There are so many alternatives... I know it's hard to see right now. I thought it was the end of the world when I was put on academic probation after my first semester at school. I had to talk to my dean, professors, etc... my dean recommended I talk to a therapist. I had depression. They kept me on the scholarship I had and with antidepressants I was able to resurrect my hopes. Then my father was murdered. I tried to go back to school too soon. I wound up dropping out. I barely made ends meet for a long time. Life seemed hopeless. The only reason I didn't check out was I was afraid of the pain it would cause my family. I felt like a disgrace, a failure. I wanted to end it all. It didn't help that I was dealing with dysphoria as well, looking back on it.
I found a support group, I started doing small computer repairs to pay rent on a terrible, tiny, run-down appartment, but I was making it. I could even afford an order of french-fries at the nearby Greek restaurant once in a while. I made friends in a support group. Friends made the difference. Eventually I got a job writing software and then I got married to a woman who swore she was ok with my femininity. That turned out to be false after two years when I tried dressing for the first time. I played the good husband and father after that, losing more and more respect for myself, hating that part of me my spouse could not accept, lying to myself and to the world. I slowly died. My spouse became more and more abusive as time went on and she began abusing painkillers. Finally I separated from her, and with counseling and lots of time I finally was ok on my own again. Now I'm divorced, with a mountain of debt and a contracting job that doesn't even begin to make a dent in that debt, having lost a good-paying job I had during my marriage.
*Now* I admit to myself what I had been hiding, all along, that I'm a female. Inside, anyway. *Now* when I have no money, little hope, and I'm staring forty in the face. *Now* I understand why I couldn't plan, couldn't see a future; I had been denying the most fundamental thing about myself. *Now* I have found a new therapist.
The common thread here is that I kept seeing the end of the world, of plans, hopes, dreams, everything I knew, over and over again. Each time the one thing that helped me through it was reaching out for help. Please, please, please learn from me. Get a therapist. If you find one you don't click with, get another. Get help, because while I'm sure you *can* make it on your own, it is so much faster and better to get help, someone who can work with you and give you options and let you see the future.
*hug*
It really does get better. I feel for you, and I know a great many people here do, too... and I know in my heart there are many people in your life (maybe not yet, but there will be) that will help and support you and get you through this.
Much love,
from someone who could very well be yourself from the future. Take care of yourself.
