How to deal with those horrible things every month

[NathanielM]

You say your parents won't let you get therapy, I'm telling you that if your parents won't let you get therapy, then screw them.  I didn't say turn your back on them entirely, I'm telling you in this situation, your parents are 100% wrong and what they are doing is against your best interests.  Frankly it's tantamount to child abuse to not provide adequate care and support for a child.  Plain and simple!

I'm not saying your wrong in the aspect of his parents being wrong for not letting him have therapy (although in this case they might not even have said no, it's a question of not asking) but throwing with words like child abuse and screw your parents are bound to get a strong reaction from Brandon. That's simple loyalty and even a child that has been truly abused would give you that reaction. I don't think it's fair to make judgments like that based on the little info we get from him. And I think it can be expected for a person to strongly defend against such thing.

That said I sort of agree with the worry about how Brandon, you seem to find it hard to actually look for a solution instead of just wanting to rant about how bad life is. Now I understand that feeling, but sadly after a certain time it won't actually do anything for you. In fact you seem to get stuck in how people are against you and how there is no possible solution for your problem. That's not an attitude that will help you move forward in your life, although again I understand that it might seem true to you at the moment. If you don't put in the effort of looking at possible solutions and giving them a chance before you turn them down you'll never find one. I can see how hard it is for you do go through all you have been going through and I really want to say it gets better, except it will only get better because of the work YOU put in. Nobody else can make it better Brandon, it's your life and you will make it awesome!

[Jack_M]

Brandon has said a lot here and based on what he's directly said, therapy isn't an option because of parental reaction.  if parents say no to necessary treatment, it's time to find a way around the issue.

[Brandon]

I and all of the Mods have looked over your threads and asked the guys to advise you.
Can I just say being TG is not nice.

Tell me about it.

Get to a counselor in your school and talk.

Maybe pro-active may help.

Complaining about it doesn't.

I know you are young, you have chances, take them

Cindy

Ive already talked to a counselour right know she's doing senoir meetings I'm a jr so I have to wait

[Brandon]

I'm no therapist, but I do think I'm seeing a large part of the real problem here. From your own omission (quote 2) it isn't because your mom actually doesn't want you to, or has said no. It's because you haven't even approached her at all about this and are scared to, isn't it? I can understand that and I think I can also deduce why that would be. You don't want her to find out the real reason why you want and need this. Which is also perfectly understandable. However, I now feel it important to say to you that millions of people with this problem are on a management therapy because they can't handle the severity of it either, for their own reasons whatever they are. You don't have to tell your mom its because your trans that you need this. Few people like this. Most hate it too. That's why they came up with these ways of reducing it or even now getting rid of it. There's no reason or way she would become suspicious of any ulterior/extenuating reasons solely over this. If that's what you're worried about, you're worrying over nothing there.

Also, I feel it would hurt your mom more to find out the facts later and when she does eventually find out (quote 2 again), whether by you or on her own. You really need to have a conversation with her about this (if not the other things) and soon. You don't have to go into the self-harm with her (although I really think you need to do that as well, to someone in a capacity that can actually help you because that is way beyond my or anyone else's capability here, IMO). But you do need to get yourself a way to stop hurting yourself and if the only way for that to happen is no more 'problem', then you need either those pills or that shot.

If you really wanted/needed that, you wouldn't let anything stand in your way of getting it.

So why are you?

You know, I regret the lack of communication I had with my mom throughout my childhood and adolescence. I realize now the reason for that is because I was being stupid in letting my fears stand in my way of it because I thought I needed to keep my distance so she'd never find out. I thought if she knew I was trans she would hate me and disown me on the spot, toss me right out of the house the second I turned 18. You know what? None of it happened. I didn't trust her when I should have. Looking back on the cowardly way I had to go and get myself absolutely drunk to tell her just after 18, its comical and sad at the same time. What I got was "why didn't you tell me earlier?" and it about knocked me over. Not to say it was a bed of roses, that there weren't some other issues down the road but that's a far sight better than anything I ever thought would have been the outcome with my mom over this.

My point is. Your mom may surprise you. If you trust her. If what you've said about her (quote 1) is true, you've got nothing to worry about. What I see, the brunt of your immediate core of problems rests with your lack of communication with your mom. Your fear of her figuring it all out. About this. And when I say this, I mean the trans thing.

