Inappropriate attention

[MaryXYX]

This is a real life experience, and one which I ought to have the experience to deal with by my age - and you all know why I don't.

At a social group on Wednesday morning a guy starting giving me "inappropriate" attention.  A hand across my shoulders is a bit familiar, but fingering my bra straps is too much.  Touching my hand - which was on my thigh - is probably OK, but putting his hand on my thigh is too much.  How to deal with it?

If he knew nothing of my 'history' it would be a bit creepy as I am probably 20 years older than him.  However it is fairly clear he does know, which in my opinion makes it a lot more sinister.  Any thoughts on that?

One of the women where I live, who is nearly 80, said she would go straight to "F*** OFF!!!"  As I let him get away with it that time I feel I have to start more gently.  I was thinking:
1. X, you are making me uncomfortable.
2. Back off, X.
3. (Raises voice) Touch me like that again and it's a harassment charge.

At that group I would have plenty of backup but I do have to learn to deal with this sort of thing by myself.

[Jessica Merriman]

I would say choice #1. I have had a rule my entire career within three feet is close enough unless I initiate or want the attention. This position should be respected by all as some virus and sickness can be spread easily within this distance (Ie flu, etc). Choice #2 could initiate a physical confrontation by challenging someone like throwing a glove down. Choice #3 could label you as someone to avoid and not invite to other social functions and could lead to isolation. This is merely my opinion based on 28 years as a paramedic with people of all socio-economic classes, religious belief's etc. Be gentle, yet firm. Hope this helps?

[Danielle Emmalee]

I didn't interpret the 3 things as choices.  From my understanding they were steps to take i.e. if #1 doesn't do the job, move on the #2, if that doesn't work, move on to #3

[Jessica Merriman]

Just food for thought on consequences of action reactions. You're right on though, it is like the police use of force pyramid where escalation is based on changing circumstances. Up the encounter, up the reaction.

[suzifrommd]

Don't like #1 - he obviously doesn't believe he could make someone uncomfortable, or doesn't care.

I would opt for repositioning myself, if possible, so he is not near me. If that's not possible, I would give an unambiguous "Don't touch me!" If he persists after either of these measures, threats or action would be appropriate.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Don't like #1 - he obviously doesn't believe he could make someone uncomfortable, or doesn't care.

Couldn't be that he doesn't know it makes her uncomfortable?  I don't think you can assume nefarious intentions

[MaryXYX]

I did mean try #1 and if it doesn't work try #2 and if that doesn't work go to #3 and make eye contact with known supporters in the group.  Sorry - not clear.

I am still concerned about a man approaching a woman a couple of decades older than him - knowing she is trans*.

[Shantel]

If he knew nothing of my 'history' it would be a bit creepy as I am probably 20 years older than him.  However it is fairly clear he does know, which in my opinion makes it a lot more sinister.  Any thoughts on that?

Oh yes he has "nefarious intentions" it is actually the root of the problem! He is obviously envisioning the same kinds of fantasy's that all ->-bleeped-<-s do. Any kind of touchy-feely attention should be reserved for those you have given the signals to, anyone else's attentions would always be unwelcome. I am an outgoing, friendly personality type but even so, people don't get inside my comfort zone which is an arms reach without my having allowed it by giving those kinds of body language signals that it is OK. That being said, the person Mary is dealing with is a creep and she needs to confront him next time by simply saying, "You make me very uncomfortable and I expect you to keep your hands to yourself and stop your hovering behavior!" If you don't nip this sort of thing in the bud then Mr. Fantasy will think he has your tacit approval to continue on with it.

[Renee]

Oh yes he has "nefarious intentions" it is actually the root of the problem! He is obviously envisioning the same kinds of fantasy's that all ->-bleeped-<-s do. Any kind of touchy-feely attention should be reserved for those you have given the signals to, anyone else's attentions would always be unwelcome. I am an outgoing, friendly personality type but even so, people don't get inside my comfort zone which is an arms reach without my having allowed it by giving those kinds of body language signals that it is OK. That being said, the person Mary is dealing with is a creep and she needs to confront him next time by simply saying, "You make me very uncomfortable and I expect you to keep your hands to yourself and stop your hovering behavior!" If you don't nip this sort of thing in the bud then Mr. Fantasy will think he has your tacit approval to continue on with it.

