I was honored to be given a chance to give a speech about being a transsexual woman last night. I got a really great response from it and thought I might share.
What makes me a happy transsexual woman?
I want to welcome everyone tonight. Thank you for coming.... Tonight you are being given two positive perspectives on two very different lives of trans-women. I want to talk to you tonight about what makes me a happy transsexual woman. Tonight I will be discussing the journey I have made and the experiences and decisions that I have made to make my life more fulfilling and liveable through what could be considered a very difficult time. Transition as you are are aware of ,or may soon be aware of can be very difficult and stressful. There are many pitfalls along the way that you will have to navigate. I'm hoping I can help in some way.
Self Acceptance
I have asked myself a question about everyday for the last two years... (What is it that will make me happy transsexual woman?) I think that this is a question that most of us should be asking ourselves for maybe for the rest of our lives. I don't mean to suggest that we are by our very nature un-happy or will forever remain un-happy for being transsexual. NO, What I'm saying is that we will forever be transsexuals, not unhappy. Being trans should not be something that will prescribe a life of anguish.
I'm aware that some of you will take a bit of concern with that last statement. I understand that the goal of most trans-women is to assimilate into society as a female and be the woman they have always wanted to be. I also know that understanding who we are as transsexual women is a life long endeavor. This is something someone doesn't just forget or get past. It's a part of who we are and who we will always be. This should be both empowering and liberating for us. My intention by that statement is to suggest that you should own your own self acceptance and it should also be included in your goals of being happy. Kinda like someone getting past or conquering an illness or cancer. You are a survivor!!! You are surviving a life that is met with it's own set of challenges.
I have come to the understanding that I'm just a different variation of woman. Just like there are women with red hair and freckles, some skinny women, some tall women. I'm aware of who I am and where I come from. I'm comfortable about the fact that I'm trans. I will always see myself as a woman, but born as a male sex. A woman no different than those born female sexed. It's not that I will for the rest of my life go around telling everyone "hey everyone!! I'm transsexual..." It's not that at all. I'm saying that I just took a different path to be who I am. I wasn't given a path that most women are given and I have made the decisions to accept this.
I had a different discussion planned for tonight, but some events came up the last couple of weeks that I feel some of us can benefit from. I think this topic can transcend both "trans" genders. I know I was supposed to speak about being a trans-woman. So I'm gonna lead this more to a woman's perspective, but this is a topic that most of us can relate to.
I have these two friends both had their GRS done a couple of weeks ago. It is a vary special time and I couldn't be happier for them. These are two people that are very close and special in my life. I'm so proud that they have finally achieved this goal. What I want to discuss tonight is how a woman should conduct herself in this situation. Yes, I have to admit it was a bit hard for me to see them achieve this and not me. Some feelings of jealousy and frustration briefly filled my head. I'm only human... This is something I too am aspiring to achieve. I also know that I had to get past these feelings because this is a time that I needed to be positive and supportive for my friends. So I was able to come to terms with knowing that what's between my legs doesn't define me as a woman. This is something that everyone should celebrate!!! This is a life changing event like no other.
Well, One of my friendships is at the braking point tonight. The other is suffering indirectly because of this association. There comes a time when we are able to see people for who they really are. It's these times that we choose to define ourselves. Do we let these friendships dissolve or do we engage in a more destructive behavior? Sometimes friendships become a hindrance to our own self worth and dignity and we allow this to affect us in a negative way. When someone feels that their own self worth is only justified by making those around them feel inferior then this is a true refection of what type of woman they are. There is no amount of surgery that can change this. So it's always up to you to choose to be the woman you are. You make decisions that define you, your self worth and happiness. When someone jeopardizes you own acceptance then it's you that has to choose the correct response. I have to admit I was mulling over a few doozies... Then I realized that this is not the woman I am. I'm a loving caring friend and I will always respect myself for my friendships.
Making a choice to separate someone from your life can be a positive and up lifting thing. I know everyone here has had to make the decision to eliminate someone from your life. It's a sad fact that most every trans person has had to deal with. It doesn't mean that this has to be met with indignity and drama. It's very empowering to be able to challenge yourself to be a better woman in these times of stress. To be able to control how and what defines you. That it is you as a woman that people will see you as. It's something that will transcend your gender. I will be the first to admit that I'm not in anyway perfect! Yeah yeah!!! know I'm shattering y'alls image of me. It just goes to show you no matter what and how you change your body. It's you as a person that people see you as. You are who defines you, not your genitals. Nothing else is more important than how you are seen by your peers.
These incidents that incurred the last couple of weeks could have easily pushed me to the point of being negative and a bitter person. But seeing that I am the creator of my own happiness tells me that I will be the one to dictate my life and my life's goals. Everyone of us has our own path to follow. I have also noticed that my friendships have suffered some because of the this persons negative impact. So this is met with the understanding of who is really important and should occupy my time and thoughts. Being a positive and mature woman is so much more rewarding than any surgery.
Be Patient Things will Happen
Expectations
Ok this part is for all of you still at the beginning of your transition. (The Newbe's.) I can remember my first thoughts when I first came out and began to transition. I remember telling myself that I was going to lose a bunch of weight and exercise everyday and have this totally awesome figure bla bla bla!!! I had lots of great ideas about how I would transition. I had so many plans and thoughts of how it might go. I dreamed about this for such a long time and I was so excited that this was actually happening. This lead me to constructing unrealistic expectations for myself. I would like to share some advise with you... STOP! So much of your transition is out of your control it's not even funny. Making attempts to control it or getting upset about things that are not going to your expectations is dangerous or destructive.
