Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.

[Ltl89]

Furthermore, I would request  that no one tries to fight or argue in this thread.  It isn't conducive to our well beings nor is it productive in anyway.  I'd like to keep the thread open to document what I have been going through and record my progression in this area, whether it be good or bad.

Burnedoutfromstress, I would be willing to talk to you if you ever need someone to chat with.  Sorry for offending you, as it was not my intention.

[Jamie D]

Let's talk about jobs.  I used to be a hiring manager.  I have interviewed hundreds of people, and sifted through thousands of applications.

Don't worry about derailing the topic.  "Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many."

[Taka]

looks like something was deleted here...

But I will say that I spent my whole weekend in tears actually looking up ways to end my life painlessly.  I don't think anyone here knows just how close to the deep end I was when I started this.  However, today was a decent day.  Yeah, I got another rejection, but I'm okay.  Sometimes life may surprise us.  Even though I'm uncertain my life will ever improve, I'd rather stick around and do my best to keep trying.

there have been a few times where i wondered if it would hurt at all if i tried the knife i was cutting vegetables with on my wrist instead. i usually don't like any kind of pain (i can tolerate it, but will always avoid if at all possible), so when i notice i forget to avoid the pain, i just put away the knife and do something else. luckily it's been a while since the last time. my sister nearly killed herself on impulse once, so you were at least a little farther off than that. if you're in a state of mind where you can at least plan something, there's still a chance of getting out of it before executing the plan. none of my plans have ever been executed, and i've made lots of them. it's a lot scarier when you get so unstable that you'd do it without caring about planning just from one little more drop to add to the suffering, my sister only realized what she'd done when she noticed that she was bleeding a lot.

when i think about my own experience, making plans seems to have been a way to give myself some more time, just in case it actually gets better. not sure if that's the case for you, but getting far enough to start making serious plans is more than just a little too far. i think i was quite serious every time, life just happened to lessen my reasons to do it, and my conviction started to dissipate enough to forget about the plans for a while.

[Ltl89]

Nothing was deleted other than a few posts which are still quoted.  Someone found the ending to my initial post to be offensive as it asked others not to use my post for justification for self harm and it caused some reaction.  That's all.

looks like something was deleted here...
there have been a few times where i wondered if it would hurt at all if i tried the knife i was cutting vegetables with on my wrist instead. i usually don't like any kind of pain (i can tolerate it, but will always avoid if at all possible), so when i notice i forget to avoid the pain, i just put away the knife and do something else. luckily it's been a while since the last time. my sister nearly killed herself on impulse once, so you were at least a little farther off than that. if you're in a state of mind where you can at least plan something, there's still a chance of getting out of it before executing the plan. none of my plans have ever been executed, and i've made lots of them. it's a lot scarier when you get so unstable that you'd do it without caring about planning just from one little more drop to add to the suffering, my sister only realized what she'd done when she noticed that she was bleeding a lot.

when i think about my own experience, making plans seems to have been a way to give myself some more time, just in case it actually gets better. not sure if that's the case for you, but getting far enough to start making serious plans is more than just a little too far. i think i was quite serious every time, life just happened to lessen my reasons to do it, and my conviction started to dissipate enough to forget about the plans for a while.

I see what you mean.  I don't have a concrete plan written out, so I guess that is good.  It's just more thoughts and planning that I shut away as fast as I can.  I know it isn't the "right" thing to do, but I let the hopelessness get to me at times.  But I'm working on improving life and I will make it out in time.  Even if it is hard.

[Cindy]

Sorry I'm late into this.

OK I'm in Australia and the job situation is different here, we are just starting to go down the toilet, economically, big time. You guys have had it for a few years.

Like Jamie I also am responsible for hiring people, mainly laboratort workers, but it doesn't matter. I have interviewed hundreds of people for hundreds of jobs.

The last job I advertised was for a base grade medical scientist, they needed the equivalent of a BSc to apply. Out of the 175 applicants I interviewed 10, all had either a PhD or a medical degree.

So life is tough and you are not being rejected for being trans (at least not by me!).

Most people I reject for interview half way through the cover letter. To be honest I have to get rid of people to interview, so any error or mistake is enough for me to reject. Cruel - yes.

If they get through that I look at their employment history, to be honest I don't care a lot about what they have been doing, I just want to know they have been doing.

After that I start to think about if they are suitable.

So make sure you can talk about gaps in employment history, I and most recruitment people don't care what you did, we know it is tough, but I want to know if you are a fighter or not. If you are I'm interested.

