Believe to be transsexual, still have questions

[Mortified_Penguin]

Hello,
I believe myself to be a transsexual, but I still have some questions that I hope the community can answer.
Unfortunately, this is going to be a long post,
(clears throat)

My first question is, Do i deserve to transition?
I have been questioning my gender for years, since about age 11-12. I am now 18, and since I have moved to college, I feel as though its time to deal with these feelings.
I grew up in a family with a mom, dad, and as the youngest of three brothers. As the youngest, I found myself to always follow, it being safest for me to just follow others and not have my own opinion, since having such a opinion would receive scorn from my brothers.
However, going along with others, I was treated well.
The problem rises when I read many stories of transsexuals who felt the uncontrollable need to express their true gender at an age much earlier than my own realization of my gender. Due to my own comfortable position in the family, I felt no need to express myself, and for years, I would suppress my feelings. true, the urge would come and go, but at that time, I turned my emotions seemingly off whenever they would be problematic.

My next question is, Am i doing this for the right reasons?
for years, I have felt that my penis was something gross and wrong. (sorry if this is TMI) whenever I would use it for self-pleasure, I would do so only in complete darkness and would always imagine myself as a girl. This has led to me knowning that I would have no regrets to losing my penis.
One of the major reasons I hope to start HRT as soon as I can is because I want to never have erections. This is due to them seeming to invalidate my wishing to transition.
However, sex seems to have little to play in my choice. growing up, I have never kissed, never dated, and never had sexual encounters. This is partly due to me never being comfortable around women (I never want to "do" things with them, I wanted to be them).
in summary: while I would like to be able to have sex just like any other girl, sex seems to play little in my decision to become a girl (I know this to be true, because my wish to be a girl began before I knew what girls looked like naked)

My next question is, Am I "girly" enough for transition?
Due to me growing up in a conservative, christian, male-dominated family, I understand that my interests would be different from other girls.
In short, I am a history buff (and even military history, since my family has a rich military background), love anime and manga, creative writing, the arts, and all kinds of music, even metal. as a kid, I grew up with Legos, Thomas the Tank Engine, GI Joes (I didn't play with those much), stuffed animals, video games, and building scale models until I had to go to college( I was more into the art of painting them and story telling throuhg building dioramas with them)
again, from stories read of other transsexuals, that felt the need to be "girly", seemingly to affirm themselves of their own gender and identity.
Recently, now that I allow myself to act on feelings formally repressed, I do allow myself to be more girly: I now enjoy picking out outfits (well, window shop due to having not too much money), and some of my previous interests, like 1st person shooter video games, aren't important anymore.
in short: I realize that, due to my household, Its predictable that I grew up with things and interests that were geared towards boys. Does this mean I can't be a girl?

my final big question is, Am i selfish if I transition?
My parents recently discovered my feelings by reading my Instant Messaging between me and a close friend who I came out to. my mother continues to hold the opinion that I am simply confused, and that I need to not worry about things like this. I told her of the idea of HRT, that (from what I understand) it works as a sort of acid test: if you aren't meant for transition, you will hate it, but if you are, you will enjoy it. I explained that it should only last 6 months, after which it might cause me to be infertile. She is adamantly against this, seeing my possible "chemical castration" as a huge tragedy. she also seems to think that I am not girly enough to be a girl.
I also beleive that my brothers would both be very angry at me if I explained myself to them, to the point of possible excommunication (one of them joked once about ->-bleeped-<- drags)
this leads to my question. I was taught that personal suffering for the betterment of others is preferred. I also understand that, if I were to transition, it will lead to some wishing to never speak to me again. So, is it selfish of me to want to transition? should I remain a boy, if it may mean others still love me?

Please reply, and thank you for reading,
Please do not pity me, I only wish for your honest opinion.

[Allison]

I much like yourself came to question my gender around that age as well; it came when me and my brothers were doing some kid roleplaying and I ended roleplaying Mimi from Digimon and for some reason it felt right. Only you can know who you truly are, and if you believe yourself to be trans you deserve to transition.

Nobody can really tell you if a reason to do it is right or wrong but if you are a gay man who simply wants to attract more men and you want to transition for that, that is the only time I would consider doing it the "wrong reason". If you feel like transitioning would make you happy and comfortable in your own skin go for it; you are doing it for the right reasons.... YOUR HAPPINESS.