Lets first beginning with your body image. This is a fun topic for me. As most of you know I tend to spend my mornings working out. I prefer to run and I'm getting pretty good at it. I can tell you I never used to be this way. It has only been over the last year year and a half that I have started taking an interest. I know I want to exercise for some different reasons. I want to try to keep my body in great physical condition. Also running helps keep my anxiety at bay. I have noticed that transition at time can put a lot of stress on a person. So, sometimes it's nice to just be able to clear your head and go for a run. I have noticed that my energy level has dropped significantly. Most likely due to the hormone changes in my body. Sometimes working out can actually help maintain or in some cases increase your energy levels.
Well this ideal image of what I was going to transition into soon began to shatter. Unfortunately it's never gonna happen for me. In the beginning I set this expectation on myself and I began to achieve my goals. Soon, as Months and Months went by and I worked and worked and my goals began to get further and further away. Instead of changing into this twenty year old woman with a great body that I set my expectations towards. I began to physically change into a middle aged woman that I really was. So I began to realize that my expectations are never gonna happen the way I planned them. It started making me depressed and angry. Even to this day I still get little frustrated. The thing is, I set this unreachable goal for myself. This goal was based on what I could do with my body under different circumstances. Those circumstances were not having different hormones running through my body and not taking my age into consideration. The change in body chemistry will not make some these goals attainable. So it is important to just focus on keeping yourself healthy. Let your body do what it needs to do. Know and understand your limitations. More importantly love who you are and what you are becoming.
As far as your physical development goes. Everyone is different. It's basically a genetic lottery. I hear some people claim it's based on your mother and your sister or other females in your family. While I tend to agree somewhat. This is not certain fact. You are what you are. I will however suggest that anyone that is planning on having any surgical intervention. The golden rule is to wait at least two years after starting hormones. Your body needs time to develop. It's also understood that the older you are the longer it takes. Be patient!!!
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Who Says you can't have it all?
I tend to counseled some of my friends. That usually happens when you are the older wiser one. I like helping them navigate through the pitfalls of their transition. Sometimes I feel that my age and some of my life experiences have allowed me some other insight. Not to mention being a parent helps too. I see many of the single girl friends wanting a perfect relationship with a perfect partner. Someone that will love them as they are and give them a family to love. Sometimes this can become overwhelming to the point of adding to their dysphoria. I can say that I have not experienced this first hand, but I have been in a similar situation. I have been at that point in my life before transition. The lessons that I have learned can and will transcend to a woman in transition.
The first thing I would tell you if you know me is "Take care of yourself first!". This means that you should focus on you and getting your ->-bleeped-<- in order first and foremost. If someone is out there for you then they are not going to even notice you if you are a complete lunatic and your life is in shambles. If you get your self in order and deal with your transition, your job, your education, well your life. These are the things that are going to make you a strong confident woman. When this happens you will be amazed at who is attracted to you. This is the very best advise I can give anybody trying to finding a meaningful relationship. Because what you will be attracting if you don't have it together, is something that you well never want or something that will never last.
For those of you that are transitioning with a partner. Hey! Welcome... I'm one of those people. My best advise is communication. Know how and when to turn it on and turn it off. So many of us during transition get so tunnel visioned. This occupies every waking moment of our life. You need to know how to step away and focus on your partners needs. They are going through this with you and sometimes they need to just not hear it. Or they need your support dealing with something that they didn't really ask for in this relationship, but are still hanging in there being a supportive partner. So take care of them! I have learned that when my wife gets home from work. Yeah, maybe this isn't the best time to go and start discussing ->-bleeped-<- that's going to upset her or might overwhelm her. There is also a balance to the information that they are able to accept at the moment. For instance When I first began this journey I could have easily overwhelmed my wife with everything thats going on. Instead I realized that when she got that dear in headlights look. Well maybe it was able to give her only what she was able to take at that moment. Then let her ask questions and give her the information that she needs. Don't overwhelm her.
For those of you who are still looking for your special partner. It's easy to buy into the fact that some people feel that transgender people will never be able to find a loving partner... That's bull->-bleeped-<-! I'm living proof that it can happen. Look around you can see that isn't true. Everyone is capable of finding love. You just have to be patient, it will come. Try to keep a positive attitude about it.
Dreams do come true. Things always happen for a reason. Finding the good in things... That's the real challenge. I used to feel that I should have transitioned earlier in life. Yet if this happened I would not have my family. From a young child I always thought and dreamed of being a housewife. I was told and I always felt that this would never happen to me. If I would have transitioned earlier in life this never happened.
I just want to say one last thing in closing. This isn't something that is supposed to be easy. There are lots of ways that we can get into trouble. Having a great group and supportive friends are very important. This is our only life. We need to make it the best we can. I would like to share something that my mother told me early on. She told me "If God didn't feel you could handle this, Then he wouldn't have made you this way.". Now I wouldn't consider myself a religious person, but it's kinda nice to feel that you can find the strength to do this and to be happy.
Something else I would like to share is. No matter how big or small, to take steps every day is progress.
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Author: Reagan Stewart
