There are any number of valid perspectives and attitudes we may share here.  I am delighted to view my personal journey as a positive adventure and 2013 as the best of my 62 years to date.  If we agree that being TG/TS is not a choice then it follows we did not ask for this "gift" or curse.  Call it what you will.  It's your trip.  We can choose to focus on our pain, problems and perplexities but I had enough of that with decades of dysphoria, denial and shame.  The pain associated with dysphoria was a signal and it called me to take action to reduce and prevent it.  Of course no one can deny another's unique sense of this.  No one here questions people calling themselves a man, woman, girl, trans or whatever is your reality.  The effort to address the challenges associated with being TG/TS or going through transition is daunting and that we are here as survivors is an amazing testament to our perseverance, adaptability and strength.

My attitude is my responsibility and i choose to be proud, positive and revel in the freedom to finally be me.  I agree wholeheartedly that we have opportunities to see and feel the world in ways that are uniquely ours but from hugely different places.  For me the experience of being and understanding myself as TG helps to finally make sense of my life.

Hatred takes energy and I am not going to waste precious resources on it.  I do not hate the person I was either.  "He" carried me for years and endured a lot of crap before giving up and letting Tessa out.  There is plenty of space here to get down or seek support.  I trust we will feel better with positive reinforcement for being and feeling our best?

I wouldnt call it a gift either. With all the negatives that are involved, it could be at times a burder to bear. at the same time, there is uniqueness, of being able to see things in other peoples perspectives and hopefully lets other people become more accepting of other peoples differences.

It's no gift.

A long time quality very nice member of SP had SRS & returned to her job of 10 years & was terminated for some vague reason. She is now struggling with a new much lower paying job just to make ends meet.

I think everyone can agree that being a part of any group, even majority groups, has negative qualities.  Some people here experience more of the negative qualities of being transgender than others, just as different members of any other group would.  I can guarantee you that some black people do not consider it a "gift" that they were born black.  Are they wrong according to their experiences? I'd say probably not.  I can also guarantee that some black people do consider it a gift.  Are they wrong for stating it?  I don't think so.  In this sense I don't think the OP is wrong in saying it is a gift for them, but possibly IS wrong for saying that it is or should be seen as a gift for all transgender people.  For some it really is not a gift. 

I have to agree with a lot that has been said. I have traveled the world and have done a lot of things unique to being a male.  I have had my fair shares of ups and down and outs in my first 40 years, and I'm sure there will be many more as I transition into the life (the life I've been running from for 30 years) I want to live in the years to come.  This may or may not be a gift as events happen in our lives for reasons beyond our control.  I learned from my past to live one day at a time and I plan on taking this on head first and doing my best to stay positive at every turn. Negativity takes away too much energy that is needed elsewhere. Sure there will be rainy days ahead but the sun will shine thru eventually.

There are pros and cons to everything in life and the choices we make.  We live in a changing world and I am pleased with it, to a certain extent, but that hasn't stopped many people who suffer gender dysphoria from feeling ashamed and taking their own life.  It is the very sad part of being who we are. 

I see the OP have described how wonderful things were in the past and is embracing the future with a positive mind.  Gotta love that    That is something that should be encouraged to everyone who's transitioning by providing a variety of support.

However, if someone were to ask me if I had a wonderful past, the answer is a resounding no!  I was bullied at school, called names, pressured to behave in a certain way by teachers and family, some people (and friends) choose to not associate with me, society isolated me because I was 'different' and they grow more against my feminine behaviour.  I had to move countries and live in shame for a while.

Then something happened and the moment I transitioned and learn that this is the my path and no one is going to come between me and my goals, everything changed.  A positive outlook is what we all need when we feel down, keep smiling, build a good strong social network, have close people to share and be friends with.  It will make you a happier man/woman

Like most things, being trans has positives as well as the many negatives.  I wouldn't be the person I am now without it, and I like the person I am now.  But I'm still recovering from the long-term trauma of having to live as a man.  I wouldn't have experienced many of the things I experienced or gotten insights by being with groups of men who thought there were no women around.  But I missed many of the experiences women have and have just lately been able to gain insights from being with groups of women when no man is around.  I have experienced both male and female sexuality, which I see as a rare gift (much as I disliked experiencing the male sexuality).  Transition was a test that few go through, and I learned a lot about the people around me.  For me, too, transition was challenging, wonderful, exciting, and probably the most fun I've ever had because of all the weird stuff that happened.  Transition was a gift on so many levels, especially since I thought I would never be able to do it.

