HELP! I Can't Handle My Trans Truth!

[FreshGuy]

I'm going to answer this, just for interests sake. I'm transsexual because my heart, mind and soul tells me I'm a woman - just my body seems to disagree.

And FreshGuy, I never wanted to be trans.. I never wanted to transition - never even planned on it. But I did transition, in the end. And I'm glad I did, I've gotten to a point where I'm happy with my life and happy with myself.

But getting to this point has taken a lot of work, including some very heavy work with my therapist.. It's also required that I accept 100% that I am a woman.

So you're basically saying I am a woman and I need to accept it?

[Danielle Emmalee]

Here's the problem with your situation.  You want to know how others here handle their trans truth so well while you haven't been able to.  You think that other transsexual people should be able to help you out.  Let me tell you exactly why I think that nobody here can possibly help you with that.  The people here that are able to handle their own trans truth cannot relate to your situation at all, some of us are trying to and can relate to some parts of your situation, but I don't think a single one really understands where you are coming from and therefore cannot help you in the way that you need.  Their situations are much, much different.  This is why everyone's only advice is to see a therapist.  That is the only person that is going to be able to help you.  It is a sad reality and I am sorry for you as I am largely in the same position.  The number of issues I have with my mental health are beyond what anything else I have seen on Susan's, save for your apparent issues maybe, and I mean no offence by that.  Please, take everyone's advice and get some help.  Then once you have talked to a therapist a few times come back if you feel you still fit in here.  Actually come back even if you feel that you don't so that you can help other people that come here to see that therapy really can help people.

[FreshGuy]

Here's the problem with your situation.  You want to know how others here handle their trans truth so well while you haven't been able to.  You think that other transsexual people should be able to help you out.  Let me tell you exactly why I think that nobody here can possibly help you with that.  The people here that are able to handle their own trans truth cannot relate to your situation at all, some of us are trying to and can relate to some parts of your situation, but I don't think a single one really understands where you are coming from and therefore cannot help you in the way that you need.  Their situations are much, much different.  This is why everyone's only advice is to see a therapist.  That is the only person that is going to be able to help you.  It is a sad reality and I am sorry for you as I am largely in the same position.  The number of issues I have with my mental health are beyond what anything else I have seen on Susan's, save for your apparent issues maybe, and I mean no offence by that.  Please, take everyone's advice and get some help.  Then once you have talked to a therapist a few times come back if you feel you still fit in here.  Actually come back even if you feel that you don't so that you can help other people that come here to see that therapy really can help people.

Ok, thank you. I think you could be right, I do find it hard to find other trans people with a similar backstory. I have recently found one one another website but they don't post much. I have found a few others like me but they like me don't really know how to handle it

[Danielle Emmalee]

Ok, thank you. I think you could be right, I do find it hard to find other trans people with a similar backstory. I have recently found one one another website but they don't post much. I have found a few others like me but they like me don't really know how to handle it

Glad I could help.  Another thing, if you don't like one therapist, try another one.  Eventually you will find one that you are able to trust and open up to that can really help you.  At least that's what I've heard, I've never actually been in therapy myself.

[FreshGuy]

Glad I could help.  Another thing, if you don't like one therapist, try another one.  Eventually you will find one that you are able to trust and open up to that can really help you.  At least that's what I've heard, I've never actually been in therapy myself.

Ok, ty

Do you not think therapy would help you too?

[Ltl89]

I just wanted to point out that there are non-op transwomen on this board.  I'm not in that camp (well I suppose I am until I can one day afford SRS), but that isn't a dis-qualifier.   

That aside, op, you may want to heavily consider whether transitioning is right for you.  In your post, you state that you enjoy being a guy and have no problem with it.  That's something very few transwomen would state.  Of course, the transgender umbrella is diverse and there are various kinds of dysphoria, but that is something worth looking further into.  I don't know what to say about the genital mutilation scenarios.  I dislike my birth genitalia and would like SRS, but I have never really had nightmares about damaging them. 

[Danielle Emmalee]

Ok, ty

Do you not think therapy would help you too?

I think therapy would most likely help me, along with probably at least 2 or 3 different medications.  My problem is that some of my problems are stopping me from facing my problems.

[FreshGuy]

I think therapy would most likely help me, along with probably at least 2 or 3 different medications.  My problem is that some of my problems are stopping me from facing my problems.

I get that too but I guess we will both just have to face up to them

[Danielle Emmalee]

I get that too but I guess we will both just have to face up to them

Yep.  Sure do.  I'm not sure if I will on my own though.  I hope you do.  At least you have taken more steps than me and actually have attempted to talk to a therapist.

[dalebert]

There are a lot of guys who have thoughts about mutilating or removing their penis and/or testicles. That doesn't necessarily equate to being trans though sometimes there may be overlap. I certainly wouldn't take that alone as something to identify with being trans.

