I got READ

[suzifrommd]

Nothing earth shaking, but left a strange taste so I wanted other people's impression.

I went on a hike with a lesbian meetup with four other women . I had a great time. They were super interesting people and we went out for lunch afterward.

During lunch, the lady who organized it told me I looked familiar, and asked me if I knew Mara Drummond.

(Mara Drummond is a transgender author who lives in our local community. I haven't actually ever met her.)

I'm convinced she read me as trans.

I tried to hide my surprise. I said no, I didn't know Mara Drummond, but the name sounded familiar. (The truth, though maybe a tad incomplete).

A couple minutes later, I casually asked what made her think I would know Mara Drummond.

"I hang out with her sometimes, and I thought I might have known you from that", was the answer. "She has a lot of tall friends and you're tall."

Aside from disappointment at not passing (though I did spend all morning with the woman, so there was a lot of opportunity to spot stuff, and it was for lesbians so they're probably more sensitive to this sort of thing), I thought it was kind of intrusive to as me about being trans, even really obliquely. I mean, I'm glad she didn't just say it straight out, but I thought this indirect reference was wasn't that much of an improvement.

This is the second time in as many weeks, that someone asked me whether I was trans by asking if I know so-and-so, who was an out transwoman.

Have others had similar experiences? How would you handle this?

[Danielle Emmalee]

Sorry, I'm not here to answer your question.  I just thought that the tall thing was hilarious...I mean maybe she sincerely meant tall, but I find it much more likely that it was a "gentler" way of saying trans.

My advice would depend on what you think the intentions of the person were.  Do you think they meant "I know your secret, you're not fooling anyone" or "I know other transwomen, you can feel comfortable around me" or maybe something completely different.

[Cindy]

I would read it as total acceptance. Whether she knows you are transgender or not is irrelevant!

I think we need to realise that we will 'always' be read sometime, unless we are very fortunate in our looks etc. we just have to have a good coping mechanism.

Mine is that I don't care. I'm me. I'm happy. I'm proud of being me.

[suzifrommd]

Do you think they meant "I know your secret, you're not fooling anyone" or "I know other transwomen, you can feel comfortable around me" or maybe something completely different.

I think it was "I've guessed you might be trans and I'm burning to find out whether or not I'm right."

[Shantel]

I think it was "I've guessed you might be trans and I'm burning to find out whether or not I'm right."

You're probably right, it was pretty rude though!

[Jessica Merriman]

I wouldn't sweat it too much. Knowing the author means she is probably around transsexuals at times and in tune with it. Not like a regular person with no contact in that world. Also, maybe she did think she saw you sometime in the past and did not want to appear rude by ignoring you. Just food for thought. Have a great day!

[Tessa James]

you know some will pride themselves on their transdar abilities but it kinda sounds like "I have a gay friend you might know...." The uninformed think there are so few of us that we are all friends?

[Kate G]

I hate being read.  Being red often times is like a giant claw reaching out and pulling you away from the present and dragging you back into the misery and horror of the past. 

Because of this I try to avoid gays and lesbians. 

[izzy]

sorry for the comment that they made to you. its defitnitely an implied statement that your trans. But I kinda hate when people do those kinds of things because its all its women competition, to show they are the better women

[Devlyn]

This probably won't be popular. In life, when I'm getting to know someone in a wheelchair, I ask them if they'd mind telling me why they use it. If I work with someone with a horrible burn on their face or a cloudy eye, I'll ask what happened. It's human nature to notice and wonder things about other people. The guy in the wheelchair didn't get mad, he told me he was glad I asked. Said he had friends that had known him for years and never asked why he needed the chair.

Most humans are taught that if you ask a respectful question, almost any topic is acceptable.  Sometimes, talking to transgender people, no matter how gently, can be a minefield. Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

This probably won't be popular. In life, when I'm getting to know someone in a wheelchair, I ask them if they'd mind telling me why they use it. If I work with someone with a horrible burn on their face or a cloudy eye, I'll ask what happened. It's human nature to notice and wonder things about other people. The guy in the wheelchair didn't get mad, he told me he was glad I asked. Said he had friends that had known him for years and never asked why he needed the chair.

