An open letter to a friend i met tonight, and friends on here.

[Sophia Hawke]

     Dear Friend,

       I met you tonight at the bar while i sat on the hood of my taxicab.   You were here on vacation with your husband from DC.   We talked tonight for 20 minutes+ outside the bar.  You were drunk and seemingly high on cocaine also.    I've have had a really bad day today and spent the first half crying myself to sleep.    When we spoke it was clear that you could tell that i was transgendered and you made subtle hints that you were aswell.  I myself took adderall before going to work tonight just so i could make it through the night socially so i could work and deal with customers as well as my friends being from a very very small town.    I really want to thank you for putting me at ease tonight as im sure you could tell my anxiety was through the roof even after being calmed from the adderall and being surrounded by many of my friends.
    You told me my hair was beautiful and looked into my eyes and straight through my soul.   You gave me more courage tonight than i have ever had before in my life.  I really want to thank you for making my night with just a few kind words and a look and hug.   I really dont know if you are on here, but i really hope this reaches you some how.  For the first time in nearly 20 years i finally feel that i have the courage to come out.  Tonight i decided that i am going to share with my entire family including my biggoted father, my crack head, prostitute mother, and my two step sisters and two close friends.   It's finally time for me to shed the shame, guilt, anxiety and at times pure terror i feel about my gender identity so i can move forward with my life.  I'm still terrified that i will lose my taxi cab business but if i dont come out im going to lose my life.    My only hope is that i can find enough adderall or a psychiatrist to help me some kind of medication so that i can make it through this, because i know of no other way to get through it all, my anxiety is just too crippling.
      My name is Conrad and i live in Corolla, NC.   Everyone here knows me, and many people call me Corolla Jesus because i believe in helping others.   I Own the only taxicab company up here, Duck Taxi.    Perhaps some of you have vacationed here in the past or even ridden with me in my taxi.   If  anyone ever happens to be here on vacation or anything else,  please show me some support because im going to really need it.  I've given myself over to my local community as much as possible in order to help others, even at the cost of money to myself, now i ask of this community (susans.org) to show me moral support in any way they can if they are ever nearby.   
     I am no longer concerned for my business as far as coming out is concerned.   I realize that i can never truly succeed in the business world until i let myself succeed in my personal world and let the person on the inside out.   Everything i written here has brought tears of joy my eyes tonight as well a a partial sense of relief.

                        Sincerely Sophia Hawke aka Conrad.

A NOTE TO THE MODS: PLEASE DO NOT CENSOR MY REAL NAME OR LOCATION.   YES I UNDERSTAND WHAT IM DOING BY DOING THIS.   I'M IN A POSITION WHERE IM WELL PROTECTED FROM VIOLENCE OR RAPE ECT.   PLEASE AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, THERE ARE NO SUPPORT GROUPS OUT HERE, I STILL HAVE THE DESIRE TO SIT DOWN AND TALK WITH OTHER TRANSGENDERED PEOPLE FOR MY OWN WELL BEING, YET I CANNOT LEAVE THE ISLAND DUE TO TIME AND COST RESTRICTIONS.

[Alice Rogers]

Brave as hell Sophie, good luck with the coming out, I have only my father left to face that with, everyone else can tell just by looking at me!

But seriously, I wish you all the luck in the world and I am happy to talk, message me any time sweetie.

Allie

[Sophia Hawke]

It honestly surprises the hell out of me aswell that this hasnt come up sooner.   I do have beautiful long hair, that i straighten and take great care to do.  I pluck my eyebrows(although im not too get at it yet) and behave (at least from my perspective) quite feminine despite holding back alot.  Now the flood gates have opened, and i almost cant hold back even if i wanted to.   I'm going to try to talk to my step sister and my mother tomorrow, before i run out of adderall.   Also going to setup an appointment with a psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow as well as a blood test of my hormones my doctor wants.  Ive been self medicating with  Adderall for the last several months on and off just so i could function at work and in life, and while i can honestly say that Adderall has truly saved my life in ways few could understand.  It's, however, time for me to stop self medicating and get with a doctor due to the extremely dangerous nature of amphetamines.   

I really just want to go outside and live and not be stuck in my house in terror for the first time in my life.  I really hope this can help take me there.

[Alice Rogers]

I am hoping I get my Meds at my next appointment in 2 weeks. I really know what you mean about flood gates, all my old male clothes went to my boyfriends wardrobe and mine is exclusively my female clothing now. I feel ill if I so much as put a male pullover on now.

I DO go out, but only to selected places. I feel safe in supermarkets because they are busy, I still live in fear of that one group of youths (or older guys which would probably be worse) that I could run into.

I hate stares, teenage girls are the worst for it. Whispering and giggling and thinking you haven't noticed.

Allie

p.s. Don't they recommend against using Adderall if you have anxiety or stress related concerns?

[Sophia Hawke]

I am hoping I get my Meds at my next appointment in 2 weeks. I really know what you mean about flood gates, all my old male clothes went to my boyfriends wardrobe and mine is exclusively my female clothing now. I feel ill if I so much as put a male pullover on now.

I DO go out, but only to selected places. I feel safe in supermarkets because they are busy, I still live in fear of that one group of youths (or older guys which would probably be worse) that I could run into.

I hate stares, teenage girls are the worst for it. Whispering and giggling and thinking you haven't noticed.

Allie

p.s. Don't they recommend against using Adderall if you have anxiety or stress related concerns?

