My family is confusing me.

[Cindy]

Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh

And your reply should be 'When you use my preferred name I will respond'

[Paige0000]

And your reply should be 'When you use my preferred name I will respond'

Sigh oh how I would love to but the grief it would cause is just not worth it. They would simply go off their heads and I don't want to risk getting kicked out. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't for the fact that I love them so much.

[Cindy]

Sigh oh how I would love to but the grief it would cause is just not worth it. They would simply go off their heads and I don't want to risk getting kicked out. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't for the fact that I love them so much.

I'm sorry. I realise it is difficult, or worse than difficult

quote
Be yourself regardless of what other may think of you. Tis your life not theirs.
Unquote

Nothing is easy.

I truly understand.

[Jesss]

Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?
[/quote]

Thats what i was thinking..... but that could get ugly >.<

[Jill F]

I understand completely.  My parents think that because they gave me that name, then that is what I shall be called forevermore.  I came out to them six months ago and they still can't wrap their head around it.  Once the initial shock wore off, my mom told me, "Well, your father and I discussed it (dad and I are practically estranged) and we decided not to disown you.  I don't think I can ever bring myself to call you Jill, so don't expect it.  You will always be Greg to us."  Gee, how about "We love you no matter what and just want you to be happy."  Nice, huh?

Anyway, they haven't seen me since last Thanksgiving when I had a full beard.  I don't look remotely like a Greg anymore, so we'll see what happens.  If they are less than civil this Thanksgiving, I may just end up disowning them!     

[anjaq]

My parents told me that I was going to be ugly if I transitioned and that people sould see me as a guy in drag all the time and at the same time they were supportive of me trying out gender stuff. I am not sure what their idea was. As long as I was dressing up and such, it was ok. But as I started seriously transitioning and get HRT, I lost them and had to move out and away from them as they were not ok with that. They also kept calling me my old name. My mom said "I will always call you by the name we gave you" at first, then she tried to get it right at some point but failed most of the time. Now she just confuses my name with that of her dog LOL - so it took them a loong time to get over it. I still got support - my dad paid living expenses and university fees.
But the biggest thing i guess is that I had the impression that the more others outside my family accepted me and the better I "passed" on the outside, the more I participated in activities as my new self and be not only accepted but often even go unnoticed, my parents came around. After all I was not seen as a guy in a dress or anything else they feared, so they relaxed. And they saw that I turned from an extremely introvert freak to a person that is alive and that finally seeped in. Still took a long while. SRS made it more real for them though - I did that decision myself, pulled through it and then my parents knew that they would not see <my old name> ever again but that they gained a new daughter that was much more fun to be around than otherwise. So dont be too hard on them, tell them that you wish to be referred to as your new name and gender and insisto on it if yu can, but dont get into fights about it too much, but make sure they know that you are hurting everytime they do otherwise...

[Paige0000]

My parents told me that I was going to be ugly if I transitioned and that people sould see me as a guy in drag all the time and at the same time they were supportive of me trying out gender stuff. I am not sure what their idea was. As long as I was dressing up and such, it was ok. But as I started seriously transitioning and get HRT, I lost them and had to move out and away from them as they were not ok with that. They also kept calling me my old name. My mom said "I will always call you by the name we gave you" at first, then she tried to get it right at some point but failed most of the time. Now she just confuses my name with that of her dog LOL - so it took them a loong time to get over it. I still got support - my dad paid living expenses and university fees.
But the biggest thing i guess is that I had the impression that the more others outside my family accepted me and the better I "passed" on the outside, the more I participated in activities as my new self and be not only accepted but often even go unnoticed, my parents came around. After all I was not seen as a guy in a dress or anything else they feared, so they relaxed. And they saw that I turned from an extremely introvert freak to a person that is alive and that finally seeped in. Still took a long while. SRS made it more real for them though - I did that decision myself, pulled through it and then my parents knew that they would not see <my old name> ever again but that they gained a new daughter that was much more fun to be around than otherwise. So dont be too hard on them, tell them that you wish to be referred to as your new name and gender and insisto on it if yu can, but dont get into fights about it too much, but make sure they know that you are hurting everytime they do otherwise...

I am the same before I was a massive introvert but since coming out I'm just so much more out there now and have become a lot more independent. Parents don't think so though lol they still think I need to be hand held with everything.

[Cindy]

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but do you know of any 'successful' transgender woman that they can meet and talk with?  I do this when requested to do so, in my case it it usually for parents of transgender children who worry about their child's future. They meet me as a successful and happy woman in business and life and it can ease some fear and concerns for their child's future.

