Coming out to my 11-year-old daughter

[Robin Mack]

So... last weekend my daughter, who was visiting, talked to me about the problems she's having fitting in at school.  Pretty normal stuff for a pre-teen.  I walked her through it, the best I could.  I told her about how I never really fit in at school, but finally made some friends and how much that helped.  I reminded her about how important it is to be yourself, that it's better to have a few people appreciate you for who you are than to have thousands of people like who you pretend to be.

Glib, semi helpful advice, and I was ashamed to give it.  I have finally accepted my transgender/transexual status and made great strides, but I wasn't being myself.  While it was me, and my heart, speaking to her in that moment, it was as a male parent who really has never existed.

So I told her, truthfully, that I found recently that I wasn't being myself, that I was still keeping parts of myself hidden, and that I was going to a new therapist to help me with that.

She got very quiet, then asked me what I was hiding about myself.

This probably would have been a great time to come clean, but I chickened out.  I hadn't even had my initial evaluation with a gender therapist yet... what if I was wrong?  What if I would merely confuse and hurt her deeply?

So, I had my appointment this week.  Any lingering half-doubts are settled, I am on the path to transition, and I'm going to do it.  I already find myself resenting, to a degree, my daughter's visits because, well, her being over means I need to present as the "male" I have always been.  Now I'm out of excuses, and I need to tell her.

I've read a *lot* on this forum and elsewhere about coming out to family members and children, so I'm not exactly going into this completely uninformed, but should I'm wrestling with whether there is any value in waiting until I talk to my therapist before I come out to my daughter.

My daughter has already been through the divorce between her mother and I, and she did very well and is very happy both her mom and I are happier since.  I've raised her and her step-sisters (thank goodness no boys, not sure how I could have taught them to be men!) to be very accepting of GLBT issues.  I've introduced my daughter to the concept of transgender before, so she has a working knowledge.  And I think she suspects, anyway, since she came back from visiting her grandma in Colorado with a pretty light-up pink wand for me and is always on me about giving me a makeover and doing my nails.

I'm asking for any advice anyone may have, from the child of a trans person or trans parents, or just someone with insight I may not have.

Thank you in advance! 

[Tatyana]

So... last weekend my daughter, who was visiting, talked to me about the problems she's having fitting in at school.  Pretty normal stuff for a pre-teen.  I walked her through it, the best I could.  I told her about how I never really fit in at school, but finally made some friends and how much that helped.  I reminded her about how important it is to be yourself, that it's better to have a few people appreciate you for who you are than to have thousands of people like who you pretend to be.

Glib, semi helpful advice, and I was ashamed to give it.  I have finally accepted my transgender/transexual status and made great strides, but I wasn't being myself.  While it was me, and my heart, speaking to her in that moment, it was as a male parent who really has never existed.

So I told her, truthfully, that I found recently that I wasn't being myself, that I was still keeping parts of myself hidden, and that I was going to a new therapist to help me with that.

She got very quiet, then asked me what I was hiding about myself.

This probably would have been a great time to come clean, but I chickened out.  I hadn't even had my initial evaluation with a gender therapist yet... what if I was wrong?  What if I would merely confuse and hurt her deeply?

So, I had my appointment this week.  Any lingering half-doubts are settled, I am on the path to transition, and I'm going to do it.  I already find myself resenting, to a degree, my daughter's visits because, well, her being over means I need to present as the "male" I have always been.  Now I'm out of excuses, and I need to tell her.

I've read a *lot* on this forum and elsewhere about coming out to family members and children, so I'm not exactly going into this completely uninformed, but should I'm wrestling with whether there is any value in waiting until I talk to my therapist before I come out to my daughter.

My daughter has already been through the divorce between her mother and I, and she did very well and is very happy both her mom and I are happier since.  I've raised her and her step-sisters (thank goodness no boys, not sure how I could have taught them to be men!) to be very accepting of GLBT issues.  I've introduced my daughter to the concept of transgender before, so she has a working knowledge.  And I think she suspects, anyway, since she came back from visiting her grandma in Colorado with a pretty light-up pink wand for me and is always on me about giving me a makeover and doing my nails.

