Transgender is a Gift

[Ciara]

I understand exactly what Dr Zoey is saying here in the original post and I can agree to an extent. For me however the real gift would have been to be born a genetic girl, grow from a little girl through my teenage years into a young woman. Then hopefully I could have gone on to to experience amazing things like carrying a child, giving birth, breast feeding and developing that special bond that exists only between a mother and child. For me these amazing experiences would far outweigh flying a jet or helicopter. However, as I have the affliction of a man's body, I will never have those experiences.

So the next best gift in such circumstances is to be transgender. The gift comes with much pain, much anxiety and much distress. We should never underestimate the way it effects many of us including myself at times. However I do agree that it may be considered a gift. I would rather to know what it is to be a woman in a man's body, than to never know being a woman at all. For me, that is the extent of the gift I have received. So as I am not a genetic woman, I am glad that I am blessed with being transgender.....despite the pain.

Ciara.

[Emmaline]

To find a silver lining in a dark cloud...

I get to be part of the trans community- a small collective of people who I identify and who share triumphs and tragedies in a world stacked heavily against us.  Of all the challenging, I will use the term condition here for want to a better word, conditions- ours is one with a pathway through it which we all can help guide each other through.

I am special.  Yes, in a sucky way, but there is a tiny sense of pride that I won the 1 in the 11, 500ish unlucky draw to be trans and ontop of that the 5% trans homosexual draw (a girl brain that likes girls).  Its like Garp buying the house the plane crashes into because 'what are the odds of it happening again?'  I guess.  So I am er... gifted... with having to deal with a rare set of challenges in life rather than a mundane set.

I see both sides of the coin... it gives me a distinct vantage point on relationships. 

I get to tell girls what ->-bleeped-<- guys get up to with confidence.   It makes me a great girl shoulder to cry on.

Other then that (oh... we get a cool flag and logo I suppose.)  being trans is a big, painful, life consuming, traumatic pile of steaming s#@!.

[DrBobbi]

Hi, To be clear I have suffered about as much as anyone diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria has, with my almost five decades of self loathing, OCD, and depression, some of it close to the point of having given notice and planning my own death. Then there's the loss that comes with coming out. I have lost a career, a job, so-called friends, and my family, including my 29 year-old daughter who hasn't said a word to me in almost 6 months. Let's not forget the transphobic media that's taken all my privacy. In an attempt to "control" my story after being outed I have had to sit on national TV programs and be subjected to questions about my genitals. Nice.

HOWEVER, the unique insight I have, and WILL have in this next life will more than make up for it. That's how I choose to look at my new life and my "gift." I choose to be happy. Happy, because happy is better than self pity. Happy, because happy is infectious. Happy, because I have made hundreds of new friends that share my sense of adventure.

Depression? Anger? Self-pity? Been there, done that. On Estradiol I haven't had a depressed hour in 140 days and will not go back to that life. You must give up the past to be free to live your future.

Join me!

[DrBobbi]

To me being born with GID/trans was like being born with no legs. And for religious reasons my parents would not allow me to use a wheel chair or get artificial legs so I spent the first part of my life not being able to participate in anything.  After many years of isolation and mental suffering, envy (etc.), I was finally able to get artificial legs.  I had to get the hang of them but pretty soon I was walking around, going places, meeting people and experiencing community.

So, Kate G, you, like me, choose to be happy. 

[A]

DrZoey: Yeah well uhm. I'm glad you can see it that way. Thing is, I don't have a unique outlook or life. I haven't "seen life as a guy". Or lived as a guy, for that matter. Only as a girl, and that normal outlook is only special in that it's crippled.

I don't think anyone ever acknowledged me as a "real guy". (Hell it was a running gag in high school that I was "Gender: Undetermined"). I never understood guys, and I never interacted with people as a guy, because people just don't interact with a "guy" that gives no sign of being one as they interact with a guy, not at all. Yet because of my body I still wasn't a girl.

Guys interacted with me roughly like they would with a girl, but a girl they wouldn't be interested in in a hundred years. With the occasional awkwardness where they tried to do something that one would usually do with guys and it only ended in awkwardness and me not understanding. It's very hard not to act awkwardly with someone whose body signals is a guy but whose personality signals is a girl. As for girls, they'd roughly treat me like a girl like them, but they'd often leave me out, because "girls' stuff" doesn't allow guys, and because there are some things like sexuality that teenagers just won't talk about around guys. And there were  awkward moments when I was expected to get a clue and act like a guy, with them, too.

The best way I think I can say I've lived is as a very lonely, misunderstood, rejected girl.

Does that give me a different outlook? Yeaaaaah, I guess you can say someone who was social and popular won't see life the same. But lonely, rejected girls are a pretty common class of people. Whoever was nerdy, poor, ugly, out of fashion, tall, fat, flat-chested, weak, academically weak or whatever reason kids find to bully people is the same. So my outlook on life is only special in the same way as any socially disadvantaged girl's is. That is, I'm probably more compassionate than average.

