok how stupid is all this that i wrote?
I have seen this time and time again and it is sad......No one know anything about the future other then the fact our actions effect everything in the future. There is a ripple effect. I am sorry you are having a hard time finding a job. One of my "normal" friends in the states that has 3 young children, wife and yes a dog has not worked in 4 years. Lost there home and moved into public houseing, on welfare and foodstamps. Think this makes him want to give up? Hell yes but he will not put that burden on his family (ripple effect). He still look towards getting past all this bad goverment, world bad economy, big company greed and get back to living the dream someday. He just takes life one day at a time and rolls with the punches. I was where you are, everything so dark and there is not way out. Nothing will ever work, guess what if you give up you give up. But if you keep rolling with the punches you can get out of this FUNK and move on to a great life. Yes for me life is one of the greatest gifts we have as humans.

I spent the last 2 days at the Montreal surgery center and i seen a few of our sisters and brothers with smiles on there faces, do you think they wished to give up at some point in there transition?

Stay safe, tomorrow might be as bad or worst then today, but the next day could be the day your life turnes around. There is a turn around day.

All my love and support
Izzy

Part of me knows you're right, but another part has realized that I'm going nowhere fast despite my efforts to get employed.  1,000 resumes should have got me somewhere.  It's the whole uncertainty of life and realizing that things have not been improving despite having taking efforts to make things better.  I wish I could just snap out of the negative thinking, but I'm fairly confident things won't improve in the near future judging by my past experience.  Yet, I also realize having suicidal thoughts and feeling depressed is far from rational behavior, so I know I'm not thinking in the best way I could.  However, it's how I am thinking and I don't know what to do anymore.

[mrs izzy]

Part of me knows you're right, but another part has realized that I'm going nowhere fast despite my efforts to get employed.  1,000 resumes should have got me somewhere.  It's the whole uncertainty of life and realizing that things have not been improving despite having taking efforts to make things better.  I wish I could just snap out of the negative thinking, but I'm fairly confident things won't improve in the near future judging by my past experience.  Yet, I also realize having suicidal thoughts and feeling depressed is far from rational behavior, so I know I'm not thinking in the best way I could.  However, it's how I am thinking and I don't know what to do anymore.

I am not here to say you are right or wrong. I am here to say it is not as bad as your mind makes it to be. I know the feeling you have, and i know it is hard to clear things in your mind just for a moment sometimes. You need to find something to break the cycle. In my own personal mind back then i knew 1000% that where i am today would never happen. Well i almost made that come true. Just in a very wrong way.
I been at this a long time, I was in that darkness for many years and everyday seems there is not end in sight. I have been trying to find that magical word, something i can say to anyone who is where you are and make it all better. I have failed, all i have to give is my life that i can share with others and try to make sure that the darkness never will win again.

Hugs and as others know here i am holding the light in the darkness, please step away from the darkness and back into the light. We all care and sure need another sister always.

Izzy

[Yuki-jker86]

Even though I know it's not the right way to feel and won't implement it, I can't help but feel how nice it would be to go to sleep without ever waking up again and dealing with the emotional pain.

I feel like you just stuck a knife in my heart. please don't take yourself out of my life. I've only just met you and I don't want to lose that.  I may never be amazing friends with you, but I have benefited from reading your posts and it would make me so incredibly sad to experience you leaving this world.
you are so so valuable, your being, your body your mind, they are amazing. you are a gift to the world, like each one of us.

anyway.... I have been unemployed since I left university. that was 2008. I don't want you to think that being trans will prevent you from working, I think what I want to give to you is permission to work as anything you want to. You have my permission and I hope that is enough for you to see my point of view and give yourself permission.
you don't have to work as what society tells you to work as.
you have a light inside you. a talent. something great. something you can do well.
pursue what makes you happy. do it if it makes you money or if it brings you peanuts. even if all you get is sore muscles or tired eyes, it will give you something more valuable. it will give you your sense of joy.
if you don't yet know what your passion is, try all sorts of different things. explore.
don't concern yourself so much with the money. when you do something you love and start to show your potential, you will be able to find a way to make money from what you can do.


there are two people, one is sitting on the floor begging for food. the other is out in the field tending to the crop and eating the fruits of the labour.  which are you?
what I mean is, do you ask others to give you your livelihood or do you make your own livelihood?

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

In the words of Dr. Lector "The world is much more interesting with you in it"

[Rachel]

Go to a hospital job board and University job board and look under housekeeping, grounds keeper and kitchen help wanted. Also, check out a janitorial company for night cleaners. 

Lack of a job is a major source of stress due to lack of money and self worth. You are an honest, caring person and you are not a job. You are you and we care deeply about you.

I work in a Hospital. I was in an elevator (leaving an Oncology ward) and One parent was talking to another. She had despair in her face, looking down she said to the other parent. They are going to give him chemo again for a week to put the cancer back into remission. No one was speaking and the ride took forever. Point, live for all those who struggled to live, with every ounce of their life, but their life ran out. Children faced with the most challenging health issues  never give up. 

Tip, always give an interviewer a present. it is a mental connection and the gift can be insignificant. Perhaps a beautiful framed picture of a landscape (inexpensive) with your contact information on the back. Show them your contact info on the back and hand them the picture. If they say they cannot accept a gift, tell them it is your business card. Smile and ask them to please accept your business card.

[MadeleineG]

Tip, always give an interviewer a present. it is a mental connection and the gift can be insignificant. Perhaps a beautiful framed picture of a landscape (inexpensive) with your contact information on the back. Show them your contact info on the back and hand them the picture. If they say they cannot accept a gift, tell them it is your business card. Smile and ask them to please accept your business card.

If someone offered me a gift during an interview, they would be effectively writing themselves off. It comes off as an attempt to bribe.


Maddy

[Ltl89]

Everyone sorry for being overemotional today.  I'm just in a bad place and trying to get out of it.  Maybe the hormones don't help in this regard because I can't stop crying (it's been non stop the past 2 days).  But I'm really trying hard.  It's just I don't see a future with all the unemployment, issues with my family, lack of a love life, pissing off all my friends all the time, and general aimlessness of my life.  I won't hurt myself, so don't think I will, but I am just in a irrational mindset that is telling me nothing will ever get better, no one will ever like you, no one will ever employ you.  I just don't know how to feel confident and actually make positive changes anymore because my attempts consistently fail.  I try to help others and do good on this site, but I fail at that too.  Again, I will still be here and won't do anything, but I can't absorb the positive messages as I've tried to improve things in my life and keep failing.  Though, I do have a temp job so I suppose that's something.