Long Night

[ComplicatedMe]

Not sure where to begin but last night wasn't very pleasant for me. A friend of mine is getting married so last night was his bachelor party and my friends gave me no choice but to come along. None of them know I am trans, or at least that I'm thinking I am, so it was me with a bunch of male friends. As far as I know they are all straight cismales and I really felt out of place.

The last few years I have really isolated myself. I have very few actual friends and rarely hang out with them. My problem was this was the first time in a while I was in a group of males and socializing as one. Nothing felt right and it wasn't long before I was regretting having gone and wishing I could leave. However because I'm the only one who doesn't drink I had to stay and drive so I spent the night sitting in the corner quiet and pretending to laugh at the jokes when everyone else did.

It all just really got to me the jokes, the conversations, and the pushing from the others to go hit on other girls it just made me very uncomfortable. I've always been a shy guy but last night was different it felt a lot more like I was pretending to be someone else and I didn't like it. After I took everyone home I had a long drive back to were I live and I spent most of it crying. I am not an emotional person i have rarely cried in my life and keep a tight grip on any emotions I have. So what I'm saying is this this really struck me too. I'm worried what kind of emotional wreck I'll be if things are already effecting me like this pre hormones?

I don't know what I am asking with this thread or if I'm asking anything. I guess I just needed to get it of my chest and let others know how foreign last night felt to me. Thanks for listening.

[suzifrommd]

I've been there, dear.

It gets better.

[Chrystal]

Not sure where to begin but last night wasn't very pleasant for me. A friend of mine is getting married so last night was his bachelor party and my friends gave me no choice but to come along. None of them know I am trans, or at least that I'm thinking I am, so it was me with a bunch of male friends. As far as I know they are all straight cismales and I really felt out of place.

The last few years I have really isolated myself. I have very few actual friends and rarely hang out with them. My problem was this was the first time in a while I was in a group of males and socializing as one. Nothing felt right and it wasn't long before I was regretting having gone and wishing I could leave. However because I'm the only one who doesn't drink I had to stay and drive so I spent the night sitting in the corner quiet and pretending to laugh at the jokes when everyone else did.

It all just really got to me the jokes, the conversations, and the pushing from the others to go hit on other girls it just made me very uncomfortable. I've always been a shy guy but last night was different it felt a lot more like I was pretending to be someone else and I didn't like it. After I took everyone home I had a long drive back to were I live and I spent most of it crying. I am not an emotional person i have rarely cried in my life and keep a tight grip on any emotions I have. So what I'm saying is this this really struck me too. I'm worried what kind of emotional wreck I'll be if things are already effecting me like this pre hormones?

I don't know what I am asking with this thread or if I'm asking anything. I guess I just needed to get it of my chest and let others know how foreign last night felt to me. Thanks for listening.

I can relate to not being very emotional myself (in terms of crying).

Maybe it just wasn't the right place for you to be in ComplicatedMe. Next time be careful of where you go and know that the feelings that you are having a real.

[Tessa James]

Honey, crying is actually measurably and gratefully therapeutic.  It is part of what differentiates us from other animals.  Crying is part of being a whole person and part of you was perhaps, well hidden last night?
It makes sense to grieve for the girl who no one yet knows and no one knows they are hurting.
You gotta grip alright but please do not let anyone tell you that chocking back tears will keep us from being emotional wrecks.  Secrets can get toxic.

[Chrystal]

Honey, crying is actually measurably and gratefully therapeutic.  It is part of what differentiates us from other animals.  Crying is part of being a whole person and part of you was perhaps, well hidden last night?
It makes sense to grieve for the girl who no one yet knows and no one knows they are hurting.
You gotta grip alright but please do not let anyone tell you that chocking back tears will keep us from being emotional wrecks.  Secrets can get toxic.

Couldn't agree more.

[RachelH]

It is completely normal.  The nearer you become to transitioning and accepting yourself the harder it will become to act in a male way.

I thought I would be able to spend 4 months as a male on board a ship.  I freaked out and cried so much and and had to end my contract a month early as I was so stressed.  The most complicated moments actually came when on a few occasions I actually had fun and happy times with a group of lads, and then I found myself crying afterwards as I felt I had betrayed my true self by been able to have fun as "him".

It really does get better once you transition, the emotions are still intense, but it's at more appropriate things, and not based on a dysphoric situation.

[RosieD]

Crying is good, it lets free all the emotions that are too intense and too raw to express. I always find that once they have flown I am left with the ones I can work with and try to understand.

And another thing http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TqhOVY58zIo&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DTqhOVY58zIo.

Rosie.

[Ltl89]

Hmm.  Well, I have a suggestion that may work for you.  Whenever you feel uncomfortable in a situation, tell your friends.  You don't have to come out, but you can tell them that you aren't in the mood or don't feel like hitting on girls.  Don't let peer pressure dictate how you feel.  Good friends should respect your feelings.   

Having said that, I do know what you are going through.  It would be more difficult to have that conversation at a bachelor's party.  I was invited to one and skipped it.  I've always felt bad about it, but I didn't like the idea of seeing women treated like objects and have people request me to join in.  Even at the wedding, it felt very odd for me to have to hang out with the groomsmen, so I spent most of the time with the bridesmaids helping them get ready.