I hope each of us can see that being trans is not just misery.  At this stage in my life, I find that being trans is sometimes a pain in the patoot.  But I am trans.  It helps me to just accept that, make the best of it, and move on from here.

- Kate

I would simply say that I probably won't consider ->-bleeped-<- a gift to myself until the rest of the world sees it the same way.  Far too much quality of life and time have been lost to the mental and physical agony I've gone through just to even begin to understand myself and seek treatment.  It has affected every element of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.  I'm only happy now because I'm able to make peace with myself.  There's plenty more I would have liked to learn about in my time on this earth rather than the nasty intricacies of societal prejudice surrounding gender and social conformity.

This may sound very negative but it is a realistic assessment of my personal experience.  I am actually a hopelessly optimistic person and I intend to make the best of my situation.

Darn right it's a gift. How could I appreciate my femininity without first living as a man? Being born a woman would have just gotten in the way of me becoming the person I am inside. There is nothing like being trans.  For all the pain and difficulties I would not trade this for anything. I would never want to give up what I have become and who I will be when my body inevitably turns to dust.

I would say that being TG is a wound.

Like being born deformed. Without limbs or with other deformities.

The TransGenered condition is not a "visible" wound, nevertheless hurts. But... having said that, it is true that a healed wound makes us stronger, wiser and amiable. The problem is the not - accepting people, but they will always be there.

There are different types of personalities, and different types of transgenders. I'm not implying that anyone is any less transgender than others. Just, some are able to enjoy life as males. In many ways, that's being lucky. Some are not.

They didn't even have the ability to try to live the "different experience" of being male. In many cases their personalities would have denied them any kind of "male priviledge" had they tried anyway. No matter how you look at it, someone who's too feminine for gay men yet male bodied has no male priviledge. In fact, "he" is below your average female. To them it was strictly nothing but a hindrance on their life that they yearned and tried to live as female but never could.

Those are generally the type who'll either transition relatively young or decide against transitioning at all because they don't judge their passing ability sufficient, and in that case will either try their best to live on as extremely effeminate gay boys, either kill themselves.

It's not really sad as much as it's avoidable; it's just how things are.

When you're in that case, being told that you have a "richer" experience, that you're living an enriching "adventure", that you should embrace and even love being transgender or having been male sounds like whoever is saying that utterly doesn't understand you. I'm gonna exaggerate, but in my ears, if I try to apply it to me, it sounds a bit like you're telling me that having been kidnapped, repeatedly raped and beaten and denied pretty much every human right for years is something I should appreciate because I lived a different experience that most people will never have an idea about.

I'm not trying to say this as reproach or to accuse you of any misdoing. Understanding others' experiences is rarely an easy thing, especially when you imagine that you are in the same boat. I'm just trying to say that there are differences, and that not being able to embrace ->-bleeped-<- and seeing it as an enriching experience is not a result of bad will or close-mindedness. Nor is it a result of suffering from others' attitudes. It's unavoidable, unchangeable and just as valid.

To me there is strictly nothing positive to having been born transsexual, and I don't really appreciate being told that I should see it as a gift. I'm sorry if I sound a bit cold, but in the same way as I accept and don't judge that positivism negatively despite not relating to it at all, I'd like it if my experience and point of view wouldn't be downplayed. Not that anyone is doing that actively. Just, all those things stated in a rather factual and universal manner feel like they do that indirectly, however accidentally.

