Coming out as??

[Harlow]

I haven't come out yet except to my husband and my therapist. As of now I identify as genderqueer/gender fluid and have just begun HRT (1 month to the day) so no reason to come out yet. I have been dressing a lot more feminine lately but because of my natural tendency to be a chameleon and have an unconventional fashion sense no one is the wiser.

It will be interesting as the changes start to get more dramatic because as of right now I definitely don't identify as a woman. That is why I'm posting because I'm a little bit in the middle or a better word would be limbo. I never plan on having SRS and at the moment I don't plan on going by she or her. I guess because I've lived so long as a gay man and effeminate (not queeny) at that, that I'm used to being "one of the girls" while still being gendered as male. I consider myself transgender because I'm under that umbrella, but for the moment at least I don't consider myself a transgender woman.

Not to sound shallow or discouraging to others, but I just feel that if I'm not going to come out looking like Carmen Carrera and 100% believable that I rather just be androgynous. However when I think of boobs growing it starts me to think, well...you'll have boobs so people will expect you to identify as female?!?! That's the part I get confused on, idk.

I don't plan on coming out to my family unless they ask as I really don't care if they know that part of my life. I plan on binding my chest like a trans guy and go with the flow. Of course if they ask or notice changes I'll be honest with them. Even as a "gay" man I have dressed down and toned down my appearance when I visit for family functions. Although even if I expect them to come to my work and what not, if they are on my turf they get 100% me I won't dress down. It's a compromise I've set for myself and I'm okay with that, it doesn't upset me or anything (my gender fluid side I guess).

So back to boobs lol, once those grow in I feel everything will change at that point idk... Will I decide to tell everyone to call me she & her?? Or will I just let people call me what they want?? Are these normal feelings for someone just starting to transition, or as someone who identifies as genderqueer will I remain in the I don't care call me what you will. Because as of right now that is where I am, but I think the boobs are going to throw everyone off.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't care what people identify me as, I just want to be me and that isn't gender specific. But people will see boobs and I just know they are going to want to call me the right things and be all PC but it really doesn't matter to me at all. I may change my mind once more changes happen, but I feel that if I did change my mind it would only be to make it easier on other people and wouldn't really be for me.

I also have seen some wonderful before and afters of you guys and ladies and wow what changes can happen. So if my results are going to be really dramatic, maybe I will just go full steam ahead with the whole female thing ...

This is where I start to think in circles 

Any feedback would be appreciated. I don't have any trans friends or anything so I haven't had anyone to talk to about these thoughts.

[Ltl89]

Hey Harlow,

I'd like to help, but I'm a bit confused about your situation.  Do you mind me asking some questions?  I realize you are genderqueer and feminine, but where exactly on the spectrum do you fit in?  I guess what I mean is how feminine do you hope to present?  If you are genderqueer, but present as a feminine male, then I don't think you have to necessarily come out.   Perhaps explain the situation to family as they should probably be aware, but I don't know if you have to go through the same coming out process with everyone else if you'd like to avoid it..  However, if you plan on looking female while maintaining a male identity, I suppose people will probably ask you about that.   In any case, whatever the situation is, you should just be honest about your situation.  Come out with the proper pronouns and explain your situation as honestly as possible.  While this is a personal decision, I believe you should choose the pronouns that best reflect your identity rather than your appearance.  Then again, it can be confusing for others, so I realize why you would consider adopting the most suitable pronouns.  Sorry I can't be too much help.  As a transgirl, our situations are very different.  I hope another genderfluid person will come here and offer you their insights and experiences.

[Harlow]

Sorry I had a really bad head cold. Only lasted 2 days but the exhaustion lasted a whole week. So I didn't even log on once.

Anyway your post is very helpful and along the same thoughts as I'm having. I guess for me I've never fit the norm as far as dressing goes. I've always pushed the boundaries with style and hair etc. and that also includes gender and androgyny.

So even though I'm on HRT I think I'm already comfortable in that role as genderqueer. Since I'm in the early stages that is how I'm currently presenting myself, others close to me just see it as me switching up my style. So as of right now I'm okay with that, but on the other hand changes and possibly big changes will be happening soon. That is where I'm starting to think about how I'm going to have to explain myself. It also depends on how much results I get as well. If I get really good results I could very well go the whole way as identifying as female. I just don't think I'll get that far, but idk.