You might get pegged as having masculine interests for a girl, but gender roles and expectations are so old and outdated it isn't even funny. I've always been close to my friend ana who likes girly things and things men should like; like shounen anime and video games. I am much like yourself, but even with my semi-masculine interests I still feel like a girl simply because of how I act. Think of it this way; a woman isn't a measure of her appearance or likes... a woman is who she is and what she stands for and nothing else.

It is a little selfish if you transition but sometimes you need to take that step to make yourself happy. For 22 years I have lived to make my brothers happy I've basically lived for them and questioned who I was every step of the way but to me it was the right choice because that's who they needed growing up. Over the past year I've thought about who I am and what I want in life and I finally decided to make the first steps into being happy in my own body and becoming one with myself. Was it selfish; COMPLETELY, but if they love you they will accept you completely for who you are and will be there for you every step of the way.

I hope this helps; it pains me to see people going through this with less support than I have. I can't imagine how hard it is. But if you need anyone, the people here will be for you.

[kathyk]

Hi Penguin.  A moderator will probably be along soon to welcome you, but from one of the everyday girls I'll say welcome to the forum for myself.

I think there are fairly simple answers to your first three questions.
First, if you must transition you deserve to have that chance.  And if it's right you will at some point know that transition is the only path you can take.
Second, your reasons seem very clear and you need to talk to a qualified gender therapist. 
Third, being girly is something you can hold inside and never express.  A lot of us were very manly and hid the girl inside for many years.  You're kind of lucky in that you're now able to express, or talk about what you kept inside.

But Fourth, selfishness is a terribly difficult thing for families to understand.  Is it selfish to become the person you truly are?  Or is it selfish of others to prevent your happiness in order to build your future for you in a way "they" desire?  You're probably going to struggle with this every time you talk to one of your family members.  If they reject you it's because their vision of what "they" want you to be isn't fulfilled.  .... All I ask is for you to think about selfishness and your family in these terms. 

I wish you happiness, and hope for the acceptance you deserve from your family.

[Sarah]

First of all, Welcome I'm your big sister Andria Hugs

Now I know it is really hard accepting these feelings for yourself it has taken me a while to get over the fear that this is what I want but that doesn't mean we shouldn't. Ok I think I'll do this by question otherwise I'll just ramble.

Q1.
First of all everyone no matter who they are deserves the right to explore who they are. We all ask this of ourselves whether consciously or not, when weighing up our options. I was similar simply burying those feelings when it suited me until only about a month ago truly paying attention to them but at 18 there is certainly no need to race into things. You will have plenty of time to think of that.

Q2.
In terms of sex I think you need to try and get out there and get some experience. My first sexual experience was one of the things that really brought forward how I looked at the situation and what I felt. And yes there is a huge difference between liking a girl and wanting to be one. However when we are also attracted to women it does become confusing. You mentioned you have come out to a friend if they are a girl they may be able to offer a few perspectives that will give a better insight on how you view your sexuality. I for one despite being male, consider my sexuality closer to that of a lesbian. But what I cant stress more is seeing a specialist about this they can definitely help you organize this in your head. And talk to your mum if its uncomfortable do it over the phone or by email so your dont need to be physically face to face.

Q3.
Ok this does not mean can't be a girl. Personally I dont think if your girly really comes into it too much. Yes there is a degree however you may still simply be repressing this part of yourself and this is just behaviours you have grown up with to fit in with your brothers views and actions. Also in todays society it is not uncommon for some women to be quite masculine (however another way you might like to view it which helps me is 'independent').

Q4.
Finally, no you are not being selfish. Your choice is still your choice, your parents may influence that or offer their opinions but in the end if you choose to transition it is your choice and if they still oppose you they are being selfish for not supporting/accepting this decision. This is a difficult choice to make but I really do think you should discuss it further with your mum or friend or a specialist.

Hopes this helps honey best of luck with the family

Hugs
Andria

[Alisha]

maybe it is better for you to see a psychiatrist first. they will guided you to your most comfortable state, don't worry they wont push you  or force you to become a man.

[MaryXYX]

Hi Penguin, and welcome from me too!

You already have some good answers, but I'll add my little bit.

Do you deserve to transition?  You deserve to be the person you really are.  If that means transition then yes.  The advice to spend time with a gender therapist is good, and should help you to explore who you really are.

Are you doing this for the right reasons?  Only you can answer that, and the therapist can guide you to ask the right questions.  What you say sounds right to me though.

