Do you write? A call for submissions:

[Lo]

Micah of Neutrois.me (really fantastic resource for people who identify as gender-neutral or genderless and are looking for information on transitioning especially) announced today that he's going to be the editor of an anthology called Letters For My Siblings. More info at that link! Deadline is Feb. 1st, so there's plenty of time. Basically what it is is a book collecting short pieces written by "non-binary, genderqueer, gender non-conforming, bigender, agender, or [people] who simply don't fit nicely into the boxes of "man" and "woman"" about their experiences and what it's like to live a day-to-day life as who they are. There are prompts if that's too broad a topic.

I'm definitely going to contribute, and I've already got some written. It's going to be a letter addressed to my 13-year-old self.

[Robin Mack]

Thank you, that sounds like a wonderful opportunity!  There are many things I wish I could tell my younger self, or to others like myself.

*hug*

[Asche]

I looked at the linked post.  It looks like the idea is to write something addressed to your younger self.

I would kind of like doing something like that, except what would I say?

I can't say that it gets better, or that you'll understand more.  When I was younger, I still had some hope that I would find my niche, or at least find people who would understand and accept me and I wouldn't always be the weirdo or the outsider.  I no longer entertain that hope.  (Or much of any hope.)

What I have (partly) achieved in my 4 decades of adulthood is some degree of willingness to see who I am and to more or less accept it.  I keep looking into the abyss of my soul, a little deeper each time, and haven't yet drowned myself in the Hudson (though I think about it every few days.)  But this would hardly be comforting to my 20-year-old self.  It's ignorance, not knowledge of the future that allows me to soldier on.

"Know thyself," the philosopher said.  But I notice that by the end of it, he was more than willing to drink the hemlock.  Maybe if I know myself well enough, I'll feel the same.

[Robin Mack]

What I have (partly) achieved in my 4 decades of adulthood is some degree of willingness to see who I am and to more or less accept it.  I keep looking into the abyss of my soul, a little deeper each time, and haven't yet drowned myself in the Hudson (though I think about it every few days.)  But this would hardly be comforting to my 20-year-old self.  It's ignorance, not knowledge of the future that allows me to soldier on.

"Know thyself," the philosopher said.  But I notice that by the end of it, he was more than willing to drink the hemlock.  Maybe if I know myself well enough, I'll feel the same.

The philosopher in question was, er, "persuaded" (OK, sentenced) to drink that hemlock; it wasn't a depressive thing because he knew himself too well.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Socrates  I believe you have little to fear in that regard. 

I'm familiar with that abyss.  I found myself staring into it and teetering on the brink all too often, especially toward the end of my marriage.  It took a lot of professional help to get me away from the edge of it... the abyss can be hypnotizing, tantalizing.  The end it promises is all too permanent, and fixating on it can cause a person to lose herself.

I hope you have a therapist, and a good one, or that you find one.  Before I could even face my gender issues I had to get to the place where I realized I was a real human, not a monster, and just as entitled to happiness as everyone else I knew.

*That*, I think, is what I would write to my younger self.  Unfortunately I don't think my younger self was in the right state of mind to listen; she (thinking of herself as a must-be-he at the time) would intellectually agree, but dismiss it because there is a huge difference between knowing something and internalizing it.

Good luck in your journey, Asche... and may you find your way back from the edge.  *hug*  Feel free to PM or email me any time, if you like.  I've been where you are, and I can loan you a map if you're ready to read it.  It's my map, based on landmarks important to me, so it may be of little use, but I will do whatever I can to help.  *hug*

[Asche]

The philosopher in question was, er, "persuaded" (OK, sentenced) to drink that hemlock;

My understanding was that he could have avoided it, if he'd been willing to go into exile.  (IIRC, that's what Alcibiades did when Athens decided that he was to blame for various reverses during the Peloponnesian wars.)  He felt it would have been contrary to his moral philosopy to refuse to submit to the judgement of the State.

I'm always skeptical when people claim to be doing things on principle, though.  My experience is that other things play a role.  So I like to imagine that he was just tired of all the cr*p -- the petty intrigues, the follies, the hypocrisies, etc.  Better to go out in a blaze of glory rather than just slowly decay in the muck.  (Can you tell I've been reading Thucydides?)