I'm kind of on the fence on the whole matter. My first go at HRT when I was 22/23 I stopped because I feared I'd be a man with boobs and the whole family thing. This time around at 35 I feel it's my life and you only get 1 as far as we know it. So regardless of how femme I get I'm going to be happy with the results and if being a femme genderqueer person is as far as I get then I'm totally cool with that too.

I haven't gotten any questions yet by others but I'm anticipating them. I guess I just don't want to confuse people and I don't want them to think I'm confused. Because I'm definitely not this time around. My partner is 100% supportive and that is all I care about.

I guess it boils down to how to explain my identity to people who have no understanding of gender issues. Like here we all discuss stuff and if anyone not trans or doesn't know of any trans people, all of these posts would confuse the heck out of them. It's stuff they never even think about or at least think a lot less of it then we all do.

[smile_jma]

I don't think you have to come out AS anything, especially if you identify as gender queer. Telling people to make them think you're not confused is like putting yourself back into 1 of the 2 boxes, when we clearly know there are not. I know you probably don't want to have to keep explaining yourself about who you are, so if need be, you could write a letter or snippet and keep that with you and if people ask, tell them to read it. That way you won't have left anything out or added information that's not quite important.

On the other hand, people like using pronouns. It does make speaking a little easier. For that, if your friends are OK with it, let them call you whatever you want, or to match with how you are presenting that day. Or you could use a gender neutral pronoun altogether.

[Ltl89]

Sorry I had a really bad head cold. Only lasted 2 days but the exhaustion lasted a whole week. So I didn't even log on once.

Anyway your post is very helpful and along the same thoughts as I'm having. I guess for me I've never fit the norm as far as dressing goes. I've always pushed the boundaries with style and hair etc. and that also includes gender and androgyny.

So even though I'm on HRT I think I'm already comfortable in that role as genderqueer. Since I'm in the early stages that is how I'm currently presenting myself, others close to me just see it as me switching up my style. So as of right now I'm okay with that, but on the other hand changes and possibly big changes will be happening soon. That is where I'm starting to think about how I'm going to have to explain myself. It also depends on how much results I get as well. If I get really good results I could very well go the whole way as identifying as female. I just don't think I'll get that far, but idk.

I'm kind of on the fence on the whole matter. My first go at HRT when I was 22/23 I stopped because I feared I'd be a man with boobs and the whole family thing. This time around at 35 I feel it's my life and you only get 1 as far as we know it. So regardless of how femme I get I'm going to be happy with the results and if being a femme genderqueer person is as far as I get then I'm totally cool with that too.

I haven't gotten any questions yet by others but I'm anticipating them. I guess I just don't want to confuse people and I don't want them to think I'm confused. Because I'm definitely not this time around. My partner is 100% supportive and that is all I care about.

I guess it boils down to how to explain my identity to people who have no understanding of gender issues. Like here we all discuss stuff and if anyone not trans or doesn't know of any trans people, all of these posts would confuse the heck out of them. It's stuff they never even think about or at least think a lot less of it then we all do.

Hey Harlow,

I'm sorry but I'm not the best for this question and don't want to mislead you in any way.  This is a sensitive topic and you should get adequate feedback on such a matter.  The only thing I would suggest is to maybe visit the androgyne board and see what others in a similar situation have done.  You may get more substantial answers from someone there and get the feedback you deserve.  Good luck and hope everything goes well!

[Robin Mack]

Dear Harlow...

Whatever gender you choose to identify with is just that; your choice.  You seem, by your description, to be one of those rare gems who defies gender.  I thought, for a while, I might be like you describe yourself, but after a lot (LOT) of introspection and going over events in my life that I really, truly am female.  And, I will admit, I was a bit disappointed in that.   

You may decide that no gender pronouns that currently exist are appropriate for you, or you may continue to be a chameleon.  I would imagine that this *could* be a harder road than correcting a binary gender issue, but at least society is beginning to realize it is a valid option.

Alternatively, you may find as you go further down your path that you truly do identify more as female.  Perhaps you will get full SRS and be gender-fluid from a predominately female perspective.

All I can say is that you are beautiful, regardless of gender markers or genitals.  You also seem to have the wisdom to be honest with yourself, one of the great markers of success in life.  I wish I could give you answers... but it appears that your journey will be uniquely yours, uniquely distinct and beautiful.  You are exploring a vast and exciting realm few even know about, and that is exciting.  Please keep us posted!