But being trans is more than being unpopular, internally. It comes with a lot of "bonus" negative stuff that most unpopular people don't get. And to begin with it's a bit sick to say having been bullied is a good thing.

Emmaline: Not that it's any consolation, but statistically there are more lesbian/bi than straight trans girls.

[Jennygirl]

The title says it all!! Thank you for this wonderfully positive thread

[Ltl89]

Hi, To be clear I have suffered about as much as anyone diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria has, with my almost five decades of self loathing, OCD, and depression, some of it close to the point of having given notice and planning my own death. Then there's the loss that comes with coming out. I have lost a career, a job, so-called friends, and my family, including my 29 year-old daughter who hasn't said a word to me in almost 6 months. Let's not forget the transphobic media that's taken all my privacy. In an attempt to "control" my story after being outed I have had to sit on national TV programs and be subjected to questions about my genitals. Nice.

HOWEVER, the unique insight I have, and WILL have in this next life will more than make up for it. That's how I choose to look at my new life and my "gift." I choose to be happy. Happy, because happy is better than self pity. Happy, because happy is infectious. Happy, because I have made hundreds of new friends that share my sense of adventure.

Depression? Anger? Self-pity? Been there, done that. On Estradiol I haven't had a depressed hour in 140 days and will not go back to that life. You must give up the past to be free to live your future.

Join me!

DrZoey, I really do appreciate your optimism and in no way do I intend to rain on your parade, but I simply disagree that this is a gift.  Sure, we can overcome adversity and find a happy life through our transition; however, that doesn't over rule the the hardships we had to endure.  The real gift would have been being born cis and never having to go through all of the bullying (physical and emotional), social isolation, depression and anxiety that I faced because of being transgender.  To be honest, I can't find the gift of my past and I'd rather forget some of it.  Despite that, not everything was bad.  There were certainly good things in my past, but my experience is that it is not a gift.  While I'm seriously happy some of you can see it as a gift, not all of us have the same opinion. 

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with being trans and many of our struggles are unfairly exacerbated by an ignorant and misunderstanding society.  We can take solace by looking forward to our future and fight to find happiness while coping with the hardships.    Even though it isn't a gift, in my opinion, it shouldn't have to be a curse and we can find ways to mitigate the struggles that we endure.   Whether that be transitioning or something else, that's great.  Therefore, gift or not, let us all agree that we should find the best path forward that will lead us to better understanding of ourselves and personal happiness.   Despite our different perspectives, we can still reach similar conclusions and believe looking forward in a positive manner is the best strategy. 

[A]

Yes uhm, this. It's a bit like the idea of trans pride. I can definitely understand and I actually support the idea of being proud of having found happiness and not being ashamed despite being trans. But being proud of being trans in and of itself... no, I just can't see it.

It's like being proud of being black. What's so special about being black that would make you be proud of it? Being proud of what your ancestors did for your rights, and being proud of not falling to racism? Aaah, that's another story.

[vlmitchell]

Yes uhm, this. It's a bit like the idea of trans pride. I can definitely understand and I actually support the idea of being proud of having found happiness and not being ashamed despite being trans. But being proud of being trans in and of itself... no, I just can't see it.

It's like being proud of being black. What's so special about being black that would make you be proud of it? Being proud of what your ancestors did for your rights, and being proud of not falling to racism? Aaah, that's another story.

Hmm... what's funny is that you answer your own question there. Being proud to be trans is embracing the fact that you *are*, in fact, trans in the very same way that black pride is embracing all that comes with being black. I went to a high school where I was one of three white kids in my graduating class of over 300 so, I was able to gain an understanding of what it really meant when they said that they were proud of it both back in the day and in modern times. It's an embracing of one's self and a casting off of the feelings of inferiority and disenfranchisement that come with being an oppressed class. I live openly as a transgender woman simply because there is no other option that doesn't smack of being ashamed to be alive and who I am. That's my version of 'trans pride'.

To the OP:

Hm, trans as a gift, huh? I don't think so, not really. It's simply a circumstance which grants a particular perspective. Coming from a place of male privilege and moving to a not-as-oppressed-but-really-still-oppressed point of view and dealing with the consequences of being in that situation as well as the consequences of being trans makes it too hard and challenging to have it be a gift in and of itself. I think that there are good things about it because of the ability to understand more of the gestalt of the human experience, sure but, gifts come at no cost and I don't know anyone who's trans who didn't pay at least some price to live as they are.

That said, everything can be positive and I think that being trans is definitely a positive in my life, even counting up all the deficits. I think that living as a genuine person rather than something someone else told me to be, expressing myself authentically, and being a wholly self-realized individual after a great deal of time not being so is something that I cannot look at as anything *but* positive.

