How did you adjust to your body after SRS?

[Agent_J]

I'm struggling with adjusting to how my body is different following SRS. I think a lot of this has to do with having gone into it in not the best way. The how and why of that is a long story that isn't worth repeating, but what it meant was that I went into it believing (because I had been told by people whom I thought were reliable guides) that it would mean no change just everything being better. I'm finding that the reality isn't that...

So, how did you adjust?

[calico]

I don't know how helpful this will be but here is my perspective.

the only thing I am having issues adjusting to is dilation, everything else just seems normal now, and that the before seems odd, I have heard about phantom limb, but I didn't experience that. I did do one thing once and that was I was about to pee standing and was like ohh cant do that anymore I wish I could offer more but things simply fell into place fore me. 

[Northern Jane]

Everything just felt more 'right' for me and to tell you the truth, I hardly paid any attention to it (after I learned what muscle I had to relax to pee LOL!). Within weeks I was living in a bikini and showing it off 

[Teela Renee]

I don't know how helpful this will be but here is my perspective.

the only thing I am having issues adjusting to is dilation, everything else just seems normal now, and that the before seems odd, I have heard about phantom limb, but I didn't experience that. I did do one thing once and that was I was about to pee standing and was like ohh cant do that anymore I wish I could offer more but things simply fell into place fore me. 

im pre and  gave that icky habit of standing urination years ago. I much prefer a nice relaxing sit.  Its a free moment to be lazy.

[anjaq]

I am not sure what you are referring to, maybe you can be more specific. Which may not be that easy as this is of course not called "private parts" for no reason . Now I cannot really say how things would have been directly post OP as I was denied a smooth surgery, but when the worst of the troubles settled, I was good. I had some issues peeing (what I called something like the showerhead effect), which had to be fixed but mostly fixed itself and I had some issues with dilation when I started that half a year after surgery. Oh and yes - for a while riding a bike was a bit odd and yes I also sometimes get an itch from a nerve that I cannot scratch because it is somewhere inside of me - still get this now (after more than a decade), but its more of a nuisance than any real trouble

[adison]

what exactly does "adjusting to how my body is different" mean?? I think that zeroing in on this phrase, what it means, getting more detail from the OP might help answer this question.

[calico]

im pre and  gave that icky habit of standing urination years ago. I much prefer a nice relaxing sit.  Its a free moment to be lazy.

I understand, and I did the same but at home I sometimes just wanted to rush in and out, and the one time where I was about to pee I totally didn't realize it and it really was kinda a lol moment

I also sometimes get an itch from a nerve that I cannot scratch ...;

I have had this time to time, really kinda annoying


Agent J hun in your personal situation, I really think time , talking to a good therapist and close friends probably is going to be the best way 

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

Re: How did you adjust to your body after SRS?

The only 'adjustment' was having to set up a dilation regime(neo-vagina post op maintenance care) which became less and less as time went by...That's about it really...Other than that not much had/has changed...

Metta Zenda

[Agent_J]

Let's see...

$DEITIES do I hate dilation! It makes me wish I had done no-cavity (my surgeon offered that.)

I'm currently 4 months post-op and still am numb. I don't have phantom tactile sensations as such, e.g. no sense that a touch or pain/jolt/shock is in my penis (I did have a couple in the first 48 hours and and each time I thought about where those parts now were; seemed to be effective as I don't have the sensation that they are in the former spots anymore, but I have no sense of where they are when I get them now.

I do have sensations that my penis should still be there, particularly when sexual arousal happens, and I struggle with this.

ETA: I have a strong sense that my body is just not right, and I feel that I'm struggling to even accept it (I accept that it's done and irreversible, but true acceptance is so much more.)

[anjaq]

What the heck is a "no-cavity" surgery?

At 4 months I think the numbness should not be that much anymore, that sounds not so nice, but of course the truth is that healing completely will take more than 6 months or rather up to a year which is in part I think why this dilation goes on for so long. I had some numb spots until many months after and if I am honest there is at least one spot still that does not feel quite all right, I probably lost some nerves and it feels a bit like touching through a blanket, but its only a small spot, no worries. So not much can be said about final nerve problems until 12 months or so, I would say. Regarding the sexual arousal "phantom limb" sensation, I think I can relate to that for my first months, it simply takes a lot of time for the body to adjust the body map to such a change. I think what helped me was to actively think of where all the parts are now when I did use a vibrator, I even took out a mirror at times to visually see it. I think that helps the brain a lot to "get it". Most of it settled down with the realization that really it is done - surgery is over, male parts are gone, female parts are there and this is all how it should have been anyways.

