My wife just outed me ... to our daughters

[KabitTarah]

Just know that No one has a right to share personal information without consent and even more so after an agreement was made.I must be very honest with you and tell you that it is simply emotional abuse and nothing more.Regardless of ones feelings,frustrations or the like,abusing another is NOT from the heart.If you have further questions about emotional abuse then please look up *Signs of emotional abuse* and read the psychcentral web page.After doing so,PLEASE do whats best for you.Yes its true that most likely,this will test your childrens true unconditional love for you but aside from this,i have personally lived with such actions and such things,and even lost 2 kids but to different reasons.I wish you strength and confidence in yourself and no matter the outcome,i wish you a happy life!

When things are new and fresh to our SOs or parents (up to the first year) they are going through the grief process. It's not a short process, but at some point they do have to learn to live through it, which means living with us. Up until that point some emotional abuse toward us is guaranteed (unless they're simply amazing individuals).

My wife did it. I dealt with it on my own, accused her of it in frustration, and eventually we fixed the problem (at least it appears so) partly with the help of her therapist during a couples session. I frankly don't know how things got better so much more quickly, based on her silence during the session, but maybe it was enough for her to hear my frank arguments and complaints with a third party in the room.

My parents have done it. This has been less frequent, more vicious, and with more of an out of control spiral. I recently wrote them a three page letter that probably went too far (I'm a good writer, but I don't always write to the correct audience). Still, maybe it was something they needed to hear. I talked about my deep history, what my plans are for transition, and how they and others have wronged me since coming out (the "emotional abuse" section). By the definitions, I probably could be considered the abuser with that letter - though it was filled with nothing but difficult truths. In reaction to it, the last time I talked to my mother was very helpful, painful but cathartic for both of us. Throughout the last few months my father has been a big, silent question mark. I have plans with them and my kids today, so I may find out more about how well they're taking my letter.

Emotional abuse is just not that easy an answer. In my opinion, emotional abuse is something that's non-reactionary, lasts a long period of time (many months to years), and is designed (consciously or subconsciously) to cause emotional reaction for personal gain or pleasure. Short term abuse due to the grieving process and a reaction to very emotionally charged information is not the same thing. That doesn't make it good or right, but it's something that can be addressed in a very different way than emotionally abusive relationships.

I know Carlita has been out for a while, but if the issue was never appropriately addressed or since her gender change is beginning to move forward, I think it follows the same sort of path that coming out for the first time would follow.

[Chaos]

When things are new and fresh to our SOs or parents (up to the first year) they are going through the grief process. It's not a short process, but at some point they do have to learn to live through it, which means living with us. Up until that point some emotional abuse toward us is guaranteed (unless they're simply amazing individuals).

My wife did it. I dealt with it on my own, accused her of it in frustration, and eventually we fixed the problem (at least it appears so) partly with the help of her therapist during a couples session. I frankly don't know how things got better so much more quickly, based on her silence during the session, but maybe it was enough for her to hear my frank arguments and complaints with a third party in the room.

My parents have done it. This has been less frequent, more vicious, and with more of an out of control spiral. I recently wrote them a three page letter that probably went too far (I'm a good writer, but I don't always write to the correct audience). Still, maybe it was something they needed to hear. I talked about my deep history, what my plans are for transition, and how they and others have wronged me since coming out (the "emotional abuse" section). By the definitions, I probably could be considered the abuser with that letter - though it was filled with nothing but difficult truths. In reaction to it, the last time I talked to my mother was very helpful, painful but cathartic for both of us. Throughout the last few months my father has been a big, silent question mark. I have plans with them and my kids today, so I may find out more about how well they're taking my letter.

Emotional abuse is just not that easy an answer. In my opinion, emotional abuse is something that's non-reactionary, lasts a long period of time (many months to years), and is designed (consciously or subconsciously) to cause emotional reaction for personal gain or pleasure. Short term abuse due to the grieving process and a reaction to very emotionally charged information is not the same thing. That doesn't make it good or right, but it's something that can be addressed in a very different way than emotionally abusive relationships.

