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Memories

Started by Steph, June 19, 2007, 07:27:58 AM

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Steph

Prior to surgery I though that I would be able to put my old life behind me and that I would start and live my new life and start to create new memories one's that were about the real me, after all pictures/photographs, cards and gifts would reveal my true past.

I was in a spare bedroom that I'm using as temporary storage, and I was putting papers and such into piles that I could go through later and discard those items that I didn't need or want any more.  I came across pictures of me and Gillian, me with my Daughter, and me in the army etc. and many birthday and anniversary cards.  What should have been a simple task turned into a trip down memory lane that stirred emotions that I thought would have been suppressed due to transition.  I just couldn't bring myself to put them in the "Discard pile".  Ha! So much for living stealth...  I'm going to have to find a safe secure place to put these things until I decide what to do with them as it could be disastrous should a future Mr Right come into my life.  Although I would definitely come clean to any future partner/husband (as I have done in the past) I really wouldn't want them to know or discover my past unless I told them.  For example my ex-boyfriend Frank knew I was TS and he completely supported me (Damn another memory) yet I was not going to tell him of my previous military career, and i really don't understand why.

But I ramble, I need to ramble :) Anyone else experiencing this post-op topsy turvy world.

Steph

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Sarah Louise

Like it or not, those things were part of your past life.  I don't see any reason to throw out any good memories just because they were from that other life.

Sarah L.
Nameless here for evermore!;  Merely this, and nothing more;
Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"
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Dennis

I just did something similar, going through pics on my computers. My gf was present. Even though she knew me before transition, I think she's pretty well forgotten what I looked like. It was a bit uncomfortable. I think I'll burn em and put them somewhere, but I was tempted to delete.

Dennis
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Cindi Jones

Steph, I know exactly how you feel.  I've purged many times since my surgery.  The last time was five years ago.  I didn't purge because my hubby might see the pictures.  I got rid of them because they were painful for me to look at.

I am very sad that I got rid of those materials.  I'm better prepared now to deal with all the old spiders in that closet... and I no longer have them.

So yes, the best bet is to box them up securely and put them into storage somewhere.

Cindi
Author of Squirrel Cage
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Buffy

Steph,

Its something we all must face up to and it is not easy.

For many years I locked my sons photos away and other stuff from my past life.The same as you, one day I decided to purge and ended up in tears. Memories, good, bad, guilt, happiness came flooding back.

I have no longer any past documents relating to my former life, no photos of me, but the photos of my sons, they are priceless and I now have them on display in my study. I may only have those photos and the memories of my sons in years ahead, so they will always stay with me.

To move on I think we have to face the past and deal with it by letting it go.

Buffy

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Keira


I have so rarely pictures of myself before past the age of 20 (when parents took a lot),
I wondered why that was. I think for the same reason I avoided mirrors.
But, I don't think I will get of the little quantity there is. I don't like looking at them,
most times when they were taken, these were the best of my times as my old self,
If I purge them, I purge all the good memories of my past and only pain will remain
(because pain is so undelibly etched in my mind I need to photos to remind me).

Most of the photos of me from the past are with people I love, some are no longer
in this world, I don't think I can give that away. They are all still in my heart.
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Manyfaces

I am still in the early stages of this process, so I can't say whether I'll feel differently later on, but my thoughts on this are, why would I want to erase or forget all the memories of who I was and how I lived for a large part of my life? 

I think instead I will try to remember the person I was--that I had to be--with love and gratitude, for all the struggles she went through getting me to this point in my life, for all the pain she endured, for surviving and hanging in and doing her very best with some difficult things in life and bringing me to now, which feels to me like finally getting a chance to be who I truly am. 

I can't wait to be rid of my breasts now, but on the other hand, somewhere in the boxes of photographs there is one of me nursing my two (now grown) children simultaneously when they were an infant and a toddler.  It is priceless to me, and I couldn't possibly have regrets about either the photo or the experience.  As uncomfortable as I've always been as a woman, still, not all the experiences I had in my life as a woman have been horrible, and even the painful memories from a life are useful in that they make you appreciate the good things all the more. 

Perhaps it would be different if I was starting this at the age of eighteen instead of fifty, but wherever I go from this point, I'll bring all the baggage from my past with me, in the sense of not trying to erase it or destroy or hide it.  As others here have said, too, if you destroy things, they can't be gotten back, and you may find you'll regret it later.  Pack them away if they make you uncomfortable, but don't get rid of them.  Who you were will always be a part of who you are.
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Pica Pica

well, those photos are still of you arent they? The man you looked like was still you and all the memories you have are your memories, to deny them is the same as your old self denying who you are now. The fact remains that your life has that peculiar journey in it and you are the person that made the journey, at the start and near the end.
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Jonie

Hi Steph,
I know how you feel, wanting to become 100% woman but I think what actually happens is were left just a little bit transsexual. The only way I can see to be a woman and nothing but a woman is to completely leave the past behind. So I guess to transition completely is to move away, cut all ties and leave everything from your past behind. Like what you would expect to see in a witness protection program, or like the stories you hear of the guy who says he's going out for a pack of cigarettes and is never heard from again. Personally never talking to my family or friends again doesn't seem like a fair trade off. I think that's exactly what it would take to never be found out. Maybe you can think of a less extreme way to keep a secret? One thing though, you might want to put the pictures in a safety deposit box. 
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Suzy

Steph,

I have never been in that position, but everyone who has seems to regret totally getting rid of everything.  Like others I would say the best bet is to lock them away where you won't have to deal with them on a frequent basis, but can get to them if you ever have to.  We're with you, girl.  Hang on.

Kristi
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mavieenrose

#10
Personally I went from locking all my old photos away in a cardboard box in a cupboard, to later wanting to rediscover them and to finally fully confronting the difficult reality of my past, to then finally deciding to take them all and just burn them...  (The whole process took me about 10 years all in all following my SRS)

Now I'm in a place where I can accept (albeit relunctantly...) that I endured an unusual TS childhood and teenage years, but where I also know that I won't stumble over painful reminders of the physical prison I once lived in.

For me, the photos weren't at all of my 'old self'; the real me was much much more than a masculine image and I prefer to remember the whole me and not just the external, visible symptoms of my TS existence.

MVER XXX
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LostInTime

I have a few old pics here and there but not many. My mother on the other hand holds a bunch of pictures of me from baby to young adult. I could never take anyone up there to her house because she has my old pics (along with other family members) everywhere.
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