Fear of Rejection

[Gina_Z]

I'm afraid to come out. What if my close family and friends reject me? How do you cope with this fear?

[Robin Mack]

You are not alone... I'd venture to guess that most of us fear rejection, on some level at least.  Those who do not are few and far between.

My advice is to build a social network of people who will be ok and discrete with your new identity while you transition (if that is what you need/want to do).  LGBTQ groups are often great for this, look for a support group or seek out the nearby community.  You will need people to talk to who have been there.

Also, I *strongly* recommend you get a therapist trained in gender issues.  Not only can they help you deal with fear/apprehension/coming out/etc, they can also help you in further stages such as hormone therapy should you decide that is the path for you.

Finally, thank you for posting here, and welcome!  This is a very supportive place, and I'm certain you will find a lot of helpful people and posts here.  You are amongst family.  *hug*

[Jasriella]

I'm terrified of being rejected by my family and I have no idea how to go about it either. The lectures ill get.... I just want to live away from everyone before I come out. That way it'll be too late and they'll just have to deal wth it or move on.

[Robin Mack]

I can understand all too well.  That's a big part of what kept me from admitting my trans status to myself for over 30 years; fear of parents'/extended family's reactions.

It took me until now to realize that either they love me forever no matter what, or they aren't strong enough to love me.  I deserve to be happy.  In order to do this, I *need* to have my outsides match, as closely as possible, my insides.  As a grown-up, it is up to me to pursue happiness, and I'll just have to hope my family and friends can keep up.

It is different, though, for everyone, and some people just aren't ready/able to take that step.  This is where a therapist comes in handy.  They can give you tips on coming out, on abating your fears, and they can help you hold things together if you are rejected.  Better still, if they're worth their salt, they can help you realize you and your needs are important, and that you, yourself, have the right and ability to be happy no matter how people react to you.

*hug*

[Tadpole]

I understand you. I consider myself FTM now, but I still have a difficult time "coming out" and starting the conversation with people that may or may not be willing to listen. This is the scariest thing to me, because it's coming out a second time and I don't mind saying that I am in a vulnerable space where harsh rejection due to my (trans)sexuality is something that I've already faced from people I have tried to come out to and I stand to face more of it. But since I know that there are people that will not accept it, that's actually easy, because I know I am in for a daunting task and as I transition I will be showing people that I am different physically and it's their choice to accept it or not. It's difficult but I see it as an ongoing phase that I will either go through or downplay as I go through the process. You do not have to be completely out in the sense of talking about it to others, you also can choose to downplay and just be yourself. The biggest problem with that is trying to get people to address you as the gender you really are.  Misgendering is painful but some people will always do it. My toughest problem is being firm with people who call me female (and telling them that I am not female, and I don't see myself as female).

[Gina_Z]

Thank you to you both. *HUGS*
Therapy is a good idea. Probably won't do me any harm.

[mrs izzy]

It comes down to just letting go of what others might think or feel. One needs to look after there self and make your health #1. Yes you might loose everyone but you might not. I knew in my mind i was going to loose everyone of my family. I knew.... but i also knew that none of them are me. None of them have control over my life. I am the only one who knows me. I came to understand i needed to transistion to be happy. I stepped out of the darkness and did what i needed to do for me and i would do it alone if needed.

Fears are way over rated. The only person in my family i lost was my wife. I was sad, heart broken, upset but did not under shadow my path i needed to finsh walking.

Comes down to do you want to be happy or make everyone else happy while you are un happy? That is the only real choice of being GID.

I wish you well in your path. Remember it has only been given to you to walk. Stay in the light, there is happiness if you are willing to do it for you.

Izzy

[mrs izzy]

Thank you to you both. *HUGS*
Therapy is a good idea. Probably won't do me any harm.

For me i always push for someone to get a good transgender therapist. They will help you so much getting past the bad parts and help you deal with all the things running in your mind. Also they are needed if you really need to start HRT or go to the end and GCS/GRS.

Many here feel that the gatekeepers are not needed being we are all adults, but if you had cancer would you do it alone or get help from a doctor? For me all my gatekeepers where well worth the $$ i spent. But i also had what if felt was the best. They came from me doing my homework and would not settle for just anyone.

Hugs
Izzy

[Gina_Z]

I'll go for therapy. I'm not confused. I know myself well. I need help dealing with the outside world and the reality of losing people. Their discomfort might be softened by a gradual transition. Maybe I'll start with just wearing pink socks.   Lampooning myself.

[mrs izzy]

I'll go for therapy. I'm not confused. I know myself well. I need help dealing with the outside world and the reality of losing people. Their discomfort might be softened by a gradual transition. Maybe I'll start with just wearing pink socks.   Lampooning myself.

Great thinking. Little steps are always better then just jumping in feet first. Pink socks and/or sexy cotton panties are always a great personal growth starter.

Hugs
Izzy

[Jasriella]

Great thinking. Little steps are always better then just jumping in feet first. Pink socks and/or sexy cotton panties are always a great personal growth starter.