[Joanna Dark]

I'm worried what kind of emotional wreck I'll be if things are already effecting me like this pre hormones?

I'm an extremely emotional person and since I've been on hormones I feel like I have been much less emotional. Except for the other day. Then I turned into a psycho chick and got all emotional about stuff and was crying all night and woke up crying. That might be the hormones. Specifically, the P. But I feel great again and all is well with my man and the world.

[BunnyBee]

I think when you start feeling so out of place and wrong with the role you are being expected to play that you start falling to bits, you have officially reached a point where you have held onto trying to be male for too long.  Be careful, because if your subconscious is really that fed up it can get much worse really fast until you start fixing things.  If you aren't in therapy, I would really encourage you to start looking into it seriously.

I had a similar thing happen to me at a basketball game, and it was very close to the last straw for me.  I may be projecting my own experience here quite a lot, so you can take it with a grain of salt, but it sounds so familiar that I really do think it's possible that you are going through the same thing I did, and if so, just... hold on.  Start making progress and start creating little glimmers of hope you can hold onto.

[Tessa James]

A long time ago I was trying to come out and tried to explained to my friends about not being a man.  I didn't really get there.   My "buddies" later insisted that I go with them to a topless bar.   I felt it was another stupid man test but foolishly complied and sat with a ridiculous fake smile and a near panic in my heart for what was one of the worst experiences in my life.
I wasted a lot of time in one sense.  I wish i knew then what I know now but that's a different thread

Jen is right on.  If we feel that bad about such an experience it is a signal to get talking with a good therapist IMHO.

[Alisha]

i still avoiding that kinda situation, that must be uncomfortable as hell. i never hang with group of males without my close friend who already knew my condition.

[Sammy]

Yeah, I have to agree with the all the above fully. After I finally accepted myself I do get triggers while being in the male company – I still could pretend and play along, but I just dont want to. I am only comfortable with my closest friends, but the story is different there  - they know who I am and I am open with them that our friendship relationship is now a relationship between a man and a woman with all the consequences – different dynamics, energy and – yes, I have to admit – chemistry. They are comfortable with that and so I am.
And dont forget that as long as there get more than two, the pack mentality will kick in and their behaviour will change for the worst usually – its will be all about sense of buddy-ness, competitiveness, cheeky cockyness and constant mutual measuring/dominance/supremacy - male bonding .

[Tessa James]

Oh yes Emily there is a cost and too high a price sometimes for that illusion of male bonding.  It is funny to me that I see some of the same misogynistic behavior wether we are talking about a group of cismales or gay guys.  "...all about sense of buddy-ness, competitiveness, cheeky cockyness and constant mutual measuring/dominance/supremacy - male bonding"  oh yes that nails it

[KabitTarah]

Oh yes Emily there is a cost and too high a price sometimes for that illusion of male bonding.  It is funny to me that I see some of the same misogynistic behavior wether we are talking about a group of cismales or gay guys.  "...all about sense of buddy-ness, competitiveness, cheeky cockyness and constant mutual measuring/dominance/supremacy - male bonding"  oh yes that nails it

I never realized before how much that bothers me until I came out to myself. There was a nice episode this weekend at a family thing... I purposefully didn't join in. Not out to them, but I'm really starting to think they're assuming I'm gay

That's my wife's side... they're still left wondering why we're at odds.

[Sammy]

Huh, yes I remember that some of my former friends tried to challenge me into mock-fist fighting right on the street - despite being able to deal with that without probs, my usual mental response was: "Jeez, not here please! People are looking and we both look like two idiots..."
Yeah, and about that misogyny... I am starting to think that they dont realise that - at all. I was sitting and chatting with my best male friend last Sunday, and he made a remark about how much I have changed in terms of gestures, presentation, walk etc - that I am sending that female vibe or at least I am not what I used to be. We switched to clothing and like what are the gender differences and he proceeded with a very confident and competent statement: "A girl has to dress in such manner so to conceal her flaws and emphasise her natural advantages" /which sounds quite reasonable, does it not?/ "In other words, a man seeing her dress should get that natural desire to undress her". Yeah... riiiight... I think I snorted at that remark, but I know he was totally honest with me and he is kinda very polite and well-behaved guy. Yet, this remark was soooo typical and based on hormones, libido etc
I am really happy that I am mostly thinking now with that gray matter between my ears, as well as my heart and emotions - at least that fella down there is not dominating my mind anymore...

[Tessa James]

Amen sister!  Let that little head lie low;-)

[Sammy]

Amen sister!  Let that little head lie low;-)

Yeah, but it is not his fault of being born with a wrong brain... Actually, I kinda really feel sorry for him - he did his best and it is not his fault that he failed and is unneeded .

[tgirljuliewilson]

Crying and other emotional outbursts are normal and to be expected.

Similarly, other "male" situations will make you feel uncomfortable.

When forced, all you can do is try to accept the situation you're in and deal with it accordingly....

The only easy day was yesterday.....

[Rachel]

I agree with Jen; I think you are or have been transitioning mentally.