[Robin Mack]

I'm always skeptical when people claim to be doing things on principle, though.  My experience is that other things play a role.  So I like to imagine that he was just tired of all the cr*p -- the petty intrigues, the follies, the hypocrisies, etc.  Better to go out in a blaze of glory rather than just slowly decay in the muck.  (Can you tell I've been reading Thucydides?)

A bit.    "...and now back to your regularly scheduled thread..."

[Kendall]

I don't know if I have anymore writing in me. Wish I could.

[Taka]

i don't think there is too much i could say to my younger self in order to help, so i won't rise to this challenge.

My understanding was that he could have avoided it, if he'd been willing to go into exile.  (IIRC, that's what Alcibiades did when Athens decided that he was to blame for various reverses during the Peloponnesian wars.)  He felt it would have been contrary to his moral philosopy to refuse to submit to the judgement of the State.

exile i in many cultures seen as a worse punishment than death. i's a choice between dying an honorable death in one's own homeland, or dying among strangers with no hope of being buried near the place one is from. some philosophies say that you are not only what you eat, but also a part of the place you're from. food grown in the place you were born and grew up will always be better for your health. some old chinese philosophy, but europeans might have thought that way too in some aspects, before science suddenly had the answer to everyting.

[Lo]

I agree with everything you said, Ativan, except for one thing that had me confused...

I have no idea what 'boring' even is.

People get bored? How does that work?

I sleep, eat, work, relax in the same 100 sq/ft space, and I have for the past 6 years. Sometimes my room was a lot less than 100 sq/ft. I got frustrated, I got cabin fever... but I never got bored. Maybe that's because I'm an artist and I'm trained to look at everything like it's new, every time. There is always something I don't know or haven't seen to everything, even an empty beer can. I thrive on being rooted, in having something to call my own and draw energy from, to see how it changes from day to day, year to year; without that I'm numb as a ghost. I'm the kind of person that loves watching moss grow.

[Taka]

i have to take back my previous statement.
today i met with my older self, and learned that there is something i need to share with my younger self as well.
so i will write.

[Robin Mack]

i have to take back my previous statement.
today i met with my older self, and learned that there is something i need to share with my younger self as well.
so i will write.

Glad to hear it!  My older self is still too impatient with me to be talking at the moment, I guess.  She's just glad to hear I'm finally getting around to bringing her into being after all this time!

[ativan]

I have no idea what 'boring' even is.
People get bored? How does that work?

When it becomes so much of the same that your mind isn't engaged in reality or anything else.

I also live in a small space, it's filled with my artist stuff, photography stuff mostly.
I always literally have thousands of photo's that I need to go through at any given time.
Most are repeat shots that will get deleted. They're in chronological order in my computer, but some are consolidated.
Some are the same thing, four seasons worth, different times of day. Different weather.
Everything is always in motion to me. I take photos of the moss growing. 
Ativan

[Pica Pica]

I wrote something today, it was a really energising experience and seemed to consolidate and make sense of the journey I have been on. I will keep it a few days to check the words flow as I intend before sending it off. I'm quite pleased with it.

[Lo]

When it becomes so much of the same that your mind isn't engaged in reality or anything else.

I also live in a small space, it's filled with my artist stuff, photography stuff mostly.
I always literally have thousands of photo's that I need to go through at any given time.
Most are repeat shots that will get deleted. They're in chronological order in my computer, but some are consolidated.
Some are the same thing, four seasons worth, different times of day. Different weather.
Everything is always in motion to me. I take photos of the moss growing. 
Ativan

See, that sounds like meditation, to me.

I guess a lot of people just aren't wired to experience that in a positive or neutral way, though.

And take more! I'm sure the moss loves it.

[ativan]

Meditation has intent. I don't know how people do that.

I think the point was more of, if you're really feeling that stable sameness and it's getting you down, time to make plans.

[Taka]

maybe what you found was what many people seek through meditation. in your moss photography.
i don't think you need any meditation if you can find meaning in watching moss grow.

[Lo]

Meditation has intent. I don't know how people do that.

I think the point was more of, if you're really feeling that stable sameness and it's getting you down, time to make plans.

Agreed.

[Pica Pica]

This book is now coming out (possibly come out).

I have a chapter in it, does anyone else?

A chance to read the introduction here... https://cup.columbia.edu/sampler/9780231546102/google-preview