since the day i identified myself as trans, i've been blaming people around me for not recognizing me as a boy, or at least a transboy, and trying to tag me as lesbian, because they are so ignorant about gender issues and they need to learn. (no i haven't come out yet, i just blamed them in my head) but yesterday, i looked at myself in the shoes of a stranger, and realized how unfair and ignorant i had been. i'm still deep inside the closet, so i'm pre-T, pre-op and i don't even bind. i even have these earrings pinned on my earlobes. what was i really expecting the rest of the world to believe? how can i expect somebody who has never known a transperson in their life to recognize me as a boy just because i dress and walk like one? it made me feel so bad. i hadn't been fair, and i had made myself to appear like a complete freak.

then, on a second thought, i compared my appearance with an open butch lesbian who was sitting close by, (pardon me, but i'm not a native english speaker and i learn new words everyday, and i learnt this 'butch lesbian' thing a few days back. it's not an offensive term, is it? it sounds like one to me, maybe because it's only one vowel different from an offensive term. please tell me if it is and i'll remove the word) and realized that we both look the same! i felt so depressed. i wanted so much to step out of this body!

it's been years since the dysphoria hit me so bad. last time it was even before i knew what i am is called trans, i had some dead serious crush on a girl in my class and it hurt so much that i couldn't ask her out. i was feeling so dreadful but we do different subjects now and i don't get to see her that often, so i had got over the hard times at least an year ago. but i'm feeling down again,much serious this time.

i had a bad day today, considering that dysphoria struck back just yesterday. i was at my cousin sister's wedding, and i was feeling so bitter. i hadn't realized why i always hated being at weddings before today. i'm the next oldest female child of the family, so i got a few 'YOU'RE NEXT' glances and remarks. there's this custom that the younger brother or cousin brother of the bride washing the feet of the groom, and the groom giving him a ring as a mark of gratitude. after that ritual was done, my brother sneaked up to me and asked if my groom too would give him a ring. i felt like incinerating him!

the whole day was bad. i am quite an extrovert person around the people i know. when i approach them manly, they treat me manly even without realizing it and i've been doing it successfully and avoiding depression. today i was planning to stick with these two cousin brothers around my age, using the same technique and it turned out well at the beginning. but these two younger cousin sisters arrived and i felt them (the brothers) comparing me and them. so i didn't want to hang around.

the worst part came when the dancing started. i tell you, i'm not a laid back person and i get involved in everything ignoring what others might think, but today i felt so much like a freak. i wanted to go and dance and have fun with my cousins (there are a plenty i didn't mention) but i felt awkward. what if they take me as a freak and move away when i go near? what if i don't manage to use my technique of getting along? what if i look dumb? and they had kinda paired up, girl and boy you know, and what was i to do there? so i sat back and watched them enjoy, and wished i turned invisible. and some asked me to dance, and i refused and sat there like a freak. i wanted so badly to join them, but my anxiety was not helping. i imagined myself on the dance floor, and imagined i was dancing like everybody else and that felt better.

back at home too i can't stop feeling bad. this might fade away in a few days. anyway i met some of my friends after the wedding and they asked me what i wore. they didn't just ask that, the asked if i wore a dress, a saree or a gujarati (please be kind enough to google the alien terms) arghhh! i wanted to vaporize. at home i had this little fight with my brother, and just like everyday he hit me and ran and hid behind mother. i tried to hit him back but mom was trying to protect him. this happens every time we fight but today i felt very sad because i thought mom liked him over me. i thought it was because he's the male child. i felt so depressed that i even cried! and for the first time after many years i had a suicidal thought (don't worry, i know enough not to let it go out of hand) and i suppose that signals i'm going through a bad time.

i don't know why i thought i should post all these. i just wanted to rant about it. i'm not sure if i want advise, or if i just needed a listener. i don't know. hopefully it gets back to normal. and yes, i'd like some advises on not looking like a butch lesbian before coming out. thanks if you spared a few minutes to read it all. typing it all out has already made me feel a bit better about everything happened today.

You asked if "Butch Lesbian" was a derogatory term, so I asked my gf...she said it's not, lol. In all seriousness trans people in general are very impatient when starting transition. "Why can't they see me for me NOW" sorta thing. It all takes time. Even when/if you decide to take T that will take time too. Everything is gradual.

Maybe an idea would be to write out your short term plans and long term goals. If you do that remember to be realistic about the timeline you give yourself for each step. Pick one and accomplish it (I'm going to get a binder by such and such date, etc) and then start on another. It's easy to get overwhelmed with the big picture but breaking it down and focusing on one thing at a time may help.

As far as looking like a butch lesbian a lot of transguys go through that before medical transition. You're far from alone with that experience. It's impossible to change societies views of your gender before some social or medical transition steps are accomplished. I understand it's hard but focus on yourself more and care less about other people's opinions. Ask yourself "who are these people and why is their opinion important to me?". I started doing that and felt really silly at how I had let insignificant people's opinion of me have such and affect over my life. Hold your head up, you're going to make it...one step at a time.

I kind of get what you mean with the family remarks of "your next!" and "your husband someday..." blah blah blah. I am not out either and I am pre-t as well, so my family can see that I don't dress like other girls, or like my sisters. So I feel like they know in the back of their mind about me, it's just never been said out loud and the worst part is if they know, why do they say all the "when you get married, your husband..." it's just frustrating. But kind of like you, it's not really fair for me to blame that all on them since I haven't come out yet, and they really don't know what I think or feel about myself. Somedays just suck. What always helps me is that I know things have to get better. And that I can't be the only one in the world experiencing this stuff.

Don't give up, bro.

yeah i'm feeling a lot better now. school has started after the vacation and things get so comforting when i'm at school. it's an all girls school, but i feel more masculine when i'm with my friends and they too treat me likewise without them even realizing that. i just wanted to rant that day, family gatherings always unsettle me. i dont know why, but i seem to get so dysphoric around my relatives.

and i thought i should add, at the homecoming ceremony of the couple, i decided i was not going to sit back so i tried the dance floor. but alas! that was utter failure. everyone was expecting me to dance like a girl, and i was too shy to dance the way i wanted, so i swayed this way and that way for a few minutes and gave up.