I know Carlita has been out for a while, but if the issue was never appropriately addressed or since her gender change is beginning to move forward, I think it follows the same sort of path that coming out for the first time would follow.

Regardless,it was posted from a personal point of view and in no way required anyone to look at or follow.It was personal advice and encouragement to the OP.And emotional abuse is not always for personal gain or pleasure.As to say,they are purposly seeking to do harm for their own amusement.Its true that many do use it for that purpose but it is also used by those who do not realize they are doing it.It can become a chain and by people who have lived it most of their lives and know nothing else but just that (aka being abusive because they have dealt with it all their life from someone else).No matter which one a person falls under (knowing or unknowing),the site is true on its facts.This is why i suggested to do whats right for the OP.Because regardless,these are things that many suffer and some do not even realize it.It doesnt always make the abuser bad but also unknowing.Education and help is a huge key and when offering help,if its accepted or refused,is also a huge key.But if one realizes that it IS being done on purpose then i suggest a fast exit and allow healing,seek help.Otherwise,many things can be done to try and shift an unknowing persons mind set and help them realize.My post was supportive in all sense of the word.I lost my kids due to emotional abuse and torment.No other reason.One was turned against me by hate speech,lies and whatever worked to turn them against me (this was after he came of age.He was taken physically from my arms for no reason) and the other,was taken while i was being taken advantage of mentally (aka due to my birth defect,they used said in order to hide details in paper work) and both people had then tormented me for years about how i was a *bad parent* and it took me many years to finally realize that I am not a bad parent but one who suffered abuse.

[KabitTarah]

Regardless,it was posted from a personal point of view and in no way required anyone to look at or follow.It was personal advice and encouragement to the OP.And emotional abuse is not always for personal gain or pleasure.As to say,they are purposly seeking to do harm for their own amusement.Its true that many do use it for that purpose but it is also used by those who do not realize they are doing it.It can become a chain and by people who have lived it most of their lives and know nothing else but just that (aka being abusive because they have dealt with it all their life from someone else).No matter which one a person falls under (knowing or unknowing),the site is true on its facts.This is why i suggested to do whats right for the OP.Because regardless,these are things that many suffer and some do not even realize it.It doesnt always make the abuser bad but also unknowing.Education and help is a huge key and when offering help,if its accepted or refused,is also a huge key.But if one realizes that it IS being done on purpose then i suggest a fast exit and allow healing,seek help.Otherwise,many things can be done to try and shift an unknowing persons mind set and help them realize.My post was supportive in all sense of the word.I lost my kids due to emotional abuse and torment.No other reason.One was turned against me by hate speech,lies and whatever worked to turn them against me and the other,was taken while i was being taken advantage of mentally (aka due to my birth defect,they used said in order to hide details in paper work) and both people had then tormented me for years about how i was a *bad parent* and it took me many years to finally realize that I am not a bad parent but one who suffered abuse.

I wasn't criticizing you nor do I entirely disagree with your advice. Just that it's usually more complicated when coming out, versus when in a steady state. I agree that it needs to be nipped in the bud. I do not agree that it should be treated in the same way as an emotionally abusive relationship. Yes, Carlita should do what's best for her and her family.

As I said, I feel as though I was emotionally abused after coming out. I don't think there are many who aren't emotionally abused during that stage - especially if they're married. At the same time, there is a process of grief that comes first and Carlita's wife may be just entering that, since Carlita is starting to transition now (as it sounds, after waiting some time back in her old male role). It is not fair to hold those people we love, who are in the beginning stages of grief over us, to the same standards as a long standing relationship where one spouse is abusing the other over long periods of time.

Nearly every relationship has periods of subconscious emotional abuse or perceived emotional abuse that don't last a long time. To reach an amicable resolution, the emotional abuse must be discussed, stopped, and normal life resumed. These are the "fights" of a normal relationship. If everyone were reasonable at all times and never expected more of someone than they were willing to give, these fights wouldn't happen.