Quote from: Silvermist on September 23, 2013, 01:48:32 PM
To call the fact that some people here hate being transgender "sad" is a bit insensitive, even condescending. No one should be told that she/he ought to enjoy something that is a source of so much misery and struggle. Gender dysphoria might not make you suicidal, but it does for over a third of the people in our community. The suicide attempt rate is on par with, or higher than, schizophrenia. You could find a silver lining for schizophrenia, too, but you wouldn't try to convince people that it's a fun "adventure," would you?

Sorry to be a downer.

Quote from: SamC on September 23, 2013, 03:55:38 PM
The topic and OP ( to me ) is stated as matter of fact.

This, to me, is a huge slap in the face for myself and perhaps more of my TG brothers and sisters.

Opinions are one thing, and I'm thrilled that DrZoey can celebrate her former life. But please don't go stating TG is a "gift". It's insensitive at the least.

I agree with both of you in your replies, it sums up and puts it "nicely"
I am also another one that feels that it isn't a gift, the original poster, and a few other may feel its been great, but it has been anything but that for me a probably several others here.

If someone or something was to come to me a state "I can change it all, I can take away all that is and was and make you a genetic female, and give you all  that comes with it including  growing up as a lil girl" I wouldn't hesitate a second the choice would be instantaneous even if i had to be stuck in a kitchen and never be able to do anything else including "male advantages" I would gladly trade.

In my opinion, it all depends on perspective.

My girlfriend, the most supporting, accepting, and genuinely loving person I have known in my life, has terminal cancer.  She is three years past the expiration date given her by doctors, and is living her life the best she can.  She has watched other friends, diagnosed at the same time, die off as a result of chemo.  She's not doing chemo.

She considers her sickness a gift.  It has helped her prioritize her life, become a better mother for her children, and focus on the things in life that are truly important.

Yes, dysphoria is a curse.  Yes, *being* transgendered is a terrible thing, and I wish all of us had a magical switch and a time-machine and could go back and fix our gender in early childhood.  I wish my girlfriend's doctors had treated her condition properly before things got worse, or at least had caught it while it was manageable.  A simple procedure could have saved her life and spared her tremendous pain and suffering.

Her physical pain is tremendous, yet she makes time for me.  She treasures every minute with her Robin, as I treasure every moment with her.  Every moment is a gift.  It would be easy for both of us to switch to despair and depression.

So, maybe the way forward in thinking about this is a compromise.  Being transgendered is a burden and should not be glibly trivialized, but, like any burden in our lives, it presents opportunities.

If you had asked my girlfriend when she was first diagnosed with terminal cancer, when she was dealing with mourning and despair and depression, she would have been angry if someone called it a gift, I'm thinking.  And those of us in the rocky parts of transition, too, won't be able to see much, if anything, positive.  From a perspective a year or two along, though, my hope is that even those of us with the roughest times will see something in their experience that was positive and worthwhile.

Much love.

To me being born with GID/trans was like being born with no legs. And for religious reasons my parents would not allow me to use a wheel chair or get artificial legs so I spent the first part of my life not being able to participate in anything.  After many years of isolation and mental suffering, envy (etc.), I was finally able to get artificial legs.  I had to get the hang of them but pretty soon I was walking around, going places, meeting people and experiencing community.

During this time I got a lot of attention. People would ask me about my artificial legs, they would stare at me, point and poke their friends and be like, "Hey, look at the girl with artificial legs, have you ever seen anything like that?"  I quickly realized that unless I wanted to attract a lot of attention I needed to start wearing pants instead of shorts or skirts.  I had to stick to long dresses and pants so I began wearing pants and suddenly I was able to just be like other people.  Instead of people reacting to me as if I was a street performer I got to be part of the audience and it felt good to avoid the spotlight and to be able to go about my life in a way that others take for granted.

Eventually I was able to get a skin upgrade for my artificial legs so now I can go about my life wearing shorts and skirts and it's wonderful.  But there are still some people who remember when I was wearing shorts with my old artificial legs without the skin and sometimes when I am out and about I see them, pointing at me, telling someone my legs are not real.  Some days I notice this more than others, people will stare at me, point, whisper in their friends ears.  I remember I joined a bicycling club and I was at a meeting where they were talking about their next cycling trip through the mountains and I was really excited and some girl was like, "You aren't actually coming with us are you?"  And I was like, "Yes, I am excited about it."  And she said, "I told everyone you don't even have real legs, your legs are fake and we don't want you riding your bicycle with us because you will probably get in an accident and be a total inconvenience and besides we don't like freaks who go around trying to fool people into thinking they have real legs."

