In great pain

[carrie359]

OK,
Therapy in two days.. hard to describe but I have never been in this much pain.. I want it to stop.
I have been crying all day but still working.. my wife almost caught me crying.. don't want her to see and ask whats up again.. she has seen a change in my mood the last month or so.
She knew I was trans when I was 29 I am 54 now... but she thinks Christian counseling cured me.. or she just does not want to know.
Anyway I am M2F and am in a really really deep place... I am considering suicide.. in some ways think I just want to be gone..
I would have transitioned and been very attractive in my 20's  now I feel all is lost.
I have lost 17lbs in three weeks...I see no way I can transition and be passable... although I might be cute..I have a baby face and small hands and feet small nose and high cheeks and my mom's wonderful eyes have all my hair but I am male and have a large head. 
I will be asking for small doses of HRT to see if I can make it.. maybe it will calm me down maybe not..

If am hetero..if I take a small dose of HRT in 8 months am I going to start liking guys... If I don't go through the transition I would be even more confused..
I know this is a stupid rambling post and I am sorry.. I am depressed beyond belief and can barely do my job.
I am sorry this is so negative... I am just a mess
Carrie

[Jamie D]

Carrie, it is rare that a transgendered person does not have highs and lows.

I know exactly how you feel.  Exactly.  I have been married for nearly 30 years.

I was able to cope with the trans stuff for over 40 years.  There came a time I just could not do it anymore.  And for me, I'll likely never be able to physically transition into the person I feel that am, because of my health issues.  I don't like it, but I have accepted it.

But what I can do is to try and emotionally and mentally put myself in a good place.  It's hard.  It has been really hard, because of other stresses, the past couple of month.  If I can't find a happy place in the real world, I can find it in the recesses of my mind.

Low dose HRT is more likely to calm the dysphoria.  And 54 is not too old to make positive changes in your life.  "Reparative therapy" can not change who you are inside.  Perhaps it can help you adjust behaviors, but your core self remains. Nor do I think that HRT will suddenly change your orientation.

You need to find peace of mind.  You say the you are depressed - see a psychiatrist and get the medical attention depression needs.

[carrie359]

Thanks Jamie,
It helps to hear from others like yourself and know I am not alone.. for so long I felt alone... the battle is lonely.. the one person in the world who loves me more than anyone is my wife and I would give anything if she knew and would give me love and support..  I know she will not understand.. I don't think anyone understands unless they are like us.. and have felt the pain.
I so hope one day the world will understand  and more help will be available to everyone..especially youngsters.  My brain hurts.. not like a headache.. it just hurts and it scares me .
At least I am kind of like a girl.. I have a girl brain and arms and legs... ..I had to say that to make myself smile.. at least for a moment.
I am sorry you have had a tough couple months.. thank you for your replay Jamie..
Carrie

[Murbella]

If am hetero..if I take a small dose of HRT in 8 months am I going to start liking guys...

Keep in mind that sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely different subjects.  If you are sexually attracted to women now, you will continue to be sexually attracted to women following HRT. 

[Christine167]

Welcome to forum. You are not alone.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Keep in mind that sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely different subjects.  If you are sexually attracted to women now, you will continue to be sexually attracted to women following HRT.

Not necessarily.  I've read of many people changing orientation following HRT.

[kathyk]

Carrie:

I want to ease your pain so badly it hurts.  Last year I was in the exact same place you are now, and to add to the similarity my wife was likewise knowledgeable of my gender issues more than 20 years ago.  I'm now more than a year into my transition, and have never been happier with my decision to start HRT.  At 62 I'll never be pretty, but instead just another old woman.  Yet I'll be a living happy old woman, and not a dead old man. 

I'll warn you about not telling your wife everything up front.  That was probably my biggest mistake, and there's no way to go back and fix it.  I tried to hide the details of what I was doing, and I kept my need to transition from her.  So in secret I began HRT, and continued until she discovered on her own what I was doing.  I've had to live with the consequences of that deception ever since.  And even though honesty up front wouldn't change what's happening in our marriage, at least I could have saved some of her trust.  You can ask any of the moderators about my turmoil and rants.  It wasn't cute.