Regarding the feeling that the body is not right - I am not good at commenting at this without knowing more what it is that bothers you. Generally of course the body is "not right" in terms that it just underwent a major surgery (in my case rather 3 of them plus some extra temporary cavities and implants as a result of the complications). I think musch of this settles with healing and with daily routine coming back. But it sounds almost a bit as if you have different issues - most people I knew reported that in some way they do feel strange and maybe not quite right because of surgery, but that they also feel that the body is at the same time more right and that they are actually more happy about that than concerned about the post op body map adjustments. I guess my advice would be to think a lot about your idealised mental body image (that of a women with female parts) that you had before surgery of yourself (if you had that), use mirrors, feel and touch a lot with the hands to get the brain used to how things are now, look at the positive sides and wait. It cannot be undone now anyways, but see that irreversibility as a good thing, as a rite of passage, as a rebirth. Have a birthday party

The only concern I would have is if your reason to do surgery was not because you already had a mental body image of yourself as it should be (with female parts and all) and the desire to actually finally match the body in some part to that map, but if you did it more or less to conform, because it is the law (as it is in Germany if you intend to get a passport with a "female" on it), because society or transciety demands it (social pressures) of because it makes it easier to enter a sauna, swimming pool or certain types of feminine clothes. In that case it may take a bit of catching up on that mental self body image...

[Agent_J]

"No cavity" means no vaginal cavity is created. Certain surgeons offer that as an option.

I do think of what those parts are now, but it hasn't helped. Sexual satisfaction depended on the stroke sensation along my penis shaft which I still strongly desire. Additionally, I had years of having no libido once I started HRT, and I very much liked being asexual, so the reappearance of libido plus not being happy with that is part of not "feeling right." I am uncomfortable with looking at my vulva and got where I could insert dilators without looking for that reason.

I really don't want to get into the past as a lot of people, particularly staff here, have repeatedly said that I dwell on it. My decision to have SRS was heavily motivated by pressures by providers to either include it in my transition or detransition.

[marilyn]

Hi: I'm going on 24th in Montreal.. and thanks everyone.. a lot of great information and feedback here. xx Marilyn

[Beth Andrea]

I am not sure what you are referring to, maybe you can be more specific. Which may not be that easy as this is of course not called "private parts" for no reason . Now I cannot really say how things would have been directly post OP as I was denied a smooth surgery, but when the worst of the troubles settled, I was good. I had some issues peeing (what I called something like the showerhead effect), which had to be fixed but mostly fixed itself and I had some issues with dilation when I started that half a year after surgery. Oh and yes - for a while riding a bike was a bit odd and yes I also sometimes get an itch from a nerve that I cannot scratch because it is somewhere inside of me - still get this now (after more than a decade), but its more of a nuisance than any real trouble

Is the itch like that?

[Kate G]

After SRS my body required no adjusting to.

[Agent_J]

I have a hard time finding concrete ways to describe it. The best I can say is that, post-op, I find my body doesn't feel as right as it did pre-op. I believe non-op would have been better, but there were multiple reasons external to my body that continually made that option unattractive.

A major problem for me is that I'm regaining libido after 3 years without it (the time I was on Spiro) and I do not want it back. I very much wish to be asexual indefinitely - to never have sexual relationships or, even, experiences.