Are you "Girly" enough for transition.  We already have some answers to this, but my version is: That's not the point.  Your interests are what you have grown up with.  They might change or they might not.  I was always totally scruffy and never cared about my appearance.  Now I have something to be proud of and I spend time choosing the right clothes and accessories because I want to look good.  On the other hand I am still a computer geek and likely to be found on the floor surrounded by pieces of computer.

Are you selfish if you transition.  Yes you are doing something for yourself, but if the choice is transition or suicide - as it is for some - then go for it.  I used to be a member of a very controlling Christian sect.  They used all sorts of guilt trips to keep us under control, and excommunicated me as soon as they heard I was "wondering about my gender identity".  There is a lot to lose if you make the decision to transition, I lost almost all of my family too.  For me it came down to I didn't have a choice, lose my family, church and friends, or lose myself.

I didn't see a gender therapist, although I was seeing a private therapist because of depression and stress.  Even so I say you should.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

question 1:

Hi there.
I am zoey also a first year at collage now you say you red articles on transexuals who knew from like 2 etc but let me tell you something I think all of us did but how can we trully remember. Now the fact you still feel like this to me would be proof enough to try get therapy for it. Also you are always allowedc to be who you want so why would you not be allowed this? So I say try get your parents to let you see a therapist who knows GID.


Question 2:
Those reason seems perfect to me, I personally cant even look at my penis and the day my erections stopped was by far my favourite moment of my journey. I dont really see anything wrong with wanting to have sex in the body you want and well its natural. Everyone has their own reasons to do this and your reasons be whatever they are always perfect for you.

Question 3:
Haha dont be silly, I thought the same when I first came to this Website but in time I realised screw it I am a girl and just because I am a girl doesnt mean I must like pink etc. I a tomboy to the core and because I have likes that arent girly like compedative gaming doesnt make me any less of a woman. The whole concept itself of relating girlyness to being trans is well outdated. Becoming who you are means what it says and if your not girly then oh well who cares because you're being your self.

Question 4:
How is stopping your false life and letting the world know thee real you selfish? Well most people never understand what it feels like to be born the wrong gender but let me give a suggestion. The whole infertile thing,I had the same issue with my mother and so I then  said fine lets use a sperm bank. Sperm banks mean you can become infertile but still have a CHANce of having a child. Your family will take long to grasp this because the way my mother described what telling her was, she said I died in her eyes because her son was now becoming her daughter.


My advice is get them to take you to therapy parents will always take a therapists words over yours at this stage just simply off denile. sorry if my message is hard to understandd.

[victoria n]

Mods get ready.
No body should hate anything about themselves ,being trans , being a male, having a penis, pleasuring themselves, having girly feelings.
IMO transitioning because you find your genitals repulse is not a good reason.
The transskids you read about expressing themselves at 2 years old stretches credulity.
Hrt and transitioning is not a simple as people think.
You are still very young. don't rush into anything. I was a lot like you. I understand what it is like. but I was very conflicted by this.
personal suffering for the betterment of others. try to avoid that if you can. 
there are downsides to transitioning it is not all lollipops and rainbows. some people do well some do not. Hrt can make people depressed and moody. or it can make you feel great .
some end up  after SRS, with regret and still have GD. some are very happy.
personal suffering I have to remember that.
Transition for yourself  don't delude yourself. 
I have been hearing born in the wrong body forever.
These days a trans person can do all sorts of things like crossdress, just get HRT, be a non op or get SRS or stay in boy mode. binge and purge. SRS is  controversial.
personally I would not transition if I had to go it over again. It was not easy. or should I say everything is wonderful now .

[Nero]

Q2.
In terms of sex I think you need to try and get out there and get some experience. My first sexual experience was one of the things that really brought forward how I looked at the situation and what I felt.

I see what you're saying, but I really don't think getting sexual experience is necessary (in this instance). For perspective, many people know whether they're gay or straight way before they have sex, sometimes even before having sexual feelings.

Mortified penguin: There's no rush to have sex. Especially for a girl. Wait until you're ready.

[pebbles]

Question 1-4.

I too worried about not begin "Trans-enough" in my younger days as I only had gender dysphoria at age 11 up and I wasn't particularly girly as a child. It's not an issue, don't feel you have to match your narrative to others...  You are you, not me or that girl you read about.