One young person couldn't get anything for 12 months, they included that during that time they visited a nursing home daily to talk to people, they organized a police check so they could. She also took pensioners dogs for walks. I checked, she had done this. I ended up employing her.

Don't give up hope, keep trying.

I am BTW always willing to examine resumes and give some personal advice on applications if you want me too, just email me.

I have a small charge, blow a kiss to the members here

Cindy

[Taka]

hmm... good job searching advice. would be nice to get some advice on getting through an interview when you're so nervous you'd rather vanish into thin air. there has to be something they're looking for which can be portrayed a little better than through muttering in a low voice.

I see what you mean.  I don't have a concrete plan written out, so I guess that is good.  It's just more thoughts and planning that I shut away as fast as I can.  I know it isn't the "right" thing to do, but I let the hopelessness get to me at times.  But I'm working on improving life and I will make it out in time.  Even if it is hard.

some times i think how wonderful it would be if there was someone whom i could be perfectly honest with, tell about all my fears and despair, and they'd just hug me and tell me to sleep, and tomorrow they'll help me set everything right. where's that unconditional love when i need it... improving life seems to be a very long process. all i can do is hope that the good times will in the end outnumber the bad ones. i don't know if it's the right thing to do, i can only hope that it will end better at a later time.

[Cindy]

hmm... good job searching advice. would be nice to get some advice on getting through an interview when you're so nervous you'd rather vanish into thin air. there has to be something they're looking for which can be portrayed a little better than through muttering in a low voice.
some times i think how wonderful it would be if there was someone whom i could be perfectly honest with, tell about all my fears and despair, and they'd just hug me and tell me to sleep, and tomorrow they'll help me set everything right. where's that unconditional love when i need it... improving life seems to be a very long process. all i can do is hope that the good times will in the end outnumber the bad ones. i don't know if it's the right thing to do, i can only hope that it will end better at a later time.

Very happy to help with interviews as well!

I have had some classics from the Blooper Page of Interviews!!

[Taka]

i'm in the lucky situation that i don't get jobs through interviews any more, it seems... i only asked because your advice was so much clearer than what i have managed to find on any of those job searching sites when i tried to find something in the city. i'm so glad i decided to just move back home where people already know me.

[Ltl89]

Sorry I'm late into this.

OK I'm in Australia and the job situation is different here, we are just starting to go down the toilet, economically, big time. You guys have had it for a few years.

Like Jamie I also am responsible for hiring people, mainly laboratort workers, but it doesn't matter. I have interviewed hundreds of people for hundreds of jobs.

The last job I advertised was for a base grade medical scientist, they needed the equivalent of a BSc to apply. Out of the 175 applicants I interviewed 10, all had either a PhD or a medical degree.

So life is tough and you are not being rejected for being trans (at least not by me!).

Most people I reject for interview half way through the cover letter. To be honest I have to get rid of people to interview, so any error or mistake is enough for me to reject. Cruel - yes.

If they get through that I look at their employment history, to be honest I don't care a lot about what they have been doing, I just want to know they have been doing.

After that I start to think about if they are suitable.

So make sure you can talk about gaps in employment history, I and most recruitment people don't care what you did, we know it is tough, but I want to know if you are a fighter or not. If you are I'm interested.

One young person couldn't get anything for 12 months, they included that during that time they visited a nursing home daily to talk to people, they organized a police check so they could. She also took pensioners dogs for walks. I checked, she had done this. I ended up employing her.

Don't give up hope, keep trying.

I am BTW always willing to examine resumes and give some personal advice on applications if you want me too, just email me.