They do sometimes.  The thing about medications for me is this.   Ive been through a ton of anti depressants and other medications over the years.   Most of them made things worse and some did nothing at all, virtually all of them made me tired and unable to work.  I drive a taxicab for a living so being awake and alert is essential to my job.   Adderall is the first medication ive taken that didnt have terrible side effects or cause me to become emotionally unstable and long as i dont take too much.    It calms me and my anxiety down to a tolerable level and still leaves me awake enough to function.   I actually feel very "normal" while taking it, if a bit focused.   I actually forgot to eat tonight and probably took more adderall than i should of and at this point im sweating my ass off(its also hot as hell with broken ac) and feeling a bit sick because of it.   Thankfully it should be wearing off soon and im relaxing a bit with a bottle of water and some bread to calm things down.

I do not know if a psychiatrist will even prescribe this to me, esp after i tell her that i have been self medicating with it.  I do however hope and would be happy if they gave me something to help curb the anxiety and help me through coming out, because i definately need some kind of medication and for all i know there could be something out there much much better and safer than adderall for me.

As for stares and giggles and such, ive been getting this more and more lately as ive been letting things out  in public and at work.   Makes me sad that people dont understand.   I still fear violence some, but there are so many cops around here that not much could happen to me without them noticing.

[Alice Rogers]

I have been lucky I guess, I have had a steady and loving boyfriend throughout my entire process of realisation of my true gender. He knew before I did but he didn't tell me, he wanted to let me come to my own conclusion in case he was wrong!

I started the official process of transition because he would not allow me to self medicate, he simply told me right out that I would do it with medical supervision or not at all, in hindsight he was very right as you never know how a medication can affect you sometimes until it is too late.

Sounds like Adderall was a life saver for you (literally) and I can only hope that any professional you visit will realise this and take it into account.

It would be foolish to refuse to give you Adderall just because you have been self medicating with it, but doctors and the like DO hate it when people tell them their business (boy did I learn that lesson the hard way!)

Allie

[Beth Andrea]

Wow, what a great letter, and courage! Sophie, I'm so happy for you!

*hugs*

I've have had a really bad day today and spent the first half crying myself to sleep.    When we spoke it was clear that you could tell that i was transgendered and you made subtle hints that you were as well.

Interestingly, there's a thread recently on whether or not we should introduce ourselves to another TS...here's one reason it might be a good thing, by being bold and confident in ourselves, we might encourage others to live.

Thanks for sharing!

[Sophia Hawke]

She gave me more courage than I could give myself.  I made an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist today.   I really don't know how hard it is to get on hrt but I get the feeling that this will be a transition that happens fairly quickly for me.  My step sister and her gf are going to take me shopping in VA.  And are going to help me do my make up.  I've also decided that my horrid uncomfortable boxers can go for good.  Lace panties are by far the most comfortable clothing I've ever worn.   Going to try and mix in my new clothes one piece at a time maybe.  Although, I really can't wait until I can wear a dress or skirt full time and finally feel free again. 

[Megumi]

Congrats Sophie! Coming out feels like the hardest thing in the world to do to me but it's something we all have to do to finally move on with our lives. I hope everything goes well  

[Ltl89]

Hey Sophie,

Congrats on the positive experience!  I'm glad you had a wonderful night and have reached an important epiphany.

On the name, perhaps you may want to reconsider?  I realize this is your choice to disclose your name and location, but this could have more complications than you are currently considering.  If you wish to be out and proud, awesome and stand strong.  However, please realize once something is out there, it's always out there.  Also, the duration of the posted information increases the chance that someone may see it.  Again, your decision.  I just want to make sure you are okay.

Lastly, I'm happy to hear you are getting off the Adderall.  That's awesome.  The only thing I wanted to say is that transitioning is difficult and can sometimes lead us back to old coping methods.  I say this as someone who used to cope with medication and find the struggle difficult at times.  You can do this, but remember addiction will always be present in some form and we'll always have to remain vigilant; especially, at the tough times which do exist in a gender transition.  So, stay strong and keep on making the positive progress.  You can do this!

Glad to hear everything is moving in a positive direction. Good luck with it all!

[Sophia Hawke]

I'm still figuring out coming out to friends, but once one person in town knows everyone will know.

[Lesley_Roberta]

"You were drunk and seemingly high on cocaine also."

Just saying the obvious here but I would not suggest assuming your briefly encountered friend will remember the evening too well.

I have been drunk even if never drunk and stoned.

Good luck with the apparently challenging family.

[Ltl89]

I'm still figuring out coming out to friends, but once one person in town knows everyone will know.

That's true.  I'm just saying that what is placed online travels far and remains.  If you hope for stealth one day, that can make it more difficult.  Still, if you are open and don't care who knows, all the power to you.  I think that is admirable and wish I could have that form of inner strength.  Seriously, it takes a lot of guts to do that.  I'm still too chicken and scared to show my face, lol. 

By the way, I hope the shopping experience goes really well.  It's awesome that you have such a supportive sister.

[Sophia Hawke]

I live in a town with less than 50 year round residents. My femininity is very apparent to most everyone in town already.  My best friend calls me Connie.  There is absolutely zero way I could ever stealth.  Trying to ease people into my transformation.  Went out today and Bought some boy comfy boy shorts and cute socks Which I'll be wearing Full time now.  I'm really trying to clue some of my female friends in because I'm sure They would love to help me out.  I'm working hard with my sister And her gf to get myself presentable for a halloween party which is the first time I'm going to publicly present.  By that time some of my friends should know and/or have helped me get there.   If all goes well, I may start presenting full time in public,  which would make me so damn happy to do.

On a side note, my original post was more about the courage she gave me than anything else.