[ChelseaAnn]

If I may make a suggestion.  First, I like Cindy's suggestion. But more importantly, take a step back. I realize, feeling the same way you do (mtf), we have felt this way for some time. Paige has been hidden away from the world for some time, only able to express herself to a mirror and quite possibly some friends (I'm just doing examples) . It is the same way with me being Chelsea.
So, don't forget while we have known who we are for years, our families are just now meeting us. Imagine it this way : your child / parent / spouse is killed in a car accident. To fix things the doctors assign a brand new person you've never met to fill that spot.
I believe that while we beg to be accepted, sometimes we forget how drastic our change is for others. I know it's been a long time, but perhaps they are still grieving over the "death "of their son. It is a lot to ask of us to be patient, but we're asking them to completely forget an identity they knew all their lives.

[anjaq]

Thats a pretty cool idea Cindy. I just have gotten the thought that maybe one day I want to do that for others. Not be openly trans to everyone but to be open about it to young TS and their parents and tell them that you can do a carreer even if you are an early transitioner and have to get all of this after transition. Which I must say I think is a bit harder than getting a good education and position before transition and then keep that. Though keeping that is probably a challenge too. Still I can see myself in that position

Chelsea, I think you are right that they are grieving. Probably even in these stages of grief - denial first...
Parents take the longest time of all to get name and gender right all the time.

[Ltl89]

Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?

I like this idea. It's time my mom and sister get a dose of male pronouns.  They refuse to call me or any other trans person by the proper pronouns, so maybe giving them a dose of their own medicine will do some good.  Though, as Paige said, it can get messy and backfire.   

[Paige]

Hi Paige,

I'm wondering if you might want to wait them out and let the HRT do it's work.  By the way you look amazing.   Let them think they're winning this one battle while you progress further every day to your ultimate goal of a full transition.   I know it hurts, but putting up with it might just make them easier to live with while you plan and save.   Just be your feminine self, eventually, they're going to feel silly calling you by your old name.  You're probably going to have other problems with them, maybe it isn't wise to waste all your energy on this battle. 

Perhaps putting up with their crap will demonstrate to them that you're ready to deal with all the crap that being transgender throws at you.

Anyway it's just an idea.

[Ltl89]

I like this idea. It's time my mom and sister get a dose of male pronouns.  They refuse to call me or any other trans person by the proper pronouns, so maybe giving them a dose of their own medicine will do some good.  Though, as Paige said, it can get messy and backfire.

So yeah, bad idea.  It doesn't work too well.  I was just told I'm jealous because I'm not actually a women like them.  My sister decided to call me transsexual when I called her a he.  Let's scratch that strategy off, lol.  Families suck and offer no compassion.   Paige, I hope your family comes around and treats you with the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry to see another person go through this.  No one deserves that. 

[Kaylee]

So yeah, bad idea.  It doesn't work too well.  I was just told I'm jealous because I'm not actually a women like them.  My sister decided to call me transsexual when I called her a he.  Let's scratch that strategy off, lol.  Families suck and offer no compassion.   Paige, I hope your family comes around and treats you with the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry to see another person go through this.  No one deserves that.

Sorry LTL! x

[Paige0000]

Well we had sissy's 21st gender bend theme. I looked fab btw however after a few lol drinks I need to go and I thought stuff it I'm going in the proper bathroom and I did and it feel so great and right. However sis found out and she got upset and mum was annoyed saying why did u do that, what if a lady had walked in. You know what stuff it get mad because I don't care, I felt so great for doing this and you are not taking this away from me.

[Shantel]

Well we had sissy's 21st gender bend theme. I looked fab btw however after a few lol drinks I need to go and I thought stuff it I'm going in the proper bathroom and I did and it feel so great and right. However sis found out and she got upset and mum was annoyed saying why did u do that, what if a lady had walked in. You know what stuff it get mad because I don't care, I felt so great for doing this and you are not taking this away from me.

If you looked fab like you do in that avatar photo then you need to stay far away from the men's room...period! Your mom and sis will continue to see you as Fred or John or whatever you were formerly because they have lived with you and known you from birth and in their minds they refuse to see anyone else. Families are the absolute worst and most stubborn ones, it takes years for them sometimes to turn the corner. Eventually when everyone else in the world is calling you Paige, Miss, Ma'am, honey and sweetie, then they will begin to realize that the old you is gone forever and no longer exists and they will be forced to come around and accept reality.

[anjaq]

I think personally that it doe snot pay off to "shoot back" too much. They are going through a great deal to adjust and accept - it does not help this if one becomes agressive or snippy about it. I would say, keep telling them that you dont like it, remind them of how you want to be called and otherwise as was said before just go on with your way and if the rest of the world perceives you and calls you by your chosen name and your real gender and you just dont look, talk or act like that old person anymore, at some point they will feel silly about calling you by the old name or gender. I can imagine a key moment will be if they are with you around other people who call you correctly and they want to stick to their old habit. Either they just feel its wrong to do so in that situation, or they will do it and then get really weird looks by the other people. "Normal" people who are not trans - sometimes this tells them that even for non trans people the validity of your gender is not in question anymore. For now I guess during transition, all that remains is to express your wishes to them and show you are annyoyed if they dont respect that but go with it for now. Sometimes they will start to try and avoid using names or gender pronouns at all to avoid the hassle...