Can't handle the contradiction any more

[Lesley_Roberta]

I am deleting the stash, all of it without regard to how much I'm going to regret doing it.

By stash, I mean cliche adult media, you know, what I look at while getting off.

When I get horny, I look at the stuff and get off. I haven't been able to reconcile the action though with my perception of who I am, with what I am doing.

I'm a woman, and I don't care if lesbians the world over enjoy getting into a strap on and pretending to screw their partner with a pretend penis. Mine isn't fake. It's still there after I am finished. I can't take it off.

When I'm getting off, it feels too manish for lack of a better term. It feels too much like a man doing a woman. The pretense is missing, it feels too genuine. And frankly it's actually offending me.

I'd rather go without, and suffer the misery of having nothing at all, than experience the act as if a man.

I'm not saying I yearn to be able to spread my legs and get done like a woman, but that isn't really relevant to the current circumstances.

I hate being male. I hate doing it like a male. I hate the mental imagery. I like women, and I am not interested in even knowing why I do. I just don't want to do a woman, as a man.

I'm so tired of this side of me. I don't know how long I will be waiting on HRT and what it will do for me. I know I have heard many say it diminishes the male parts ability to perform. Frankly I need to start getting practice at not being able to function in the first place if that is the case. I know of a local friend of mine, he suffers from a medical complaint that has left him short on testosterone. He said his gear has shrunken to less than what a 4 year old has to work with. I wouldn't mind mine having that small a footprint in my life right now.

I wake and I might waste a good hour fiddling. I might waste another hour in the day accumulated in much the same. That's 2 hours every day I want to use on something more useful.

I'm so sick of being held prisoner by this portion of my anatomy.

[vlmitchell]

Are you on HRT?

[Lesley_Roberta]

Not yet. I am all signed up, and all ready to do the discussions and the chats the 'are you sure about this' meetings or whatever it is that happens when a person gets referred to the CAMH in Toronto.

I don't know how long it will take for my number to be called. I am told waiting list is like 16 months (grrrrrrrrrreat wish they meant weeks) for the first meeting. So in other words, I can basically forget seeing any progress for 2014. Yippee friggin hurrah, an entire year where I can assume nothing will be happening.

But when I consider if I was not Canadian and in Ontario, I could basically forget even needing to think about transition on my income. It would never happen (the surgery that is).

The only real thought that helps, is it will take me likely all of 2014 just to master the problem of a new wardrobe and to learn how to adjust my appearance. I suppose going to my first meeting in the right clothing might be better than if I were to go there today.

Amazing how an ability to reason something out logical and all, is NO comfort whatsoever on those days when the wait is getting us down.

Anyway, I just deleted 15 gigs of unacceptable from the computer and rendered any storage media destroyed.
Didn't think I actually had that much nerve to be honest.

I give it a week, and either I have succeeded, or my fail will be epic. Well it will be hard to fall off the wagon, as I have pushed the wagon over a cliff 🙂 (not sure that analogy really conveys the message though). I can't return across a bridge I just dynamited.

[vlmitchell]

I found that ridding myself of that kind of thing was a good deal easier once I was on HRT, was the reason for the question. Testosterone activates the, for lack of a better term 'T&A' response. You see things, it triggers your sex drive. I like boys and girls so before, I'd stare at boobs, like pron, etc. I still enjoy a little of it with my partners from time to time but, overall, it doesn't do much for me. Certainly not like it did before.

Don't hate yourself if you go back to the well, so to speak, before HRT. After that, give it about six months (OF TAKING YOUR DAMNED MEDS) and you won't have that uncomfortable reaction anymore. It. Is. A. Godsend.

For the meantime, it's what you've got so don't deny it. That just makes things harder.

[Paige]

I am all signed up, and all ready to do the discussions and the chats the 'are you sure about this' meetings or whatever it is that happens when a person gets referred to the CAMH in Toronto.

I don't know how long it will take for my number to be called. I am told waiting list is like 16 months (grrrrrrrrrreat wish they meant weeks) for the first meeting. So in other words, I can basically forget seeing any progress for 2014. Yippee friggin hurrah, an entire year where I can assume nothing will be happening.

It seems to me that you might look at finding another professional in the Toronto area to get you started on HRT unless CAMH has rules specifically ruling that out.

[sam79]

After that, give it about six months (OF TAKING YOUR DAMNED MEDS) and you won't have that uncomfortable reaction anymore. It. Is. A. Godsend.

You can say that again!!! 

[Jamiep]

@Change, Lesley doesn't live in Toronto area, which you would have to do to qualify for the Sherbourne Health Center, by living in their defined boarder area. I go to the East Mississauga Health Center, but again you have to live within a defined local area. Unless Lesley can find a gp that would take on prescribing hormones.

@Lesley, March 2012 when inquiring with staff about the Sherbourne Health Center, I recall the person I spoke to asked if I knew any gender friendly doctors or if my gp would be interested in taking on learning hrt for trans people in my area of Mississauga. I got the impression SHC is trying to work with doctors in outlying areas to serve people in communities outside of Toronto. I didn't  know any, nor is my gp conversant. I did email to my gp the url link to SHC website with the protocols & any doctor can call them for info. Lesley, perhaps you could suggest this to your gp. My gp felt uncertain that she would be able to prescribe the dosages properly, so I gave up on that option. My gp sent me to an endo to assess if I am trans & he said I qualified to be sent to CAMH (I would not go there for personal reasons). That would be if you primarily want to have SRS if you can't afford to pay for the surgery. I just wanted hrt, so actually I think the endo could have prescribed for me as he has trans patients. That would eliminate my gp not wanting to take that part on. 