Most humans are taught that if you ask a respectful question, almost any topic is acceptable.  Sometimes, talking to transgender people, no matter how gently, can be a minefield. Hugs, Devlyn

I totally agree with you about the burns and wheelchair. I'd do the same thing.

Asking a woman whether she's trans isn't the same thing:
* If she's  not, you're saying she looks male.
* If she is, you're saying she's readable.

Either way, not flattering.

[Devlyn]

I reread your O/P, it seems she carefully avoided saying that, yet you "credited" her for it. Maybe I'm misreading it, apologies if I am. Hugs, Devlyn

[Beth Andrea]

I totally agree with you about the burns and wheelchair. I'd do the same thing.

Asking a woman whether she's trans isn't the same thing:
* If she's  not, you're saying she looks male.
* If she is, you're saying she's readable.

Either way, not flattering.

Would you rather have it so you are readable, but no one could tell you this? If they say nothing, we might convince ourselves that "Oh golly, I must look 100% passable! Yay me!"

To me, that's sort of like having bad breath...but no one mentions it for fear of embarrassing you, so one goes about their life thinking "..at least I don't have bad breath!"

Btw, she didn't ask you if you were trans, she asked if you knew a particular author...yes, she likely was fishing for info, but then if I were gay, that'd probably be the ice-breaker for me to find out if the person I'm talking to is gay, by mentioning a gay author or perhaps even a subject ("I was thinking about going to the gay pride parade in a couple weeks...")

[Emmaline]

Lol... 'tall' ... lets coopt the word and own it.  Tall pride!

Its hard to say if thats what she meant without being there.  But its hard to say 'hey are you trans?' Isnt it.

I will tell a little aside story on the subject.  I was walking through an unfamiliar mall recently, and I clocked a girl walking towards me.  Very passable to mortals, but not to the trans eye- having spent so much time analyzing trans faces online we are our own worst critics.   She saw that I clocked her, and looked anxious.  Or... did she?  I wanted to pop over, introduce myself and point to my trans pride symbol bracelet and let her know I was a sister too... but something stopped me.   What if I was wrong?
Sigh... it may have turned an uncomfortable moment for her to a happy one.  But dammit, missed.

We need a secret signal or something



Maybe I should have asked her if she was tall.

[Shantel]

I totally agree with you about the burns and wheelchair. I'd do the same thing.

Asking a woman whether she's trans isn't the same thing:
* If she's  not, you're saying she looks male.
* If she is, you're saying she's readable.

Either way, not flattering.

Absolutely not flattering and shouldn't be done, implied or hinted at for those two reasons exactly and I want to add especially should never come from another trans person unless it clearly evident that it's OK.

[Beth Andrea]

Absolutely not flattering and shouldn't be done, implied or hinted at for those two reasons exactly and I want to add especially should never come from another trans person unless it clearly evident that it's OK.

And what would be "clearly evident"?

(Besides seeing me in my car LOL)

[ErinM]

I totally agree with you about the burns and wheelchair. I'd do the same thing.

Asking a woman whether she's trans isn't the same thing:
* If she's  not, you're saying she looks male.
* If she is, you're saying she's readable.

Either way, not flattering.

Absolutely. I don't mind people asking about my eye - if it is done in a tactful and respectful way.

That said is someone outright asked if I was trans I'd feel like crap regardless of how they did it.

[Kate G]

Absolutely. I don't mind people asking about my eye - if it is done in a tactful and respectful way.

That said is someone outright asked if I was trans I'd feel like crap regardless of how they did it.

This.

[Sammy]

Lets see if she is going to invite You over for next event. If yes, then it was a subtle way (at least in her opinion) of hers to let You know and that she is cool with it.  If not, then it is the same, except You are not welcome anymore. If they were a nice company, then I hope it will turn out as the former option.

[sam79]

As much as I would hate to be read / clocked down the line, I accept that there are some people who will always know or suspect my trans status. Typically they'd be involved in the circle somehow. I'd certainly hope for enough respect to never approach me about it though.

And I mean I clock some trans girls around that few others members of the community would. But I'd never act up or approach them. Geez.