I wouldn't ordinarily go here but I think in your case... the band-aid needs to be yanked off. When it's over it's over. You can then stop worrying about it. It will be better. The not knowing and the worrying about the maybe's is the real torture. Not the actual knowing, knowing where you stand. I know. I've been there. I know you won't believe me now, but that's as it really is. Unless you already genuinely know her knowing would make your situation worse (and not THINKING it but I mean knowing)... well, I think you get the point well enough at that and I'll let you think about it now. But you never know, she could surprise you to the point of wanting to help you get where you really want and need to be. I never expected it but that's why I'm able to be on T now, because of my mom. I couldn't be able to do it otherwise. It's possible. Don't cut her short because of thinking she'll be this way or that way about it because you actually can't know how she'll be about it until you muster the courage to talk to her and find out. No matter how long you wait, whatever is going to happen is going to happen regardless.

I really do think this is at the very heart of your current problems.

As to quote 3. Clearly you care about your mom. I understand your not wanting to burden her with more to deal with. I've also been there and still go there. But I stand by what I said earlier. I think it will be much worse for her when she finds out considerably later. It will hurt her more then than I think it would now.


My $0.2, take it or leave it as you see fit.

No she's is still gonna ask why, She already knows I'm transgender shes just gonna tell me to deal with it and thats its apart of womanhood

[DriftingCrow]

No she's is still gonna ask why, She already knows I'm transgender shes just gonna tell me to deal with it and thats its apart of womanhood

What's more important, suffering through womanhood or leaving school early because you're cramping so bad and crying?

Lots of cis-women take the pill to make periods regular and morebearable. It doesn't have to do with you being trans, its quality of life and getting an education.The pill or other birth control won't make it go away, but more bearable.

[Brandon]

You researched "everything" and that's what "it" said?  So...one thing = everything?  What you know is effectively wrong, that's why you need to do more.  Believing false truths about T will not help you in your goal.  It's not the golden ticket to happiness.  Things happen at different rates and dysphoria can shift.  You have to demonstrate that you know what T does and that you're of sound mind before you start because it's a roller coaster.  You're not able to start T yet, I know that, but if you one day do want to start, you need to effectively grow up.  You need to start getting a hold of YOUR life, not the life your parents want.  Your parents can't do or fix everything for you, and sometimes they're more counter productive in that area than helpful.   

Sometimes I honestly don't know why you ask for advice, Brandon,  You're so stubbornly against everything that would help you.  You're never happy when people give you good advice.  You say your parents won't let you get therapy, I'm telling you that if your parents won't let you get therapy, then screw them.  I didn't say turn your back on them entirely, I'm telling you in this situation, your parents are 100% wrong and what they are doing is against your best interests.  Frankly it's tantamount to child abuse to not provide adequate care and support for a child.  Plain and simple! It honestly seems you'd rather just complain and blame everything on everyone and everything else than actually seek help!

Life would be so much easier if we'd be born the right gender in the first place.  We ALL know that!  But when you focus on that it is a colossal waste of time!  This is something that absolutely cannot ever be changed.  You cannot change what's happened no matter how much you complain about it.  But, there's plenty that can be done to at first deal with the issues that stem from that mistake, and start the process to try to fix it and better our lives.  It might never be perfect, but then whose life is perfect?

Here's your only two options:

• Actually get off your butt and do something and have a happier life.
• Keep complaining and become even more bitter.

Ok first of all again my mom and dad might be stupid to my trans issues but I'm not gonna say screw them, And dude Ive researched everything for like 3 years know I know what I'm getting into as far as T

[Brandon]

Brandon has said a lot here and based on what he's directly said, therapy isn't an option because of parental reaction.  if parents say no to necessary treatment, it's time to find a way around the issue.

Telling me to say screw m parents isn't one of them, Ill be 18 soon anyways

[Brandon]

What's more important, suffering through womanhood or leaving school early because you're cramping so bad and crying?

Lots of cis-women take the pill to make periods regular and morebearable. It doesn't have to do with you being trans, its quality of life and getting an education.The pill or other birth control won't make it go away, but more bearable.

I only cried because I'm pissed off that I have to deal with this not because of the cramping, Birth control won't even make it go away anyways, Again its only gonna make me more dysphoric



I have friends who have took it only because they were having sex though

[Mr.X]

In that case this topic may as well get a lock, no? You have been given plenty of advice and options. It is upto you to decide to not listen to any of it.

I do wish you good luck with whatever you end up doing (or not doing)!

