Confused. Advice needed

[Ultra89]

Hello everybody. This is my first post here. I will open new thread later on to introduce myself properly in introduce section.

Im 23y male and i don't know what to think or what to do.

Here is little bit of my life history.

Since i was kid i knew that i'm kind a different person. I felt different from my friends but i didn't know why do i feel that and what is wrong with me. In age about 8 i tried first gilry clothes , which i took from my niece, just for fun, and i felt great (i still remember that day) . In age 9-10 i saw first porn with my friends, and all of them were talking about that blonde on the movie, but i didn't felt anything, no erection or thrill, i was just confused like wtf did i just saw, which was i guess maybe normal reaction of 9yo kid. Later on when i came home i was thinking about what i saw and i really bad wanted to be that blond from the movie. Don't know why tho... it was causing in me some very nice feeling mixed with sexual thrill, and then i got really hard erection. From that day i was imaging myself having a sex with a guy, almost every day. Even if didn't know what is masturbation at that time, i tried and i "masturbated" as girls did , only with my anus instead (all kind of insertions etc) And i was rubbing my nipples all the time .  I remember nights spent laying at the bed, thinking of what to do to become a girl.

At the age of 11 i started masturbating for real. But i didn't found girls attractive as my friends did. And that didn't change a lot, even today i don't get it when they say look at those boobs and stuff like that. I never liked sports, and i don't have masculine body. I don't have hair on my chest or my back. I developed a small breasts as well, which is not visible when i wear a shirt, but its visible when i take it of. I feel very embarrassing to take my shirt of as well. I don't go to the beach or public places to swim, i go somewhere where there is no people.

Age 16 i had first "real" girlfriend and i had sex first time in my life. And everything was ok for one year, and i started to steal her panties and underware nad her make up. And then everything stopped at age of 17. But just for a brief period, maybe 6-7 months. Later on feelings came back even stronger , all that thinking that i should be girl, i started growing long hair, and acting as girl when i was alone and it felt great as usually. I even tried to hurt my genitals so i can make them stop growing. Now i live in very homophobic country, and couldn't talk to anyone about it, cuz i was very scared, so i was on my own.

Age 19 i thought that i was gay, cuz i constantly wanted to have sex with a men. But i didn't found idea of two males kissing or having sex very pleasant. So i just gave up on it. I didn't know what am i, cuz i was losing interest in sex with girls and i didn't want to be with a guy.

Age of 20 i really started to bang my had about everything, will this stop, what should i do, to who to talk... and it didn't stop at all.

Now i'm 23 there is no more long hair on me. I have short military hearcut, i behave very rude to people, i pretend that i'm bad boy, and i don't show emotions. Not at all. I built that as a defense mechanism. In that way people don't make fun of me. But what is true i'm very emotional, i even start crying when i hear a sad song, or when i see sad movie. My emotions are messed up all the way, cuz i need to hide them all the time. Sexual life is messed up as well, i didn't had sex for more than 9 months and i don't feel like i need to. And then  5 days ago i tried to have sex with one girl, and i couldn't  ... i only feel pleasure kissing her and touching her... but no pleasure at all on having sex with her. She tried to give me oral sex but i didn't like it... i never did. 

All those things affecting my life... a lot. And now i don't know what to do. Maybe is all this just a fetish ? Then again if it is, it would not start when i was 9yo. If its not, what should do ? I really like idea to transform myself... and in past few months i really think about it all the time, but for real.

To sum up all things i wrote here:

-I don't like having sex with girls
-I think that i should be born as a girl
-Some body parts on me looks like woman
-I'm not attracted to be with guy in this body and this form (maybe with some slight changes)

I can try to suppress this feelings, but i think i will go crazy if i do so,  i think i'm crazy already. I have low esteem already, and i feel really bad. 

I don't know why i'm posting this at all, i know its not easy to answer on my questions, cuz everyone is different... but i hope that here maybe i can find some answers like what should i do next... Cuz i don't have anyone with who i can talk about this. I can't tell this even to best friend.

I want to thank all of you who is taking time to read this thread, this is really great community and great forum, i was reading this forum for days now, and i found some great people with similar problems. That's why i decided to open this one and share my life story... of course it happened a lot more than i wrote here, its just not possible to write here everything. 

Sorry on my bad english, maybe i made some mistakes in gram. 






Edited profanity.

[Devlyn]

Hi Ultra, welcome to Susan's Place! This seemed introductiony enough to me, I moved you over here. I'm from Boston. Glad you found the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Ultra89]

Thanks Marie And i apologize for not using clinical terms, my english is not so good and i'm not faimiliar with all of them.

[Devlyn]

No worries, we'll help you out! Hugs, Devlyn

[SaveMeJeebus]

Ahoy there. Welcome!

Have you considered looking into support offline? A gender therapist perhaps?