It was at this point I began to realize that I needed to move away from the people who knew my past because all I ever wanted was to be able to participate in life like other people do.  I just wanted to be able to be myself and go about my life in ways that others take for granted.  I didn't want to be a local media event or someone who has to answer questions about artificial legs.

Now when I first got my artificial legs it was absolutely amazing because I was finally able to begin going places and doing things and that was wonderful because it was a lot better than being house bound with no legs.  But I soon became frustrated by how other people were treating me, I began to hate being the center of attraction everywhere I went.  I hated the stares, the pointing and the whispering.

Then one day I saw another girl with artificial legs and not only was she going around in shorts but she had on a t-shirt that said, "I have artificial legs and I am proud."  And she came up to me and she was like, "You are the girl who hides the fact that you have artificial legs aren't you?"  And I was like, "Yeah..."  And she started giving me a hard time, telling me that I needed to be proud of my artificial legs and how I was making life harder for people like her because I was not sharing the fact that I had artificial legs, I was not going around educating people about my artificial legs.

So I told her... 

You know, I used to wear shorts and I used to get a lot of attention as the girl with the artificial legs.  The local news channel even did a piece on me and I was the subject of several news paper articles and videos but it began to wear on me like the paparazzi wear on celebrities, also I got a lot of positive attention but I also got a lot of negative attention but mainly I was always a subject of attention and all I ever wanted was to be like other girls.  I never wanted to be the subject of attention and I began to hate having to explain myself everywhere I went.  One day I moved away, away from the stares, the talk, the pointing and the whispers.  I moved to a new city far away.  I got a job, I found a boyfriend and I adopted a couple of dogs.  I made a real life for myself where everyone just knew me as a nice person, as the girl next door, as a best friend, as a wife.  One day I was having a cup of coffee at a little cafe and this girl with artificial legs walked past the front of the building.  Without thinking about it I reached down and touched my legs and I gasped as I began to realize that my legs had become real.


If you were to ask me if I loved being a girl with no legs, someone who desperately wanted to be able to walk I would say no.  If you asked me, "Wasn't it great when your artificial legs arrived and weren't you proud when people saw you walking around on them?"  I would have to say yes, for a while that was wonderful because it was better than having no legs and being house bound.  If you were to ask me, "Don't you miss the attention you used to get by going around on artificial legs?"  I would have to say, "Absolutely not, no I absolutely do not miss it at all."  So then you might ask, "But you used to be so proud and for a while you really enjoyed telling people about this amazing gift you were finally able to buy for yourself."  And I would be like, "Yeah, somethings are great for a while but can actually become a curse."  And then if you were to say, "But I just got my artificial legs and I really enjoy telling people about them and I am so happy and my life is suddenly so amazing, why don't you tell people you have artificial legs too?"

Anyway... hopefully this explains it.

Oh and one time another girl with artificial legs asked me, "Don't you feel like a fraud, like a liar, like a deceiver, like a coward by hiding the fact that you have artificial legs?"  And I reached down and I gently touched my legs again and I felt my fingertips gliding against my skin and I said to her, "No." And then I picked up my purse and I was on my way.

Quote from: Kate G on September 25, 2013, 12:41:17 PM
If you were to ask me if I loved being a girl with no legs, someone who desperately wanted to be able to walk I would say no.  If you asked me, "Wasn't it great when your artificial legs arrived and weren't you proud when people saw you walking around on them?"  I would have to say yes, for a while that was wonderful because it was better than having no legs and being house bound.  If you were to ask me, "Don't you miss the attention you used to get by going around on artificial legs?"  I would have to say, "Absolutely not, no I absolutely do not miss it at all."  So then you might ask, "But you used to be so proud and for a while you really enjoyed telling people about this amazing gift you were finally able to buy for yourself."  And I would be like, "Yeah, somethings are great for a while but can actually become a curse."  And then if you were to say, "But I just got my artificial legs and I really enjoy telling people about them and I am so happy and my life is suddenly so amazing, why don't you tell people you have artificial legs too?"