[Magnus]

No she's is still gonna ask why, She already knows I'm transgender shes just gonna tell me to deal with it and thats its apart of womanhood

Then I again find myself astounded.

If she truly already knows then there's no reason to keep it from her. None of anything. So now I really fail to see what the problem is of your going down to your doctor or clinic to get the help that you need for this and seemingly greatest immediate problem? A problem that actually is not a problem irregardless of what your mom does or does not know or says or doesn't say about it because there are clinics that you can go to, legally without having to disclose anything to your mom or anyone else about this at all (legislation specifically passed for this and similar reasons, in fact), and that under specifically planned parenthood costs you exactly nothing but the time to get over there. I'm just really failing to see the exact reason why you're unwilling to do it with what I see to be nothing to lose but everything to gain. It does not make the slightest sense. I mean here you were telling us this is bad enough to make you cut yourself. But its not bad enough for you to do anything about it, even with the perfectly valid solution of the gender-neutral progesterone injection to resolve this problem likely altogether for you. And its a shot of hormones not dissimilar to how you're going to be relying on getting your T later, but anything other of which according to you will still cause you dysphoria as if it were the pills with female hormones. But yet also while T somehow won't? How does that work? Either you have the absolute worst dysphoria in the history of all trans persons, or something else is going on here we're not privy too.

In that same vein I really have to say at this point that you are being extremely argumentative and stubbornly unreasonable to the perfectly realistic and valid suggestions and advice that you asked to receive. And I'm beginning to have more than just the suspicion that you're not being honest either with yourself or us about the facts concerning your situation. Example, first she knows, then she doesn't and so on. Which is it really? We can't help you if you won't be honest with us so we can know what actually is going on and what will and won't be possible.

If you keep shooting everything and anything down eventually you will run completely out of options and then where will you be? You are playing a very dangerous game with yourself that you ought not to be. Particularly given your other tone of suicidal feelings. You really need help and I don't think any one of us can provide it for where you're at and your abject unwillingness to do anything for yourself to get out of it. There is only so much we can do. It's up to you now. I hope you make the right decisions and get yourself help however you can.

[Brandon]

Then I again find myself astounded.

If she truly already knows then there's no reason to keep it from her. None of anything. So now I really fail to see what the problem is of your going down to your doctor or clinic to get the help that you need for this and seemingly greatest immediate problem? A problem that actually is not a problem irregardless of what your mom does or does not know or says or doesn't say about it because there are clinics that you can go to, legally without having to disclose anything to your mom or anyone else about this at all (legislation specifically passed for this and similar reasons, in fact), and that under specifically planned parenthood costs you exactly nothing but the time to get over there. I'm just really failing to see the exact reason why you're unwilling to do it with what I see to be nothing to lose but everything to gain. It does not make the slightest sense. I mean here you were telling us this is bad enough to make you cut yourself. But its not bad enough for you to do anything about it, even with the perfectly valid solution of the gender-neutral progesterone injection to resolve this problem likely altogether for you. And its a shot of hormones not dissimilar to how you're going to be relying on getting your T later, but anything other of which according to you will still cause you dysphoria as if it were the pills with female hormones. But yet also while T somehow won't? How does that work? Either you have the absolute worst dysphoria in the history of all trans persons, or something else is going on here we're not privy too.

In that same vein I really have to say at this point that you are being extremely argumentative and stubbornly unreasonable to the perfectly realistic and valid suggestions and advice that you asked to receive. And I'm beginning to have more than just the suspicion that you're not being honest either with yourself or us about the facts concerning your situation. Example, first she knows, then she doesn't and so on. Which is it really? We can't help you if you won't be honest with us so we can know what actually is going on and what will and won't be possible.

If you keep shooting everything and anything down eventually you will run completely out of options and then where will you be? You are playing a very dangerous game with yourself that you ought not to be. Particularly given your other tone of suicidal feelings. You really need help and I don't think any one of us can provide it for where you're at and your abject unwillingness to do anything for yourself to get out of it. There is only so much we can do. It's up to you now. I hope you make the right decisions and get yourself help however you can.

No she knows I'm trans and my mom is not stupid at all she figures out everything, I'm not just relying on.T because I'm going to get surgery to

[mm]

Brandon, I can understand what you are going through.  I get cramps not as bad as yours as I can normally make it through the day at school.  It is hard to understand why my body does this to me every month.  I have problems with taking female hormones and I consider P a female hormone for when is it given to men, not ever that I have ever heard.  P can make your chest grow and give you emotional problems not for me.  I do think you need to talk with someone, school counselors are good for me.  I know you want to get on T ASAP, I do too.

