Not sure what I am...

[Confused_Katie]

Hi everyone,

So I've been lurking on this site for a few days, and (after some liquid courage) I finally decided to sign-up and make a post. This is really nerve-racking for me, I've never talked about this with anyone...

I am not sure what I am right now. I was born female, but for the past few years I have had strong desires to be perceived as male. I have always envied boys/men for the way they are and how other people treat them. In my personal relationships, I want to be viewed as male and treated as such, especially in my intimate relationships. I want to have that, but I have no idea what to do or even where to start.

Right now, I don't think I would want to have gender-changing surgery (I have very bad associations with hospitals/doctors), but I am fairly young (early 20s) so I don't think that is super important right now. I don't know if that makes me gender-fluid (is that the right term?) or androgynous or something other than transgender. If that is the case, and I should go to a different forum, please let me know. I am just really confused.

This has taken me nearly 30 min to type; my hands are shaking and I'm feeling very exposed. I'm not even sure what I am expecting out of this; I guess I just needed to get it out there. Any comments or advice would be truly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read. Hopefully we can get to know each other better .

[BeefxCake]

hey! we are in the same boat right now XD

i too envy men, for many many reasons. ut i was raised female and never had a serious problem with it until more recently when gender started playing a role in how i am treated in society and being surrounded by men allt he time.

i don't know if i want to change genders either.. the idea of being on t the rest of my life sounds daunting but also worth it in a wierd way. the idea of having to live out my life as a woman kinda scares the sh*t outa me.

i also want to be seen as male in my intimate relationships. i want to be the outer spoon and pleasure a woman and sometimes i even fantasize what it might be like if i had a ... peen.. (lol too much info but yeah)

i've been seeing  agender therapist for about a month now. i think the biggest step is to confront that you are confused and perhaps therapy can help you figure things out. it has been for me so far. im starting to avoid ignoring the important questions i need to be asking myself, and so far it's lead me to i'm pretty sure i like girls. im jealous of men, really jealous of hot men but i can see myself with a wife.

anyway, i hope you find this place as a good support and rescource like i do. trust me you're not alone.

[JenSquid]

Hi.

I think you'll find a lot of people here who can identify with what you're going through. I know it sounds a lot like my own experience, except going the other direction (I was born male, but feel as if I should have been female). Realize that transgender is considered an umbrella term, encompassing not just transsexuals, but also androgynes, genderfluid, and the like, so whatever you are, you're in good company.

Also, I understand entirely about posts taking a while and being nerve-wracking to write. It takes me about that long as well. >_< It's not easy opening up.

So... uh... again, welcome!

[MaryXYX]

Hi Katie, and congratulations for finding the courage to write your message.  You could be trans-gender, or possibly lesbian or some combination.  The important thing is to be true to yourself and not let yourself be pushed into any convenient box.  My experience suggests that however you turn out you will find support here.  I'm not a mod here but in my opinion you are very welcome - you are questioning your gender identity and that's a time you really need people who will listen and not criticise.

[Jenny07]

Welcome Kate

I remember just how hard it was to write my first post, it took some time and nerves late one night.
Congratulations on doing this as it is a big step that is not easy to take.

Don't feel alone as many others here have similar feelings as you, so I am sure you will find answers here to help you be just you.

Most of us don't bite so feel free to join in the discussion and fun.

Jen

[Murbella]

And remember, it is not the penis that makes the man.  Many men have boobs too.  There are surgical options to fix those things, but if you don't want to go down that road that doesn't make your feelings any less valid.

[Confused_Katie]

Thank you all so much! There are no words to express how grateful I am towards your kindness and acceptance. You all have shown me that my fears about opening up were totally unfounded. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but it helps tremendously knowing that I am not alone, and that others have experienced the same things.

Thank you all again! I look forward to interacting with you in the future.

[Sammy]

Thank you all so much! There are no words to express how grateful I am towards your kindness and acceptance. You all have shown me that my fears about opening up were totally unfounded. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but it helps tremendously knowing that I am not alone, and that others have experienced the same things.

Thank you all again! I look forward to interacting with you in the future.

Yup, You are not alone and the fun times are only beginning

[Gene]

Just remember it's a process, and there's not right way or wrong to transition. There's also no specific starting point. For instance, most transmen start with Testosterone (T) and then go for top surgery. I'm big chested, so passing won't work unless I have the surgery first, then go on HRT. There's lots of different people with various backgrounds and a vast wealth of experience and knowledge here. Don't be afraid to ask or talk about whatever you may be going through. We're all here to help each other.

[Darkie]

Katie, you are so not alone.  I'm going though almost the exact thing right now, so it feels good to know I'm not the only one. Message me if you want to talk! *hugs*

[Confused_Katie]

Darkie: I will definitely take you up on your offer once I can PM (I think I have to get to 15 posts first?).

I think the first step for me is figuring out how to dress more like a male. I'm also trying to lose weight/gain muscle (I used to be really athletic in high school and had some awesome broad shoulders that I'd like to get back) and perhaps lose a cup size (I'm a C currently). I've been reading the posts about binders and trying to take it all in; it's a little overwhelming right now.

Thank you guys so much for being so awesome!