Indeed, there are no fairy tale endings for people who live in the real world. I say we're happier now than before, and it's true, but it's also true that we still have the cat who barfs everywhere and the car that needs new tires and my wife is thinking about switching jobs and causing more upheaval.
I like the idea that happy ever after is an *ending,* and who wants their life to end?
Anyway, if either of you has specific questions about the tough parts either, feel free to ask; it's hard sometimes for me to pinpoint exactly what upset me anymore, but I do remember well over a year of hellish stress and depression. (And that year is why I'm still on anti-anxiety medication 3 years later; I think it kicked my anxiety disorder permanently into a higher gear.)
Sonoid : It's dangerous for anyone to assume that someone can't see the comments on a *public* board. I mean, I assume your wife can see this if she wants to - and also trusted that you wouldn't say anything you didn't want her to read. I don't blame her for not having the energy to fight that battle, I guess, but hopefully she will realize how much that hurt you. In any case, the one thing I wish people had said to me back then is something I repeat a lot now : nobody knows your relationship better than YOU, and so long as you believe there is hope, there is. No matter what other people (including me
) tell you.
The way your friends have reacted is horrifying, and heartbreaking. I have noticed this trend over the years, though; the non-trans population assumes divorce is inevitable because who would want to stay married through *that,* the trans community includes people convinced that all spouses leave, and the result is that partners have no support from anyone except the tiny pool of other people who've been through it. That sucks. I hope your friends will eventually accept that you still love your wife, and have no intention of breaking up your family. Frankly, for what it's worth, you *are* coping pretty well. You're doing your best to hold it together, supporting your wife (and she's lucky to have you), and the issues you have yourself are bound to complicate things so you shouldn't feel guilty that you're not shiny perfect about it all. I think what your wife said about their reactions being your fault is unfair and cruel, and that you are wise to say you don't want to destroy your marriage over other people's expectations. With luck they may come around, but it isn't impossible that you might lose people - my mother disowned me, though I'm fine with that - and that's a genuine loss and/or rejection that you're risking for the sake of your wife. She ought to acknowledge that much. We live in a very accepting area, so I can't even imagine how much courage it takes to come out where you are.
I hope you enjoy the class! I hear you about missing school, and it might give you something to focus on that *you* enjoy.
Roxx.i : You absolutely are not alone, even if it feels that way. I also second the suggestion that trying to work through it alone is a mistake; I also did the same, and equally regret it. Sometimes you need someone just to talk things through with. Of course, I TOTALLY understand that feeling that transition is eating your life, too, so I don't want to talk about it too much at you.
It gets better... but during the early stages of transition, it can definitely take over everything.
Figuring out how to balance her needs with yours and how to look outside the relationship temporarily for the kind of support she used to give you (and probably will again - someday) is incredibly tough. I'm glad you managed to resist the urge to SI after the first few minutes; I found myself backsliding on that one too. The best thing in that situation - and that was a horribly traumatic message to get when you're too far away to help - might be, unfortunately, to tell her that you love her desperately but you cannot listen right now. Because your choices (and they're both awful choices) are to either try to support her and fall apart yourself, which will ultimately be worse for *her* too, or walk away and try to find other avenues of support to talk about your own terrible day. As Sonoid said, and I've firmly believed for years, "refusing your own oxygen mask" only hurts you BOTH in the long term. In the short term, of course, it might be scary and painful to admit that you just can't handle this right now. However, from what you've said, your partner is caring and willing to compromise, just doesn't always have the energy to be there for you right now. The good news is that the more progress she makes in transition, the more likely it is that that will free up some of her emotional resources for you.
If it helps, my wife's toughest times were more or less the period your partner is going through now - she knew what she needed and intended to transition, and I knew, but she had made only a few baby steps towards actually beginning the journey. She would come home from work and sob hysterically while ripping off her male clothes. Telling friends helped a little; piercing her ears helped a little; going out to parties as herself helped a little; HRT helped calm her mind if it didn't address the social dysphoria. Once she could go out in public dressed as a woman 100% of the time? Huge difference. Name change ditto. She was fully transitioned in less than a year, and as unbelievably hard as that year was for me, I ended up being grateful she'd moved so fast, because by the time it was over she was almost entirely free of the stress and misery that had made her so often unavailable to me. (And then GRS finally cured her remaining dysphoria.) So it may feel as if you're going to be trapped in this miserable position of having no partner to lean on, with her constantly expecting more than you can give, for the entire duration of transition, but that may not be the case.
