Simple questions about names and marriage

[kathyk]

So how does a name change effect documents in a marriage.  I know bank accounts and wills need to be edited.  Plus any real estate, or personal holdings that show both our  names.  But what other documents would I need to worry about?  Of course I understand the drivers license, birth certificate, insurance papers, social security and the like.  But what am I missing?

Also, by changing the things that need changing drivers license etc., did any of you who are still married have problems because of the changes?   And if so, what were the problems?

K

[vlmitchell]

I guess you don't specifically have to change the name but you'd have to include the court order in any paperwork that required the documents or, at least that's what I was advised. Personally, I just had changed for convenience but, really, you've got a lot going on right now. Take this one step at a time and deal with your marital issues before worrying about the technical bumps.

[kathyk]

..... deal with your marital issues before worrying about the technical bumps.

Yeah, that's the problem.  My wife is worried about these little bumps, and how they effect her.  She's now accepting the fact that I'm going to change, and she said she can deal with it.  So she's fixed on these little things.

[A]

I think you just need to contact whatever professional helped you make your marriage contract and get it updated. Of course all things that you're legally, on paper, the owner of (such as a house) needs to be updated similarly as well.

Also, I think that if something happens and the wedding/owner's documents need to be used and you haven't done your name change on them, you can just present your official name change papers and they'll recognize you as the person on the contract.

[Jenna Marie]

It shouldn't change anything specifically about the *marriage* documents - you can't edit the marriage license retroactively - but as for what will bother your wife... dunno. My sympathies on that.

As others have said, you can also present a copy of your name change court order to prove you are the same person as the one who signed a contract. Also, you should have no trouble filing taxes federally even with two female names, but you may or may not have issues at the state level depending on the laws for same-sex marriage and whether they go by *name* or SSN.

(I didn't have any issues in my marriage, but I did take my wife's maiden name as a middle, since she'd taken my surname originally. Now we match, because she also kept her maiden name as a middle name.)

[kathyk]

Thank you girls.  I kind of thought there'd be no real issues that couldn't be easily managed.  I do know banks and investments are the most difficult to change, but almost all the government stuff if supposed to be pretty easy, especially in California. 

I'm planning on getting 20 to 25 copies of the name change court order.

[Lesley_Roberta]

It's just a name, those are easy.

Me, I am wondering, if I get rid of the damned thing, if I am anatomically corrected to be actual female parts included, do I stop being a 'husband'.

Is my name now Mrs like the other Mrs? Can a married couple be two wives and two mrs ... insert surname here?

I have disliked being called him and he and mister and sir, as well as son and uncle etc etc etc. I am also having problems with dad father and husband. They are all male terms.

Hey I can live with a lot of things happening. If the wife is ok remaining married, and if she just can't do the bedroom play time thing with another woman, hey life goes on. I love her, the person inside, not her vagina. I won't say I don't enjoy it, but, I'd rather lose use of it, and keep her.

But, I do of course wonder, for the few of us blessed with partners that are not interested in leaving, when we stop being known as the one gender, and get to be known as the correct gender, are we obligated to retain the original terms? I started off as 'husband' and 'wife'. But there must be a precedent for same sex marriages. Two gay men getting married, well one is not going to be the 'wife' right? Are lesbians required to have one get listed as 'husband'?

I am not of the opinion, my removing a penis and testicles invalidates my marriage contract. I also don't think dropping the term 'husband' invalidates it. But hey, the world doesn't spin a specific way just because I demand it do so, I don't always get my way.

I'd like input on all of this.

[Jenna Marie]

Lesley : Do you mean legally? Because socially, it's not even a question - two women can both be wives/Mrs., and two men can both be husbands/Mr. It'd be hugely offensive to insist that one lesbian has to be "the husband," etc! (Both CAN be the wife, but obviously if one partner prefers something else, that takes precedence.) If your wife wants to keep calling you "husband," that's something to negotiate between the two of you, but there's no issue whatsoever with claiming the social term "wife."

Pretty much the instant I started presenting female full-time, my spouse referred to me as her wife. Actually, she used it long before that with people who knew; for about six months it was only "husband" around anyone who wasn't informed about my transition plans yet.

Of course, same-sex marriage is also legal where we live, so we don't get as many people believing it's not a legal marriage. Although there are some raised eyebrows if we say we've been married 13 years, as SSM was only legalized in the first state about ten years ago! In the US, a marriage originally contracted between opposite sex partners also does remain legal post-transition even in places where SSM is otherwise banned (though people living there may run into major hassles proving it); it's a funny loophole in the law and federal policy. So our marriage is and has been 100% valid even though I'm now female, because I wasn't when I signed that license.

(I don't know Canadian law about any of this. I do know that the US has 50 states each with their own policies about what constitutes "legally changing gender," many of them confusing and conflicting; my home state, for example, does NOT require removing organs and/or having new parts installed in order to legally identify me as female. I have had GRS, but I was able to change all my state documents about two years before that, with just a doctor's letter. The US Social Security office has also recently changed policy to permit gender marker change without GRS, and the passport office did a couple years back, so basically now bottom surgery is not required to change gender on any federal or state legal documents for a resident of *this* state.)

[A]

I'm planning on getting 20 to 25 copies of the name change court order.

Dunno about where you live, but here photocopies are sufficient, and additional originals are costy. Maybe you could just get one and do the other copies yourself. But well I'm guessing that "costy" for me is probably not all that "costy" for you, so you can just ignore this, too.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I suppose I was mainly asking about legalities.

Socially if I feel like being called Mrs, that is my business. If the phone rings and they ask for Mrs, I am likely going to reply with 'which one would you like?'.

I will not be ripping off my wife with the term 'mom' though. She earned it. Pregnancy is no small thing. If you don't do the time, you don't get the label. I feel about the same with adoption to a point. But raising a baby is no picnic either. Still, 9 months of pregnancy, I won't make light of it.

I look forward to a simple name change. It's if I have the details correct, a 137 dollar activity for me. Getting the letter F on my my ID likely will take a lot more effort. I don't think society cares as much about my name as it does my legal gender.

Once I have the name legally changed though, I will feel a great deal happier.

Converting from Husband to wife though, I think that is almost entirely a issue between my wife and myself. I will be spending a GREAT deal of effort making sure she understands, she married a person, and labels are not the defining part of my commitment. My oath is what matters. She has me alone and no other has any claim on me. She's what makes life worth living for me. What I am called is not relevant to my devotion.

[mrs izzy]

I'm planning on getting 20 to 25 copies of the name change court order.

I did all my stuff with 3 copies with the seal. Anything else i used photo copies. Most of the things you deal one on one with someone and they make a copy of your paperwork for there files.

Lots of luck, as you will find out that even though there are policies, not everyone knows how, who or why...

Izzy

[kathyk]

Dunno about where you live, but here photocopies are sufficient, and additional originals are costy. Maybe you could just get one and do the other copies yourself. But well I'm guessing that "costy" for me is probably not all that "costy" for you, so you can just ignore this, too.

I did all my stuff with 3 copies with the seal. Anything else i used photo copies. Most of the things you deal one on one with someone and they make a copy of your paperwork for there files.

The copies are about $20 each in California from what I was told.  With all the personal legal work my wife and I have to do in association with the name change we need the extra certified copies.