Not sure what I am

[Asche]

I'm not sure how to describe myself, and I'm not sure whether I actually belong here.  I've spent time on other sites and each time, I get a different answer as to what I am (and usually get told I'm doing it wrong.)

I'm male, at least my body is rather obviously male and I've always assumed that that was it.  Then there was all that "masculinity" nonsense that I was supposed to do or be because of my male body, but it mostly repulsed me, and even when I tried really hard to do it, I was awful at it, so I gave up a long time ago.

I wear skirts and dresses and other "women's clothes" most of the time.  I always wanted to, and about 10 years ago, I ran out of reasons not to.  I've discovered that when I do, I feel like I'm more myself.  By now, I almost feel like I'm in drag when I put on pants to go to work.

On and off, I wonder if I'm really a trans woman, but I've never had the urge to take on the female role, with all the garbage that _it_
involves.  Besides, I'd never look like anything but a man doing a bad job of pretending to be a woman, and I hate looking stupid.  As for my gender identity, I've looked, but if I have one, I can't find it.  As far as I can tell, I'm just me (which is bad enough, I suppose.)

[Tessa James]

Hey Asche welcome to Susan's.

You will hear from one of our friendly moderators about posting and such rules as exist.

This is a great place to explore those issues and wonderings of yours.

Being "just me" is a nice starting point as labels may be more restrictive than helpful.

You describe wearing women's clothes most of the time and feeling more like yourself.  I feel that same way.

It is impossible to know where this might take you but some folks here consider themselves free of gender, bigender and not female or male.

Pretty big umbrella here to keep the rain off and the thinking cap on.

Have fun,

Tessa James

[JLT1]

Welcome!!!!

You have good questions.  People here will help you in your journey to find answers. 

[Darkie]

Hello and welcome!

[Jamie D]

Welcome, Asche.  Greetings from southern California.

When it comes to one's own identity, I don't know if there is a right or wrong.  It is what it is, even if it defies labels.  From what you say in your post, it sounds as if you are gender variant.  So sure, you belong here.

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[Devlyn]

Hi Asche, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston.

"Being "just me" is a nice starting point as labels may be more restrictive than helpful." 

I'm agreeing with Tessa 100% on that. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Marissa]

Hi Asche, nice to meet ya!

No one here can tell you what you are but you can talk to us without fear of being judged.

[Asche]

Welcome!!!!

You have good questions.  People here will help you in your journey to find answers.

But what if there are no answers?  (What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? )

More to the point: I'm not sure I'm looking for "answers."  What I would love to find are people who are in a similar position to me.  People who understand.

Sometimes I feel like an Australian aborigine plunked down in a small town in Iowa or something -- I get along OK, but there's always this feeling that they only understand the part of me that's learned to pass as an ANSI-standard American.  My aborigine-ness is, for them, this incomprehensible weirdness that just makes them uncomfortable on the occasions when I inadvertently let it show.  I wish I knew another aborigine in Iowa, or at least someone from some equally far-away culture who would get what it's like to be so far away from some essential part of me.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Asche,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7636. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

[Bunny Girl Zoe]

Welcome Asche don't worry as where here to offer support.

[Tessa James]

But what if there are no answers?  (What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? )

More to the point: I'm not sure I'm looking for "answers."  What I would love to find are people who are in a similar position to me.  People who understand.

Sometimes I feel like an Australian aborigine plunked down in a small town in Iowa or something -- I get along OK, but there's always this feeling that they only understand the part of me that's learned to pass as an ANSI-standard American.  My aborigine-ness is, for them, this incomprehensible weirdness that just makes them uncomfortable on the occasions when I inadvertently let it show.  I wish I knew another aborigine in Iowa, or at least someone from some equally far-away culture who would get what it's like to be so far away from some essential part of me.

Music and dance, yes they are part of us too.  Many of us have our own metaphors for how we got "along OK" for years and sometimes decades.  I felt the presence of a shadow feminine self and in my 20's felt so dissociated from mainstream thinking that I considered that I was an alien form another planet or dimension sent here to observe the cultures.

I feel much better integrated now and recognize the twin burdens of fear and repression were not so healthy in the long run as secrets can get toxic.  I hesitate to comment on race but being transgender is as immutable IMHO.

[Taka]

But what if there are no answers?  (What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? )

i've just about given up finding that answer for myself. i simply am, and that will have to do for now.
this is an ok place to just be me though, i still haven't met any hostility when showing more sides of myself than what is commonly accepted. so even if "the answer" isn't what you're looking for (isn't that supposed to be "42"?), you might happen to find people you can talk to without having to hide parts of yourself just to be accepted.

also, the only right way to do something is your own way. copying others will only trap you in a too tight corner for any comfort.

[Asche]

Music and dance, yes they are part of us too.

Funny you should mention these.

Music has been a part of me since before I can remember anything.  Not so much performance as self-expression.  I'm in a choir and have just joined a chorus, I play piano on and off, etc.  It's like a river inside me that I have to somehow let flow through me -- or maybe it's that I have to put my feet or my body into it regularly -- or else I dry up and wither.  One time recently I performed (solo!) for my (Unitarian) church an a capella piece that I'd remembered someone singing a long time ago in an LGBT worship group, and though I'd been terrified up to the moment I opened my mouth, when I did, I felt like the NYC aqueduct was running through my body and out my mouth.  I was spaced out for the next hour or so.

And dance: I do various kinds of social dance, mostly contra and English.  (I started almost 40 years ago.)  There's something about doing stuff in time to the music and having a script for converting the music into your body that takes me outside myself.  It's harder, though, since it involves working things out with other people, and that doesn't always work.  Nice when it does, though, because it's also a way to connect with people without having to figure stuff out all the time.

[Tessa James]

Singing in the choir is one of the only things I miss about church.

Oh yes, I treasure singing and dancing and even learned square dancing as corny as that sounds.  Please do keep that vital self expression going and let the music flow... 

[Kaylee]

Hi Asche, don't worry - We're here to entertain ya!