I have a small charge, blow a kiss to the members here

Cindy

I agree with a lot of what you said.  I don't think my transition has much to do with my situation.  There are two problems I face: employment gap and political experience.  See, I'm a very dedicated hippie and some of my previous work can be a deterrent for certain jobs to hire me.   You really don't want anything overtly partisan on your resume which is sadly what I have.  I have found that left wing organizations are more likely to schedule an interview than something that is non partisan.  Problem is, I am still young and fairly inexperienced.  The jobs that come my way are not really long term or even full time.  And it's even harder to find something because it isn't election season and jobs in the field are hard to come by. Now, the gap exists because I waited after my last job ended before searching for something else.  Without going into it, there was reason to believe that some people would be able to help me find something.  Well, that never came to be.  At that point I have applied far and wide without much success.  I do get interviews with certain non profit or politically oriented positions, but it hasn't worked out well.   In this economy, you need years of experience before you'll get hired for even a normal entry job.  Plus, at the end of the day it's really all about connections.  Who would have thought politics is all about politics,lol.  So even the jobs advertised go to people they know.  The last job that I was offered wanted me to work somewhere around 80 hours a week which didn't include travel and after work functions.  There is no way I could have pulled that off at this time as I am studying intensely for the GRE (which has been going on forever because I suck at math,lol) and grad school is my priority.  Another job has delayed the hiring process but is keeping me as a potential candidate when they start up again at the end of the year.  And I am still waiting to hear from others.  It's a tough break right now, but I am trying.  Unfortunately, that gap keeps becoming bigger by the end of the day.  I wish I did take up a volunteer or an additional internship, but I waited and messed up.  At the moment, I will be satisfied with anything that will allow me to make ends meet until I go back to school.  Personally, I'm not too interested in going back into politics as I prefer the academic side of the subject.  In any even, I'm rambling and making no sense,lol.  What I'm trying to say is the problem is my past, both because of my experience and the employment gap, which prevents something normal (non political or partisan) from hiring me.    But hey, I have a good opportunity coming my way, and some other potential ones, so I will fight on and make the best of it. 

[Ltl89]

Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

[Taka]

congrats on the job!

seeing as you're a girl, i want to mention that many women in the netherlands say they're happier in a (permanent) part time job than working full time. spend that extra free time doing things that you enjoy. you don't need a better job than one that pays for all that you need plus a treat once in a while.

[Aina]

Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

Big hug from over here LtL, I knew you would get something eventually. Congrats!

Also don't worry a job is a job, that is what I have a part-time perm job. Honestly I love it, because I have a lot of time well to do school stuff that this point, but was really nice in the summer.

At times I get bummed with lack of hours, but then I realize oh I could do something else!

-hugs again- Yay congrats!   

[Dreams2014]

Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

Congratulations on your job! I'm glad things are getting better for you!

[Amelia Pond]

Congratulations LtL! That's awesome news, I'm very happy for you!

*BIG HUGS*

Amy

[Cindy]

That has made my day!!!

Congratulations Honey

Well done

[Rachel]

Congratulations!

I am so happy for you.

This thread may help hundreds of Trans* for years to come.

You are a strong caring person who deserves good things to happen. Having a supportive boss is a definitely a good thing!

[izzy]

congratulations on the job. Keep up your good spirits.

[Tessa James]

Hey LtL that is terrific news.  Sounds like you are on an upswing in many ways and you might feel even better able to keep your dreams strong and your priorities working for you.

Thank you for sharing such poignant and heartfelt news with us.

[Ltl89]

I could be wrong, but I'm good at putting two and two together....

With that in mind, I would like to again clarify that this post was an outline of my personal issues with depression and suicidal thoughts as well as suicidal feelings.  The post was never intended to be a blanket statement to belittle or not sympathize with more troubled individuals.  This was a post about MY problems, not anyone else's.  I did write that things CAN get better and used my experience as an example.  I did not say that it is guaranteed to get better nor did I say that there aren't worse situations.  I made that clear and no one should be upset or mad over that.  If you really take offense to me or any of my statements, I think you are the one being very unfair to me and really should see things in the context they were put in.  It's really not cool for anyone to get angry that people feel depression can be solved or that they have themselves found a slight improvement in their life that they hoped to share for the purposes of documenting their own progress and maybe to help inspire those who are in the same situation.  Why should anyone yell or scream about that or perhaps threaten to smack someone for posting that?  Am I really such a bad person who deserves criticism or reprimanding over that.  Seriously, I'm not a villain looking to hurt or belittle people.  I shared my own experience with the caveat that it MAY improve for others struggling as well.  Give me the same credit and respect that you and everyone else deserves.  I'm not an evil bad person for sharing my story.  I'm sorry if yours isn't good and I hope you find what you are looking for in life.   

Because I suspect I know what's going on, I am going to delete some of the posts in this thread that I think are related to some anger on the site.  If I was asked, I would have done so.

Please don't reply to this post.  I'd like this to be a closed case and believed it already was.  So, let this be the end. 

If I'm off base anyway, I apologize, but I think I know what is going on.   

[Ltl89]

For clarification, some posts have been deleted because they had the quotes of another user and I hope that makes someone else feel better.  Again, please realize this post was about my problems and issues, no one else's.  While I believe things can improve and have maintained my optimism, I in no way will claim I know what lies ahead for others and would never belittle the problems of others or claim my situation is worse than theirs.  Please don't get upset or angry at me for that because I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm no such a bad person.  Thank you.