Curiosity: Being less safe

[Mr.X]

Hello girls,

I hope I don't violate any rules by posting here as a dude. I sincerely apologize if I did!

I'm a very curious person, and this question has been on my mind for a bit. When I was still presenting as a girl, one of the biggest things I hated was the fact that you can (more) easily become a victim of a crime. I never lived in very dangerous parts of my country, but my parents always had double standards towards me and my brothers. They were allowed to grab their bikes and go home, or bike back home later at night in the dark while they insisted I had someone accompany me. It is understandable, of course. Girls are at risk of rape, and you have lunatics everywhere. But for me, it was one of the biggest dealbreakers of being a girl. Why can't I be completely free and safe just like guys? Why should I even need protection just because I was considered to be a girl, and was weaker in case of an attack.

I am really wondering how you MtF's deal with this. I mean, you have been living in the relatively safe world of being a guy for at least x many years. And now as you transition, you'll be drawn into the world of women, which is as much as a blessing for you all as it can be a curse. How do you deal with this?

- A very curious Transguy

[Beth Andrea]

I carry a gun, have for the past 25+/- years now. Trained and practice with it. I do notice I walk just a bit faster than before (when I was presenting as a guy), mainly because I want to decrease the time I'm exposed to jerks who might want to confront me as "a guy wearing a dress." Even so, I don't do very risky things, like go in the "wrong" neighborhoods, confront people who may be dangerous, etc.

But if I couldn't carry, I would accept typical..."restrictions" seems such a harsh word...limits on travel, such as limiting nighttime walks, going out alone, etc. as part of being a woman in the presence of (potentially) violent men. imho, the problem isn't women going out, it's the men who are violent, and it is that angle that we need to reduce.

In the meantime...being prudent is a good thing, especially when one cannot physically fight off an aggressor.

[JennX]

I carry a gun, have for the past 25+/- years now. Trained and practice with it.

In the meantime...being prudent is a good thing, especially when one cannot physically fight off an aggressor.

This and this +100.

I also carry a firearm and have since before transitioning. There are also several different forms of self defense classes designed just for women, or physically less capable people of any gender. Being female, or different in any way does not mean you have to live in fear.

[Doctorwho?]

I'd like to interject here as someone who isn't trans, because I've never had any perception of there being that much additional danger to being a female. (Technically I have an IS history - but it's not really relevant.) Yes I can be raped, then so could a man if his attacker were that way inclined, and indeed he would be far more likely to get beaten up than I would.

Perhaps I am fortunate in that I am a fairly large and powerfully built woman. I don't think I could exactly pass for male, but perhaps my size and no nonsense looks have helped me to escape any issues.

I think also the fact that I grew up in an affluent area of London with parents who were relaxed to the point of being nearly horizontal helped me not to feel threatened. They used to warn me to stay away from certain areas known for trouble, and they encouraged us to go out in pairs rather than alone, but they never really stopped me doing anything, and indeed I think those would be sensible precautions irrespective of gender considerations.

So in reality I feel that this notion of being a woman being so much more dangerous than being male is possibly a bit over stated. Around my training hospital there is a place called dog->-bleeped-<- alley which, when the side gate is locked at weekends, becomes the quickest and most direct route from the med school to my flat.

We female students have been warned not to use dog->-bleeped-<- alley alone after dark, and indeed I don't - but I do walk around the other London streets fairly freely even quite late at night. I don't carry any weapons although I do have a rape alarm, but ironically in 30 or so years that I've been an adult the one time I've been anywhere close to raped was in the so called security of my own room, with a man whom I did fancy, but was probably technically too drunk to consent to! So that doesn't exactly seem to count.

So I think it depends of where you live, and maybe how you were conditioned by your upbringing, because the truth is that providing you apply common sense the perception of danger is probably greater than the reality. That's not to say one shouldn't be careful, but just that you don't need to live in fear.

[Jamie D]

I'd like to interject here as someone who isn't trans, because I've never had any perception of there being that much additional danger to being a female. (Technically I have an IS history - but it's not really relevant.) Yes I can be raped, then so could a man if his attacker were that way inclined, and indeed he would be far more likely to get beaten up than I would.

SNIP

Do you say that because you have always felt female, even before SRS?  For me, being bigendered, even though I am (internally) feminine at times, I am still, in almost all real life situations, perceived as male.  Perhaps I am unable to relate to the additional dangers females sometimes experience, because of their being women.

[Northern Jane]

It isn't the appearance of being "weaker" and smaller that presents the danger but the appearance of being female and the assumption of what is between your legs!