Wow.  Just... wow.  Thank you, Kate.

In every life and in any situation, and especially in situations that are much more difficult than being trans,  we all have the choice whether to see our individual situation as a gift or as a curse. Many things are uncontrollable.  What is controllable is whether we choose to perceive the situation as "bad" or "good".

This is not to say that it is easy to control.

Quote from: Kate G on September 25, 2013, 12:41:17 PM
To me being born with GID/trans was like being born with no legs. And for religious reasons my parents would not allow me to use a wheel chair or get artificial legs so I spent the first part of my life not being able to participate in anything.  After many years of isolation and mental suffering, envy (etc.), I was finally able to get artificial legs.  I had to get the hang of them but pretty soon I was walking around, going places, meeting people and experiencing community.

During this time I got a lot of attention. People would ask me about my artificial legs, they would stare at me, point and poke their friends and be like, "Hey, look at the girl with artificial legs, have you ever seen anything like that?"  I quickly realized that unless I wanted to attract a lot of attention I needed to start wearing pants instead of shorts or skirts.  I had to stick to long dresses and pants so I began wearing pants and suddenly I was able to just be like other people.  Instead of people reacting to me as if I was a street performer I got to be part of the audience and it felt good to avoid the spotlight and to be able to go about my life in a way that others take for granted.

Eventually I was able to get a skin upgrade for my artificial legs so now I can go about my life wearing shorts and skirts and it's wonderful.  But there are still some people who remember when I was wearing shorts with my old artificial legs without the skin and sometimes when I am out and about I see them, pointing at me, telling someone my legs are not real.  Some days I notice this more than others, people will stare at me, point, whisper in their friends ears.  I remember I joined a bicycling club and I was at a meeting where they were talking about their next cycling trip through the mountains and I was really excited and some girl was like, "You aren't actually coming with us are you?"  And I was like, "Yes, I am excited about it."  And she said, "I told everyone you don't even have real legs, your legs are fake and we don't want you riding your bicycle with us because you will probably get in an accident and be a total inconvenience and besides we don't like freaks who go around trying to fool people into thinking they have real legs."

It was at this point I began to realize that I needed to move away from the people who knew my past because all I ever wanted was to be able to participate in life like other people do.  I just wanted to be able to be myself and go about my life in ways that others take for granted.  I didn't want to be a local media event or someone who has to answer questions about artificial legs.

Now when I first got my artificial legs it was absolutely amazing because I was finally able to begin going places and doing things and that was wonderful because it was a lot better than being house bound with no legs.  But I soon became frustrated by how other people were treating me, I began to hate being the center of attraction everywhere I went.  I hated the stares, the pointing and the whispering.

Then one day I saw another girl with artificial legs and not only was she going around in shorts but she had on a t-shirt that said, "I have artificial legs and I am proud."  And she came up to me and she was like, "You are the girl who hides the fact that you have artificial legs aren't you?"  And I was like, "Yeah..."  And she started giving me a hard time, telling me that I needed to be proud of my artificial legs and how I was making life harder for people like her because I was not sharing the fact that I had artificial legs, I was not going around educating people about my artificial legs.

So I told her... 

You know, I used to wear shorts and I used to get a lot of attention as the girl with the artificial legs.  The local news channel even did a piece on me and I was the subject of several news paper articles and videos but it began to wear on me like the paparazzi wear on celebrities, also I got a lot of positive attention but I also got a lot of negative attention but mainly I was always a subject of attention and all I ever wanted was to be like other girls.  I never wanted to be the subject of attention and I began to hate having to explain myself everywhere I went.  One day I moved away, away from the stares, the talk, the pointing and the whispers.  I moved to a new city far away.  I got a job, I found a boyfriend and I adopted a couple of dogs.  I made a real life for myself where everyone just knew me as a nice person, as the girl next door, as a best friend, as a wife.  One day I was having a cup of coffee at a little cafe and this girl with artificial legs walked past the front of the building.  Without thinking about it I reached down and touched my legs and I gasped as I began to realize that my legs had become real.