This is why I'm always wary about saying "Oh goto a psychatrist" ultimately you should always do what's right by you not by them, ultimately your the one who's going to have to live with those consequences and alot of those psychiatrists they've seen it from the outside but not gone through it themselves.

What are the consequences?
You will be a woman, It's not an exciting thing (Well It is at first) but it becomes a meh everyday thing, get dressed goto work chat with friends, angst about money it feels alittle different you look ALOT different (sic female) and bits of your mind get jiggled around but that's hormones for you... and sometimes people treat you alittle differently but that's sexism for you.
While my personality is alittle different (not depressed anymore) I'm fundamentally the same person with the same interests and  personality quirks + Flaws

However any dysphoria and depression you feel from it will probably be gone.
And while I can't say for sure some of your family & friends might not accept you.

Is that what you want?

Question 5: Yes, but that's not a bad thing if the alternative means living in lies and misery.

I can't deny some of what you describe seems somewhat similar to me when I was your age. but only you can answer those questions and decide what you want to do about those answers, I'm not equipped to tell you own story.

[MaidofOrleans]

My first question is, Do i deserve to transition?

I think everyone deserves to be happy. If you feel transition will make you happier than go for it. Understand that it's a long and difficult process. Be aware of the the consequences and think long and hard before making a decision. Being a woman in this world is hard and being a trans woman is even harder. Not to discourage you though 

My next question is, Am i doing this for the right reasons?

Only you know how you feel, there really is no "right reason" except in the minds of the ignorant. You feel the way you do and know whats best for you and makes you happy. Screw the rest.

My next question is, Am I "girly" enough for transition?

Not every girl is girly. I'm certainly not. You and I have very similar interests but that didn't stop me. Everyone's feelings and the way they deal with dysphoria are different. Don't feel like you need to fit a certain criteria. A lot of trans women do overcompensate to either be more accepted or feel more female. That's just their way to dealing. Some trans women are just girly like cis women are girly. To each their own, doesn't make you less or more of a woman.

my final big question is, Am i selfish if I transition?

Being young and free of major responsibilities I could say that you are not selfish to transition. The fact that you are asking that question makes you unselfish. Selfish people don't care if their selfish. If you are worried about upsetting others that's their problem not yours, you are your own person and responsible for yourself. Arguments could be made about the selfishness of those who transition with responsibilities such as children and spouses but I'm not going to get into that.  Now is probably the best time in your life to consider transition if that's what you want. I wish I had the courage at your age to come out but I barely had the courage to leave my room, let alone transition genders.

Good luck to you 

[kathyk]

......
my final big question is, Am i selfish if I transition?

Being young and free of major responsibilities I could say that you are not selfish to transition. The fact that you are asking that question makes you unselfish. Selfish people don't care if their selfish. If you are worried about upsetting others that's their problem not yours, you are your own person and responsible for yourself. Arguments could be made about the selfishness of those who transition with responsibilities such as children and spouses but I'm not going to get into that.  ......

Good answer Maid.
This is exactly what my therapist tells me every time I talk to her about damaging my realationships.  And the selfish thing does translate to children and spouses, but in slightly different ways. 

[Tyler92]

Hello,
I believe myself to be a transsexual, but I still have some questions that I hope the community can answer.
Unfortunately, this is going to be a long post,
(clears throat)

My first question is, Do i deserve to transition?
I have been questioning my gender for years, since about age 11-12. I am now 18, and since I have moved to college, I feel as though its time to deal with these feelings.
I grew up in a family with a mom, dad, and as the youngest of three brothers. As the youngest, I found myself to always follow, it being safest for me to just follow others and not have my own opinion, since having such a opinion would receive scorn from my brothers.
However, going along with others, I was treated well.
The problem rises when I read many stories of transsexuals who felt the uncontrollable need to express their true gender at an age much earlier than my own realization of my gender. Due to my own comfortable position in the family, I felt no need to express myself, and for years, I would suppress my feelings. true, the urge would come and go, but at that time, I turned my emotions seemingly off whenever they would be problematic.

