To me being born with GID/trans was like being born with no legs. And for religious reasons my parents would not allow me to use a wheel chair or get artificial legs so I spent the first part of my life not being able to participate in anything. After many years of isolation and mental suffering, envy (etc.), I was finally able to get artificial legs. I had to get the hang of them but pretty soon I was walking around, going places, meeting people and experiencing community.
During this time I got a lot of attention. People would ask me about my artificial legs, they would stare at me, point and poke their friends and be like, "Hey, look at the girl with artificial legs, have you ever seen anything like that?" I quickly realized that unless I wanted to attract a lot of attention I needed to start wearing pants instead of shorts or skirts. I had to stick to long dresses and pants so I began wearing pants and suddenly I was able to just be like other people. Instead of people reacting to me as if I was a street performer I got to be part of the audience and it felt good to avoid the spotlight and to be able to go about my life in a way that others take for granted.
Eventually I was able to get a skin upgrade for my artificial legs so now I can go about my life wearing shorts and skirts and it's wonderful. But there are still some people who remember when I was wearing shorts with my old artificial legs without the skin and sometimes when I am out and about I see them, pointing at me, telling someone my legs are not real. Some days I notice this more than others, people will stare at me, point, whisper in their friends ears. I remember I joined a bicycling club and I was at a meeting where they were talking about their next cycling trip through the mountains and I was really excited and some girl was like, "You aren't actually coming with us are you?" And I was like, "Yes, I am excited about it." And she said, "I told everyone you don't even have real legs, your legs are fake and we don't want you riding your bicycle with us because you will probably get in an accident and be a total inconvenience and besides we don't like freaks who go around trying to fool people into thinking they have real legs."
It was at this point I began to realize that I needed to move away from the people who knew my past because all I ever wanted was to be able to participate in life like other people do. I just wanted to be able to be myself and go about my life in ways that others take for granted. I didn't want to be a local media event or someone who has to answer questions about artificial legs.
Now when I first got my artificial legs it was absolutely amazing because I was finally able to begin going places and doing things and that was wonderful because it was a lot better than being house bound with no legs. But I soon became frustrated by how other people were treating me, I began to hate being the center of attraction everywhere I went. I hated the stares, the pointing and the whispering.
Then one day I saw another girl with artificial legs and not only was she going around in shorts but she had on a t-shirt that said, "I have artificial legs and I am proud." And she came up to me and she was like, "You are the girl who hides the fact that you have artificial legs aren't you?" And I was like, "Yeah..." And she started giving me a hard time, telling me that I needed to be proud of my artificial legs and how I was making life harder for people like her because I was not sharing the fact that I had artificial legs, I was not going around educating people about my artificial legs.
So I told her...
You know, I used to wear shorts and I used to get a lot of attention as the girl with the artificial legs. The local news channel even did a piece on me and I was the subject of several news paper articles and videos but it began to wear on me like the paparazzi wear on celebrities, also I got a lot of positive attention but I also got a lot of negative attention but mainly I was always a subject of attention and all I ever wanted was to be like other girls. I never wanted to be the subject of attention and I began to hate having to explain myself everywhere I went. One day I moved away, away from the stares, the talk, the pointing and the whispers. I moved to a new city far away. I got a job, I found a boyfriend and I adopted a couple of dogs. I made a real life for myself where everyone just knew me as a nice person, as the girl next door, as a best friend, as a wife. One day I was having a cup of coffee at a little cafe and this girl with artificial legs walked past the front of the building. Without thinking about it I reached down and touched my legs and I gasped as I began to realize that my legs had become real.
If you were to ask me if I loved being a girl with no legs, someone who desperately wanted to be able to walk I would say no. If you asked me, "Wasn't it great when your artificial legs arrived and weren't you proud when people saw you walking around on them?" I would have to say yes, for a while that was wonderful because it was better than having no legs and being house bound. If you were to ask me, "Don't you miss the attention you used to get by going around on artificial legs?" I would have to say, "Absolutely not, no I absolutely do not miss it at all." So then you might ask, "But you used to be so proud and for a while you really enjoyed telling people about this amazing gift you were finally able to buy for yourself." And I would be like, "Yeah, somethings are great for a while but can actually become a curse." And then if you were to say, "But I just got my artificial legs and I really enjoy telling people about them and I am so happy and my life is suddenly so amazing, why don't you tell people you have artificial legs too?"
Anyway... hopefully this explains it.
Oh and one time another girl with artificial legs asked me, "Don't you feel like a fraud, like a liar, like a deceiver, like a coward by hiding the fact that you have artificial legs?" And I reached down and I gently touched my legs again and I felt my fingertips gliding against my skin and I said to her, "No." And then I picked up my purse and I was on my way.