I'm asking for any advice anyone may have, from the child of a trans person or trans parents, or just someone with insight I may not have.

Thank you in advance! 

I think you did the right thing.  I'd wait til she was 18.

[Alice Rogers]

The only piece of advice I would give as a trans parent is you MUST tell them before they figure it out for themselves. She will be hurt that you didn't trust her with it if she works it out on her own.

Kids are smart and FAR more tolerant of the different than adults.

Its up to you what you do, but if it were me I would tell her. I have an 11 yr old boy and a 9 yr old girl and they barely blinked when I told them. Now my little girl gleefully plaits my hair and paints nails with me while I play computer games with my son, I wouldn't have it any other way.

AND I dont have to hide everything before they come for the weekend now. The downside is my little girl keeps leaving the tops off my nail varnish!

[Ltl89]

Even though I am a transgirl, I am 24 and never had children; therefore, I can't give you any personal advice on this aspect.  However, as the child of two parents that I very much love, I may be able to tell you how I would feel.  In the event that one of my parents came out to me, it would be very challenging.  Still, I would only want the best for my parents and want them to be happy.  Looking back at my parents divorce, it was very hard change for me to endure.  To the this day, I still have some frustration with how things were handled and wished they could have turned out differently.  Yet, I also see that my parents are happier as people.  So, even if I have some selfish feelings on their split, I respect their decision and feel happy that they both moved on to a happier path.  I imagine my perspective would be very similar to a transitioning parents.  Sure, there would be the initial difficulties and longing for the past, but also a sense of acceptance that my parent is creating a happier life and being true to how they feel.  At the end of the day, I'd rather them follow through with what they want then focus on my conflicted feelings. 

Now, your daughter is much younger than I am.  I can't say where she stands on these things or how she will deal with it.  She could very well take things a much different way than I would.  All I know about her is that she got over your divorce and found peace in your happiness before.  That's a very mature perspective for someone young.  You should be proud (and I bet you are).  Since she has that mentality, in your opinion, what is the likeliness that she can come to accept your transition?  You are the best judge here.

The only piece of advice I would give as a trans parent is you MUST tell them before they figure it out for themselves. She will be hurt that you didn't trust her with it if she works it out on her own.

Kids are smart and FAR more tolerant of the different than adults.

Its up to you what you do, but if it were me I would tell her. I have an 11 yr old boy and a 9 yr old girl and they barely blinked when I told them. Now my little girl gleefully plaits my hair and paints nails with me while I play computer games with my son, I wouldn't have it any other way.

AND I dont have to hide everything before they come for the weekend now. The downside is my little girl keeps leaving the tops off my nail varnish!

I would also take the above post into consideration as well.  You have to find out what's best for your particular situation and respect the development of your child. But please also consider that it may be hard for a kid to accept that you kept something hidden for years.  I know this is what got my mother, and I'd feel the same if I found out later than sooner.  Still you know your child best and how they will handle the situation.  Do what you feel is best, just consider all angles and find the perfect one for you.

Good Luck!

[Robin Mack]

I think you did the right thing.  I'd wait til she was 18.

Thank you Tatyana; I did invite all viewpoints, but I can't do that, unfortunately.  I'm going to start HRT in January.  It may seem selfish of me not to wait, but things have gotten to the point where I *must* go forward with the transformation, or I fear I won't be around to transition later.  Not due to deliberate action, but possibly through not avoiding an accident, sort of thing.  I want to be around to be a grandma.

The only piece of advice I would give as a trans parent is you MUST tell them before they figure it out for themselves. She will be hurt that you didn't trust her with it if she works it out on her own.

Kids are smart and FAR more tolerant of the different than adults.

Bless you, Alex, that's my worry, too... I think she has enough pieces to begin working it out.  I think she will understand better that I waited to tell her after I made sure with a therapist.  My main concern is that she will be upset because here is yet another thing to make it harder for her to fit in, and because it is a major change in me/my life.  She nearly came unglued when I started shaving my head, but even she says she is surprised about what a big deal it was to her at first and how now she can't see me any other way.  So I guess there's precedent.

