How do you deal with the arguments that make sense?

[KabitTarah]

Sorry if I sound like I'm in a bad place.......

I just talked to my mother. I'm destroying my life, my marriage, harming my kids, could lose family members that can't accept it, I could end up losing my job - even though there are protections in place "they can still find something else to fire me for," financial ruin, etc., etc.

A part of me understands all this, and knows it's true... yet when I tell her I understand that and I don't have a lot of choice in the matter I'm the one who's insensitive and can't grieve for the things I'm losing.

My favorite was the "in my day" talk about how people made sacrifices for their family. I was already a sacrifice - 10 years more and I'd be dead from diabetes or heart disease (I am 30s... my health was decreasing steadily, obese, family histories, etc., etc.).

In any case, yes I'm venting a bit but my question is valid! What do you say to this stuff? Is there really anything you can say?

[Antonia J]

Why do you have to say anything? What if no matter what you say they are convinced you are going down a ruinous path? One approach is to thank them for their concern and let them know you hear them, and then... nothing...let it go.    Right now your wife and family are dealing with the shock and it will be difficult (if not impossible) to have a meaningful and emotionally detached conversation.  Tell them you love them.  Be kind.  And be resolute.  Do not tolerate abuse of any form, and physically remove yourself from the room if you feel verbally or physically threatened.  Listen, otherwise, but don't feel you need to convince anyone of anything other than you love them and you are doing what you feel is right... with the help and guidance of a trained and licensed therapist.

[KabitTarah]

Thanks for that. It helps.

Breaking through to my wife may not be possible... I keep trying, though. I want the communcation to stay alive.

[mrs izzy]

I had the Movie "Normal" on dvd also i had the book She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders [Jennifer Finney Boylan] and gave it to anyone who wished to use them.  And I left it as that.

I would not try to defend myself from anyones own agenda. I got to the point when i went full time i just did not care what anyone felt about me anymore. It was my life, it always been my life and was tired of living it for everyone else.

As for a spouse, its hard to see them hurting, but if they care about you they also know you are also hurting.

Izzy

[Beth Andrea]

Sorry if I sound like I'm in a bad place.......

I just talked to my mother. I'm destroying my life, my marriage, harming my kids, could lose family members that can't accept it, I could end up losing my job - even though there are protections in place "they can still find something else to fire me for," financial ruin, etc., etc.

A part of me understands all this, and knows it's true... yet when I tell her I understand that and I don't have a lot of choice in the matter I'm the one who's insensitive and can't grieve for the things I'm losing.

My favorite was the "in my day" talk about how people made sacrifices for their family. I was already a sacrifice - 10 years more and I'd be dead from diabetes or heart disease (I am 30s... my health was decreasing steadily, obese, family histories, etc., etc.).

In any case, yes I'm venting a bit but my question is valid! What do you say to this stuff? Is there really anything you can say?

Most of what your mom says is based in fear--her fear for your life/marriage/kids, losing family and/or your job...yes, any or all of that might come true.

And an asteroid might hit the Earth tomorrow, and we all die. One can't live their life in fear. We live, we do what is right for us, no matter what the future may hold.

Yes, there is a balance. One does not recklessly jump from an airplane without a chute, change jobs without another one in-hand...but if one had a terminal illness where the only cure was a surgery with "only" a 50/50 chance of survival...one would do the surgery anyway, yes?

So is transition mandatory for you? Here's where it gets just a bit tricky...

• For some of us, transitioning *is* mandatory. The dysphoria is so great, the depression is so deep, that suicide is the only perceivable option if transition is not done.


• But some of us are dysphoric, and the depression isn't that deep...yet. They can hold off on transition for a time...a year, perhaps several years.


• Others are dysphoric, but are able to better tolerate having the wrong body, and can put off permanent transitioning indefinitely, perhaps tolerating their body issues with cross-dressing.

I say it's "tricky" because to other people, it looks like we are "choosing" to transition or not. Because *some* people are ok with not transitioning, and others aren't, they wonder why you can't be one of those who can wait...why, it's because you CHOSE to transition! The idea that some people can tolerate mis-bodied issues and other's can't...is just incomprehensible to them...like why do some people love chocolate, and others don't? "Because those people are crazy--or weird--that's why! 

