it's a longer road than i thought!

[greenroot22]

i've been struggling for a while now with trying to figure out who and what i am. i've been trying to get it all straight in my head, but it doesn't want to do that some times.

it's not like there hasn't been progress...

i've figured out that i'm non-binary, or so it seems for the moment from my point of view. and i know it could change when i start to make some progress. there are just too many unanswered questions that i don't think i'll get the answer to until i get on estrogen and Spiro. but then again it's turning into a mess trying to get anywhere with the va hospital. some of the doctors are not all that bad, but trying to see a decent specialist is beginning to look like a lost cause for me. they have one, but he did more harm than i would have thought possible in one session.

yes i dumped him like a hot potatoe, and even then it had me so down i was thinking about killing myself.

But i didn't!

it's just frustrating that my anxieties and problems that seem to be cause by my gender dysphoria are eating away at me, and making a bigger mess of my life. and i'm just sitting here forced to wait to get one of the few treatments that should be able to do something for me, and get me to a point where i can live my life.

i can't fathom why it's so hard to do anything about this, when i've never been sure of anything in my life like i am with hrt. i feel that i need it so bad, and to have to go through people that have no clue what i am going through right now.

if i can find another job i would go diy, but right now i just have to wait for the doctors...

[ativan]

Hang in there. What went wrong with the specialist?
Sometimes they don't seem like they are on your side, but they should at least have someone you can talk with.
Be persistent and insist on getting treatment.
I know the VA is messed up, but they are getting their stuff together.
Look for other avenues like county/state assistance if at all possible.
It takes time, regardless of who you see, so don't let it get you down.
Things are happening at a far faster pace than they were a few short years ago for many people.
Ativan

[justpat]

  The VA has its problems but they have been great with me.We have an advocate here to go to if we have problems.I did not like my PCP and I went to the advocate and she was able to have me assigned to a more gender friendly PCP and she has been wonderful.She set up my shrink visit who passed me and set up my visit to the ENDO in Miami in NOV. I am on my way thanks to them.  YEA !!! 
PM me and I will ask if they have an advocate in your area.  Pat

[Jamie D]

Hey there, greenroot.  I can tell you from my own perspective I have a devil of a time trying to filter out what has been my male socialization from what my innate responses are.

I have long recognized my "girl inside," but she is not the only one there.  There's a guy inside too, and in some situations, the guy takes over.

For me it sometimes seems that I just have to not always act on my instincts, but take the time to contemplate how I am going to deal with things.  If I do that, it tends to be a result that is much more cooperative, rather than a reflex action to join the melee.

[greenroot22]

Ativan, the problem could have been that our personalities were incompatible our something. But after one session and a phone call, well, it just seemed like he didn't give a hoot about me. If they are supposed to help me with the most difficult time in my life thus far, caring at least a little bit is sort of a requirement.

Main psychologist is a god send though. She might not be trained to deal with this, but she has helped me through some tough times thus far.

Buddy, most of the doctors themselves have been fine for the most part, it's just the one person who is supposed to know what they are doing obviously doesn't.

That leaves me trying to move through the system right now, and it sort of feels like I'm on my own, even though that's not quite entirely true.

Jamie, I'm still trying to figure out the details with what is going on inside my own head. I know I want hormones more than anything, but after that my plan sort of gets vague.

I know I want different things, like SRS, but why I want them is the question. But at least it's not the same need right now as hormones are. My only problem is that I am having trouble functioning as a human right now. But, when you look at it, I've been having trouble functioning for the last 12 years of my life.

Hugs,
Sophia

[Taka]

the road for non-binary people really does seem longer than what should be necessary. some of us require less changes, the doctors should be happy about this, but instead doubt our reasons. because of that big binary answer... *sigh*

i've been trying for about two years now to find someone who can help me, but it really does seem like there are only one or two doctors in this country who could take on a non-binary person. i'd have to travel a thousand miles to see either. that's a long road, don't you think?

[Shantel]

the road for non-binary people really does seem longer than what should be necessary. some of us require less changes, the doctors should be happy about this, but instead doubt our reasons. because of that big binary answer... *sigh*

i've been trying for about two years now to find someone who can help me, but it really does seem like there are only one or two doctors in this country who could take on a non-binary person. i'd have to travel a thousand miles to see either. that's a long road, don't you think?

Yes it's a long road but sometimes we have no choice but to travel it. What I find most disconcerting are those "counselors" and others in the business that look down their noses and in a condescending tone and manner tell us that we will have to present as either male or female when it's all said and done. Sometimes it forces nice folks to become liars and play their games saying what they want to hear just to get past the BS and move forward.

[Taka]

if i lied, the road would be much shorter. but i refuse to do so, it won't help anyone other than me in the end. or i could end up in a place that i don't like.

[Shantel]

if i lied, the road would be much shorter. but i refuse to do so, it won't help anyone other than me in the end. or i could end up in a place that i don't like.

Principles win out over dysphoria, I admire that! Many feel constrained to lie just to make it to where they need to be, it shouldn't be that way but unfortunately we are surrounded by those gatekeepers who insist on playing deus ad dominus with other people's lives.

[Kendall]

I don't know much about the gates and gatekeepers. Things seem to be slowly changing overall, though depending on the individuals and situations.

[Taka]

slowly changing?

yeah, some private practitioners started taking in non-binary patients in norway and denmark. now the danish government has stated a witch hunt to eradicate all those doctors in their country, or at least explicitly forbid them from administering hormones to anyone who isn't diagnosed by the national clinic that only deals with strictly transsexual people. same is likely to happen in norway if things continue like this.

things were slowly changing for a while, but now they're rapidly moving backwards.