I learned my lesson early when I was just 15 and was abducted off of a city street. I didn't think I looked particularly feminine or sexy but I was lucky to escape with my life and (relatively) unharmed. I am sure the intent was rape but if they had found out that I wasn't what they thought I was, I may well have ended up dead.

That was 50 years ago and ever since then I have tried to follow the advice normally given to women and young girls, like being aware of your surroundings and avoid places where you may be alone and vulnerable.

I would never carry a gun for protection against humans, first because I would hesitate to kill someone and that could get ME killed, and second gun is only of use if you have the time and opportunity to use it - when I was abducted, I never saw it coming.

It sucks, but that's the way life is.

[Joanna Dark]

Well I am thinking about getting pepper spray or something because I have had several incidents. One time, this guy was on the train platform and he kept telling me how sexy i look and started grabbing my ass and tellingme he wants to F*** me. He followed me on the train, then got off at my stop and kept following me before he finally left. Then last week I was giving a homeless guy a quarted and as I bent down he told me that I had a hot little body and he could do all kids of things to me. He followed me too. I told him if he didn't leave me alone I would yell rape to get him to stop pestering me but mainly he was trying to sell me drugs. And then accused me of taking them. My BF was there so I wasn't in any danger. Yesterday, i was changing in an alleyway after work and this guy rode by on a bike and luckliy he didn't see my boobs but he passed and then as I was walking away I noticed he was again at the end of the alleyway staring at me. I apparently attract a lot of creepers. This other guy even gave me a hug yesterday and told me that he loved me lol but he was harmless. He was kinda cute too. But yeah I should get pepper spray. I don't like guns so that is out plus it would just be taken off me as I am all of 5'5 and 130 lbs.

I got beat up a lot as a guy though because of how femme i look and am so I actually think my chances of being assaulted have dropped dramatically.

[Sammy]

I have to admit that after starting my transition I do feel at times more .... vulnerable? in some places - especially in the empty office buildings during the weekends (when I happen to find myself at times, if I need to pick some things from my office), when I jog during evenings and mostly when I am alone and after dark. It is a totally new feeling and I sometimes laugh about it trying to convince myself that I am just exaggerating and it all is BS... But it is not. I have to admit that I do not pass yet - I have been miss'ed a couple of times in the street as well, but at my current stage it is rather an exception than a rule. Nevertheless...

The HRT has completely changed my attitude and I had to readjust A LOT of things. When I was in total denial in guy mode and was in potentially dangerous surroundings I used to project the attitude "I am the most dangerous person here" or "What are You looking at? Dont even think about it". I cannot do that anymore, because pretty much of that was induced by T - there are a lot of things associated with male presentation and conditioning, which are very much depending on T - as You will find out). So what do I do now? I carry pepper spray, sometimes blank shot revolver loaded with pepper and CS rounds - that thing is also heavy enough to club someone over the head if needed. I have always been aware of my surrounding, but I am paying even more attention now, besides, if I see someone I dont like, then I just cross the street.
I have more than decade of training in martial arts, so I am pretty confident that I could handle one unarmed attacker with basic training, or two unarmed untrained ones (more than two if those are 18-20 y.o. punks). An attack against man starts with a punch, but attack against woman - with a grab and hold - so I am actually in advantage here - the closer he is to me, the easier for me would be to chin or jaw him with my elbow (potential K.O.).
But my best defense actually is to try to stay away from potentially dangerous situations...
It was quite funny that my male friends, as soon as I came out to them, took that patronising attitude that "whoever messes with me, will have to deal with them etc". It was quite nice to hear, but at the same time I felt like "Do they really think that I am instantly turning into someone who is unable to hold her own ground? Really?" So I challenged my friend to a round of arm-wrestling and since it ended with a draw (I could never win against him, but neither could he get a decisive victory), he ended to be confident that I can be safe

[Xhianil]

Even though i am not female (or even out of the closet) yet I've been beat up once or twice, now i carry a knife for personal protection, i am fairly good at using it and if thrown( 29 outa 30 times) it sticks in my target, usually a paper on a tree.

[Donna Elvira]

I'm with Doctorwho on this question. Statistically, males are far more often the victims of violent attacks than females. I have seen figures in the past but couldn't find them but seem to remember that a male is 10 ten times more likely to be the victim of physical violence than a female. Bar & street brawls, gang conflicts etc.. are very typical examples of what I'm talking about. Even domestic violence is far more balanced than many people would intuitively believe, about 40% against males and 60% against females.