[anjaq]

Beth, that video is very funny - Luckily it is not like that

Agent_J, I am sorry to hear that. It seems like you have been pushed towards surgery without being ready for it, which IMO ist the reason why you are having a harder time to adjust. In a way surgery is a ritual, I believe - it is a part of what we aptly call "transition" and which is the path from one state of being to an other, like children becoming teenagers or like teenagers becoming adults. It is a rite of passage and every society that has socially integrated rites of passage looks out for people who undergo them to be ready for them. Sadly this rite of passage in this society is not like this really, so it can happen that things are rushed. On the other hand it is normal for the "initiate" to feel uncertain and maybe fearful, certainly one feels in a way "out of place" as a post-rite life is just something new that one has no experience with - zip. So one has to make new experiences and get used to this and I think this is generally a good idea to not expect that everything is as it used to - or as with many of us here I believe - as we imagined it to be. Just like a kid may expect certain things from "becoming an adult" in a rite of passage, it may be that some expectations are fulfilled while still many new things come up. Now I dont know your personal history, but I would say that what you could use is a portion of curiousity and a spirit of exploration. Dont get hung up so much on how it used to be - look and feel at how it is now, explore... As long as you compare everything with the old, it is hard to explore and see the new in its own light.
Personally, I dont have much libido - never had. So I dont feel it as a burden - except maybe the lack of it which ended some of my relationships I had. If you do have a libido, I dont get so much why not follow it - I get that it may be an iffy feeling pre-op for many transpeople to do that, but except when one is caught up in bad memories, this should improve post op. As I said - as long as one is not caught up in comparing it to the old or playing old movies in the head, which is what many of us do in various ways (including the famous "seeing the man in the mirror"). That is because out minds perceive a situation only in part with our senses, it fills in a lot with memories and those are of a past that is gone now, post op. It takes time to build new memories from sensual perception. I know from experience that when one ignores these situations, it just happens that the old memories keep bothering oneself and one avoids these situations. Don't...

The "no cavity" thing is a bit of a mystery for me but I think I head of that, mostly in context of rather ancient techniques. I would not see the benefit of that excpet really if someone has no libido at all and wants to skip the effort of dilation and such. Its not that libido would get away with such a surgery, its just that it cannot be fulfilled (which is maybe more like the video above ). If you did get aroused (and I would guess also reliefed?) and the lot with sensations on skin before surgery and you got the regular inversion procedure, neurologically this should still be possible. As I said, I suspect that it is mostly memory tha tis bothering you - the feeling that it is "the same" as before and you did not like it before, so you dont like it now. This is what happens if a rite of passage was not properly initiated as your sould does not know yet that things changed while your thinking mind does. Maybe you would need some soul-shaking event that knocks your soul over to "get it" that things are different now?

I hope this makes sense, can help in some way and is not too much salted with talk about weird irrational sounding stuff about sould and rites of passage and such.

[Agent_J]

I had wanted to remain non-op but had a lot of issues surrounding that - a lot of outside pressure, including state laws that required I have SRS in order to update my ID (which remains in spite of the US Social Security Administration's change of the rule.) I had a significant amount of pressure from doctors and therapists to include SRS in my transition. In particular, they saw SRS as a mandatory part of transition: that not having it as part of my transition required detransitioning and going off of HRT.

I am currently consulting surgeons for FFS and BA. I truly wish I had done that instead of SRS. An example of the steering I had toward SRS was being told by both my endos and therapists that there is no data about the long-term risks of FFS and BA for trans women, etc., while SRS is a long-proven procedure that is free of complications when performed by the top-tier surgeons (and the one my therapists heavily advocated happened to be the one I had already picked.) Issues such as the numbness I currently experience I had been lead by them to believe were not risks. So, really, I went into SRS expecting that my body would feel exactly as it did before, because I had been told that. Of course it doesn't and I was utterly unprepared to deal with it. Now, I hope the numbness is permanent because I don't know if I can deal with more changes.

[anjaq]

J, please relax a bit, for your own benefit. What I read there are several things. As a first note I would say that by wishing for numbness you increase the likelyhood of it happening, which I really dont think is what you actually want once you get over the other part - and you will get over that other part - in part because there is not alternative to getting that.
Now to that other part - you are talking about how you basically were driven towards SRS, which is horrible and I dont understand how people can do this. The law, yes of course they do that, but therapists? doctors? not great. As a long term milestone, certainly they will say so, but not as something to be rushed. So that is odd.
I dont quite get how FFS and BA (the forum needs mouseovers - I assume its facial surgery and breast augmentation) relate to SRS in terms of an "either or" decision. After all FFS and BA are mainly directed at resolving issues of interacting with other people in daily life, while SRS is mainly directed at issues in private life plus some occasions in public. So, very different things! I also dont know who still things that breast augmentation is an unproven procedure when half of the USA women do that and it is some of the oldest stuff that transwomen were doing. But anyways that sounds a bit like "we'll do a leg amputation, because that is a surgery we know very well to work, but we dont know enough about SRS, so we do not do that for now" - makes as much sense. Why using a proven procedure that a patient does not want instead of a new procedure that the patient really needs?Its also irresponsible to tell you that your body will all be the same - which of course is nonsense and most transpeople would not like that anyways - they desire a change. Except in one aspect maybe - everyone hopes that sensitivity and feelings will stay.