Coming out is just a really, really big fight in a spousal relationship. Those families who cannot end it quickly (they have kids, for example) will have these problems to work out.

I realize you didn't give any particular advice on how to prevent or stop the abuse, but at the same time you appear to give that digital wag of the finger when the situation sounds more complex than that.

[Chaos]

I wasn't criticizing you nor do I entirely disagree with your advice. Just that it's usually more complicated when coming out, versus when in a steady state. I agree that it needs to be nipped in the bud. I do not agree that it should be treated in the same way as an emotionally abusive relationship. Yes, Carlita should do what's best for her and her family.

As I said, I feel as though I was emotionally abused after coming out. I don't think there are many who aren't emotionally abused during that stage - especially if they're married. At the same time, there is a process of grief that comes first and Carlita's wife may be just entering that, since Carlita is starting to transition now (as it sounds, after waiting some time back in her old male role). It is not fair to hold those people we love, who are in the beginning stages of grief over us, to the same standards as a long standing relationship where one spouse is abusing the other over long periods of time.

Nearly every relationship has periods of subconscious emotional abuse or perceived emotional abuse that don't last a long time. To reach an amicable resolution, the emotional abuse must be discussed, stopped, and normal life resumed. These are the "fights" of a normal relationship. If everyone were reasonable at all times and never expected more of someone than they were willing to give, these fights wouldn't happen.

Coming out is just a really, really big fight in a spousal relationship. Those families who cannot end it quickly (they have kids, for example) will have these problems to work out.

I realize you didn't give any particular advice on how to prevent or stop the abuse, but at the same time you appear to give that digital wag of the finger when the situation sounds more complex than that.

Then forgive me..I had no one to help during mine and had no choice but to find inner strength.When i came out to my ex bf,he didnt care one way or the other and thus,no fight or fuss.He didnt even act confused or distressed but then again,there was never any emotional connection there.I never assumed you were criticizing me.its just a habit of mine to explain my intentions and self.Again,Forgive my post.I never intended to wag a finger or anything else.

[KabitTarah]

Then forgive me..I had no one to help during mine and had no choice but to find inner strength.When i came out to my ex bf,he didnt care one way or the other and thus,no fight or fuss.He didnt even act confused or distressed but then again,there was never any emotional connection there.I never assumed you were criticizing me.its just a habit of mine to explain my intentions and self.Again,Forgive my post.I never intended to wag a finger or anything else.

It's no problem! I think emotional abuse is a big problem for us in general. It was good to bring up...

I'm sorry I sounded critical - I tend to sound that way sometimes, but I don't mean it in that way. I'm just outspoken a lot of times (and becoming more so as I go on).

[Carlita]

As I said, I feel as though I was emotionally abused after coming out. I don't think there are many who aren't emotionally abused during that stage - especially if they're married. At the same time, there is a process of grief that comes first and Carlita's wife may be just entering that, since Carlita is starting to transition now (as it sounds, after waiting some time back in her old male role). It is not fair to hold those people we love, who are in the beginning stages of grief over us, to the same standards as a long standing relationship where one spouse is abusing the other over long periods of time.

This is so true. My wife is not an abusive person. She's a loving person who is having to come to terms with something totally out of the ordinary - as she says, it would have been so much easier if I'd just told her I was gay! She's frightened about the future for herself, her children and for me (because she simply cannot imagine me passing successfully as a woman). She's wondering if the past 30 years together have been a sham. She can't see any positive future for herself in any of this. She's desperately trying to find a way to prevent me transitioning, because she wants to keep her man - even though she accepts that 'he' isn't really around any more. And every so often it gets too much for her and she lashes out, or she does something inappropriate. That really hurts sometimes. But even in my darkest moments, I never look on it as abuse - in the sense of a conscious attempt to harm or intimidate or diminish another person ... and that's not because I'm a classic victim making excuses for an abuser. It's because it really isn't abuse. It's just pain ... and we're both trying very hard to take as much of that away as we can.