[A]

Hey uhm. Just a thought. Does there exist an "anti-estrogen/anti-period" thing equivalent to the anti-androgens MTFs take?

And uhm, in Brandon's defense, I have to say that I also consider progesterone a female hormone. I'm pretty set on eventually taking it to get my breasts to grow, eventually, myself. Though I completely understand it to be much less "female", if you have to put it on a scale, than estrogen, so I definitely get wanting to get it because the dysphoria (and general pain in the butt for that matter) from having a period is worse than the one from injecting a female product into yourself.

But I can also see the reluctance to getting progesterone and possibly see it have some feminizing effects on the body. Especially when you're in puberty and your body is changing the wrong way, and you really don't want to see it speed up.

[Darkie]

What's more important, suffering through womanhood or leaving school early because you're cramping so bad and crying?

Lots of cis-women take the pill to make periods regular and morebearable. It doesn't have to do with you being trans, its quality of life and getting an education.The pill or other birth control won't make it go away, but more bearable.

I had to go on birth control when I was younger because I had my period for 42 days STRAIGHT.  And it wasn't small either, it was BAD. I got anemia for it.  If you are having really bad cramps and issues, it helps with that.  Yea, it might be a little dysphoric to take it, but which would you rather have?  A pill you take every morning that you can do without really thinking about it, or, if they are like mine, cramps that literally drop you to your knees or almost make you black out.  I've had ovarian cysts rupture, it is NOT fun.  Cramps are NO joke and you could have something more serious going on if it is more than just dull pain.

[Brandon]

I had to go on birth control when I was younger because I had my period for 42 days STRAIGHT.  And it wasn't small either, it was BAD. I got anemia for it.  If you are having really bad cramps and issues, it helps with that.  Yea, it might be a little dysphoric to take it, but which would you rather have?  A pill you take every morning that you can do without really thinking about it, or, if they are like mine, cramps that literally drop you to your knees or almost make you black out.  I've had ovarian cysts rupture, it is NOT fun.  Cramps are NO joke and you could have something more serious going on if it is more than just dull pain.

No the cramps just make me remember that I have them it just makes me dysphoric that's all I just hate havng to deal with them because they make me feel less of a man because men don't experience

[Jack_M]

No the cramps just make me remember that I have them it just makes me dysphoric that's all I just hate havng to deal with them because they make me feel less of a man because men don't experience

Men DO experience this.  Plenty here do!

I'm getting quite sick of how many times people have to explain this to you, but will you PLEASE think before you post!  If you want to be specific use the term cis!

[Brandon]

Men DO experience this.  Plenty here do!

I'm getting quite sick of how many times people have to explain this to you, but will you PLEASE think before you post!  If you want to be specific use the term cis!

Well then fine cis men , Yea well I sound dumb to calling myself a man when you have to deal with that, Gosh you know what I meant

[mm]

Brandon, you said it just as I do.  Cramps remind me continuously with the dull pain that I have those parts.  Once it stop hurting and use tampons I am much better.

[Darkie]

Brandon, how would you feel if someone said you aren't a real man cause you get cramps?  You would be upset right?  That's how you make people feel when you say things without clarifying you are talking about cis men.  People have feelings, respect them.

[MaximmusFlavius]

Brandon, you are obviously at the point right now were you are trying to work everything out. You're trying to reconcile your identity with your religious beliefs, deal with family, which by the sounds of it are unsupportive, and navigate school, none of which are easy on their own. Most people go through a stage of dealing with horrendous dysphoria and having to come to terms with the reality of being trans and the knowledge that you are different from cis-guys. For some people, they work through this and leave it behind, for others, it never goes away. Whether you like it or not, you have to find a way to deal with it, which is what it seems like you are trying to do. Everyone is trying to give you advice, but you just seem to throw it back in their faces. People have limited patience. Yes, sometimes people can overreact, but I strongly suggest you take a minute to really think through what you are saying before posting. It's easy to get caught up in your own opinions and beliefs and forget other people may disagree. In the end this is a support forum, we are all trying to support one another, but there are limits to what people will put up with. Yes you're younger than a lot of people, so are in a different place, but we have ALL been there and have the wisdom gained from life experience. Use this to your advantage. There is a lot everyone here can offer.