My suggestion is be truthful to yourself, and transition if you must, but sit and talk to your wife as soon as you can.  Tell her what's in your heart, then tell her about the woman who's in your soul.  You'll be scared to death, and your emotions might carry you into tears.  But remember that even though you've been married a long time she may walk out the next day.  And yet maybe she'll stay and hold your hand as she tries to understand where the two of you are going.  Together or apart, your lives are changing.  It's unavoidable, and it's time to face it.

I wish you all my best. 
Hugs.  Kathy

[Jamie D]

Thanks Jamie,
It helps to hear from others like yourself and know I am not alone.. for so long I felt alone... the battle is lonely.. the one person in the world who loves me more than anyone is my wife and I would give anything if she knew and would give me love and support..  I know she will not understand.. I don't think anyone understands unless they are like us.. and have felt the pain.
I so hope one day the world will understand  and more help will be available to everyone..especially youngsters.  My brain hurts.. not like a headache.. it just hurts and it scares me .
At least I am kind of like a girl.. I have a girl brain and arms and legs... ..I had to say that to make myself smile.. at least for a moment.
I am sorry you have had a tough couple months.. thank you for your replay Jamie..
Carrie

Your wife loves you.  I am sure, no matter how hard you try to hide it, she will eventually sense something.

And she knew that you had transgender feeling 25 years ago.  If you are like me, the thought of losing the most precious relationship in the world is almost too much to bear.  You really need to open up with your therapist and find a way to work with your wife to explain how you feel.

***

Let me add that Kathy (above) was torn up and in anguish, but not nearly the wild-eyed ranter she makes herself out to be.  Kathy is one of the nicest people you will ever meet.

[carrie359]

Well thank you group... I am feeling better and and peaceful for now...
It is amazing after all these years to talk with others in the same boat... For so long I thought I was the only one in the world like me.....
I read once recently a few questions about Are you really transgender ask yourself these things...
One was, if you could be cured and have your brain changed to male right now would you... my answer was amazingly no!  It would be changing who I am.. its my body that does not fit .. my brain...so I must say, I accept who I am and that is a big step in understanding myself...
So thank you .. no matter what happens, I am grateful to you all.
Carrie

[Beth Andrea]

There is a "cure" for being trans, and that is to allow yourself to be YOU.

It can be done. We're proof of that.

Good looks and brains ain't everything, babe...old age and treachery wins it all! 

fwiw, I kept my ex up to speed with my transition...every step of the way. She told me clearly that if I started taking hormones, "We're through!"



Hey, I needed HRT to save my life. She'd rather have seen me dead than be a woman. Easy choice.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Pain, oh I know pain alright. Considering I am disabled thanks to fybromyalgia, I know the burden of nonstop never really goes away physical pain.

And thanks to being TG, I am fully aware of what non physical never seems to end emotional pain is like as well.

Pain is not always the traumatic type like you get with a broken leg for example. And lets be frank our bodies are actually capable of dealing with that sort of pain, it merely turns off. No such luck with my types of pain though.

How do I cope? Well there is no magic solution, but, one definite good choice is 'fun' simple 'fun'. You need something to pick up your mood when it is under stress. And I am not a big fan of pharmaceutical solutions, I prefer ideas that don't come with a 'some side effects may be' disclaimer.

Me I like anime, it's simple fun. Some might prefer shopping, and it could be no more than going for a nice snack. Visiting a good ice cream store won't harm ya eh. It just needs to be a no strings attached gift to yourself. Maybe a nice walk in a wooded location (I find nature very calming) or possibly just going fishing.

I don't recommend praying that's for sure, and you won't get me interested in saying anything nice about reparative therapy that's for sure.

You need to confront your wife and make it clear, you love her, but you can't be who you are not and you are not interested in people 'fixing' you, you want acceptance.

[Cindy]

Hi Carrie,

I transitioned at 59 and I know your fears etc. My results have been rather good and all of the fears and problems went and to be honest they were all none founded. I had a lot to to lose, great job, wife, family, reputation that was important to me.

In the end I had to transition, It was that or drink myself to death, the depression was intolerable, even on meds, and my lack of will to live was dragging me into places I did not want to go, but I was an inevitable path.

Suicide was a very big option. I even got a bottle of Nembutal to make it clean and quick.

Now? I'm so happy I radiate joy that people tell me about, I have my job and my colleagues have welcomed me with open arms, the depression meds went into the bin. I have a reputation, a good one and not that of a drunk that I didn't know or were too drunk to be aware of.