If you were to ask me if I loved being a girl with no legs, someone who desperately wanted to be able to walk I would say no.  If you asked me, "Wasn't it great when your artificial legs arrived and weren't you proud when people saw you walking around on them?"  I would have to say yes, for a while that was wonderful because it was better than having no legs and being house bound.  If you were to ask me, "Don't you miss the attention you used to get by going around on artificial legs?"  I would have to say, "Absolutely not, no I absolutely do not miss it at all."  So then you might ask, "But you used to be so proud and for a while you really enjoyed telling people about this amazing gift you were finally able to buy for yourself."  And I would be like, "Yeah, somethings are great for a while but can actually become a curse."  And then if you were to say, "But I just got my artificial legs and I really enjoy telling people about them and I am so happy and my life is suddenly so amazing, why don't you tell people you have artificial legs too?"

Anyway... hopefully this explains it.

Oh and one time another girl with artificial legs asked me, "Don't you feel like a fraud, like a liar, like a deceiver, like a coward by hiding the fact that you have artificial legs?"  And I reached down and I gently touched my legs again and I felt my fingertips gliding against my skin and I said to her, "No." And then I picked up my purse and I was on my way.

Seriously, great post.  I don't know why some get upset with people that are in stealth.  Personally, that's exactly what I want in the future.  I don't want to be seen as a trans activist nor do I want to promote the cause by exposing my medical history at every turn. Sure, I plan on always supporting the T community and helping my fellow peers in need, but I don't need to be on display or open to those who don't need to know about my past.  I just want to be one of the girls both physically and socially.  That's why, to me, it isn't a gift in any stretch of the imagination.  It may be something we need to learn to live with and find way to cope with it, but it has been far from a gift to me.  I've spent so many years in emotional hell because of it. Had I been born the right way, it's possible that could have been avoided.  We can find solace in our struggle by supporting each other and realizing that we shouldn't feel ashamed for being trans, but we can also be realistic and accept that it isn't really a gift or the ideal scenario.  To be honest, I've been a bit dumbfounded that some can see it as a gift.  Nonetheless, I do maintain what I said previously in that I hope to one day be able to view my transgender nature as a positive and perhaps even a gift.  It's probably the healthier outlook even if I don't share it. 

I think it is a shame that Dr Zoey can't start a thread that looks to bring out the positive side of a condition that we all share without being attacked for her unique views and observations. I think she has a valid point and that she also has no intent to hurt or offend any one of her brothers and sisters who may be suffering.

There are more than enough threads here about pain, suffering, self-loathing to accommodate those who wish to be immersed in that. I know Dr Zoey has had a successful life and I would bet money that her positive outlook will ensure that this next stage of her life will be even more rewarding than than before. Thank you for your perspective Dr Zoey!

PS- I bet if you interviewed those on this board that make over 100k a year, I'd wager that they are optimist and agreeable to the OP. Just a guess.... :-)

Quote from: JessicaH on September 26, 2013, 06:17:10 AM
PS- I bet if you interviewed those on this board that make over 100k a year, I'd wager that they are optimist and agreeable to the OP. Just a guess.... :-)

Very astute observation. Having enough money provides transition choices that people of more modest means don't have. Something that doesn't get talked about much here.

Quote from: JessicaH on September 26, 2013, 06:17:10 AM

PS- I bet if you interviewed those on this board that make over 100k a year, I'd wager that they are optimist and agreeable to the OP. Just a guess.... :-)

not only for the money... I think that money gives also confidence. It's different transitioning without fear of losing a job, without worries about surgeries, complications, dresses, make up, shopping (being a girl is expensive!).

But it is equally true that transition can be done with less, fairly less.

I think that also in transitioning you can be frugal. Nevertheless it is true that money gives serenity.
And serenity boosts confidence.