Only you can say where you are in this spectrum. If you can hold off until the kids have grown more...until the job is a bit more secure (and only the lowest of employers would find "something else" to fire you for; if you're competent, work well with others, profitable/useful, etc they most likely won't let you go). ...if you can hold off, great! But if you can't...then what must be, will be, and the family and job will have to be brought along, if they can. You will make the effort to bring them; they must make the effort to be there with you no matter what.

No one else can say where you are, or what you should do...this includes putting a guilt trip on you.

And sometimes...you will just have to walk away from people who are poisonous to your life.

Good luck! 

[Antonia J]

No one else can say where you are, or what you should do...this includes putting a guilt trip on you.

And sometimes...you will just have to walk away from people who are poisonous to your life.

Good luck! 

+1 Excellent post.

[KabitTarah]

Thank you, all!

So is transition mandatory for you? Here's where it gets just a bit tricky...

• For some of us, transitioning *is* mandatory. The dysphoria is so great, the depression is so deep, that suicide is the only perceivable option if transition is not done.
• But some of us are dysphoric, and the depression isn't that deep...yet. They can hold off on transition for a time...a year, perhaps several years.
• Others are dysphoric, but are able to better tolerate having the wrong body, and can put off permanent transitioning indefinitely, perhaps tolerating their body issues with cross-dressing.

I say it's "tricky" because to other people, it looks like we are "choosing" to transition or not. Because *some* people are ok with not transitioning, and others aren't, they wonder why you can't be one of those who can wait...why, it's because you CHOSE to transition! The idea that some people can tolerate mis-bodied issues and other's can't...is just incomprehensible to them...like why do some people love chocolate, and others don't? "Because those people are crazy--or weird--that's why! 

For me, it all came to a head. There's a certain point where the stuff you've bottled in for so long just gets too big for the space it's in. I'm dysphoric for sure, but not to the point of suicide or depression. I wonder how much of that is just who I am, though. I suppose depression could come if I'm manic now... but I don't find that likely.

I think it's hard for others to believe because it's been so long. Even my mother recognized that - but that's an easy answer... it's what people do. She talked a lot about gender roles, too... it's not about gender roles, or what I'm giving up, etc.

In any case... I've put it behind me. Today, on the other hand, is going to be extremely difficult. We have a family party... it's at our house. Everyone knows something is wrong between me and my wife (and that it's my fault). My wife's friend, who knows (my wife had to tell someone... this friend almost never sees the family) is coming. My parents will be there. I'm not expecting them to tell... but it will be bad enough having everyone else trying to figure out if I'm gay.

Oh, and my wife will be drinking I'm sure -- definitely *not* a problem with her... she never drinks. She does have terrible social anxiety, which I've compounded by no longer being the rock (i.e. man) in her life. If anyone is going to let this secret out tomorrow it will be her. I've prepared a coming out letter that I'm going to give sooner than later... but today is the wrong day for it. (My kids' birthday party? Yeah... not appropriate). Really, though... I'm more worried about direct questions that I cannot answer.

[Jamie D]

kabit, sometimes we are able to cope with the dysphoria, and a spouse, and kids, and siblings, and parents, and work, and friends.  It is like a house of cards.

And then comes a time when it can fall apart.  And something has to give.  Your ticker says that you have been out to yourself less than three weeks.  Give yourself time to adjust.

And don't put too much stock in what guilt-tripping drama queens have to say.

[LordKAT]

Maybe have copies of your coming out letter handy. If people ask you direct questions, tell them you have a letter  for them but now is not the time.  Then give it to them on their way out the door after the party.


Just an idea.

[suzifrommd]

As a teacher, I believe nearly anyone can be educated. Try repeating these facts frequently to her:

* We don't choose to be transgender.

* No one has been able to "cure" it and it typically doesn't go away on it's own.

* It's serious. Suicide and depression are common among transgender people who don't transition.

* Transitioning to live as your internal gender is the only recognized and effective treatment. Its percentage of success is in the high 90's.

The first time she hears stuff like this, she might dismiss it, so I suggest repeating these simple facts.  For some people it helps break through their resistance.

If you don't succeed, at least you've done the best you can.

[KabitTarah]

Thanks again! I did have copies of my letter available and thankfully didn't need them. I also have an ally - my wife's friend (who is also my friend - from when we were in college) told be she doesn't understand, but she can accept it and talk about it with me. The first totally rational person I've talked to so far... (I don't quite include my therapist yet, though I'm sure he is too).

I totally understand that I'm new at this. I don't know where I'm going with it... but that's part of the problem. Everyone who knows feels hung out to dry.