The costs are high, the sacrifice is great, and the pain that ones goes through is real so, it's no gift but even when handed a particularly bitter bag of lemons, enough sweetness and care can make something refreshing and good.

[A]

Oh uhm, that's fine. Just, in the past, I've had people argue and insist that they were proud of being trans, not proud of being who they were despite being trans. Like, to them being trans was inherently a good thing. That's what I don't get.

[Robin Mack]

The costs are high, the sacrifice is great, and the pain that ones goes through is real so, it's no gift but even when handed a particularly bitter bag of lemons, enough sweetness and care can make something refreshing and good.

This!  This!  A thousand times this! 

[Jamie D]

I posted earlier in the topic and I am going to expand on my thoughts a little bit.

There is so much self-loathing and self-hatred in our community.  We have a terribly high suicide attempt rate.  We have members who become dysfunctional.  We have brothers and sisters who are constantly in emotional and physical pain.

I believe that, like those who promote, "Gay Pride," or "ethnic pride," or other forms of self-acceptance, we should too.  Our transgenderedness is largely innate.  We find ways to cope with the dysphoria, but it seems to me that those of us who actually embrace and love themselves, are the ones who have the most positive outcomes.

Frankly, I'm not there yet.  But I'm trying to learn to really, deeply accept who I am.  It's scary.  Reading Zoey's thoughts are uplifting for me.

[Emmaline]

The word pride is a little misleading...'not ashamed' is more what I personally mean when I say trans pride.
Embracing is a great term.  I will use that!

[sarahann123]

I loved what Victoria wrote - "The costs are high, the sacrifice is great, and the pain that ones goes through is real so, it's no gift but even when handed a particularly bitter bag of lemons, enough sweetness and care can make something refreshing and good."

[Emmaline]

Transgender as a gift.  When giving transgender, always keep the receipt in case the person you give it to wishes to return it.

Can I regift?

[Robin Mack]

Transgender as a gift.  When giving transgender, always keep the receipt in case the person you give it to wishes to return it.

Can I regift?

I know several law and policy makers I'd like to gift it to.  :\

[calico]

Transgender as a gift.  When giving transgender, always keep the receipt in case the person you give it to wishes to return it.

Can I regift?

or could we exchange it?? lol,  but in all seriousness to the op I am happy that you can have to perspective and are able to make "lemonade from this lemon" but there are those (myself included) that wont be able to find much positive in the experience, some of us have to much bad before or during the transition that it make it impossible to do.

your post reminds me of a couple old sayings "life is what you make of it", or "if life gives you lemons make lemonade" being finally past that point in my life and having had the "surgery" , I am glad I can finally put all the past and the whole transition  in my rear view mirror, and while I am finally happy and feel normal, I wont ever view that time as a gift. like othesr I believe to true gift would of been to be born in the correct gender, if I was to say I learnt anything in the process I would say I learnt that cis gendered people don't know what they have and how lucky they are, and that they take what they do have for granted. 

[Natkat]

I don't know if Gift is the right word for me, but I think it have giving some sort of qualety and knowlegde of alot of things I would never had knew otherwise.
--
I know if I hadn't been transgender I probably wouldn't:

*had known alot of those wonderfull people I know today,

* had the knowlegde and interest for gender and sexualety of any kinds.

* had the chance to experience both male/female world in another way most teens have, including gaining certain knowlegde

* be able to relate to other minoritys, and get the chance to talk to alot of people.

* get in huge demonstrations, newspapers, shortmovies, political meetings, and seeing many friends there as well. (it can both be exiting and boring.

* be invold with volunteery work.
---
just to mention something.

[suzifrommd]

Yeah, being a trans woman has some big downsides.

But compared to being a cis guy, for me it really is a gift. I do regularly thank heaven I wasn't born a cis guy. (Nothing wrong with cis guys - I'm just really glad I'm not one.)

[Jennygirl]

I think it might have been said before... but I am very thankful for growing up with male privilege and then being able to switch societal roles later on- not necessarily having to leave any part of my past behind.

Yes, there are many difficulties we encounter being trans. But ultimately, we have the chance to see the world from all sides. It makes us really special in a way that 99% of the population cannot even begin to experience firsthand.

I guess what I'm getting at is- looks aren't everything. It seems to me that most trans people who decide to transition (myself included) spend the initial stages of transition worrying so much about the visual aspect- and rightfully so, I think. But the REAL kicker comes later on when you stop worrying about that and your attention turns inward. You realize that you're still completely yourself, yet you are able to express everything from a different role which (if you allow it to) gives you the chance to be a much more diverse and mentally rich human being.

It can be a gift, but it doesn't come without hard work in the beginning. After all, nothing in life is free.