Even though I am a transgirl, I am 24 and never had children; therefore, I can't give you any personal advice on this aspect.  However, as the child of two parents that I very much love, I may be able to tell you how I would feel.  In the event that one of my parents came out to me, it would be very challenging.  Still, I would only want the best for my parents and want them to be happy.  Looking back at my parents divorce, it was very hard change for me to endure.  To the this day, I still have some frustration with how things were handled and wished they could have turned out differently.  Yet, I also see that my parents are happier as people.  So, even if I have some selfish feelings on their split, I respect their decision and feel happy that they both moved on to a happier path.  I imagine my perspective would be very similar to a transitioning parents.  Sure, there would be the initial difficulties and longing for the past, but also a sense of acceptance that my parent is creating a happier life and being true to how they feel.  At the end of the day, I'd rather them follow through with what they want then focus on my conflicted feelings. 

Now, your daughter is much younger than I am.  I can't say where she stands on these things or how she will deal with it.  She could very well take things a much different way than I would.  All I know about her is that she got over your divorce and found peace in your happiness before.  That's a very mature perspective for someone young.  You should be proud (and I bet you are).  Since she has that mentality, in your opinion, what is the likeliness that she can come to accept your transition?  You are the best judge here.

Thank you, learningtolive.  Your perspective is definitely appreciated.  I do think she will be accepting, but it is a lot to absorb.  I know I would have been very surprised if one of my parents had come out as trans, but I would have loved them anyway.  Here's hoping the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

[Gina Taylor]

Hey Robin,

I think that you're doing the right thing as well. I have a 8 year old niece that thinks the world of me. She's very intelligent for her age, and I've already shown her pictures of me dressed, so hopefully when I go full time it won't be much of a surprise. It'll be kind of nice to be called 'Aunt Gina.' 

[Ltl89]

It is a lot to absorb, and you have good reason to be concerned.  Have you taught her about the trans community in the past?  Does she know anything about them?  If so, how does she generally react?  That may give you some kind of a sign.  Then again, people can be very accepting of these things, except when they happen in their own family.

In any event, your daughter is very young, so I think you are doing the right thing by analyzing every aspect before proceeding.  I can't be much help in this regard, but I really was touched by the love for your daughter.  Hoping it goes very well for the both of you!

[Robin Mack]

It is a lot to absorb, and you have good reason to be concerned.  Have you taught her about the trans community in the past?  Does she know anything about them?  If so, how does she generally react?  That may give you some kind of a sign.  Then again, people can be very accepting of these things, except when they happen in their own family.

In any event, your daughter is very young, so I think you are doing the right thing by analyzing every aspect before proceeding.  I can't be much help in this regard, but I really was touched by the love for your daughter.  Hoping it goes very well for the both of you!

Her opinion, expressed to me, is that "people should be free to be who they are", but it may indeed be very different when it's in the family, particularly in the parent you've been closest to since birth.  She's quite sensitive to me, and understands that I'm naturally more emotional than most men.  (The thought of HRT making me *more* in touch with my emotions is kinda scary, I tear up during Hallmark commercials).  She already knows I'm a special kind of snowflake, but...

During the seperation and divorce (she was 7 when it started) I kept her in the loop, because she knew something was going on ("Why is mommy always yelling at you?" she would ask, "That's not fair, you don't yell at her").  It hurt, we both hurt.  A lot.  To this day I'll start to tear up when we discuss it and she will look at me and sternly say, "Don't you cry, daddy, because then I will start to cry, too."

So yeah, there is a *lot* of love there.  I just don't want her hurt.  I'm afraid by coming out I will hurt her, and by *not* coming out I will hurt her worse.

On the plus side, coming out to my mother will be very easy in comparison. 

[Darkie]

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman!

[Robin Mack]

Thank you... she is, and I'm awfully proud of her.  Not sure what I did to deserve such a loving daughter. 