[Jamie D]

Ultra, we all start confused.  Sometimes, we stay that way.

Please be sure to review:

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Your dysphoric feelings have been there a long time.  It is a story not unlike many of our members have told about themselves.  Especially the part about trying so hard to fit your birth sex.  Reach for that balance, between your mind and your body.  And don't worry about labels - we are each unique.

[Ultra89]

Ahoy there. Welcome!

Have you considered looking into support offline? A gender therapist perhaps?

Thanks   Well not really, it is very hard to find that kind of therapist in my country. Even if i do, i think i would need more courage for it. And some support as well. At the end , i'm really alone here, non of friends would understand this. My country is well known for homophobia, even gay parades are not allowed due to big risk of people smashing city and fighting, so its really (i mean really) hard to find anyone offline to talk about. For 23 years i never told anyone in real life what i really feel.

Ultra, we all start confused.  Sometimes, we stay that way.

Please be sure to review:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Your dysphoric feelings have been there a long time.  It is a story not unlike many of our members have told about themselves.  Especially the part about trying so hard to fit your birth sex.  Reach for that balance, between your mind and your body.  And don't worry about labels - we are each unique.

Thanks for good advice and useful links, i will take some times to read them all. And i will make sure to respect site rules.

I need to say that i feel much "lighter" since i made this post, and somehow i'm glad that i'm talking with people about it, even its virtual, it gives me feeling "everything will beok" and i'm glad about it. 

[musicofthenight]

Hi, Ultra.

I'm not going to tell you what you are.  I don't know and even if I could guess, it's your job to figure yourself out.  We're here to support: ask questions, answer questions, be someone to talk to, have fun, things like that.


Sorry if this is a little long.  There are many parts of your story that sound like my own.


I'm also 23, male-androgyne, I don't like being called "it" or "that," but "he" or "she" or "they" are all okay.  I'm going to call you "he" because you said

Im 23y male

but if you ever want that to change, all you need to do is ask.

"Androgyne" might not be in your dictionary.  It means a person who is both male (but not all male) and female (but not all male) with both kinds of ingredients mixed together without a sense of separation.  It usually refers to secondary traits (body shape, preferences and feelings, self-image) and not sex organs themselves.

I began puberty a little early.  I think I was about 9 or 10.  I ejaculated for the first time at 11 and a few months, and my voice broke a few months after that.  I was at my adult height by 16.  Around 12 or 13, I was developing breasts, but they went away.  Completely.  *sigh*  I am perfectly flat.  None of this is too strange for a male, but it was fast and early, more like female puberty.  Maybe my hormones were a little different.


My thoughts on crossdressing being a "fetish."

If a male is typically male with typical male feelings and behaviors, and he likes to pretend in the bedroom that he's a big-shot important alpha male, nobody uses that to argue that his male-ness is only sexual.  I think transgender people deserve the same respect.  At the same time, bedroom stuff is bedroom stuff and the truth is people spend most of their lives doing things other than sex.

So, ask yourself about things other than sex.  Can you see yourself buying eggs and milk, making friends, riding a bus, paying your taxes - as a woman?  Not a question to answer all at once, but a far better one to ask than "how do they have sex?"


I really hate that males aren't allowed to be emotional, too.  I'm happy with my body the way it is (okay, I complain about little things, but what girl doesn't?) but the things that really bother me:
- people tell me or act disappointed when I'm not male enough
- people judge that I can't be female (in some ways) just because I'm male (according to appearances)

You might be different.  Like, I'm attracted to women not men, but... it's complicated and took me a while to understand and I think you might find this useful.

I don't like visual erotic stuff in a "normal" male way.  It doesn't always gross me out, it can be artistically beautiful, but mostly it's strange and... physically arousing but emotionally empty.  I don't get attracted to anyone based on looks, it's all personality for me.  The label is "demisexual," I think, but I can't name any good resources off the top of my head.

Erotic literature, that I enjoy.

Mm, yeah, so I guess that's what I've got.  Anything you need to talk about, I'm ears.

Oh, yeah, welcome!

[SaveMeJeebus]

Thanks   Well not really, it is very hard to find that kind of therapist in my country. Even if i do, i think i would need more courage for it. And some support as well. At the end , i'm really alone here, non of friends would understand this. My country is well known for homophobia, even gay parades are not allowed due to big risk of people smashing city and fighting, so its really (i mean really) hard to find anyone offline to talk about. For 23 years i never told anyone in real life what i really feel.


Thanks for good advice and useful links, i will take some times to read them all. And i will make sure to respect site rules.

I need to say that i feel much "lighter" since i made this post, and somehow i'm glad that i'm talking with people about it, even its virtual, it gives me feeling "everything will beok" and i'm glad about it.

Oh, right. I had no idea idea. That blows.