However there is far more sexual violence against women and I guess that's the scary bit. Also, I guess when a woman is attacked, she is generally less capable of defending herself than most guys, or even running away.

Clothing can add considerably to the feeling of vulnerability. When wearing a dress and heels you are really not in the best position for fight or flight and, at a very basic level, provides far less protection than typical male clothing.

So, to get back to the orginal question, I guess I do feel more vulnerable when going out as woman, especially when I'm dressed up but, overall, not so much as to really think about too much except when out very late in isolated places, something that doesn't happen very often.
Hugs
Donna

[Tessa James]

Hey Mr. X I really appreciate the opportunity to hear from a Transguy dude and consider your post a nice invitation to share our ideas.  How different is your sense of safety now?

Personal safety is an important responsibility for any of us and my perspective is that guns in this culture make us less safe but that is worthy of another thread. 

I had a bit of a melt down one night after talking with family about their concerns if I am out at night and how "vulnerable" we are. 

I became really angry and even belligerent and finally weepy thinking anyone would dare to limit my freedom.  I have traveled all over the USA on a bicycle as a guy and found my low key and low threat profile made it easy to be approachable and feel safe.  A smile is most often returned.

Things are different now.  I can attract a kind of attention that I warned my own daughter about.  I used to keep a wary, searching the perimeter, focus and would engage in direct eye contact.  I don't feel like that anymore and recognize less certainty about what a nice smile from a guy is all about.  Women, on the other hand, are more ready to smile and chat as I have apparently joined the club and am seen as less of a threat perhaps?

Situational awareness, avoiding obvious dangers, acquiring and practice with self defense are great ideas.  Attitude is another key.  Feeling strong and confident can be seen in the way we walk and this girl is stronger not weaker than "him" and carries a mean purse.  I also have a good sized and beautiful transgender dog ;-) (yes he had an orchiectomy) named Emmet/Emy Lou and he is wonderfully reassuring company for my night time outings.  Somehow I have avoided any need to be in a physical fight for over 40 years.  Most people are kind and good to each other.

Guns are statistically used in the gun happy USA to harm their owners and others much more often than for self defense.  As an 18 yo soldier I lived in a situation where virtually everybody had access to automatic weapons and as a medic I saw almost as many "friendly fire" wounds as from our so called enemy.

Fear and ignorance are the real enemies I face.

[Aina]

Even now, since I am pre-everthing I always keep an eye out when I am walking to my car alone/go some where alone. I've always been a small short skinny and well even when I've taken martial arts and to this day practice it I still get nervous about being attacked/mugged.

I don't honestly think guys are safer from being attacked. I heard somewhere is you need to act and move as if you know where your going - don't look like a victim meaning don't look timid, know where your going even when you don't know act like you do and if you do your less likely to be picked as a possible victim.

Its always good to have something to use as protection in-case you do. While I don't agree with guns in general, if it makes you feel more safe then carry one. I always have my keys in hand you can use those to smack an attack or other things.

But the original question, everyone should play it safe when your alone!

[Sabrina]

I'm personally not sure how I would handle things. I guess being tall and always looking natural angry will help keep some away. I'm only in the very beginning stages and haven't had the situation come up yet. However, I am very aware of my surrounding and am always looking out for potential trouble.

[Mr.X]

Thank you all for the very interesting replies and viewpoints, ladies. It is truly interesting to discuss this.

I can already see that carrying a gun is a common way of dealing with these things. I had not even considered that option. As an European citizen, it would take a lot of effort to be allowed to carry a gun. It is not really an option here.

There do seem to be continental differences going on here. There is rarely any gang activity in my country. Drug wars and the likes are also barely existant. So when taking those factors away, the only way a guy could get in trouble was indeed bar fights, or random brawls/roberies. Still a risk indeed, but completely different from the risk of being assaulted or worse as a lady.

I do completely understand that both genders should be on their guard when out and about at night, or shady areas. That is a given. I was mainly referring to the double standard that goes with it, and just feeling a little less safe. This doesn't have to be downright fear. I doubt anyone is really afraid on the streets unless you'd wander into a very bad part of a city. 

How different is your sense of safety now?

It has changed a lot, yes. I did not grow in size, of course, and am still very short. But I do feel safer, knowing that men won't likely assault me because of their own needs.

Such a shame that many of you have seen a shift in how safe you feel when you are out and about, and feel the need to carry a gun or other kinds of protection. It should not happen in modern times.

Thank you all for your insights!

[Stella Stanhope]

Hi there everyone!