Yes I have a boyfriend, but my sexual orientation did not change, my acceptance of myself did. I was always interested in guys, but I couldn't bring myself to be Gay. Not that I was ashamed but it didn't feel right.  I think my thought were justified, I'm a heterosexual female.

Our self doubts are fierce and they burn with an intensity that sear us. But we can get there, you can be happy and you deserve to be.

Oh the bottle of Nembutal? I filled it with resin. I use it as a paper weight to remind me of a future I almost lost.

So let Carrie loose, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

[carrie359]

Cindy,
Thank you. You hit on a lot of what I have been thinking...
I think I have plucked about 1000 hairs off my chest and arms in the last two weeks.. I do not know what is getting into me.
I also am taking care of my face.... its like Carrie took over...
Carrie

[Beth Andrea]

Yay! That's a Good Thing.

Hair removal (chest, legs) was a HUGE and wonderful event for me (Beth) to realize "This is MY body!", not some hairy man-body (no offense to the men out there).

[JLT1]

Carrie,

There are a number of us late transitioners here.  I'm 51 and now 8 months on HRT. 

When a person fights being who they are inside so hard and for so long, once the realization is made, the gates fly wide open.  The good news is that strength that has kept you hiding for so long will also help you through this.

[franie]

 I have been where you are,but it will get much better once you start on HRT.However don't expect it to change you over night.  I was in my early 50's when I started on HRT. It has  changed my body and made a me more calm person.I will never be a beautiful female at my age but I do pass as female quite easily.

[carrie359]

Franie and all others thank you the responses are overwhelming in a very good way.
Will post after therapy.. its a two hour session and a very competent therapist who has helped many... I have to travel 2 hours but will be worth it.
Carrie

[LizMarie]

Carrie, many of us have experienced those lows. Mine came in early 2012 and I was planning suicide too. I've fought dysphoria my entire life. It's caused issues throughout my marriage and me finally facing it is going to end my marriage. But I am finally not lying to myself anymore and that alone has been liberating. Beginning HRT and the slow process of transitioning doesn't daunt me. What would daunt me is the thought of living as "him" and being buried as "him".

Not necessarily.  I've read of many people changing orientation following HRT.

Alice, I've read that and in my talks to my own therapist and a few other therapists I've met, what usually (not always, but often) discovered is that someone had been repressing these feelings their entire life anyway. I know in my own case, working with my therapist, I feel like I am bisexual and could be with a woman or a man once I complete SRS. But until then my own body bothers me sufficiently that I wouldn't and do not plan to get involved with anyone. Going back through old memories and recalling things I shoved aside helped me understand myself better.

My own impression is that HRT doesn't change our orientation but instead helps us to face who we really are.

[kelly_aus]

Not necessarily.  I've read of many people changing orientation following HRT.

My money is HRT not being the cause.. Self acceptance and growing in to the real you seems more likely to me.

After 15+ years living as a gay guy, I started my transition thinking I was straight.. And then I fell in love with a woman. Which made me realise that I'd always preferred women and that I'd never loved a man - but I had loved women.

[Danielle Emmalee]

My money is HRT not being the cause.. Self acceptance and growing in to the real you seems more likely to me.

After 15+ years living as a gay guy, I started my transition thinking I was straight.. And then I fell in love with a woman. Which made me realise that I'd always preferred women and that I'd never loved a man - but I had loved women.

Alice, I've read that and in my talks to my own therapist and a few other therapists I've met, what usually (not always, but often) discovered is that someone had been repressing these feelings their entire life anyway. I know in my own case, working with my therapist, I feel like I am bisexual and could be with a woman or a man once I complete SRS. But until then my own body bothers me sufficiently that I wouldn't and do not plan to get involved with anyone. Going back through old memories and recalling things I shoved aside helped me understand myself better.

My own impression is that HRT doesn't change our orientation but instead helps us to face who we really are.

I don't disagree.  What I meant by it is that many people come to accept their true orientation following HRT.  To someone pre-HRT they may not see it this way until it happens so for someone asking whether their orientation will change from HRT, the simple answer is yes, it might.  It may not actually change but the persons own view on their sexual orientation does sometimes change and practically speaking its the same thing.