Hey Everyone,
This is obviously my first post here. I'm Dustin, I'm 23 and I think I may be MtF.
This is all very new and real to me as of late. Never really until now, did I put the puzzle pieces together to find out (who I think) I really am.
A little backstory:
Thinking back, I always felt different. I always wanted to hang girls, sit with the girls, play dress up and game with the girls, etc. My parents were somewhat okay with this when I was much younger (think 4 or 5), but became more reluctant and forceful in bringing out my 'boy' side.
Two moments that will ALWAYS stick with me from that point in early childhood are these:
I remember in 1st grade I had a best friend (Lauren was her name as a non important side-note) who I spent what seemed like every minute of the school day with. I remember at one point her parents invited me over for a sleepover, and my parents did not allow me to go because I wasn't a 'girl', and that has stuck with me.
The other moment was the first day of 2nd grade (The time in my opinion were kids become more perceptive). We had moved and it was an entirely new school. In the cafeteria there were two tables per classroom, and inevitably in split between the boys and the girls. Naturally I sat at the girls table the first day and then I got asked by the boys table why I was siting over. I still remember I had no response and I sulked over to the boys table somewhat confused at the situation.
From then on, I had typically always been femme and/or perceived as gay, even before I knew what it was. I tried very hard from the ages of 7-15 to assert my masculinity in a fashion that (what I felt) emulated my peers. Luckily, I never really was bullied or harassed during school, but I think my personality and demeanor assisted me there.
Now when I turned 16, I had stated to an extent, re-embrace the feminine side of me (to small extent) that I felt when I was younger. This was when the emo/scene/punk revival of the mid 00's were going on, so to me, at that point it was great. I was able to grow out my hair, wear cute tight fitting clothing etc. It seemed perfect. I also at this time came out as gay to everyone, which in general was a surprise to no one; however to me, it still does not seem to describe what I really felt.
Flash forward to 17, my parents (for what reason I still don't know) decide we're moving from a metropolitan city, to Montana.....yeah. So, back in the closet I went for almost 5 years. During this time, I flip flopped between trying to decide if I was gay or not as I knew I wasn't straight from a male perspective, but I wasn't sure about the gay. Something was different, but I did not know what. I also became much more reserved in the way I looked and dressed (think unassuming, bland). It was a hard time, and I (a VERY social person) became a recluse; had very friends, and almost never went out.
I then received an opportunity to move back to the city I grew up in. I immediately moved and met up with old friends, but still was much more reserved until November of last year. November of last year marked a turning point, where I realized I was depressed and unsatisfied with my life, and I needed to make a change. For me, I wanted to go to an extreme that I had always wanted to try, but knew nobody to get me started; drag.
I was at a club after a show one night and approached three boys (I'll call them girls interchangeably) who I will forever consider the ones who changed my life. They got me started in drag, they have developed me into a strong, fierce queen in a very short time, and they have become my family and best friends. It was through drag that evoked all these past memories (including the ones I shared with you) that I had long since put aside.
I've been doing drag for 8 months now, and have developed much faster than typical. However, I've also started realizing, just being in face isn't enough. When I see myself painted, I feel like I see the person I should be seeing. When I see my artificial curves and body, it's what I feel like should be there. It's the person who I see to a certain extent when I look at myself as a boy in the mirror (this reality is typically shattered when I see my boy self in photos).
It's all just very confusing. So, I looked up gender counselors who took my insurance, and schedule a consultation meeting with one for next week. I don't know necessarily what will come out of it; but part of me is excited, nervous, nauseous, anxious and scared, For the past few nights, I've so badly wanted to talk to the above mentioned girls about all of this, but am nervous (for what reason I don't know) to tell them.
I feel like it's also maybe important to mention I've never initiated sex (and have a very low libido all together). Again, not sure if that's important or anything, but it stands out to me.
So, that's why I'm here. I stumbled upon this forum and thought it would be a fair (and informational) place to share. So; I plan to keep you all posted on what happens next week.
In the meantime, If you have any questions, feedback, anything would be appreciated.
It's nice to meet all of you. <3
