Some of necessary costs of transition.

[kathyk]

The paperwork and doctors letter for my name change in California is done, and it's going to cost about $550.  Not a big amount, but it's more than my wife wants me to spend.  I was also doing electrolysis in California and that got cut out because it cost too much for my wife to stomach while I'm working in Michigan, and she feels I can shave twice a day and save $280 a month.  But I've been seeing a local electrologist here in Michigan anyway, and would like to continue even if her knowledge about MTF beard removal is limited  My wife doesn't know this yet, but soon will for honesty sake. 

My question is for those of you with partners or wives.  Do you have problems with your partner understanding why you as a TS individual has to do these things?  It sometimes seems as if my wife can't grasp the depth of this compelling need I have to change my life.  She already said she'll probably never be able to call me Kathy, and routinely gets upset when I contact my doctor without talking to her first. 

I'm not upset or ranting with this, just puzzled and a bit confused.

K

[RosieD]

My (ex) wife/partner/best friend* has Borderline Personality Disorder. As with most things there are upsides and downsides to this but tye most relevant upside is that sye understands the difference between a want and a need. I want to have rhinoplasty, I need to have electrolysis.

Would it be helpful for you to draw up a needs and wants list and share it with your wife? If she is willing to do the same then you have the starting point for what could be a useful discussion.

Rosie


*does anyone know of any helpful nouns

[kathyk]

...
Would it be helpful for you to draw up a needs and wants list and share it with your wife? If she is willing to do the same then you have the starting point for what could be a useful discussion.

Rosie

We tried something like that last January after the shopping and ear piercing incident .  I didn't write anything down, but we went through all the things that are going happen to, or for me.  We don't talk a lot now, but a lot of that is my fault, while some is due to our 2400 mile separation.  We both said we're gong to sit for hours when she comes up here in October.   

K

[Katie]

Simply put the overwhelming majority of TS women (assuming they actually transition) that are married end up divorced! Anyone who thinks they can beat these odds is very often kidding themselves.

[Jenna Marie]

No... I'm sorry, I know that's not that helpful, but I had sort of the opposite problem (my wife saying "your needs and problems are more important" to the point that she'd end up having a breakdown rather than admit she was having issues before that point).  Expenses were definitely an issue, but I've always relied on her to do the financial stuff, so that was more a question of her not liking *unexpected* expenses.

Kate, that may be true, but so long as both partners are willing to try, there's hope. From what I recall, this is still significant progress for Kathy's wife, too. Not great, and it's gotta be frustrating that she's still having so many problems, but she *has* come around a bit (maybe?).

Honeypot, that sounds like a good idea, with emphasis on having *her* do a list too. Maybe that will highlight points of overlap/compromise. (Or there won't be any, and that'll be important to know too.)

[kathyk]

Simply put the overwhelming majority of TS women that are married end up divorced! Anyone who thinks they can beat these odds is very often kidding themselves.

You're right Katie.  JoAnn hasn't decided how she is going to manage with our without me around, but we've both agreed that when the day comes for me to completely seperate I will without question or a fight.  It took six months for us to to get to that agreement, and with me in Michigan most of this year (and the next) it looks like we're both getting used to living on our own again.  But time will tell.

No... I'm sorry, I know that's not that helpful, but I had sort of the opposite problem (my wife saying "your needs and problems are more important" to the point that she'd end up having a breakdown rather than admit she was having issues before that point).  Expenses were definitely an issue, but I've always relied on her to do the financial stuff, so that was more a question of her not liking *unexpected* expenses.

Jenna:  I'm sorry that your wife is having that kind of struggle.  My wife also does the financial end of everything, and it's good for her to keep me in check once in a while.  It kind of sounds like you and your wife would be happier if she could also support you within reason, and not unlimittedly.  But with that being said, it must be great to have a wife that supports you as she does.

[Jenna Marie]

Kathy : Your sympathy is appreciated, but we're doing great now. That was an issue 3+ years ago when I was actively transitioning; she's long since come to terms with things.

I'm so sorry to hear that separation is nearly inevitable. You have *my* sympathy, because that's tragic.

[RosieD]

Honeypot, that sounds like a good idea, with emphasis on having *her* do a list too. Maybe that will highlight points of overlap/compromise. (Or there won't bbe any, and that'kayl be important to know too.)

Thank you lovely and double plus thanks for picking up on the bit I feel is most important to.  I feel that if you are married then the only reasonable thing to do is to (both) lay your cards on the table as honestly and openly as you can. Accept that there may be a happy space you can both inhabit if there isn't too great a disparity between your needs but if the disparity IS too large then maybe the kindest you can do for one another is accept that it isn't going to work out.

Rosie.

[Cindy Stephens]

Not being nosy, but are you set up long term economically?  Finances are #1 cause of divorce.  My wife knew before we married (28 years) and fully accepts me.  I delayed many transgender expenses while we built our little nest.  Now she realizes that I don't spend money unnecessarily, and that I put off many expenses until we could afford and budget for them.  She allowed me enough freedom to do what was required to control the dysphoria and I didn't mind waiting for the financing.  The result is that I am getting what I want, and I still have a firm marriage and secure future.  When I see what happened to friends who jumped in with both feet, I'm glad I took the tortoise route!