Here's the thing. You have thought about this a lot, enough to conclude that you may be trans. Let's say you decide that you are. Then you will still need to see a therapist to help you figure out how to address it. So the advice to see a therapist seems solid. They will help you figure this stuff out in a way that's personal to your issues.

[Jenna Marie]

I'm afraid I pretty much said everything I could in the thread that was removed - you don't HAVE to transition, you don't have to do anything at all that you don't want to do, and you seem primarily to have an issue with intrusive thoughts and obsessing and probably need to deal with that first.

Let me reiterate : You do not have to do one single thing that you don't want to. No one will force you. Part of the "trans truth" is that people decide what being trans means *for them.* Sometimes, in some situations, they decide it means... absolutely nothing changes for the foreseeable future except that they know themselves. You can simply not do ANYTHING AT ALL, until and unless you're ready for it.

I chose, before every single change and milestone in transition, that I consciously wanted to proceed. If I didn't want to, I didn't have to. (Including bottom surgery, which plenty of people don't do. I *wanted* to. I didn't have issues with panicking about what might happen to my penis; I was thrilled. If you don't want to change your penis, then just don't!)

[FreshGuy]

Yep.  Sure do.  I'm not sure if I will on my own though.  I hope you do.  At least you have taken more steps than me and actually have attempted to talk to a therapist.

I'm sure you can do it, you come across as strong

I don't know what to say to the doctor when I go though.

[FreshGuy]

I'm afraid I pretty much said everything I could in the thread that was removed - you don't HAVE to transition, you don't have to do anything at all that you don't want to do, and you seem primarily to have an issue with intrusive thoughts and obsessing and probably need to deal with that first.

Let me reiterate : You do not have to do one single thing that you don't want to. No one will force you. Part of the "trans truth" is that people decide what being trans means *for them.* Sometimes, in some situations, they decide it means... absolutely nothing changes for the foreseeable future except that they know themselves. You can simply not do ANYTHING AT ALL, until and unless you're ready for it.

I chose, before every single change and milestone in transition, that I consciously wanted to proceed. If I didn't want to, I didn't have to. (Including bottom surgery, which plenty of people don't do. I *wanted* to. I didn't have issues with panicking about what might happen to my penis; I was thrilled. If you don't want to change your penis, then just don't!)

Ok, thank you for your assistance

[Renee]

I don't know what to say to the doctor when I go though.

Tell them the same thing you've told us. Only perhaps a bit calmer...

[Danielle Emmalee]

I'm sure you can do it, you come across as strong

I don't know what to say to the doctor when I go though.

I wouldn't really say that I'm strong, more that I'm really good at hiding my weaknesses when I want to.  I've let down my guard a few times on Susan's on some of the gender issues, but otherwise everyone seems to be ignorant of the real problems going on inside my head.  That includes family and friends.  The only one who's come close to seeing the full extent of it is my wife but even she hasn't seen the whole picture. 

I think I'd be a very scary person to get into the mind of, even for a therapist (not the reason I haven't seen one)  I hear of some people more messed up than me but generally they're on shows like Criminal Minds.  I just have to say I'm glad I'm not sociopathic, not for my sake but for the world's sake.

I'm scared even posting this much about myself is going to freak people out.

[Jack_M]

Transitioning means YOU need/wish to transition.  No one can force you to transition as a cure, you seem to have this part backwards.  You seem to be so opposed to transition and don't have dysphoria about being male.  This suggests that transitioning is not for you at present.  So worrying about being trans because you'd have to transition is a total wasted worry when you don't want to transition.  Finding a similar back story is going to be difficult.  Unless you're in the middle east where folks transition because they're homosexual, people only transition if they need/want to.

It seems you're so absolutely focused on this fear of transition you don't want, that you're missing the point when others questioning what you do want, likely because you're assuming there is only one solution.  This actual fear may even be the reason you're having such thoughts about genital mutilation because you're potentially under this mistaken impression that someone is going to force you to get surgery or force hormones into you against your will.

You really should talk to a professional.  It's like you have an itch in your stomach and you've done a search on google and determined you have brain cancer.  You're leaping to conclusions that don't make sense but are scaring you.  It would do you good to talk to a professional to help you figure out what the root of your problems are and where to go from here.  Once you figure out more there you can better request advice or coping strategies with regards to what your actual issues are. 

[Lo]

^That is some very solid advice, FreshGuy. Print that post out and put it on your wall. The intrusive thoughts on their own, whether about TG or not, seem to be causing you incredible distress, and they are sometimes a sign of some other mental issue going on. Get help, because it doesn't sound like this is going to resolve itself, and you don't want this getting worse. If you had a broken bone, you wouldn't try setting it yourself, would you?

And as I posted in your other thread that got deleted, being comfortable in a dress doesn't necessarily make you MtF. You may very well just enjoy crossdressing.