Hugs
Izzy

Actually what I've been doing as my starter is wearing a bra as a usual everyday thing. It's hidden from everyone else and I can every day feel some sort of femininity.

[Robin Mack]

Actually what I've been doing as my starter is wearing a bra as a usual everyday thing. It's hidden from everyone else and I can every day feel some sort of femininity.

It's a great start... And matching bra/panties can make a girl feel really special.  I'm stuck in guy mode at work, so that's what I do.  Think of it this way: you'll learn a great secret of the tribe of women: how *amazing* it feels to take your bra off after a long day! 

[Gina_Z]

I'm wearing a nice comfy bra right now. Bras vary so much. When you find a bra you really like, buy a bunch because for me a good fit is rare, but they're out there. I also enjoy a fairly tight fitting ribbed tank top. Makes me feel very girlie. But what can I wear as I start transition? I must think on this. There are some shoes that look less masculine more androgynous. I feel feminine. I need to go that way just a little bit at a time. Psychologically gentle. Also, maybe I can slowly start shaping my brows. Where there is a will, there is a pink way.

[Jamie D]

I'm afraid to come out. What if my close family and friends reject me? How do you cope with this fear?

There is always the chance of rejection.  Some of our members have had wonderfully acceptance; others have had some not so accepting.  If you have shown signs of being transgendered, then they might say, "Oh yeah, that makes sense."

[Jennygirl]

I'm wearing a nice comfy bra right now. Bras vary so much. When you find a bra you really like, buy a bunch because for me a good fit is rare, but they're out there. I also enjoy a fairly tight fitting ribbed tank top. Makes me feel very girlie. But what can I wear as I start transition? I must think on this. There are some shoes that look less masculine more androgynous. I feel feminine. I need to go that way just a little bit at a time. Psychologically gentle. Also, maybe I can slowly start shaping my brows. Where there is a will, there is a pink way.

Disclaimer: not saying you should do this all at once, but it's food for thought

-women's wide neck shirts - while they accentuate broad shoulders, look very andro
-women's boots with a very subtle rise
-a touch of mascara
-a very light foundation
-clear nail polish
-scarves
-shoulder bags
-coats with fur trim
-women's pants
-accessorize! bracelets, rings, and/or necklaces <- wish I'd have done that sooner!

And yes, slowly reshaping your eyebrows is a wonderful idea! Very incredibly feminizing

Awe, androgynous phase is so fun!! I do miss it from time to time. Good luck!

[Jessica Merriman]

To me personally, the fear of rejection from others was not as great as the fear of me rejecting myself. You just can't live that way. My start was nails, eyebrows and some really cute underclothes. I knew from being a paramedic how it would really freak the emergency room staff if I was ever in an accident and needed to be exposed. Have a good time with it!

[Ltl89]

This is my perpetual fear and I totally understand.  While I have gotten over the fear of coming out to my family, I hate the thought the thought of societal rejection.  I have a thread somewhere hear which outlines my coming out experience and everything that has occurred so far between my mother and I.  It's not a pretty picture at all, but it is slowly developing into one. 

In any event, rejection is a serious concern and there is no one answer on how to deal with that possibility.  It's hard.  The best thing I can suggest is speaking with a therapist and discussing this fear in detail.   

There is always the chance of rejection.  Some of our members have had wonderfully acceptance; others have had some not so accepting.  If you have shown signs of being transgendered, then they might say, "Oh yeah, that makes sense."

However, it isn't always the case.  I used to dress up as female celebrities with my sister as a child and my mom apparently saw no signs.  People sometimes see what they want.  I'm not saying this to put a damper on hope, but I really didn't think my mom would have been as clueless as she was given how obvious some of the signs were.  Just be aware that it could go either way no matter how clear you think it should be. 

As for easing your family in, that "may" be the best strategy.  Most need time to adjust and absorb the shock of it all.  You don't need to provide it, but sometimes it helps increase the chances of acceptance. 

[Gina_Z]

Disclaimer: not saying you should do this all at once, but it's food for thought

-women's wide neck shirts - while they accentuate broad shoulders, look very andro
-women's boots with a very subtle rise
-a touch of mascara
-a very light foundation
-clear nail polish
-scarves
-shoulder bags
-coats with fur trim
-women's pants
-accessorize! bracelets, rings, and/or necklaces <- wish I'd have done that sooner!

And yes, slowly reshaping your eyebrows is a wonderful idea! Very incredibly feminizing

Awe, androgynous phase is so fun!! I do miss it from time to time. Good luck!

Thanks Jennygirl. I love those ideas, but what if my relative asks me Why the mascara or why the clear nail polish? Scary. I'll figure out some course of action. I also like the shoe or boot idea.

[Jennygirl]

Thanks Jennygirl. I love those ideas, but what if my relative asks me Why the mascara or why the clear nail polish? Scary. I'll figure out some course of action. I also like the shoe or boot idea.

I completely understand. That is part of the excitement, I guess??