Hello, everyone. Feel free to disregard this, but I'm posting it here because I can generally think better if I'm writing something to strangers, rather than myself. Aside, I need a swift knock to the head (and probably a self esteem boost... and a therapist) so I can think clearly again. So I'm posting this potentially pathetic and depressing rant about my life here. Moderators, please feel free to post a trigger warning if that need be – I'm not a great judge of that stuff, as I'm sure you'll soon see.
This was going to be in the "What Made You Unhappy Today" thread, but it got way too long.
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I've finally looked up the definition and can say I've been getting panic attacks.
Even worse that they're being caused by an old friend.
We used to be very close, but she ended up taking a hiatus from pretty much all contact; I knew she wasn't a very social person, but it turns out she was feeling as bad as I am now from constantly spending time together. I ended up being very anxious one week - and that sent her off; she needed a break. By the time she had actually gotten back to me, I had calmed down enough to handle her absence for a while. I don't trust easily, or at all, but I trusted this person enough to hope she'd be back in a couple weeks time.
It turned out I had underestimated her - or overestimated her, whichever - she was out of touch for almost a month, and I was afraid to text or email her in case she'd end up taking more time, or getting mad at me. The thing was - at that point in time, I desperately needed the contact. I was depressed to the point of considering suicide, and she was the only person I had been leaning on; I had experienced some depression before, but nothing that severe. It scared me, but the idea got into my mind that if I ended up pissing her off, she would decide to cut off all contact and I would be completely alone; I couldn't handle that, and would have tried reaching out to other friends, but the other one I talked to fairly often stopped speaking to me out of the blue.
At one point, I did end up texting her; I had a very bad experience with my mother, who's been verbally and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember, that triggered a panic attack. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to leave the house, but even knowing that she'd be there for me - finally - in a time or need would have been enough to help me calm down, and maybe even open up about the problems I was having. She never texted back, and while I assume her phone was off I still wonder if she just didn't want to deal with me. I have problems with conveying what I'm feeling, and usually understate myself, but I thought that the message I had sent contained enough urgency for her to respond.
Though up until then I had been clinging to the hope that maybe tomorrow, or even in the next hour, she would finally text or email me and everything could go back to something resembling normal, it was crushed in that incident. I still waited, but I had every feeling and thought that she would not come back on her own.
I waited for another week or so before finally emailing her; she responded with what I mentioned above - being near me all the time was hurting her; she was used to being a "teddy-bear friend," someone to go to with your problems but little else; she had been emotionally and physically abused by friends before, and she wasn't comfortable with the attention she was getting from me. Everything I wanted to say to her went silent when I got that; I didn't want to make her think that that was what I was doing, and I didn't want her to have to deal with my problems along with her own because she'd already been through more than I had and she was finally standing up for herself and doing what was needed to make her feel comfortable. She deserved this, and I wasn't about to ruin that.
As much as I want to talk to her - need to talk to her - about some things, I can't do it. To me, her problems are more important than mine, simply because she deserves to have her way for once. My problems don't factor in to making her comfortable - that is my thought, anyhow.
We emailed after that - back to our usual routines. Nothing personal or serious was discussed; I never asked her about any of that because, again, she was uncomfortable with my asking, and I never brought up my own issues so she wouldn't have to deal with them.
I didn't know how I would react when I eventually saw her again - there were certainly times that I cried at even considering seeing her again, but I thought those times had passed.
I thought I might be able to handle relations with her at school, and had expected for us to ease back into things, but that's what would have made me feel better.
First day of class, and she acts as if nothing had ever happened. By all means, does she deal with everything better than I do, and I hadn't actually talked to her about those damn issues of mine and had acted otherwise normal in emails, so there's no reason why she wouldn't act that way; she said hello and was altogether rather chipper. The problem was with me; upon seeing her, I started shaking. I couldn't sit behind her, so I got up and found a space across the room. I tried not to look at her, as the shaking got worse with that; as the class went on, I got hot and anxious; my chronic pain flared up, and my chest and stomach twisted themselves into knots; by the end of the class I had developed chills and became rather lightheaded. Upon looking up the definition, I have to admit I was having a panic attack.
I'm still appalled that my reaction to her was so physical, and that I couldn't speak to her - at all. She didn't talk to me on the bus ride back, though in fairness I had chosen not to sit next to her - I felt like I would finally break down and start crying if she started a conversation.
So now, I worry that I had been too inconsiderate in her mind; the old fears - though they're always present these days - that she won't talk to me again are very, very fresh in mind. I want - so, so desperately want - to talk to her about this, but... I still don't feel I can, and might not for a while. I want to say, "You hurt me deeply, and I'm sorry, but I still haven't recovered from that. I hope you'll forgive me that I'll take a while to come back and be comfortable around you again," but I don't... *Sigh* I don't feel I have the right to say that.
The signs of an irrational mind, everyone. The solution is quite clearly in front of me, certainly, but I'm too afraid of speaking my mind to her to do anything about anything.
*Closes eyes* I apologize for any typos that Word didn't pick up when I transferred this over, but my shame is strong enough to prohibit reading everything again at this point in time. At least it felt better to get things down.
