since the day i identified myself as trans, i've been blaming people around me for not recognizing me as a boy, or at least a transboy, and trying to tag me as lesbian, because they are so ignorant about gender issues and they need to learn. (no i haven't come out yet, i just blamed them in my head) but yesterday, i looked at myself in the shoes of a stranger, and realized how unfair and ignorant i had been. i'm still deep inside the closet, so i'm pre-T, pre-op and i don't even bind. i even have these earrings pinned on my earlobes. what was i really expecting the rest of the world to believe? how can i expect somebody who has never known a transperson in their life to recognize me as a boy just because i dress and walk like one? it made me feel so bad. i hadn't been fair, and i had made myself to appear like a complete freak.
then, on a second thought, i compared my appearance with an open butch lesbian who was sitting close by, (pardon me, but i'm not a native english speaker and i learn new words everyday, and i learnt this 'butch lesbian' thing a few days back. it's not an offensive term, is it? it sounds like one to me, maybe because it's only one vowel different from an offensive term. please tell me if it is and i'll remove the word) and realized that we both look the same! i felt so depressed. i wanted so much to step out of this body!
it's been years since the dysphoria hit me so bad. last time it was even before i knew what i am is called trans, i had some dead serious crush on a girl in my class and it hurt so much that i couldn't ask her out. i was feeling so dreadful but we do different subjects now and i don't get to see her that often, so i had got over the hard times at least an year ago. but i'm feeling down again,much serious this time.
i had a bad day today, considering that dysphoria struck back just yesterday. i was at my cousin sister's wedding, and i was feeling so bitter. i hadn't realized why i always hated being at weddings before today. i'm the next oldest female child of the family, so i got a few 'YOU'RE NEXT' glances and remarks. there's this custom that the younger brother or cousin brother of the bride washing the feet of the groom, and the groom giving him a ring as a mark of gratitude. after that ritual was done, my brother sneaked up to me and asked if my groom too would give him a ring. i felt like incinerating him!
the whole day was bad. i am quite an extrovert person around the people i know. when i approach them manly, they treat me manly even without realizing it and i've been doing it successfully and avoiding depression. today i was planning to stick with these two cousin brothers around my age, using the same technique and it turned out well at the beginning. but these two younger cousin sisters arrived and i felt them (the brothers) comparing me and them. so i didn't want to hang around.
the worst part came when the dancing started. i tell you, i'm not a laid back person and i get involved in everything ignoring what others might think, but today i felt so much like a freak. i wanted to go and dance and have fun with my cousins (there are a plenty i didn't mention) but i felt awkward. what if they take me as a freak and move away when i go near? what if i don't manage to use my technique of getting along? what if i look dumb? and they had kinda paired up, girl and boy you know, and what was i to do there? so i sat back and watched them enjoy, and wished i turned invisible. and some asked me to dance, and i refused and sat there like a freak. i wanted so badly to join them, but my anxiety was not helping. i imagined myself on the dance floor, and imagined i was dancing like everybody else and that felt better.
back at home too i can't stop feeling bad. this might fade away in a few days. anyway i met some of my friends after the wedding and they asked me what i wore. they didn't just ask that, the asked if i wore a dress, a saree or a gujarati (please be kind enough to google the alien terms) arghhh! i wanted to vaporize. at home i had this little fight with my brother, and just like everyday he hit me and ran and hid behind mother. i tried to hit him back but mom was trying to protect him. this happens every time we fight but today i felt very sad because i thought mom liked him over me. i thought it was because he's the male child. i felt so depressed that i even cried! and for the first time after many years i had a suicidal thought (don't worry, i know enough not to let it go out of hand) and i suppose that signals i'm going through a bad time.
i don't know why i thought i should post all these. i just wanted to rant about it. i'm not sure if i want advise, or if i just needed a listener. i don't know. hopefully it gets back to normal. and yes, i'd like some advises on not looking like a butch lesbian before coming out. thanks if you spared a few minutes to read it all. typing it all out has already made me feel a bit better about everything happened today.