There was an article in last weekends Toronto Star on transgender & referred to CAMH which did mention a 16 month wait list, so you are correct Lesley.

Just some thoughts.
Hang in there & good luck.
Jamie

[Sammy]

No, not even that long... I can partially relate, because I often felt like that damn thing was killing me. Funnily, but unlike in Your case I kind of enjoyed the process, but I hated to be enslaved to it and doing it on a regular basis just because it demanded me so. About 2-3 months in the HRT and I realised that I am free at last - I can still do that if I would wish, but now it is like I mostly dont want it anymore and even if I want something, it is something else now, more emotional, romantic and such as .

[Paige]

@Change, Lesley doesn't live in Toronto area, which you would have to do to qualify for the Sherbourne Health Center, by living in their defined boarder area. I go to the East Mississauga Health Center, but again you have to live within a defined local area. Unless Lesley can find a gp that would take on prescribing hormones.

Thanks Jamie, I had an idea it was bad but I didn't know it was this bad in the GTA.  I wonder how many are self-medicating because of this.  It's really a shame that GPs are so fearful of prescribing hormones.  But have no problem prescribing things like Percocet.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Thanks for the advice. I think I will pursue asking my GP if he can get me active with something in the realm of HRT, because I am not in a hurry to wait a year or 2 for HRT. I can stand in line and wait my turn to go under the knife, but, I am not interested in waiting to dull the head ache

I will see if he can connect with skilled contacts if he feels a need to go that route.

[Megumi]

It's kind of funny to me but ever since I started living at home as myself a few months back I haven't had the urge to look at that stuff let alone well you know...erm 

Good luck at the GP's Lesley, I hope they will be able to prescribe something to help you get started.

[Jessica Merriman]

We are in your corner baby! HRT did wonders for me. BIG HUG!  🙂

[Jamiep]

@Paige, I did a search of Doctors in the Toronto area & listings do show some GP's that list LGBT for families, you just have to look for them, not to say that there aren't some out there, you just have to look for them. 

Self medication, I have one friend that did that for a while, stopped & is now doing it the right way under Doctor supervision at Sherbourne Health Center, also a few other of my sisterhood go there too.

[Paige]

@Paige, I did a search of Doctors in the Toronto area & listings do show some GP's that list LGBT for families, you just have to look for them, not to say that there aren't some out there, you just have to look for them.

So maybe Lesley could find a doctor in the GTA that could get her started before she gets to CAMH.  I wonder how CAMH would view that.

Self medication, I have one friend that did that for a while, stopped & is now doing it the right way under Doctor supervision at Sherbourne Health Center, also a few other of my sisterhood go there too.

Please don't get me wrong, I wasn't promoting the idea of self medication.  I was just saying the long waiting times and limited GPs could make people do foolish things.


Thanks for the information Jamie.

[Jamiep]

@Paige, if you live in Toronto, there is a possibility you could find a Doctor to do hrt, may have to go to a gender therapist first, or you can try informed consent, which is what I did. Seeing as Lesley lives well away from Toronto that is why I suggested trying to recruit her own personal gp. Worth a try, nothing to lose.

As far as CAMH, if you are going that route for SRS & you have started hrt, you are one step ahead in the process before going there for SRS. Lets say for example if I wanted to do SRS, I had my hrt with my gender Doctor at my local East Mississauga Health Center, when ready then my gender Doctor would refer me to CAMH. I wouldn't doubt that is the way some patients arrive at CAMH, so I don't think that is an issue.

Self medicating, I got your observation & know you weren't promoting it nor am I.

At East Mississauga Health Center, after being on hrt a short while, between my Doc & Endo it was determined a reaction I had precluded my from continuing in partial transition only.

@Lesley, my apologies, I didn't mean to hijack your thread in another direction.

[Lexi Belle]

Thanks for the advice. I think I will pursue asking my GP if he can get me active with something in the realm of HRT, because I am not in a hurry to wait a year or 2 for HRT. I can stand in line and wait my turn to go under the knife, but, I am not interested in waiting to dull the head ache

I will see if he can connect with skilled contacts if he feels a need to go that route.

Yeah, I think once you get on HRT after a few months things will start to change for you.  I've never actually been turned on by watching people have sex, when I first watched it I actually ended up laughing super hard.  I find it humorous.  Prior to HRT I didn't seem to feel any sort of caused sexual arousal, if it happened it was randomly induced by my testosterone.  Now, after about 3 months of HRT I find that my partners have to turn me on or it just won't happen.  It's probably different for other people, but that's my experience.

[jojoglowe]

i echo everyone else saying that hrt will help, it happened to me like that. 

[Lesley_Roberta]

So first day of it being told 'ain't gonna happen'. I don't think it's noticed yet 🙂

[Paulagirl]

I'm still ien the CAMH program, as are nearly all the girls I know. Get a referral to an endo,(they ALL know about how slow CAMH is) to get you started on HRT. When CAMH finally gets to your number, they will already have you medical records, and will carry on with the same regimen.
As an example of CAMH's lightning speed- I went to the Clark, where I was given forms to fill out. I did. One year later they contacted me with an appt. in two years. They called this appt. an assessement!!!
I know CAMH is the only route to free SRS, but get your HRT going privately.

[Marina mtf]

I have noticed that since starting to LIVE as a woman, full time... well, the THING  , is VERY quiet... and I was, well, an habitual consumer of... virtual imagery (we know what).
I have noticed that my sexual impulse to discharge has really diminished, as if I am on HRT, but I am not, it is a sort of "mental" anti androgen which is happening inside me.

Maybe it is a suggestion, but I really feel different, not too much interested in women, sexually, any more. When I see a nice woman on the street my first thought is not "I want to have sex with her" but "I want to COPY something she is dressing...".