Yep, what Shantel said. I've had that issue with a few people and telling them outright to leave you alone is the best route. They don't seem to take hints that well. They always creep me out as I don't want anyone attracted to me because I'm trans.

[MaryXYX]

Agreed Shantel - I will have to be ready to explain that I allowed him to proceed last time because I was taken by surprise and didn't have time to make a good response.  I will also have to learn how to deal with people who are a bit over friendly - I can probably accept that in a safe environment - and distinguish this sort quicker.

I have collected an "admirer" on a TV/TG site and I'm practicing on him.  I'm ignoring his suggestions that we would get on better if I gave him my IM contact or private email details!  I'm playing one against the other now by asking him for advice on getting rid of the guy I'm talking about in this thread.

[MaryXYX]

Yep, what Shantel said. I've had that issue with a few people and telling them outright to leave you alone is the best route. They don't seem to take hints that well. They always creep me out as I don't want anyone attracted to me because I'm trans.

Exactly.  I need to learn to identify that sort quicker, and be ready to go quickly from hint to plain "Get lost".

[Shantel]

Agreed Shantel - I will have to be ready to explain that I allowed him to proceed last time because I was taken by surprise and didn't have time to make a good response.  I will also have to learn how to deal with people who are a bit over friendly - I can probably accept that in a safe environment - and distinguish this sort quicker.

I have collected an "admirer" on a TV/TG site and I'm practicing on him.  I'm ignoring his suggestions that we would get on better if I gave him my IM contact or private email details!  I'm playing one against the other now by asking him for advice on getting rid of the guy I'm talking about in this thread.

Sounds good Mary, there is a time to become assertive and there is a time be sweet!

[Adam (birkin)]

Let me assure you, these sorts are cowards. I've also read stories about women getting groped on the bus or the train, and when they confront their attackers outright, the creeps run off. I would skip option #1, saying "you're making me uncomfortable" comes off, to me, as too passive. Though, if you said what Shantel said (adding on the "I expect you to keep your hands to yourself") that would be good.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

If #3 doesn't work go to 4.

4. Punch him in the nose or grab his junk and squeeze hard.

[Alainaluvsu]

I'm the kind of person that would just find a chance to sit somewhere else... or project that I don't want him doing that stuff with my body language, like leaning away from him or turning my back to him abruptly... idk it all depends. But I don't normally say anything, I let my actions do the talking if I can.

[Shantel]

I'm the kind of person that would just find a chance to sit somewhere else... or project that I don't want him doing that stuff with my body language, like leaning away from him or turning my back to him abruptly... idk it all depends. But I don't normally say anything, I let my actions do the talking if I can.

Sometimes body language speaks louder than words, so that would be an excellent way to deal with it.

[MaryXYX]

Clear body language together with one of the milder spoken version might be a good first try.  I tend not to think of non verbal signals because of the Asperger's.

I would think punching him could be dangerous.  On the one hand he could respond in kind - I don't think this guy would, and on the other he could call it assault.  A good scream would be better, especially in a public place.  I might have to find a secluded spot and practice!

I'm collecting the suggestions to ponder.  There is a chance I will meet him at the Bible Study this evening, but if not next Wednesday is very likely.

[Shantel]

Clear body language together with one of the milder spoken version might be a good first try.  I tend not to think of non verbal signals because of the Asperger's.

I would think punching him could be dangerous.  On the one hand he could respond in kind - I don't think this guy would, and on the other he could call it assault.  A good scream would be better, especially in a public place.  I might have to find a secluded spot and practice!

I'm collecting the suggestions to ponder.  There is a chance I will meet him at the Bible Study this evening, but if not next Wednesday is very likely.

My spouse refuses to attend church mostly because of the men that disguise their groping as Christian brotherly love for a sister in the Lord. But there will always be tares (weeds) in the wheat field, just another of life's challenges to make us aware of the basic nature of man!

[MaryXYX]

My spouse refuses to attend church mostly because of the men that disguise their groping as Christian brotherly love for a sister in the Lord. But there will always be tares (weeds) in the wheat field, just another of life's challenges to make us aware of the basic nature of man!

Now that one would get a hefty slap, or perhaps even an uppercut to the chin.  The men I tend to get close to in my church are mostly gay - I'm still waiting for one of the lesbians to make advances!

It is another scenario to be aware of though.

[Shakti]

I usually just end up making up some excuse to leave in situations like that, I'm not good at being assertive or dealing with conflict.