You gave us some background on what happened, that is good so I can understand this better. The main thing that comes out of that for me is however that basically someone else is responsible for your situation and that you did not want SRS but was pushed to it. That is a horrible situation - did you never consider that SRS would be a good thing before and what was it what spoke within you against it? In any case what I said before still holds - you have been pushed too fast into that situation, but this is where you are now. Try to not wail in the past too much, not play a blame game, not look at how it came to be, things you cannot change! Instead look at how you can get better from here on, how you can continue, if you want to look at FFS and BA, then do so, consider yourself an explorer of your own body now that it has changed - if you go for FFS and BA, changes will be huge as well. If SRS is a tough change, dont rush these other ones, do them in the moment when you really desire them and are open for the changes they bring to your body. And really take this as a journey. As if you landed on an unknown island and you go out to explore. Explore your changed body, think about the upsides of that chance, about what you can do now that was impossible before - maybe if you had that think about how you wished to be a girl as a kid and consider SRS to be a part of granting that wish.

Transition is a journey - in part it is a transformation as well, as I said, a rite of passage. Those are ALWAYS turbulent times with lots of changes. If you can, embrace this as an adventourous time - stability will come later

[Agent_J]

Transition has been a 19 year journey for me now - I first saw a therapist to start transition in the early summer (northern hemisphere) of 1994.

I make a point to not dwell on the past, but, as usually happens in these conversations, it's impossible to not discuss it in the course of answering the questions others ask. Outside of that, I try hard to not discuss or, even, think about those aspects. What exists now is that I am not comfortable with how my body was changed by SRS.

I have long wanted FFS and BA. To be honest, I think the reason the gatekeepers I had pushed toward SRS and away from FFS and BA was one of control - SRS is the one that requires their approval while FFS and BA do not.

For me, that my body - how it felt, reacted, etc. - after SRS was important. I had found a place where my body was just about ideal, at least until spontaneous erections returned after my Estradiol dose was reduced (long story - there was only a doctor's fears and not actual medical rationale behind it, leading to me changing doctors.)

I honestly don't see anything that I can do now that I couldn't before. I keep being told things like "wear a swimsuit/go swimming" or "use the lockerroom" but those were things I did without difficulty before SRS. Now things that it did which are important to me do exist, but they weren't about how I relate to my body.

[anjaq]

Hmm - it sounds like your "gatekeepers" were not the best advice. I never asked mine for FFS as this was not really an issue I ever thought of, I did ask about BA though as I had a condition called "Tuberous breasts". I got both -SRS and BA paid in full by insurance so needed approval for both. Therapists kept asking me if I really want to do SRS and all that - I could have said no, but I wanted that. They were reluctant however to give an ok for BA before SRS. I guess they take SRS as sort of a milestone - if someone does that despite being told it is painful, irreversible and all that, the likelyhood of a full stop and de-transitioning is much less, so one can give an ok for additional procedures which otherwise would be hard to reverse.

In terms of the stuff about swimming and such - I bet many here would really like to know how to go for that without SRS. I certainly never found a proper way that did not involve having to rely on luck and trickery. But certainly it is not the best reason for SRS, neither is the whole pressure by therapists or TG friends.

So I get that you are having some issues with the way this happened. Still I think it is not really important how it came to be but how to go from here. What do you think would make you feel better about this? Do you think you need some event that can switch that uneasy feeling away? Maybe some sort of event that can "complete the rite of passage" - maybe something that you missed before and that prevented you from being ready for the passage? Or do you generally think that SRS was a mistake as you did not really want it at all, this is harder to resolve then and may have to be talked about with a therapist (ideally one that is not that hung up on SRS).