So... today I saw a therapist for the first time and what I though was random depression, she thinks it might be related to gender issues, so... I have decided to do more research and think that I really do have gender issues.
Now a little introduction. I am a 24 year old Male, who questions that line every day, going to college, trying to get though the process of schooling and into a full career. I am a Computer Science major, with a love for website design. I like karaoke, sports, fishing, and nail polish.
I spend my whole life with a like for girls, in a sexual way and in a jealous way. I started cross dressing at a young age, thanks to having a younger sister, and it has progressed over the years. For the longest time I thought I was weird thinking about being a girl, trying to be as masculine as possible. But when I got into high school I learned about being transgender and wondered for a long time if that is what I am. I am pansexual, and attracted to all sides, but when I look at a woman I get both excited and jealous, in that I want to sleep with her and I want to be her. I spend the past few years body building, after losing a lot of weight, but could never be happy, I felt that no matter how much I lift I was never in the body that I could like. I always felt fat and awkward, even though I really did bulk up a lot. After an injury halted my workouts, I started to get back into crossdressing.
I spend the past few months playing around with herbs and found their effects to cause things to happen that I like, such as breast development and lowered libido, but this progression was too fast and had to stop. I got really depressed, and possible the lowest I have ever been, over the past few weeks and decided to see a therapist for the first time. I am glad that I did and look forward to my next session.
I originally though it was just a fetish and that my depression was just something that always lingered from stress and genetic bs, but after talking the my therapist, she thinks that gender issues might be a the heart of the problem and that I been suppressing it so much that it has started to eat away at me.
Now im not sure what I am, but I hope with some therapy and some more research I will find who I truly am.