My next question is, Am i doing this for the right reasons?
for years, I have felt that my penis was something gross and wrong. (sorry if this is TMI) whenever I would use it for self-pleasure, I would do so only in complete darkness and would always imagine myself as a girl. This has led to me knowning that I would have no regrets to losing my penis.
One of the major reasons I hope to start HRT as soon as I can is because I want to never have erections. This is due to them seeming to invalidate my wishing to transition.
However, sex seems to have little to play in my choice. growing up, I have never kissed, never dated, and never had sexual encounters. This is partly due to me never being comfortable around women (I never want to "do" things with them, I wanted to be them).
in summary: while I would like to be able to have sex just like any other girl, sex seems to play little in my decision to become a girl (I know this to be true, because my wish to be a girl began before I knew what girls looked like naked)

My next question is, Am I "girly" enough for transition?
Due to me growing up in a conservative, christian, male-dominated family, I understand that my interests would be different from other girls.
In short, I am a history buff (and even military history, since my family has a rich military background), love anime and manga, creative writing, the arts, and all kinds of music, even metal. as a kid, I grew up with Legos, Thomas the Tank Engine, GI Joes (I didn't play with those much), stuffed animals, video games, and building scale models until I had to go to college( I was more into the art of painting them and story telling throuhg building dioramas with them)
again, from stories read of other transsexuals, that felt the need to be "girly", seemingly to affirm themselves of their own gender and identity.
Recently, now that I allow myself to act on feelings formally repressed, I do allow myself to be more girly: I now enjoy picking out outfits (well, window shop due to having not too much money), and some of my previous interests, like 1st person shooter video games, aren't important anymore.
in short: I realize that, due to my household, Its predictable that I grew up with things and interests that were geared towards boys. Does this mean I can't be a girl?

my final big question is, Am i selfish if I transition?
My parents recently discovered my feelings by reading my Instant Messaging between me and a close friend who I came out to. my mother continues to hold the opinion that I am simply confused, and that I need to not worry about things like this. I told her of the idea of HRT, that (from what I understand) it works as a sort of acid test: if you aren't meant for transition, you will hate it, but if you are, you will enjoy it. I explained that it should only last 6 months, after which it might cause me to be infertile. She is adamantly against this, seeing my possible "chemical castration" as a huge tragedy. she also seems to think that I am not girly enough to be a girl.
I also beleive that my brothers would both be very angry at me if I explained myself to them, to the point of possible excommunication (one of them joked once about ->-bleeped-<- drags)
this leads to my question. I was taught that personal suffering for the betterment of others is preferred. I also understand that, if I were to transition, it will lead to some wishing to never speak to me again. So, is it selfish of me to want to transition? should I remain a boy, if it may mean others still love me?

Please reply, and thank you for reading,
Please do not pity me, I only wish for your honest opinion.

Woah, I cannot believe how much of this sounds like me.   

Do you deserve to transition? Yes, I think you do. I believe everyone is entitled to happiness (to an extent on some things, but this isn't one of those). Why should you live in unhappiness?

Are you doing this for the right reason? I think you are. There's a part of your body that you can't you stand and you want it removed. If that's not right, I don't know what is. I mean, some people get liposuction and boob jobs because they're unhappy with their body.
I actually cleared some things up for me in this reply myself lol. Cause one of the things that's been pushing me to do this is the sex. I've never had it, but as a woman it seems so much more fun and exciting than as a man, and this whole time I've been wondering if that was a wrong reason. Now, I don't as much.

Are you girly enough? I'll just point you to MaidofOrleans' post

Are you selfish? This is also something I've been going over and over in my head, and I've come to the conclusion: Yes. But you know, this whole time I have kept this deep down, dealing with the depression of hiding it, not being who I want to be because of the risk of others' feelings. I have been selfless for so many years, that I think I deserve to be a little selfish. You do too. As someone said earlier in the thread, you may seem like the selfish one, but the people against are the ones who are truly selfish. There's no reason for any of us to suck it up and be unhappy for the rest of our lives just because of others. That's unhealthy. So, yes, it may be selfish, but you deserve it. It's your turn to be happy, and theirs to be the selfless ones.

[MaryXYX]

I too worried about not begin "Trans-enough" in my younger days as I only had gender dysphoria at age 11 up and I wasn't particularly girly as a child. It's not an issue, don't feel you have to match your narrative to others...  You are you, not me or that girl you read about.

"Only" had gender dysphoria at age 11 up indeed!  The first shrink I saw said I couldn't be trans-sexual because trans-sexuals go the the shrink in their 20s.  The only published figures I could find say the average age is 42, so there must be plenty more like me.  I started to question myself at about age 53 and went full time at 62.