[Megumi]

Seeing how she can tell something is up then I'd just come out and tell her. I can tell when my parents feel bad even when they put up a front. I can sense it and I bet your daughter can too. Just sit her down and tell her everything but reassure her that you are proud to have her as a daughter as even as accepting as kids can be it's still going to be a tough adjustment. Hugs

[Robin Mack]

Seeing how she can tell something is up then I'd just come out and tell her. I can tell when my parents feel bad even when they put up a front. I can sense it and I bet your daughter can too. Just sit her down and tell her everything but reassure her that you are proud to have her as a daughter as even as accepting as kids can be it's still going to be a tough adjustment. Hugs

Thank you.  *hug*

[kountrygurl]

I also have an 11 year old daughter and I came out to her almost a year ago now. She also showed signs of knowing something was up before I sat her down and had "The talk" with her. I would say the most important thing I made sure she understood was that no matter what I looked like on the outside I will always love her more than anything in this world and I will always be her "Daddy" and that I will always be there for her. She had some really good questions that were tough to answer but we got through it. Now she is probably my biggest supporter. She can see how much happier I am since I started my transition. She has been with me when I was coming out to the rest of our family and has her own way of explaining things that seems to make people understand things and a little more accepting. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Robimack ! My kids are 15 and 16. It was a big shock for both of they because of my career as a paramedic/firefighter. They were stunned and then the daughter left to live with her mom. She is not tolerant of LGBT issues or people at all. She was raised to be a good southern Baptist and thinks I am an abomination. My son 15 did not know what to think, but stayed with me. Well, he is catching a lot of comments and abuse at school and now wants to go live with his mom as well. Our divorce should be finalized soon and so I have officially lost all of my immediate family. I am surprisingly calm though because now I can do what I need to without anything holding me down. Isn't it terrible that gender dysphoria costs us so much? I would say be honest, if I had not been things might have gotten even uglier. This is just my opinion with my situation. Anyway, I am here for you any time.

[Alice Rogers]

Hi Robimack ! My kids are 15 and 16. It was a big shock for both of they because of my career as a paramedic/firefighter. They were stunned and then the daughter left to live with her mom. She is not tolerant of LGBT issues or people at all. She was raised to be a good southern Baptist and thinks I am an abomination. My son 15 did not know what to think, but stayed with me. Well, he is catching a lot of comments and abuse at school and now wants to go live with his mom as well. Our divorce should be finalized soon and so I have officially lost all of my immediate family. I am surprisingly calm though because now I can do what I need to without anything holding me down. Isn't it terrible that gender dysphoria costs us so much? I would say be honest, if I had not been things might have gotten even uglier. This is just my opinion with my situation. Anyway, I am here for you any time.

It seems to me that your dysphoria was not responsible for your current losses, the belief system of your kids and their life experiences up to this point have cast them on this path, as they grow as individuals and human beings you will see them again, or at least I hope so.

*hugs*

[suzifrommd]

I'm asking for any advice anyone may have, from the child of a trans person or trans parents, or just someone with insight I may not have.

Thank you in advance! 

Don't know how much this will help. My experience with my daughter (15 when I came out) was that she needed to take things at her own pace. What worked for us was:

1. Never lie or hide anything from her. Tell her as much of the truth as she wants to hear.
2. Be there to answer questions whenever she needs.
3. You can't protect her from the consequences of your transition. Don't try. You CAN make sure she has the support to deal with them.
4. Make sure she knows you love her and are there for her.
5. Don't change your parenting style because of this. Your daughter still needs someone who will listen and understand but also someone who will lay down the law occasionally.

I asked my daughter (now 16) your question. She suggested I add that you should expect some rocky times, and that just because she seems ok with something doesn't mean she is. You can keep the lines of communication open, but realize she might not be ready to talk about something.

[barbie]

Love is the most important, whatever I am. Fortunately, I already was crossdressing when my little daughter was born.

She is now in elementary school, and visited my university with her classmates and teachers a few weeks ago. She is so much proud of me, and already asked me to come by. I guessed she wanted to show me to her mates. I exchanged greetings with the teacher, and one of her classmates shouted "her dad looks like a woman". My daughter chatted and smiled with her mates. A few days later at home, she told me that her classmates talked about me, and they thought I am a kind of woman. I asked her whether they teased her, but she just smiled.

My wife has been so much supportive of me, and my sons and daughter just follow it. As I tend to be very masculine and strict when educating my two sons who are in middle and high school, they know very well that I am far different from their mother. Despite my looking feminine, I am anyway their dad.

barbie~~

[Robin Mack]

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful words of advice and guidance.