Interesting comments. I am concerned that when on HRT, I may loose a sense of confidence in defending myself or simply being comfortable in potentially dangerous areas. Even the most boyish/tough cis-girls I have dated or befriended tend to get frightened or cautious alot sooner than the cis-guys do. Perhaps testosterone overides these worries and simply makes males feel more invisible, regardless of their actual physical presence or fighting prowess?

As for myself - I've been in an interesting position, as I had stunted growth as a kid, right up until my mid-20's. So I didn't tend to have much in the way of male privilege socially. I also got followed home a few times when I was in my early-mid 20's. As from behind or in low-light, I looked like a young girl. This has pretty much ceased now that I'm in my late 20's, especially now my hairline is reeceding and my skin is now very guyish, despite the fact that I'm still well within the female-build range.
If I was on HRT, perhaps I'd be going back to the days when I had some issues with being out on my own, or in potentially dangerous places.

I wish I could carry a gun. And I don't have my hand-taser anymore. I guess it'll have to be self defence classes for me. Or I great creative with the uses of meat mallets, staplers and other potentially scary stationary :-)

[Doctorwho?]

Do you say that because you have always felt female, even before SRS?  For me, being bigendered, even though I am (internally) feminine at times, I am still, in almost all real life situations, perceived as male.  Perhaps I am unable to relate to the additional dangers females sometimes experience, because of their being women.

No Jamie - I say that because my "transition" (such as it was) took place when I was literally FIVE! So I've lived pretty well all of my just over 50 years as a female. I did have a slight hiccup in my late teens when a doctor wouldn't play ball with timely corrective surgery - but that was eventually all sorted, and anyway I'd been pretty well raised and socialised as a girl from dot. Also if you're talking about medical treatment an surgery - for me that was all over and past history nearly 30 years ago!!! and the only operations I'm likely to attend these days are ones which I am performing myself (on a patient).

[Bookworm]

I have wondered and thought about this question myself. I know that I fear for what will happen once I do start hrt. I think though that my real fear is more about people I have know becoming angry once they find out I am transitioning.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I am more worried about my safety as a girl. I think that is possibly just because I care more about myself now though. Before I didn't much care what happened to me or to my body. Now I value and look after myself a lot more.

I have had one sexual assault against me as a girl about 2-3 months ago. That wasn't pleasant but it wasn't that bad (it didn't get as far as penetration) but still. It was enough to make me more careful.  As a femme boy I had similar stuff and just plain straight violence, but it didn't bother me as much as I didn't respect myself like I do now, so I didn't worry much about taking care.

I suppose maybe I see it as a good thing. Odd. :-)

Akira x

[pebbles]

It must be an American thing, The notion of carrying a gun even for self defence seems monstrous to me, Rule is never wield a weapon you'd hesitate in it's use in a dangerous situation, a GUN hell yeah I'd hesitate those things KILL people, Yeah I'd hesitate, even if someone was aggressive towards me. I wonder if this mentality is why there are so many shootings in the US compared to the rest of the world.

Taser or pepper spray yeah I could imagine using those in the dangerous situations I've experienced.

As for feeling more vulnerable... No not really, I was subjected to bullying as a teenager, the male strength didn't help me in those cases because of overwhelming number of my attackers, outside of those incidents as an adult I've only had a couple of incidents where a drunk guy tried to pick a fight with me. And another incident where a group of guys surrounded me acted threatening before one of them say "Nahh wait it's not him" and they all backed off. which was alittle spooky.

As a female, there again have only been a couple of incidents, where I felt my safety was in jeopardy, one was a creep exposing/touching himself and leering at me in public and standing very close (Sexual assault sort of) when I was alone at a bus stop, that was weird as much as unsettling, the other was a genuinely frightening time where a Christian fundamentalist tormented me for months when he learned I was trans through an ID reference, I was stuck living with him, when he became really sadistic I shouted at him and he pinned me against the wall it was terrifying, because you realize just how frighteningly strong men are. This is was transphobia as much as anything.

So yeah... :/ the incidents ARE different and my gender at the time influencing them did change them but they are probably about as bad as each other.

[MaidofOrleans]

I'm an American and guns disgust me. That's my personal opinion, if you like them I don't care but I consider them cowardly. I carry a knife with me for self defense but I mostly use it for utility things like cutting tape, cord, etc. I never feel unsafe because I just don't think about such things when i'm out and about. I'm also lucky that I pass and i'm white so that is a big plus. I try to avoid putting myself in any situation that would warrant me to feel fear in the first place.