I have always striven to be honest and open with my daughter (at least as much as possible/prudent... I don't let her know if I'm behind on the mortgage, for example, because she is eleven and doesn't need grownup worries), so I made the decision to come out to her this weekend.  Having just confirmed with my therapist this week, I could honestly tell her that I was letting her know as soon as I had some face time with her and I was certain.

My girlfriend and I (who my daughter adores) picked her up at about 7:00 on Friday evening.  The plan was that she would spend the entire weekend with us, and I figured that if she had questions or worries it would be better to have her ask them while she was with me.  So, we took her to a pizza place and chose a quiet booth.

It took a bit to get through her amazing monologue of the things she had done the week previously, between basketball, writing some new songs, boys maybe "liking" her, and various other topics, she had a lot to say before I could get a word in edgewise.  The anticipation was pretty insane, but I think I managed to be reasonably attentive.  Finally the moment came.

(Below is what I remember, not word for word, but as close as I can get... I was a little overwhelmed at the time.  Probably should have recorded it.)

"I have some exciting news", I said.  "It may be a little weird to hear at first, but I want you to listen for a bit."

"Ok, what's up?" she said brightly.

"Well, I want to start off by telling you that I will always be your Daddy.  No matter what happens with my appearance, that will never change.  I love you, and I always will." 

A panicked look crossed her face.  "Dad, you're scaring me.  What's happening?"  *sigh*  It sounded so much more reassuring in my head.

"It's nothing bad, sweetheart..." I had to re-factor the discussion in my head, juggling the important point to the front.  "You know how I've always been, well, more feminine than your mom?"  She nodded.  "It's well, because I'm transgendered.  All my life, I've felt like a girl.  I wanted to do girl things.  I've never been comfortable being a boy.  But I've always told myself that I had to be.  I've been too afraid of hurting other people to think that I had a right to be happy with myself."

"I've been telling you that your own happiness is important, that you should stand up for yourself and be heard, even if it seems like people won't like you because of it.  That's important.  But, sweetheart, I haven't been doing that for myself, because I couldn't let myself admit that I'm in the wrong body.  I've been through a lot of therapy and finally I'm strong enough to realize this about myself.  I confirmed it on Monday with a special kind of therapist who helps people deal with this kind of thing."

"So... here's the weird part:  I'm going to start what they call transitioning, becoming on the outside what I am on the inside."

"Daddy," she said, "I want you to do whatever you need to do to be happy.  Your happiness is important too."  Her eyes lit up.  "And it *is* exciting."

At this point I really don't remember much of anything except hugging her and crying.  Over the next couple of days we went through a lot of questions and answers, and went shopping together (The real me, my daughter, my girlfriend, and her daughter plus her daughter's girlfriend... a real girls' day out!).  The only confusion that day happened at a fabric store.  As the saleslady was cutting fabric for us, my daughter was as chatty as ever, calling me daddy (which caused the saleslady to look a bit confused as she overheard it), then she said something like, "And my daddy is going to be so beautiful in his new dress.  I mean *her* new dress."   I'll hand it to the saleslady, she didn't miss a beat.  My poor daughter was mortified that she'd used the wrong pronoun at first.

I told her it's *fine*, I've been her daddy and seemed male all her life, I certainly didn't expect her to change everything overnight, and I would be ok if she never changed pronouns.  I told her the fact that she loves me is more than enough for me, way more important than what words she uses.

After that, though, she asked if it would be ok to call me "Robin" in public, so it wouldn't be so confusing for people.  I said sure, as long as she knows I am still, and will always be her dad.

Anyway, that's the novella.  Again, thank you all for your help!  I'm sure you'll see bits and pieces of your suggestions sprinkled throughout.  I humbly thank you from the bottom of my overfull heart.  And I hope that this helps someone out there like I was.  Now to come out to my mother...

Love and joy to all! 

[Darkie]

Oh my goodness Robin, your daughter sounds adorable! You are so lucky to have such a sweet little girl in your life.  And the girls day out sounds fun! Bet you all had a blast! *hugs* I had been thinking about you, wondering how it went so I'm glad it went well!

[Ltl89]

I teared up a bit reading this.  Congrats Robin, this is really really awesome news!